Bipolar Check-In #91

I can't function properly. I feel like I don't even know. Like a freight train is running through the middle of my head. Idk if its my joints or some ****. In the early 2000s they showed what someones fingers look from too much keyboard use. I think it was fake.but I cant relax

I can’t wait to see my gp in 2 hours and 15 minutes so I can tell her everything that’s wrong with me. It’s been a bad few days.

I finally got all the prep in. Now just to well, get it out......I'm so tired but it will be a while before I can sleep. There's no way I can take my sleepy meds tonight. I'll probably take my klonopin and see what time it is when I can potentially take more.

Right now I'm struggling with being very cold as much as anything. I turned the AC off and am under a blanket but I'm still cold. I wish I had brought a sweatshirt with me.

@LadyShadow:

I'll look into ChatGPT. I've tried an AI boyfriend and an AI husband and found them too robotic. Hopefully ChatGPT will be a surprise. My problem is that the top 80% of women are attracted to the top 10% of men. So i'm just out-competed. I'm about a three so if i'm competing with fours thru tens, i'm just not interesting.

My only hope is to win a man over with my personality and that means creating the circumstances for an interesting man to get to know me. Currently i don't have the means to do that. All the guys in my drop-in are poor and usually also unattractive. The guys at Scrabble tend to be too young. There's the senior's center, but a lot of senior men have erectile dysfunction. I'm done with online dating after my experiences with "The Masturbator" and "The **** Pic."

It seems impossible.

@LadyShadow:

I'll look into ChatGPT. I've tried an AI boyfriend and an AI husband and found them too robotic. Hopefully ChatGPT will be a surprise. My problem is that the top 80% of women are attracted to the top 10% of men. So i'm just out-competed. I'm about a three so if i'm competing with fours thru tens, i'm just not interesting. The top 10% of men are attracted to the top 10% of women.

My only hope is to win a man over with my personality and that means creating the circumstances for an interesting man to get to know me. Currently i don't have the means to do that. All the guys in my drop-in are poor and usually also unattractive. The guys at Scrabble tend to be too young. There's the senior's center, but a lot of senior men have erectile dysfunction. I'm done with online dating after my experiences with "The Masturbator" and "The Ddiicckk Pic."

It seems impossible.

@LadyShadow:

