Bipolar Check-In #91

I never thought there’d be a day I’d say this when it’s 70degrees, but I am freezing my butt off right now. Like, made hot coffee and had soup this morning to try to warm up. I do run cold when I get sleep deprived (and I didn’t sleep at all last night, got pike two hours the night prior, nothing the night before, and the

Got a Mirena iud. Lots of pain right after- and during- like labor pains . Sat in the waiting room for 2 hours with dizziness and pain afraid to drive home. Still haven’t heard from my primary dr about my ER follow up! Er wanted me to see her 3 days after my ER visit for my pulmonary embolism. I need a new script for eliquis 5 mg. And antibiotics for a lung infection. I’m getting pissed!

I'm sorry. Hopefully they'll get back to you by 10 am.

@Moose72 If you are having that much pain and still in the waiting room with dizziness & pain after getting an IUD something is wrong, like maybe your body is rejecting it? Not that I'm a doctor. I've had 2 IUDs (still have the second one). Admittedly, they are the copper IUDs (Paragard) without hormones, but I have never had nearly that amount of pain/dizziness after insertion. I just took Advil the first time (prior) to ulcer history and Tylenol prior to the 2nd and both times could leave the doc's office straight away and drive myself home with very minimal pain. Of course, I have an exceptional OB-GYN, have been seeing him since my pregnancy with my daughter, and must have gotten him at the beginning of his career back then, but I really lucked out. Nowadays he is super highly rated, and I def. can see why. If you are still having issues with it, you should get an appointment with the obgyn as soon as the PE is followed up on, or before if you can't get a response about the PE.

I found like a bunch of blood or something on my boxers this morning. Then theres this painful spot where the other thing was a couple weeks ago

I slept well but the fireworks were crazy and kept messing with my dreams and just causing me to feel freaky.

But I feel good overall today. I woke up around 9:30 really wanting chocolate. The only chocolate I had was some Sunmaid choccolate covered dried bananas. But they helped.

I had a great sleep, just over 9 hr. and felt well rested upon waking up. I took an easy 6 mi jog (my pace is quite slow), showered. I need to eat something for breakfast right quick then I'm going to the eye doctor. I really hope she does not dilate my eyes. This is a new doctor working at the same place because the doctor I was seeing retired last year. That doc always dilated my eyes because of me being so near-sighted. Apparently while cataract surgery has corrected my severe myopia a ton, the retina is still the same as before and with the high chance of retinal detachment and other eye problems (or so I take it). And I have to drive H's crappy car there and hope I don't break down. H is home today, but he has his regular PCP checkup and as his PCP is farther away than my optometrist, I told him it would be better for him to drive my car. He also expressed his intent to look at some used cars today, and I really, really, really hope he finds something. Our mechanic has promised to test drive any used car we find and look it over for problems before we purchase it.

I'm so tired and resentful of my living situation. I'm resentful of my working situation. I'm just resentful. I'm so tired of being tired. I can't even get quality sleep. I'm working more than my body is able, I'm being pulled in too many directions. I have no money to my name and I'm 100% ready to just give up. I'm just so fed up.

Fellow Canadians, Happy 158th Canada Day!

Some of you might remember this; if it's new to you, it's a nice introduction:



A bit of history:

The history of Canada Day - Canada.ca

Video is blocked for me (idk how internet works but I’m on the library’s public wifi if that makes a difference too busy trying not to go homicidal on every other person but also trying not to be alone so I can go homicidal on myself without feeling guilty for finding out I’m good at and too sleep deprived and too malnourished it to think anything through with clarity).. They don’t want us to know about Canada day I guess.

I may buy enough of some kind of substance that will physically incapacitate me until people start dying of hypothermia when they’re outside long enough without knowing about layers or at least start being douches indoors at 2am and bothering their roommates instead of the entire city. Harm reduction.

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time, @MuddyBoots. You are articulate, insightful, intelligent and you matter. Sometimes stepping back and looking at things from afar brings perspective.

