Bipolar Check-In #91

I can't tell if my next door neighbor is drunk and just rambled about me for 40 minutes or I hallucinated all of that, but either way I wish I didn't hear it. I knew I've been really dissociated the past few weeks (months????) but holy fking **** either my hallucinated version of her lied a lot (or she knows shyt somehow I "know" but can't bring the memories of up) or if she was actually speaking and telling the truth, I have been wayyyy far gone than I even know. I wish I didn't have to skip last Friday's therapy appointment and this one's because it's a holiday (celebrated, kinda like Christmas, in ways I find a little fked up, but whatever, there's a pretty good fking chance, like Christmas, I'll be in the hospital again anyways).

I do know I didn't hallucinate her crashing a bunch of stuff, so it is pretty feasible she's just talking about how all her next door neighbors are, uhhh, worrisome, I guess is a word? But some stuff I don't get how she would know unless she was literally spying on me like with cameras or something. (Or I don't remember talking about it with someone while she heard me like I was hearing her. I guess that's possible.)


I have been having what I for sure know to be by now actual hallucinations, but not ones that are the same two actual people speaking for nearly an hour, more like I saw a cop car driving then looked back to see which way he was going to turn at the intersection and there were no cars to be found and hear radios at like, the mental health clinic's bathroom or the library.

Thank GOD there's laws in place that may save me. Garnishments cannot be placed on a weekly wage below $217.50. I make less that that weekly. If what I'm reading is true, I'm not going to have to worry about garnishment. However, I'm going to have to look into long-term planning of bankruptcy or something to take care of this issue.

I did good hard work today on getting my place back in order. I got drenched in sweat and panted hard. It's been chaos in here for too long. I took a lot of unnecessary furniture down to storage. The living room is now nice and empty.

Only essentials are allowed in this 450 square foot home. I'm having a junk removal service come tomorrow for a hallway plugged with boxed items and a balcony full of bagged garbage. It's such a joy to have them come and remove superfluous items, no muss, no fuss. I pay for priority service and they arrive within the hour. Good value!

My dog and i are getting along great. I've noticed my neighbor constantly speaking encouragingly to his nervous dog and have done the same with my dog. She's responding well. She's enjoying the more intense snuggling too. She's always been attached to me, but now i feel we are more in-love than ever.

She's getting older and her eyes will squeeeeeeeeeeeeeze shut as she sits on my lap, and she slowly collapses until her head is laying against my belly. We are closer than ever since i got rid of the full-size sofa that was overpowering my living room and downsized to an over-stuffed chair. There is no room for her to have her own space, so she's constantly hopping up on my lap and clambering around the chair's tall-sides and back like a Billy Goat!

It was a nice quiet day with only one brief pleasant conversation with R this morning. I successfully resisted going down to the lobby and doing futile socializing. I actually didn't have to resist, i just plain didn't feel like it.

Hopefully i am changing gears out of the rapid cycling moods, and getting past the euphoria. I got back to eating my high-protein salads today and good for me as i found it quite strenuous being active today. I am not interested in losing weight for vanity, but i am interested for physical fitness. I'd like to do cartwheels again!

I got admitted at the ER! My temp is 99 which is a fever for me. Always run cold at 96 something.

Get well soon @Moose72!

I'm going to go ape shyt. It was hot af and thundering a little at times today so I just sat at the library and read most the day, and I've heard 4 separate police sirens from 9:20pm to now at 9:46pm and I feel destruction brewing. Hopefully only self, because that is the only thing/one that can give consent to it. Kinda. Idk it feels like how having sex with someone blackout drunk but doesn't give any sign of resistance is rape. I'm blackout...something...and not able to resist myself?

edit: FIFTH SIREN!!!!!!!!!!! No fireworks or gunshots...yet...gotta wait past midnight for those midweek.


Watch at least a quart of the stuff keeping me up at night be hallucinating from not sleeping, or the sirens being really fking vivid flashbacks.

The rest of my day has gone well. A mini victory for me is I both got some physical activity in and cooked. Just a couple of weeks ago, doing both of those things plus the dishes was so overwhelming I would just do one.

An old foot injury is acting up. I think it's plantar fasciitis. This happens from time to time so, hopefully, it will get better in the next few days. I need to be more intentional about what shoes I buy.

Not much planned for the evening. It's a rerun of America's Got Talent so I might just read or be on my phone with the show on in the background.

I’m debating takeing a shower tonight or waiting until tomorrow morning. I’ve a doctors appointment for my neck and back. Having signs of a pinched nerve again. The pins and needles down my arm into my hand, numbness and headaches. Flashes of intense bright pain from my back. My neck doesn’t hurt too bad but the neurological symptoms are concerning. I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow as without x-rays and MRIs there’s not much they can do. So I expect it to just be a referral. The bad thing it’s not here in town but 30 minutes away. That was the first appointment they could give me. So I don’t expect any answers tomorrow but still think I should shower.

Good luck having that shower @Nammu! I know how daunting it can feel to have to take one.

They sent me home saying 99 isn’t a fever no matter if you usually run 96.. Said one day with the Mirena can’t cause fever and bad cramping! Didn’t ask about my PE. So I’m back to cramping and pain and Tylenol.

Lots of the bloodwork was abnormal! My liver enzymes were very high. They didn’t say anything about this!

What is considered a fever then?

So my gp gave me 25 oxazepam. It’s like Valium but clicks in much faster. Go me!

It's 3:30am and i have my junk removal scheduled for 10:00am. Just 6.5 hours until i have my nice empty hallway and balcony back! My kitchen and bathroom are both tidy and just need to be cleaned. The floor throughout needs to be done.

My bedroom is a disaster. I feel powerless to change it. I know i just need to start anywhere, just pick up the first item of clothing closest the door and keep chipping away at the heap. Getting started is the hard part.

