Bipolar Check-In #91

I'm sure you will be missed Hallie

thanks. been there 3 years and you get close with your cleints. its hard. ill miss them too. theyre in my life every week.

My stomach has been pretty calm most of the day. I didn't drink coffee.

My leg is still an issue and it feels really warm. It feels like something is moving around in the back.

I'm trying to clean up my room but I can't really get around too well lol. I need to keep lying back down

I just tried going into the garage and I saw a mouse run under the car and I noped out and shut the door. As that meme goes "aint nobody got time for that."

I’ve been up since 2:00 am and slept only 2 hours. Feeling depressed and anxious. It was a long and difficult day.

I'm sorry it's been so difficult @gary290. I'm right there with you. I'm anxious with a low mood ... close to tears all day.

Thanks for the amazing advice @Blueberrybook - tonight was filled with prayer, laughter and love, and it made me feel whole again - sometimes I tend to forget how many people I have in my life that care, and how dramatic it can get in this lonely apartment when the walls close in on me. Thank you for the reminder! @Blue_Bird - so happy that you're reconnecting with family, I don't know where I would be without my mom and dad - I have to remember them when I get like this. @Nammu - I am very social when I am out, but sometimes it can cause burnout - I hope you make some "me" time for you this week. How is Good Omens going? @BeyondtheRainbow - still praying for you girl that you have a good procedure, hope you get some good sleep tonight.

Got over myself in my up and down state today - I realized I have a DVD copy of "Demon Knight" and I can probably get Billy Zane to sign the cover for me for $50 when I go to GalaxyCon on Friday - there are also other cool things I can see, like a whole Jurassic Park Q&A and a Muppets talk, plus my friend will be with me. I realize that voice in my head that is telling me to be "grateful" is God fighting his way through all my negativity. I wish I could just shake myself out of it sometimes, it's SO hard when you're sinking in it.

I thought a lot about it when I read that Michael Jamal Warner died at 54 today, he was my favorite character on the Cosby Show growing up. He played Theo. I was so sad about that, and it really made me think about things.

Lady, good Omens season one is finished. Makes me want to find the original book and read it. It was a great show. The angel and the demon working together.

Today was a good day. I organized my studio a bit so it's looking less cluttered. I also submitted a volunteer application to help run grief support groups. The highlight of the day was finishing a 25 minute workout video-this is the first workout video I've been able to complete since I got sick in 2023! It gave me minor POTs symptoms (to be expected) and a bit of a bipolar buzz, but that seems to have passed too. As soon as America Ninja Warrior is done, I'm off to bed. I hope everyone gets a good night's sleep!

@LadyShadow: It's so cool that you are going to meet Billy Zane! I've liked him ever since "Dead Calm," years ago. A great actor and a beautiful beautiful man. Gratitude can be a challenge for me too occasionally. It's natural to struggle with it from time-to-time. It's not healthy to NEVER have lapses. That's just toxic positivity.

@June08: I like "American Ninja Warrior" too! I watched one season and was surprised that the most muscular guy did not win. It was the wiry guy who won. Seems that being wiry has an advantage in athletics. Good on ya girl for applying to volunteer to assist in the grief support group. You have a good heart!

@Nammu: I'm very sensitive to noise and commotion too. Your event sounds overwhelming. No wonder you wanted to sleep. For me, public transit is a nightmare that way. I'm overjoyed to have discovered Uber. Riding in a private silent car is so much better. I arrive fresh and ready.

Over 7 hours without a post in the bipolar check-in?? What is this a record?! Daaaang.

For a second almost thought I got hacked this morning when my ABLE account sent me an email that my transfer couldn't be completed due to insufficient funds in my bank account. No way did I spend $2000 at Shaw's yesterday! No, I have two "bank accounts" and I usually have to transfer from the one I get deposits in to the other one to transfer to the ABLE account and forgot to do that first. All is good

I slept pretty well last night too. Good thing! No waking up and (think I'm) hearing people (there's this one voice that's like the same as a nurse during my IEA for restricting/starvation at a place that doesn't touch eating disorders but was happy to cause psychosis by stressing me out so much that likes to talk about my loose skin for boobs) bytch about what websites I visit or how often I walk into a grocery store and roam around or what I do behind closed curtains.

Glad you were able to get a workout in , that’s awesome! also that sounds like a good volunteer position, I hope you get it!

I tried out the acrylic paint markers my aunt got me. Painted a picture of Naruto (an anime character) I actually really like the acrylic paint markers, almost more than traditional painting. I might have to invest in a large set of them with more colors. They’re really good especially for anime art.

Todays plans are to:
-Collect more rocks for my rock painting class
-get on the treadmill
-Practice violin
-take out the trash
-Read
-Work on a Sakura Haruno painting (another anime character)

Hope you’re all well!

Well this is exciting. I need to clean out my fridge then go grocery shopping. No appointments today!

