Bipolar Check-In #91

Hugs Rainbow, I’m sorry you’re going through that

Good morning. I just got home from a 30 min walk , had to buy some stuff at the store. A new litterbox for the cats, carpet freshener, paper towels, and febreeze.

Anyway, this coming Friday I have an appointment with my psychiatrist and we’re gonna start tapering me off of trileptal since I’m doing fine on my other meds.

I miss my dog. I keep hearing people knock on the door and feel like someone is behind me. I keep looking and if she was here I'd just look over see she's sleeping and ignore it. However we can't afford a service dog right now. Plus I can't take them outside when H is at work So not until we move to a place where I can go outside even in winter.I help family with getting degrees but I'm having to redo everyone's plan. It's disheartining. I still feel unreal.

It's not crazy hot and I'm doing laundry so I'll probably actually be online on my own computer with my wifi actually plugged in for the first time in a bit.

I haven't been feeling great lately. I decided to forgo the valium (it was PRN and I think after ridiculous amounts of benzos in the hospital I kinda had very quickly built my tolerance back up) for a few days and see if when I take it again I don't question if I accidentally took Adderall (stopped every dose after the one they watch me take a few weeks ago) and am having a reaction to it that's more stereotypical of people rather than my usual response. I gotta remember to ask to switch to a non-stimulant ADHD med Monday just to see if I can eat and sleep better without that 10mg in the AM. I was thinking probably Straterra, which can still cause issues I guess, but maybe it'll be better?

Beyond- sorry about the predator breaking in. I hope by now everything's cleaned up and you've been able to secure the survivor.

I am at the hospital. in the pharmacy waiting for scripts. I came in for chest pains. Seems they were supposed to put me on 10 mg of eliquis for a week 2x a day instead of the 5! But my levels are fine now so averted that crisis! The pain is referred pain from the embolism in my lung.

Edit: my mom got me!

The fireworks were pretty freaky last night. I was trying to sleep and then a loud one would shoot off.

We had to take the cats to the vet and we had to take the bed apart to get them in their crates. They were not happy. Gary is going back to get a lion cut on Tuesday.

It was hot as hell in that building and I was close to passing out. But I made it and we got happy meals on the way home which helped.

I still am not feeling too good but I see my Gi on the
12th. I think a lot of it is the heat and the loss of appetie from getting off the Topamax. I actually look better then I did in March thanks to the iron pills.

I feel better mental health wise then I did on Thursday and Friday. I'm just kinda not feeling that great physically.

@Victoria'smom are you allowed to have pets? Could you have a cat? They aren't as alert as dogs but mine does react if there is something to worry about and sleeps when there isn't. If there's a noise she perks her ears up and looks around to be sure she's safe. It might be something? I'm so sorry you lost your dog. When it's happened here we have talked about how there is a presence missing in the house because you are so used to that pet being a central part of the house. And that's triply so when you rely on the pet to feel safe.

Did everything work out @BeyondtheRainbow ? I am sorry you had a rough night last night, hopefully your brother came and helped out. @Crazy Hitch that is such a great drawing! You are really talented.

I woke up very late this morning, but I feel very good. I think I needed to rest. I am about to go see Jurassic World, so excited! Will probably close my eyes at the scary dinosaur parts though. Yikes!

I have a very uneasy feeling bubbling below the surface that I can't pinpoint. Maybe feeling not as connected to God as I used to be has got me on edge. Tomorrow is mass, so maybe I will feel better about it. I really hope they have the AC fixed though.

@BeyondtheRainbow I don't think I'd trust a kitten plus we'll be downsizing when Victoria moves out to a studio. So it's not really fair having an animal in such a small place. Thanks, I just have to develop better coping mechanisms without relying on outside confirmation. I'm sure I will get another service dog but the times not right now..

Good afternoon

Had a rough morning. Couldn’t wake up. Just sat and watched mindless tv shows from the 70’s. Had a second glass of chai and now starting to feel human.

Oh rainbow,, what a thing to happen. The poor chicken Surviver! I so get wanting to bring it in for the night.

Shadow have a great time at the movies.

Blue 🐦 sounds challenging to walk home with firecrackers going off.

Got nothing to do today but the usual. Going to eat breakfast now then go downstairs awhile.

I'm doing okay today though I only slept 5 hr last night so I'm dragging a bit. The fireworks and firecrackers kept me up and then I couldn't fall to sleep afterwards. I was pretty tired when I got up so I did pilates for exercise; I needed a rest from jogging anyway. I read with the SAD lamp and had breakfast. Then, I cut up chicken & sliceed sausage, sauteed them each separately then sauteed precooked shrimp (to get the water out of it as it had been frozen), chopped onion & green bell pepper & minced garlic in preparation for gumbo I'm planning to start this afternoon. Art today was very frustrating; nothing was working right. Finally, I managed a dog sketch that's so-so as I wanted to produce something today. Just one of those days; it happens.

My period is now 2 weeks late. I really thought I was going to start 2 weeks ago; it felt like it but then nothing, not even pink spotting. I am never late. It's probably perimenopause, could also be because I've been exercising pretty hard outdoors in the heat; I know hard exercise messed with my cycles in the past but it was really an ED thing WAY overexercising (like exercising4-5 hr daily) & undereating; I didn't stop getting my period until my weight was super low. I definitely couldn't take an IUD failure at this point in my life.

I'm feeling a bit stressed now, a combo of my art not working out and probably hormones & fatigue too. I'm not depressed or anything, I've just had better days. Hopefully I'll feel better after eating lunch. It's getting on to 1:30 PM, and I usually eat lunch by noon since I wake quite early most days.