I might just let it go and let the Crisis Team experience the kind of chaos i live in. If i clean it up, it will appear that i am well and can run my home, when the opposite is true.

I *DO* want the bedroom cleaned up tho, and it might be a week before the Team can get to me. I'll see. There are advantages and disadvantages to cleaning the bedroom up. If i have the energy, i will try. If i can't get very far, that's fine. Just picking up one item will be the goal, and if i want to stop after the one item, i will allow myself.

So I'm either allergic to congentin or gabapentin.. I've developed a full body rash.

Oh no!

Google says two degrees above your basal/usual is a fever.

So I got literally zero fking sleep last night. I was dumb and…yeah… they’re randomly choosing two units to do a fire alarm inspection today, and Wednesdays feel like a “maybe I’ll go to court and they’ll decide to sentence me today or not,” depending on if the nurse remembers to weigh me.

I wish I had a scale to use on Wednesday mornings so I know if they take me to the backroom instead of a staff room for meds whether I’m going back home or not…

I'm still going to take them until it is a lot more noticeable and then go to urgent care. The gabapentin is kicking my ***. like I don't feel I'm inside my body like I'm in a video game

I fell asleep before 6. I woke up around 6AM. I woke up a couple times to get snacks but besides that it was ok. I dont have any plans today. I have therapy tommorow but not much else planned. I hope my mom doesnt invite my sister and her family over for the 4th. My mom.*****es at me nonstop while she freaks out about cleaning our already clean house and then they get here and the kids are loud and dinner is 3 hours late and its burnt. I just don't have the energy this year.

But today I feel ok.

Good morning , did a painting this morning. Acrylic. The idea had been in my mind over a week and I finally decided to try painting it out.

Have a BBQ I’m going to in a few hours. Then a grocery delivery scheduled for tonight. Figured it’d be better to just order them because I do not feel like carrying 60 lbs of stuff back on the bus. There’s a lot of heavy stuff.

Anyway, I got some of that butterfly blue pea tea my therapist recommended so I might try that tonight.

Hope you’re all well! I’ll post more later and reply more, I’m currently listening to the audiobook Mockingjay from the Hunger Games series.

I had a similar experience with gabapentin, that out of body experience. It lasted for a couple of months.

The thing about allergic reactions like yours is they can escalate really quickly. If you can, try to get an EpiPen or something like it. If you react further it could get quite bad. This is why they have you stop meds as soon as you detect a reaction.

Be careful @Victoria'smom

Well, was found "guilty" and I don't even know how because out of fear of everything going bad and not wanting to pants on to throw things out in the middle of the night, I ate every thing I have that could go bad if I was gone two weeks and it wouldn't be ok in the freezer (and didn't purge).

The nurse said I can call my PCP and set up an appointment, but I've literally never set up one myself it's always been like I show up to therapy and she doesn't want to deal with me and gets me in to get checked for scabies or my pdoc notices my pinky looks dislocated and she sets it up, and then I get calls for physicals and follow-ups. I honestly feel so fking dumb because I cannot navigate that fking maze of numbers in three languages and I think I called four different numbers not knowing which to call and there's still one more that I might have to call instead of the four I did and I don't know.

I don't fking know what the robots want. I can't understand anything half the time anyway so why bother anymore.

I got a pelvic us for the 1.0th to check for iud placement.

Thinking of everyone on this thread - all you guys seem to be going through it this week. @Blueberrybook - Love all your paintings! They are amazing! the Bumble for Friends app works great! It can be overwhelming, but a lot of people are on there. I read a review of the app that said if you meet just ONE friend on the app and it works out, it is considered a success. So when I met "the one" friend two weeks ago, I haven't been back on. And she is amazing! We connect very deeply about God and other things in life, the app is a win-win.

@Blue_Bird good to see you back on the forum - I am going to see Jurassic World Rebirth on Saturday too! It should be fun to do a movie review on Letterboxd as well. Have fun at the BBQ! Great painting today too!

@Nammu - I know I have to shower everyday and lately it's become a daunting task, but I push myself. I hope you had a good day, and got some news from the doctors!

@Moose72 @Victoria'smom @June08 @Crazy Hitch - I hope you guys feel better soon!

@JaneOnceMore - so glad to see you posting again! I had given up online dating all together - I am on Facebook dating too, and it has been painful! Glad to see you straightening up your place and working on things!

@BeyondtheRainbow - the chicken adventures continue! You should name the book - Adventures in ChickenSitting or Housesitting: The Chicken Chronicles!

@MuddyBoots - I am thinking and praying for you

Oh @Brentus - I know about the money woes, I am facing them right now. There is a huge car balance I owe out there too, that I have no idea what I am going to do with. I hope you get through it soon. Bankrupcy is not always the most desired option, but sometimes the best one. I filed years ago for one, and then messed it all up again, go figure.

Things have been really slow at work because of this holday week. I was doing well in June, but July seems to be falling flat. Today is my ex-husband's birthday and I am feeling melancholic. Just another failed relationship. Things are going well with my ex, and heating up with the new guy on interpals. I have some fun 4th of July plans coming up, so it will be nice to get away for that day. My mood does so many shifts during the day, from euphoric to crying in despair - bipolar is such a monster sometimes.

Switched over to depression like a light switch going out when i made a three thousand dollar mistake this morning. Canceled with the Mental Health Crisis Team. I'm no longer in crisis and i don't want strangers in my home. The junk removal service came and my home is nice and tidy again, except for the darn bedroom. It might stay that way tho because my energy has disappeared. My eyes are closed when i'm in there tho so it's not a big deal. The living room was the important room and it's nice and empty. In such a small space it's important to have large clear areas to promote the illusion of abundance for a sense of well-being.