Bipolar Check-In #91

Not really. I switch legs often when I am sitting. Now my leg makes this clicking sound when I walk and I am doing absoutly nothing but lying in bed and I felt off so I checked my blood pressure and its 130/101 and my pulse is 103

I'll check it again in a few minutes.

Edit: Now its 122/103 and my pulse is 110. Idk. I guess I'll try in a half hour instead of 10 minutes

Its 139/96 and my pulse is only 90. I took a valium and I just feel blah. I took some Tums too.

I drove 2 miles to Starbucks, sat and drank a Trenta ice water while my friend and I talked and now I’m exhausted again! This may be my new norm for a while.

I’m going to the store to buy salad. Haven’t figured out if I want tuna salad or smoked chicken or smoked salmon. I’m thinking a tuna and beetroot salad could be good

I have this pain in my left forearm that I just can't explain. It feels like arthritis, or something, but I don't know what it is. It just started two weeks ago, it's the weirdest thing. I am using my brace that I usually use for carpel tunnel on it. It helps a little.

So weird.

Had a good day overall. Read some more Star Wars and worked a little more. Feeling off for some reason though, can't pinpoint it. Applied for some jobs and realized how out of sorts I am with it. It's going to be hard to survive soon.

Just dissociating …

Making dinner……

I had a good day, time just flew by though. My painting of a cookie with icing was meh today but I was using that paper I don't care for as much. I guess it's the 100% cotton type, the watercolor just doesn't act the same on it, it absorbs so much water and you end up using more paint (or at least I do). Going to paint in my normal painting book tomorrow.

Hope everyone has a great evening and gets good sleep tonight!

Feeling restless. It's 8:00pm on a Monday night. I socialized lots today. I spent time outside. I snuggled with my dog. I checked-in with the exorcists. They are looking into free therapy with a social worker for me. I went to the mall. I had breakfast there and bought good-quality sandals for my aching feet. I don't know what is wrong. Just feel empty and depleted.

My dog's nail trim tomorrow at 10:30am. That should be fun. We'll be taking the bus. It's fun to take her on the bus and have her with me. Maybe we'll go out for breakfast before? I take my meds in 90 minutes. Wish i could just check-out now. It'll be dark soon tho and then it's easier to tolerate being at home.

Slept well, eight hours. Three out of the last four nights i slept well. My instability is fading. Grateful, but miss the fun. Hard to face the reality of my loneliness. Had a text fight with E's twin brother A last night. So angry that i asked to be put in touch with E for education and spiritual guidance and they assumed it was to get laid. Guys always think any interest from me is sexual. E isn't even hung. Why would i want THAT?

My home is messy with garbage overflowing yet again. I get so frustrated with the constant maintenance it requires. I just get it cleaned up and then it is time to clean up again.

My heart dropped with a thud when i went into my browser's list of favorite sites. I saw all the things i had tried to improve my life, all futile. I feel so sorry for myself, that i try so hard, and fail. Why do i keep going on? If there was a button to press, i would press it.

GI stuff



But my stomach hurts so badly again and then the leg thing too. My BP was 116/87 so thats fine now

Theres this bread I like called naan bread. Its Middle Eastern bread. But I get this box of frozen ones that you heat in the oven for 2 minutes and you have warm bread and its really good. They are hard to find and kind of expensive though.

I’ve just finished doing so many chores!

Cleaned the fridge
Tidied up my bedroom
Vacuumed
Swept the patio
Turned on the dishwasher
Threw bedding in the machine

Nothing screams my ocd son is coming for a sleepover like me frantically tidying everything up!

Will eat avocado and tuna salad when I Change over the load in the laundry

Did this post. Yeah. This is Gary. The one who is getting a lion cut tommorow. He is pretty much all fur right now.

And this is Crookshanks

I'm down with the sickness.