I hope everyone has a great Saturday!

Blueberry, your gumbo sounds great!

@BeyondtheRainbow: I am so sorry about your poor chickens. They really are delightful animals. I follow a funny chicken series on Facebook and it's really apt how the chickens are always wishing me a good morning with such silly glee and verve. Hopefully your brother has responded with some help by now. Keep us posted.

@Blueberrybook: Your gumbo sounds amazing! Something i will try once i'm stable again. Sorry your day is sub-parr. That happens sometimes and you sound like you're coping with it well. My period stopped for a year when i had anorexia in my teens and trained as a competitive gymnast. Hopefully it is just perimenopause this time for you. I can't tell you what a delight it is to be in full menopause and not have to deal with that wretched mess every month and the endless worry about accidents.

@Crazy Hitch: Your drawings are wonderful! I've seen the original victorious warrior image online. Are you the original artist or is yours an homage? I've never seen the second despairing image. Is that an original artwork? The photo of a grieving old woman from rural Eastern Europe on the Wikipedia entry for "Prolonged Grief Disorder" (attached) is very moving. If i was still drawing, i would draw it. Would love to see you bring it to life as a drawing!

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I had a hard time getting to sleep. I had fight/flight/freeze/fawn/flop syndrome. I kept telling myself that i was safe behind a securely looked door with a barlock on it so the door cannot even be opened even if someone has a key. I kept telling myself that i am at peace and have privacy and my dog is sleeping peacefully with me.

Nothing worked so i finally got up and journaled. When i felt stoned enough i went back to bed but the rest of the night i only had tortured twilight sleep with crazy nonsense ideas. Seroquel. I woke up too early, unrefreshed. I tried to nap and joyously felt myself being dragged under, only to give up 90 minutes later. So disappointing.

I talked to J at The Mental Health Crisis Team and she seemed interested only in if the violent thoughts i had over the past few days have passed. When i said yes, she quickly rang off. It was discouraging.

My lovely young feminist neighbor ("F") asked me to go to a Farmers Market. I *L*O*V*E* Farmers Markets! But i had to say no because of this darn instability and being so sensitive to triggers in public. I'm very sad about this because this is the first time F has asked me to do anything and i hate to turn people down as they may get discouraged and not ask again. Sigh! My mental illness costs me so much!

I *DID* manage to have fun in the lobby talking to other neighbors as well. I did some good work towards building relationships and had fun while doing it, which is an end in itself.

Drinking chamomile tea today in hopes it will promote sleep. I'll try warm milk before bedtime too, for the tryptophan. It has to be warm to be effective. I prepare for bedtime from noon onward. It's not much of a life but luckily i like being a homebody and the loving company of my sweet creampuff dog.

She's learned how to clamber up over me in my overstuffed chair that i've downsized to as a sofa is too big in here. She climbs into my lap, hops on top of my belly, and clambers onto the back of the chair and lies on the tops of the fluffy back pillows. I call it my "Womb Chair" because it is as comfortable as a womb in it! Really a stellar piece of furniture! My neighbor gave it to me free! Haha!

I ordered a pair of Crocs from Walmart the other day. I have just worn Nikes for the past 2 years but I wanted something different. They feel great. I'm also wearing basketball shorts instead of my normal jeans. Every guy I saw today had on basketball shorts and a t shirt. I wore an Oasis T shirt the other day to the grocery store. I think I'm finally looseing up with what I wear.

@Mountaindewed: Glad to hear you are loosening up about your wardrobe. We have a trans-woman here in the building and she is a delight.

Thanks for all the support. You all have no idea how much I appreciate it.

My brother is here and is taking care of the body right now. We haven't yet found how the thing got into the coop.

And now that my brother's dog has been wildly running around the 3rd chicken is hiding. Or something got her too. I don't know. I really hope she shows up. I'll know about 6:30.

I really wish my mom were here. She gets home Monday which is not soon enough. I feel done with chickens. I never want that responsibility again. I'll have it of course but right now i can't imagine doing this ever again.

Thanks again. I appreciate each and every one of you.

On top of being at the ER for four hours this morning I was hungry cuz I hadn’t eaten all day so I got Taco Bell. Really healthy! Then I took a Motrin, wrote down what time I took it and got into bed with my heating pad! I set an alarm for 7 so I don’t miss taking my blood thinner and other night meds!

My drawings are inspirations from a collection of themes I find online unless I’m drawing my family! I changed up the original warrior one and added my own elements. 64446 is Nelson Mandela prison number. He’s my inspiration.

Love your drawing @Blueberrybook 💖

@Crazy Hitch: That's so cool about Nelson Mandela's prison number! I bet you are one of very few people who know it. I know Jean Val Jean's prison number from "Les Miserables": 24601. It's in one of the songs from the musical. He sings the song and ends on his number, the "1" one a perfect 'high C.' Tremendous work, Crazy Hitch, you're so clever!

I was born in South Africa and lived there until I was 28 then moved to the UK for a year and a half then finally settled here in Australia. If I could have dinner with one person dead or alive it would be Nelson Mandela for sure!

Best fourth of July ever!!! Saw Bad Omens and Spiritbox and they were AMAZING. I wish I could repeat the night over again. I have the best husband in the entire world. ❤️

My bipolar is getting worse as i age. I remember an older friend in my IRL support group telling a younger me it did. I did not believe her. Now, at 58, coming down from the highest episode i've ever had with the worst insomnia and the biggest total cost by far and the longest running time (five months), i finally believe her.

I had thought that surely i'll get better at handling bipolar, with experience. Na ga da.

@raspberrytorte