Missions accomplished! So tired!

Edit: I got Biotene toothpaste as sodium lauryl sulfate burns my mouth which Biotene does not have and Biotene is made for dry mouth which I get from my meds. It’s more expensive than regular toothpaste but it lasts a while.

I'm kinda crabby today. Its just the knee stuff and the GI
apppointment mainly. I slept fine. I woke up to eat a cookie at 11 but I slept from about 10PM until
6AM something.

My knee is an issue. My stomach is decent but I've eaten healthy so far.

I just feel meh but I still have more energy and less feelings of doom and anxiety since I went off the Topamax.

Kinda TMi but I've been ****ting and sleeping pretty good these last couple of weeks.

Has been a pretty good morning. Got up and listening to all my messages and responded to some friends. Working out some stuff internally. Work has been slow, but I had a really good week last week.

You should pick up the book Good Omens again @Nammu - it was so good - I have so many fond memories reading it again and again.

@JaneOnceMore - really excited to see Billy Zane too - I mean I am getting William Shatner's too - but I think it would be cool to get Zane's as well. I am not beating myself up too much about the gratitude thing, I think I just have to be more mindful when I am drowning in all the negativity.

Also come to the conclusion that I am addicted to connection from men. I have let go of the alcohol, but I still crave the attention, I still crave the connection, almost to the point of detriment to myself. This is worse than codependency, this is addiction. It took a lot of courage to understand why my moods shift so low the way that it does - it's because I am not getting the "high" from the attention from men, or the man that I want. I am working with ChatGPT to guide me in ways to overcome this, and definitely something I want to talk about in therapy next month,

Today has been a good day. I slept around 7.5 hr and got up in time to get a jog in before it got too unbearable. I started reading a new mystery, and I was able to concentrate quite well. Painting was ugh today. I tried to paint a hummingbird but had too many issues with the beak & eye. I may try it again in the future.

@Blue_Bird - I love your acrylic painting @LadyShadow - It's good that you recognize your codendency issues and are working to solve them. @June08 - That's awesome that you could complete a workout video! I'm sure that felt wonderful. @MuddyBoots - I'm glad you got some sleep. Good sleep helps me a lot. (((HUGS))) to everyone else.

I told my mom Ozzy Osbourne didnt look good the other day.

My knee acted up and it did this buckling thing. I'm just trying to do laundry.

At least with the GI stuff its not painful to walk or do everyday chores.

Less than 24 hours I'll be heading to my family's house.

Oof. I may have overdone it. I got a new bike yesterday (well, new to me) and did about 20 miles on it today some trail (hiking trails and wiped out on one bit!) some road, some bike path. I visited my mom at her work. She doesn't even work in this city!

The not hearing htings didn't last because after my last post it started back up again...

Took a 2-hour nap after lunch! Cat slept too.

I made a gp appointment right when I’m supposed to be teaching that horrible class so I don’t have to see them! Go me. Am going to ask her for a referral to a psychologist and some sleeping tablets to get me through. Not sleeping well at all and waking up every hour to 2 hours. I’ll let you know what she says!

Just heard the news about Ozzy - I swear with as many substances he was on, he lived about five lifetimes.

I am feeling better today. Going to my Legion meeting in a little bit. Hope you get some good sleep soon @Crazy Hitch - @Blue_Bird - I like your painting! @Blueberrybook - thanks so much for helping me through some of my issues, you really do give great advice.

Just remembering that things could be a whole lot worse, and I need to stop beating myself up so much. I swear some of the things I tell myself I would never tell a good friend.

I’m going to take my benzo at 7:00am just before I leave for work. Shaky hands butterflies in my stomach and a constant feeling of dread - even though I don’t see that class today. Let’s hope the psychologist can give me good grounding techniques. It’s going to be via Telehealth because they are based in Sydney. That’s fine by me I live very rural so not much close by anyway. And the psychologist who was close by I didn’t really gel with anyway. He was far too young like in his late 20s or something.

Prep has been going fine but now I'm really nauseous. I think I'll wait a little longer before the next dose and see if getting some Jello in my stomach helps at all. I think I'm mostly hungry but hunger makes me feel sick lately. I did make it out of my room to get more ice for keeping the prep nice and cold. I dumped in an entire box of crystal light lemonade and it doesn't taste that bad at all. I am going to try a little more of that too since I already have it. At this point in the prep I am not going to throw up and risk being cancelled. I just refuse.

Mostly I'm tired. I don't know why; I slept well. Maybe it's just anticipation of tonight when sleep may be harder. I am focusing on being home taking a good nap tomorrow afternoon.

I think I'm mostly alone on this corridor right now. Check-in just started so I'm sure it will change but right now it is very quiet.

Don’t throw up your prep! I drank mine too fast once and threw up a LOT! Got cancelled! Ugh!