I just want to loll. I'm going back to staying up late and sleeping past noon. Bathing once a month. Wearing the same clothes for a week, including at night. My hair so greasy it feels like salad. My scalp a centimeter thick with dead skin cells. My skin thick with oil and dead skin cells. Pits and groin stinking. Eating junk. Gaining weight. Not opening my door most days. Laying around like a drunk with "OZARK" playing while i slip into a daytime stupor. Regretting giving my couch away.

I'm gonna enjoy it! Good times ahead! No more futile struggling! There's no denying my brain chemistry. I am the victim of my biology. Might as well face the music.

I am fat, ugly, old, alone, and hate myself. Therapy seems like a joke now.

Dewd, pretty kitties!!!

Janeoncemore - omg your writing the story of me! I try to tell myself that i am trying to turn the tide.

Im a little more real today I meet my new t tomorrow

Today was a rather boring day. The SI was a lot lighter. I started the day getting bloodwork done for my pcp. I'm trying to get the info I need to find out if my IV fluids are covered by insurance, but am still waiting for a response from the medical team. My doctor isn't typically who replies to messages, so there is a middle person trying to get the info I need. Hopefully, I hear back in time to contact my insurance company before Saturday when I have my next IV fluids appointment scheduled.

I was at my church for a bit today. There are a couple of days this week they need help with something so that will get me out of the house for a bit. I also have plans to see a friend and have my virtual study group. This might all be good for my mental health but, sometimes, my mental health is actually worse on days when I have something to do so we'll see. I'm officially ready to head back to work. I'm not ready for the amount of energy that will take, but I'm ready for the mental stimulation that comes from my job.

Tonight was a good night but this pain in my forearm is getting really bad. I don't know what to do. It's like carpel tunnel in overdrive. It actually means that I need to spend less time on the computer.

Heard from my guy and we spent some time. He is getting used to me again, and I'm getting used to him. The longing and needing is still there, but it goes unspoken between us. Maybe one day we will figure it out. Meanwhile I still have my thing with the guy from interpals, but honestly, he is so random and non-committed, it might just fizzle out.

Looking forward to a very busy Saturday ahead, but I got to get through the week first. Work went good today, I hope to get more jobs tomorrow for the month. I hope everyone has a very peaceful night's reat.

It’s raining and I have to go out. Taking my youngest son to a kids disco. Will let him jump and run around and get rid of his energy. He’s so bored poor kid.

Whale oil beef hooked, if I didn’t take a break from cleaning (or whatever the fk I’m doing is called) I couldn’t say I was hugging posts when Crazy Hitch was in the midst of her day on the nearish opposite side of the globe tonight!

I think my pdoc was right in saying the Rexulti, if it does help sleep, won’t for weeks.

Oh Ive been on Rexulti in the past Muddy. Hope it works for you 😊

I see my psychiatrist today. I'm not going to tell him about how I'm feeling -- I don't want my medicines messed with. I'm just gonna tough it through this rough patch.

First interview is at 9 today. Feeling anxious but excited

I slept well but am up too early. I guess it will take a while to get back to sleeping-in. I might not be able to do it tho since i'm in many-paws, haha.

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@Brentus: I hear you on the frustration with med changes. My exorcists want me to see a psychiatrist and change meds but i refuse. I've met too many burnt-out negligent criminal drug-dealing psychiatrists who abused my body and made me double my weight and destroyed my figure and fitness such that no man will look at me THAT WAY again. They're all a bunch of Hippocratic Oath violators; "First, DO as much harm as humanly possible" is their motto! Then they told me it's MY CHOICE to off myself. A real monstrous group of people...

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Never use "Heart-to-Home" frozen meal delivery service. I canceled a couple hours after i ordered on Sunday. They are still delivering to me. What a bunch of aasssshhoolleess! I'm not even going to open the door for the sshhiitthheeaaddss!

I met my therapist, he was nice, I think we'd get along, He's a year younger then me.He's really down to earth. He's keeping me at two times a week for now.So I'll see him Friday. He wants me to find ways to deal with de realization.