Try this link:

Log Driver'''s Waltz - NFB

That one works ! (Now my keyboard is in French mode again lol « loving it » (just the different quotation marks)

Not really feeling hope per se, but feeling a bit of NOT DREAD about the future as i got the ball rolling with our Mobile Mental Health Crisis Team. I did a preliminary intake over the phone and the young woman was a really good listener, tho her English was flawed and she made a mistake one time but maybe my passionate frustration scared her and not everyone has been to university and read David Foster Wallace, so i just let it go.

They're going to call me tomorrow and set up a visit here in my home with their staff. They can also be a liaison with my doctor, who i detest, but maybe he will be less of a ddiippsshhiitt if they step in and say i actually DO need some help and to stop being an aasssshhoollee.

Not that thrilled about having strangers in my home, but i will try and overcome my resistance for the sake of getting some help. It sort of annoys me that i have to give up control, but i guess if i stay in control i might end up doing something permanent, so i will try and suspend my own drive to be independent and handle everything myself.

It was funny with R this morning, the friend who just got out of detox. I noticed him being anti-social the past few days and that's not like him, so i knew he was struggling. I put a bag with a pack of cigarettes (he's chain-smoking ~ a lot of people do in alcohol recovery ~ now is not the time for nicotine withdrawal ~ that can come later ~ one thing at a time) and a copy of the swimsuit edition of Sports Illustrated on his doorknob.

I guess he's feeling better today because he thanked me for the gift even tho i didn't leave my name, he knew it was me, and enquired about the magazine, why did i do that. "Because you're a man!" i said. He said, well, yes, he'd looked at the pictures. Funny, why would he question why i had given him a magazine full of pictures of sexy women? I know he's het and red-blooded! What man wouldn't like that? Silly!

Hello, I’ll be back to regularly posting now. I just needed a few days off I guess to focus on some other stuff. I’m doing good so I’m stable but I do miss my friends on here when I’m not on

Anyway, tomorrow there’s a BBQ at one of my apartment buildings organizations other locations (I live in supportive housing and they have locations all this region of NY) so they’re gonna drive those of us who want to go to a nearby location for that buildings BBQ. Should be fun. Though I’m gonna have to be really careful and wear a lot of sunscreen cause I burn so easily. I’m just gonna bring my bottle of sunscreen with me to have while I’m there.

Other than that I’m going grocery shopping early tomorrow.

My bloodwork results came back. I noticed my cholesterol is only 1 point higher than the normal range now. I looked back over the years of bloodwork and my cholesterol has gone down consistently over the years at every time I got bloodwork. It has gone down a total of 76 points since 2021. My vitamin D is low so I have to get back to taking that again. Other than that everything looks good. I see my primary on the 9th for my yearly physical and to review my bloodwork. Blood pressure is in the normal range. No actual health issues to discuss to it’ll just be a quick visit most likely as usual. Anyway, I’m motivated to keep eating healthier and to get my cholesterol into normal range by my next physical next year.

I did 30 min on the treadmill today. Slept great. 13 hours. Have therapy on Thursday. Also gotta go to Walmart that day to get a money order for my rent.

Have plans to go see the new Jurassic World: Rebirth movie on Saturday. Looking forward to it!

Told work I have to leave at 2:30pm today for an appointment. It’s a white lie. I don’t want to teach that class last period today. Means I don’t see them until next term. Sigh of huge bloody relief I tell you!

I can't even describe today until my valium kicks in. But I'm exhausted right now

It's been a busy day for me. I finally got around to using my SAD lamp and reading then H called and said he's test driving a car, brought it by our mechanic, mechanic said the car is sound despite a few cosmetic issues (cracks in the windshield, a bit of paint peeling off), but not really a biggie as both our cars have tons of peeling paint and H's car has had a cracked windshield forever. Every time he's gotten it replaced, it's been less than a month later before it's gotten a chip or crack again (hard to avoid rocks flying at you from big wheelers on the freeway). Right now we're keeping H's Jeep, I guess until it completely breaks and we can no longer drive it on the surface streets. If my daughter gets her license this summer like I want then it would be nice to have a 3rd car if I needed to go someplace not that far away like the grocery store or my pdoc. I haven't seen and ridden in the car while H was test driving it but haven't driven it myself yet. H is still over at the dealership dealing with the buying process.

