Bipolar Check-In #91

Trigger for vague political mention

Okay thank you, that makes me feel better. At least I have a year and a half almost to prepare

I got up to take my meds at 7- supposed to take blood thinners 12 hours apart. Then I went back to sleep. Got up about an hour ago. I’m listening to a podcast. It’s gonna be a long weekend since I can’t go out- told to stay home so I don’t exert myself especially in the heat.

Moose - and the air quality alert. Watch fireworks on tv

Politics: @bluebird Can you get a high paying part-time job?

Didn’t know there was one! I’m listening to podcast and making lunch.

Feel really disappointed in myself today. I cancelled both my breakfast and lunch date with my two new friends. Just the idea of driving in all that heat, and all the crazy drivers on the road on the 4th got me really worried. I woke up in the middle of the night with really bad cramps and have just been in pain. I feel so miserable.

Possible trigger:

I am feeling the weight of losing my benefits on my shoulders too. By 2026, I am hoping to not be hospitalized anymore, but that can give them an excuse to take it all away. I don't know what I will do.

Had a really long conversation with the girl I met on Bumble today, even though we didn't meet. She is really deep and we are going to explore things together. But I am worried, I am worried it is too much to invest in, I am not doing good today overall - I feel like the biggest failure in the world.

Why the eff are they shooting off fireworks in the middle of the day?

I'm getting my room cleaned today. I'm putting away everything I randomly put on my bookcase and TV stand. Like hygiene products and fabric spray. And I'm getting rid of random garbage thats around. I also organized my freezer.

My sister is coming over tommorow.

Without a college degree I doubt I can get a high paying part time job. My experience is in retail. Which is around $16-$17 an hour.

Just ate Mac n cheese at home. Will probably give my digestion something to complain about later!

I’m gonna be painting with a friend over video chat today. Then after that I’m going to the movie theater tonight at 7pm to see Jurassic World: Rebirth. Excited to see it. Hopefully it’s not too crazy on my walk home tonight since it’ll be after 9pm when I’m walking home and I live in a very bad neighborhood and it’s the 4th of July.

I slept good 9 hours. I woke up at 4am and thought I was up for the day but I ended up falling back asleep for an additional 4 hours.

Don’t have cable TV. I have a few streaming services but got rid of Netflix and Amazon Prime a few weeks ago. Listening to podcasts on iHeart radio. I just want a friend to come over this weekend! I’ve got my cat. She’s happy I’m home.

ETA: I give up. I’m going to go back to sleep.

Are you still starting school in the fall?

Possibly, I’m partway done with my associates I just need to finish it

I had the exorcists in. That's what i call The Mental Health Crisis Team. J was who i talked to on the phone. She was very good in-person. She remembered the facts without notes and asked questions to explore and clarify. Their involvement will only be about five days tho.

They will talk to my doctor to update him. They wanted me to try new meds but i am not interested. They want me to try therapy, reasoning that i am not the same shattered person i was twenty years ago when i had those three disasters in therapy.

J said i have good insight and that i've done good introspection and self-directed research on my own. The thing is: if i've brought myself this far, who says i can't just stay the course and bring myself the whole way? If i'm on a good course, why involve a therapist, who is an unknown quantity and who i might just end up feeling emotionally manipulated by?

It would be very risky for me to go back into therapy, and i just don't have room for error. It's up to me, and with no guarantees, and everything to lose, i doubt i'll do it.

It was nice to have J's time and attention. It's comforting to know someone out there knows my story. She's going to call me tomorrow. She'll be available from 9:00am to 9:00pm this weekend by phone. If she can sort things out with my ddiippsshhiitt doctor, that will be helpful.

It was a good experience and i'm glad i finally had them in.

Happy 4th of July! I hope everyone is enjoying the 4th in spite of the political nature of the country at the moment

@Blue_Bird - I'm sorry yesterday was so hard for you and that your T had a hard day as well. She really should have rescheduled her appts. and taken the day off if she couldn't focus on her sessions very well. I hope today is better for you.

@LadyShadow - I'm sorry you're struggling today as well though I understand not wanting to be on the road with crazy drivers. I actually hate driving a lot. It makes me so anxious I don't ever drive on freeways and only drive locally.

((((HUGS)))) to everyone else!

I'm having a good 4th though silly Pecan woke me up of course. I had a weird dream where H was practically going nuts with a chainsaw, cutting down our large pecan tree and the neighbors' oak tree as well. I was so frustrated and mad and was like, what are we going to do with all this wood? Heavy trash won't pick up this much! And H was like, "Oh, don't worry, I'll just put it all through my wood chipper!" (He just has a standard individual wood chipper, nothing industrial grade or anything, no way it could handle that much wood!) I was beyond annoyed in my dream, so probably it was a good thing Pecan woke me.

Not quite sure where that dream came from! H doesn't even own a chainsaw.

I took a jog this morning, but it was a slog. Probably because I need to take a slower day, pilates again and also it's hot and was super humid, even for here because it rained last night. Though I guess the rain is a good thing given all the illegal fireworks people set off in the neighborhood on the 4th.

I had breakfast with the SAD lamp but mostly played Happy Color on my iPad because H had an online business meeting with his startup company overseas, and there was no way I could concentrate to read through that. I painted a bit before and then after lunch. Today's painting is a robin (well, a bird anyway), so the outline was trickier to draw and the painting itself was challenging. I guess not terrible for my first attempt at painting a watercolor animal life picture.



Oh, and I took a selfie I meant to post the other day:

@Blueberrybook:

You are beautiful, so charming and attractive and appealing! That thousand-watt smile is completely disarming! Happy fourth to you and all my American friends! Have a safe and happy holiday!

I need to finish cleaning my room. I have 10 shirts on my closet floor to hang up. Then whatever is in the dryer. I had to stop because I got lightheaded and my BP was 129/95 then it dropped a lot and I'm tired now.

Here is a couple recent pictures off me. I think they went through.

You look so beautiful @Blueberrybook ! I love your smile so much! You look really good too @Mountaindewed ! I am feeling better about not going out today. I feel disappointed yes, but I honestly didn't want to go out there with those drivers today in all that heat.

I am sitting here with a large piece of Key Lime Pie and whipped cream, and I don't care, lol.

I am hoping to go see Jurassic World tomorrow, it should be fun. Going to make today a "me" day I think - just going to relax and take care of myself and do things for myself - I think it's really important.

Got to my daughter’s house before noon, fed the turtle and watered the flowers. They are camping drive wasn’t too terrible but lots of cars on the road and they go soooo fast. My biggest complaint is them cutting in front of me too soon. That triggers my cars auto slow down when the car in front is too close.

Got a parking spot when I got home right in front of! Yay! Joined the girls in the community room for a bit, but my spine has deteriorated enough that those chairs are too hard for me to sit for long. Monday I see the spine Dr but I’m pretty sure it will be,…we need more images. They always say that. I thought I was finished with them, but I guess not. I have a deteriorating spine but I had hoped the last surgery would have been enough until I was in my 70’s. Drat.

On prime day I’m gonna look for the cushions and hope they are on sale. The one I want is over $70. That’s way too much.

No fireworks here yet. Guess they are waiting until dark.

The paintings I did with my friend over video chat today. Some Nintendo characters and some random pyramids

I love your paintings @Blue_Bird! They look great!

You look gorgeous

Look up Jacke Saubrido for a reason not to drink and drive cause not everyone dies who gets hit by a drunk driver.

What I learned in DARE