Bipolar Check-In #91

I could do with a cup of earl grey tea but I know my bladder won't appreciate me last period today.

Chat GPT gave me a good line -

I need help separating what I can control from what isn’t mine to fix.

Great picture @Crazy Hitch! I love it! ChatGPT is amazing isn't it? I love your Kiwi @Blueberrybook - thanks for asking about my dad. He is doing very well. He just wants his car fixed and his shoulder to feel better. The doctor said it was whiplash. @Blue_Bird I am happy that you are feeling better, and glad you decided on trying a part-time job again. I have been back and forth about it myself for a while. @Nammu - so sorry they put your back through so much today, I hope you're able to get a resolution soon. @June08 - I am sorry about your grandma, I will keep her in my prayers.

I got not only one but two calls today! I think me and my ex are getting into a space that is really beautiful. My heart doesn't ache uncontrollably, and he is showing up more than he ever has. I don't know if there ever will be a reconciliation, but there is a lot of laughter and sharing and watching shows and movies, especially old cartoons. What I had loved about him so much was the way he made me feel young again, sharing shows and cartoons from the 80s and 90s through laughter and love. I had missed that the most and I think that's what had hurt so much when it was gone.

Started watching Stranger Things Season 4 again with my best friend tonight because I had forgotten everything that happened. I want to be ready for Season 5!

Things are good though even though work is painfully slow. I plan on reading my Star Wars books tomorrow and getting ready to travel to Raleigh for the 4th on Friday. I am resting with a heart that is full tonight.

Ooohhh yeah, gotta be ready for stranger things!

Just one more hour left of work. I got this!

I woke up feeling itchy and achy. I feel kinda better now except I can't get back to sleep. There was a fiasco in the bathroom with a large spider. But it was gotten with a broom.

I'm just blah and maybe unaluna is right

This pain is kinda weird. Its just general achyness. I've had it in my left knee for a few days and now all of a sudden I ache all over. No fever so I"m not going to worry about seeing a doctor right now.

This is gonna sound like I’m an idiot but I took my bra off! Maybe that was part of it! Still majorly sore but if the bra at least wasn’t helping it should get better now by the time I get up. Still very sleepy during the day. Got that heart Dr to see later today about the PEs. I only put that bra on yesterday. Totally not related to the PE cuz I had no bra on on Monday when they diagnosed the PE and today is Thursday . They actually diagnosed the PE on Friday but confirmed it Monday. I know I had no bra on on Monday at the hospital because I had an ekg and a chest ultrasound plus constant heart monitoring where the hook up umpteen wires to your chest and take readings for hours.

From google: Google: In some cases, the pain could be related to costochondritis, an inflammation of the cartilage that connects the ribs to the breastbone. This condition can be exacerbated by wearing a bra that's too tight. I’m not going to wear a bra today. Probably be best anyway if the dr wants to do tests.

Idk if this is helpful but unless it looks weird under whatever I’m wearing or lack of support is more uncomfortable,, I wear the lowest of impact “sports bras” from Walmart or pull-over bralettes more often than not because I don’t like the clasps on normal bras.

I slept almost two hours last night finally! I was surprised tk wake up, because I was in a lot of pain and I think my mind said “we’re keeping you up? (mind and body) fk man sorry,we’ll stop talking.” Then for a second it’s like I was numb but before I could think “oh shyt, that’s not right,” I was opening my eyes and it was starting to get light out.

I don't feel good and I've tried my nausea meds but I baven't had any luck. Breakfast was just a couple organic vanilla rice krispie treats and a few sips of water. There was no soda or coffee involved.

I have therapy in a bit and I'm thinking of moving it remote again and hoping she doesnt get pissed

I just want to stand in an Iceland field right now. The wind is blowing slightly and its cloudy.

@Crazy Hitch

Great picture! You're very pretty. 😊

Anyway, I'd post a picture of myself, but I don't know how.

My husband and daughter want to go to fireworks tonight, but I don't unfortunately. We're going to Summerfest in Milwaukee tomorrow for the weekend and seeing Bad Omens and Spiritbox tomorrow night and probably seeing fireworks after that, so I kind of feel like it's overkill. Plus I don't find fireworks all that exciting. I don't know. Guess I'm just a killjoy. (I mean, obviously I'm going to go tonight anyway. They're going to drag me. Lol.)

It's supposed to be 90F in Milwaukee tomorrow night and the concert is outside. I'm going to melt. I don't do well in heat at all.

Summers are hardest for me mood wise. I think it's because a lot of the traumatic things in my life have happened over the summer (plus I don't like heat and sunshine and being outside really, not to sound like a vampire or anything. Lol). I've had lots of good times too, don't get me wrong, I just always get this sad feeling that makes me want to cry. I really should have brought this up to my therapist yesterday. I don't know why I didn't.

In fact, I'm crying right now. 😭 Oh. BOOHOO.

Woke up kinda early because I am hoping I have a good work day today. I doubt it because of this stupid holiday tomorrow. Every time there is a holiday I make almost no money - it's really annoying. I am hoping I will be okay next week.

Feeling good for once - kinda tired, but I am going to push through today. I hope everyone has a good day! @raspberrytorte - I actually don't wear a bra if I don't have to and I agree, sports bras are the best!

i was so amped up last night i took a higher dose of melatonin like pdoc suggested and managed to get some sleep. my minds racing like crazy

I've already put the laundry in, took a shower, made a drink. I'm waiting for my nurse to come. My husband went to pick up my shot. Then my nurse will give it to me tomorrow. Pdoc will do tele-health from now on. He says we may have to tweak the haldol but besides that he's happy with the medication. I forgot to tell him I dropped out of school and I'm doing my own things to get my degree. The gabipenten makes me feel so weird, like I feel like I'm going to fall asleep but I can't sleep.