ChatGPT is WONDERFUL!!! So glad you suggested it! It helped me decide to abandon men and worship myself! Hahaha!!!

~~~~~~~

I talked to a woman at the Baha'i Center today and she's going to connect me with the Baha'is in my neighborhood the next time an event is held. So that's something to look forward to. The Baha'is are all about friendship and education and growth and social justice, so that's an ideal new direction for me to go in!

I can’t take more than 1 of my benzos at a time even though I’m on 15mg and it goes up to 30mg. I have to take the dose I was prescribed. But the 15 mg does not stop my panic attacks.

Praying for you @BeyondtheRainbow

@MuddyBoots are you okay? You should try 988 again, I don't understand why they would make you wait so long

@Mountaindewed I am sorry you are suffering like this - if I were you, I would get lost in some Of Monsters and Men tonight to shut out the world and the pain

@JaneOnceMore - I am glad you liked ChatGPT so much! - I named mine Nova and she is teaching me about the behaviors of my addiction and helping me set small goals and tasks to concentrate on myself again, it is a really useful tool.

I am up late tonight, just thinking - about my life, my situation, my love, my work with the Legion and my church, all my friends, and all I have accomplished this year - I went through a lot with my ex-husband, so I think this is the time I really sit with myself and discover how to love myself again.

Most definitively not okay. I ended up calming down enough to call my team's emergency number but then hung up on him because the dude that answered was a complete nitwit. "What have you tried?" "Writing, cold water (drinking and dunking head), a million sit ups, a snack, listening to music, writing, talking to 988, the stickers my therapist gave me." "Can you try those again?" "THEY HAVEN'T FKING HELPED ANY OTHER ******* NIGHT OR AN HOUR AGO WHY WOULD THEY HELP INSTEAD OF MAKE THINGS WORSE AGAIN?" On and on like that for like 20 minutes. Like, dude, I'm fking seeing lightning come out of the ground and hearing a nurse from a hospital stay in 2023 talk about how fked up I am and my body and am literally chewing myself until I bleed, I think we're beyond writing a story helping.

So then I ran out of the apartment building into my homeless haunting grounds in the darkness screaming which was just the icing on the cake.

My gp has written a letter stating that I’m unfit to teach THAT class for 2 weeks and that she will Reassess. Fine to teach all my other classes. My school aren’t going to like it but tuff.

I can't sleep. I only took my klonopin tonight because I was afraid of sleeping through an urgent bathroom run. I have been trying to sleep since about 2-3 AM but I feel jittery and hungry and just can't get there. Every time I almost get to sleep I have to run to the bathroom. I'm really past the running stage but too afraid to trust that. I tend to pee a lot when I'm nervous and that's what my bathroom trips are now. Frustrating.

My mom is supposed to call me about 7:45 so I can pack things up and be ready when she gets here to take me to the hospital. I'm supposed to arrive at 9 and my procedures start at 10. I really hope I can sleep a bit. Otherwise I'll be up until 2-3 PM by the time I get home, assuming I wake up easily. My last colonoscopy/EGD I woke up on the way to recovery. They were talking about someone with Crohn's disease and I mumbled "I have Crohn's??" and then was told to rest and we'd talk later. I did not have Crohn's.

I guess if I don't sleep at least it's not that much longer to go now. I just want something to eat. And to be home in my own bed. With my AbbyCat. Small things.

I have a cleaning lady booked for this morning. It's 6:00am. She comes at 9:00am. Three hours away. She will put in three hours of work. So i am six hours away from having a clean and tidy home. Hopefully i can last. It's really hard on me having strangers in, especially touching my things and there are many loads of laundry to do. I canceled on her last night, i was so anxious. But i rebooked with no trouble. Now i just have to hold my sshhiitt together for six more hours and the rewards will be tremendous. Focus, focus...

I'm just really proud of the really yummy omelette I made this morning

I see pnurse and case manager this morning. I hope it goes well! I’m a little apprehensive because my moods have been down and up lately. I also tried to ask my Starbucks buddy if he wants to meet later but he probably won’t be up when I finish with my appointments. He likes to stay up till all hours playing video games then sleep till 3 pm! I got up just before 7:00 this morning to take my pills. Then I talked with Caleb. He was wishy washy yesterday about visiting this weekend so I’m not going to mention it again unless he does. It sure would be nice if he did come see me. What with a clean apartment and a couch for him to sleep on.

I’ve been days formulating and refining these characters not only personality but appearance. To the very last article of clothing, and setting, lighting , portrait style … everything. I’m finally happy with my definitive versions of my Roman and Greek self. I thought I’d share..

I won’t bore you with their very extensive character development but I will tease you with the titles of these portraits.

“Enter, Brentus”