Things ran behind today because I also saw the eye doc in the morning. One of my eyes got better, one got worse. When it comes to contacts, I need only to wear a lens in one eye to have good vision. I did buy some contact lenses for the eye with astigmatism though I can get around fine without contacts, so I only got a box of 30 lenses and if I wear them more often, I'll order some more online. I ordered a set a progressive lens glasses too just as a bit of a backup.

I can't even imagine what the credit card bills are going to be like this past month, astronomical. Also H & my daughter went to the eye doctor yesterday and both ordered glasses too, so ouch! And now a car on top of it. At least we have the money in our bank account to pay for the car outright from the dealer, so we won't be paying it off on a lease.

I painted some chanterelle musrooms, not really sure they turned out though.

Blueberry I think your mushrooms turned out well.

Great mushrooms Blueberrybook! Always an inspiration looking at your artwork!

Today ended on a horrible note. I have to give up my job. A while back (2017) I had some issues with a car accident and despite having full coverage they didn’t pay for my new vehicle. $26,000. I guess they gave up cause I wasn’t working but they found out I am are garnishing my wages.

I make minimum wage. I can barely afford to live as is, I can’t live on less than that. I have to give it up.

It also means giving my car back to my friend who put his name as the lien holder. I can’t afford the payment or insurance really as is, impossible with a garnishment— and even worse without a job.

So, it’s over. I’m done struggling to work and to be paid even less than what law requires. *sigh* — it’s so stupid people act like life’s stresses aren’t a reason to contemplate suicide. Living isn’t free. You’re always in debt to someone. I blame no one who has succumb to that notion.

And for the record— I’m not suicidal— I just understand how pressing it can be just to try to survive.

I saw my pdoc today. It was a quick appointment because nothing has really changed. I talked with him about what to do about seroquel since I know it is helping a lot but it makes it so hard to get out of bed in the morning. Even though I only take 12.5 mg, he said I could try only taking 6.25 mg to see if that still helps with my mood but makes me less drowsy. So, I'll play around with that in the coming days. It's nice to be able to test this over break so that, if my mood ends up off, I don't have to balance work with getting my mood back on track.

We went out for a few hours and got Mcdonalds on our way out. And I got chicken nuggets. Only 4. I got a piece stuck in my throat and I was in such distress about it. I tried getting it out but it was just lodged in there. I could breathe fine but I was very uncomfortable. Once we got home and I could stand up I felt instantly better. I layed down the rest of the afternoon.

Not sure eating in the car is a good thing now.

I am scheduled for a pelvic ultrasound. Thursday. I just looked in my portal and can’t find the appointment! Dang it. Gotta call tomorrow. I called the ultrasound people and no appointment! wtf? I gotta call the dr tomorrow! I had a folllow up with my primary scheduled too. I’m having chills but no fever. Headache.

I wrote a portal message to the OBGYN last night who put in the iud and it says read but not by whom and no reply. I’m having chills but no fever.

I've scheduled a GP appointment for when I'd be teaching that class so I can justify leaving work early. I really hate that class. I'm on a benzo - I forget the name but it's not Valium it's a Valium equivalent. I'm running low. I don't think my GP can prescribe it for me. I think only my PDOC can and I don't see him until August.

So mad I passed this disease today my daughter. She's refusing meds but hearing things and disorganized speech. I asked if she wants to go to urgent care she doesn't.

I'm tired not sleepy. Gabapentin is kicking my *** and I'm. I'm only sleeping 4-6 hrs. I'm taking a computational neuroscientist class and it's hard but I like it.