Set my alarm for 5:30, surpassingly I had no trouble getting up and going. But man the mri was tiny! Small that the ones in Texas ( yeah I know everything is bigger in Texas) was in it for over 30 minutes lying on a. Straight piece of metal. Oof my back. I couldn’t sit up afterward. Got my appointment to see the spine doctor,…Monday! Here I was expecting to wait months. The lady doing the schedule said it was a cancellation .

Went shopping at Wally World and they were almost empty. The HC spots were all taken though. Got my granddaughter her presents. Dollar store wasn’t open yet.

I was planning on hunkering down for the 4th but my daughter needs me to go water her flowers and feed the turtle.

Good morning, I slept good. 8 1/2 hours. Have therapy today. Probably will be talking about trauma and doing /talking about more EMDR related stuff.

I bought a few pairs of pants for working. I’m always so reluctant to buy myself new clothes. I generally wear stuff until it is quite literally falling apart. But I needed a couple pairs of black pants for in case I start working and a couple pairs of jeans since I’ve been wearing the same two pairs of jeans for 3 years daily, those jeans are the only thing I wear whenever going somewhere. So yeah they’re starting to fall apart. So it was time to replace them. Also they didn’t fit good anymore. I hope to build up my wardrobe over time very slowly so I have new stuff to wear that isn’t so worn out that it has holes in it. Idk if it’s a self esteem issue or feeling like I don’t deserve to wear nice stuff or just childhood stuff from when I was homeless with my mom growing up and wearing crappy worn out stuff all the time that maybe it just became a habit over the years to not really care or feel like I should invest anything into clothing. But yeah I’m an adult now so I can buy my own clothes. I’d probably feel better mentally anyway wearing stuff that looks good and feels good. Instead of walking around in ratty sweatpants and shirts with holes in them.

I also got a belt because I only have one belt at the moment that is also getting worn out.

I also got new shoes recently. My friend bought them for me as a birthday gift. Cause the ones I was wearing were 3 years old with a lot of use since I used them daily and don’t have a car so walk everywhere. They’re the brand vans. They’re very nice and comfortable.

Anyway, I’m trying to put more effort into taking better care of myself

Anyone else having an increasingly hard time using this site? Like it's glitching more lately or just you press buttons that do nothing and half the time you hit something to edit a post and then you have to copy your text and refresh the page, paste it, and then it'll show up?

I was using mobile earlier and it took me like 5 tries to add "Trigger swearing" to a post. I couldn't even get it in a box, but maybe because it was an image.

Maybe I'm just more impatient than usual or have shakier hands and have been using mobile more because I just can't use my laptop without burning up my studio right now (not in a flammable fashion, just the heat from the laptop would make it hotter than outside and I'd have to cool the place down by opening South-facing windows when it's a triple digit heat index out), but I also feel like I hit "new posts" and it says I have to wait 5 seconds a lot more often than I hit "new posts" more than twice in 5 seconds.

I coulda sworn i posted about my mri experiences earlier this morning but it disappeared. So while things look ok otherwise, idk.

I want to fix something on my chest. My mom is totally on board

Yeah today is weird though. I moved therapy to Monday because I can't seem to function. I'm typing this with my thumb and I'm lying down with the song Whats Up by Four Non Blondes playing.

I just need to relax today. I don't need to call or message anyone.

ChatGpt said it could be a liver issue. I know on my MRI scan it mentioned something about my liver. I think I just like to panic during holiday weekends.

About to do that bipolar flip flop where everything is good and then everything is horrible within a second of each other. Man, I really hate this illness - wish my brain would just cooperate and give me peace.

Guess what? Just have to get through today at work then I’m on HOLIDAY for 2 weeks! I feel like I deserve it. It’s been a rough term.

Sorry I'm just getting back to you all. Saw the cardiologist NP. My heart rate at rest is 100-something. Heart working hard to make up for the clot she said. Getting a heart ultrasound - hopefully at 3:30. Gonna take an hour. Told not to do anything this weekend and to see my primary dr Monday. And hydrate! Can't do any more testing for 3 months at the cardiologist! Ugh. I need to just stay on my higher eliquis that whole time. I'm just exhausted!! My friend My friend works here so I hung out with her on her break. Walking to the cafeteria and back was almost too much!

Sorry for the bad news. I knew I didn't feel well!!!

I'm doing well today, slept around 8 hr. last night. I went for a jog this morning, a bit on the longish side, and the sun really got to me the last mile. Showered, had breakfast. Read with the SAD lamp, finished my library book and started another. I watched some of Shetland on Britbox while having lunch, and I've been trying to paint a lollipop this afternoon, but it's a hard sell. I maybe should just stop at this point before I mess it up any more, but then I think maybe I can brighten some of the reds once the paint dries.

I guess I’m not going to be getting a job. My therapist clearly thinks it’s a bad idea. She didn’t say it outright but she was really concerned when I mentioned it and made me list pros and cons and the cons list was like 7 or 8 things and the pros was like 2 things. I guess I’m just being impulsive again

Oh blueberry I love the sucker! So I want to lick it.

Muddy if been getting more ads popping up between posts and flickering the site. I don’t do the box stuff. I’m very basic but still having trouble. Plus I think people aren’t coming on as often since the new ads.

UnaLuna I’d love to hear your mri experience

I went back to bed for a couple hours. 5:30 is just too early for me when I go to bed at midnight or later.

I tried to play 10,000 but the chairs downstairs are too hard on my spine. I think it sounds like my neck is fine and it’s my lower back that’s the problem. Monday appointment will probably be a dud with her ordering more imaging.