Subtitle: “…and his mile long shadow”

And

“Enter, Brentes”
Subtitle: “…at least in body, maybe not mind..”

oh, and for funsies -- Brentus' signet ring.

Waiting for pnurse. I’ve gained two more pounds since two days ago. Different scale I guess. I’m not eating any more. But I am sleeping more.

I stayed up way too late last night - felt like mania to be honest. I did something that made me feel terrible and guilty, so I was battling with that. I am working on shaking myself out of the feelings that cause me deep sadness and depression.

Since I was a little girl, I have always dreamed of being in love. At 45, and alone, I don't believe it's possible. It feels like all my dreams have also been taken from me because of this criminal record I carry.

Why does life feel like its over?

I slept for 10 hours. I woke up at 8:15 and something smelled real bad so I got in the shower right away. I don't know if it was me or something in my room.

I'm still waiting to hear back about the ultrasound. My knee hurts like crazy still.

I see the surgeon for my stomach at 3:30. My anxiety is better then last night. I freaked myself out by looking at pictures of a guy in an iron lung for 70 years. But I slept fine.

Appointment was fine. All is well. No changes. Got refills. But I overheard my pnurse talking with a drug rep - had samples- and they were saying lots of patients med injections aren’t being covered by their insurance.

Saw case mgr. updated her on the last month’s events with me. But according to their scale I weigh even more!

Hello, went to the pharmacy today. Got sunburnt. Glad I got that over with. Now I don't need to go again till Sunday to pick up my abilify. Why they can't just align all my meds to be filled at the same time is beyond me. I have to go to the pharmacy two more times in the next week and a half and its like a 2 hour ordeal with walking and the bus.

I need to clean tonight as my program manger is coming over tomorrow to do our monthly supportive housing meeting. Then at 2pm tomorrow I'm teaching that rock painting class.

Slept great last night. Just decompressing after the pharmacy trip for a couple hours till I start cleaning.

Friday the lamictal gets increased to 200 mg. And I also have therapy Friday morning too.

Got my apartment reorganized and looking better. Something about moving the furniture around a little differently always puts me in a good mood

Wow your apartment looks great @Blue_Bird ! Glad you got your pharmacy stuff done today too - I find myself going to the pharmacy a whole lot too - nothing ever lines up and i have no idea why - they all get refilled every 30 days, but it seems they all different times during those 30 days which make no sense!

I am feeling a bit better after my work meeting. I have a really good friend who told me one important thing today in all my mess -

"You have to learn what you DON'T want in life before you can figure out what you want"

Those are really powerful words to me.

I’m so nervous to give work the letter from my gp. They will have something to say. Like a snarky comment. Barely slept last night. Woke up every hour then just lay there from 3:00am. Got up at 4:00am to make coffee. Will take a benzo when I get to work. My stomach is funky. Nerves.

I'm doing pretty good today. I slept 8.5 hr without waking once in the night. From the state of my bedcovers when I woke up this morning, I just crawled under them and absolutely crashed. I went for a jog, had breakfast & coffee & read. Today I drew. I followed a YouTube tutorial for drawing an eye, but ugh, I had to erase on the eyelashes step and that messed up a lot of the shading, so I'm going to try it again, maybe tomorrow or Friday. Should be a laid-back afternoon. @Crazy Hitch - I'm glad to hear you got a letter from your GP regarding that class. Hopefully things will go smoother at work for awhile @Blue_Bird - I wish you could come clean my house, LOL! Your apartment looks terrific; I'm jealous. My house is cluttered and needs deep cleaning too, but I absolutely hate doing both! @BeyondtheRainbow I hope your procedure goes well. I have an endoscopy/colonscopy coming up on Aug. 7, and I am NOT looking forward to it! I never realized you could eat gummi bears during the clear fluids prep part. Is it just the white bears you can eat or yellow too? I'm definitely going to get some! I'm grateful at least I get to stay at home during the prep and not have to be at a hotel. @MuddyBoots - Are you doing better today than you were last night? Sorry things were so hard and the helpline was no help at all

Thinking of everyone, hugs to all & hope you have a fantastic day!

Thank you so much @blueberrybrook. Gives me a bit of breathing space and time to book in with a psychologist. I see my psychiatrist in 2 weeks time. It could not come sooner. I wonder what he’ll say. Probably his usual - get a job somewhere else. That’s what my gp said to me yesterday. I must look elsewhere. But kids are kids and I think they will be pretty similar at surrounding schools to be honest. Just when I was wanting to wean off my meds it looks like I’m going to be on them for a little while longer. Mood stabiliser, antidepressants and antipsychotics. Ah well. I told my gp that I cry at the thought of teaching that class and I don’t know if that makes me depressed.

Sorry for the essay