Bipolar Check-In #91

Depression wise, it usually means I have more caffeine than normal and, if I'm teaching, have changed my lesson so it's an independent work day for the kids. If I'm home and have nowhere to be/nothing to do, I often end up doom scrolling on my phone but I'm so spaced out I don't realize how much time has passed or remember what I was just looking at. I'll cancel plans if needed as well.

Faith wise, sometimes my prayer is nothing more than I'm struggling right now and don't know what to say. Or, I just try to talk with God throughout the day instead of sitting down for a formal time of prayer. Right now, a book with daily reflections and a short prayer is really helping me because I was struggling with unstructured prayer time.

I’m running out of scripts for all my meds. Going to see if I can see my pdoc on Wednesday 6 August for a refill. Pharmacist didn’t tell me I was on my last repeats and she usually does. I see my gp on Tuesday who can give me venaflaxine. Means I won’t have it for 2 days. It’s an antidepressant. I’m looking forward to the brain zaps.

It was an active and messy day with a rushed breakfast out, a visit to an art gallery downtown, a rushed lunch out, public transit and taxi stress for the duration, and socializing with F. What is wrong with me that i can't stay still? I was far too active today, and i *DID* try and be mindful, and rest on benches, and take stimulation breaks by closing my eyes, and wore my noise-cancelling earpods. I am still left feeling rattled and hectic.

City living, living in a metropolis, and the swarms of people today were so unpleasant. I think adventures in the city might be beyond me because i'm in menopause now. I just want a quiet private backyard to enjoy the Summer day in, and sit in an Adirondack chair and chill.

There's no privacy in this building unless i stay behind my locked door in my man-made home, where there is no nature. My darn balcony faces our twin tower, so there are thirty floors of people who could be looking at me, and i feel like a specimen under a microscope out there.

Unfortunately, F was a disappointment today and all my excitement about her has vanished. I'm just so done with struggling, struggling, struggling to develop a meaningful friendship, struggling with my feelings for men and sex, struggling to have a worthwhile life. I just want to relax and be satisfied with my life and not always be striving to improve it. I hope i can stay home more, it was really over-stimulating today. Stressful. Good stress, but stress is stress. Even too much good stress is unpleasant.

Still being really impulsive, blew a bunch of money on the Bumble app, fooling around with trying to find a man there. It just doesn't appeal to me, online dating. I can't start from ground zero with someone, a completely unknown entity. It's unnatural. We have to have something in common, and not just a desire for a mate.

Anyways, it's not practical or possible. With me being so darn FAT, there is no way a man will want to be with me. And no matter, I don't want a man, so we are in agreement.

I want LOVE, but there is no one. Strangers in the lobby, strangers in public, strangers on the crisis line, rejection from my neighbors, disappointment with F who i thought had such potential yesterday ~ i'm running myself ragged and i can't seem to stop. If i would just stop and acknowledge that my life is pretty great just as is, i would be so much happier. But no, this never-ending struggle to IMPROVE things.

I am my own "Project."

I feel like telling the world to just ffuucckk off.

JaneOnceMore the right man won’t give a rats arse if you’re fat or skinny they will see you for being you!

@Crazy Hitch: Thanks, that's so nice. With me not working or able to make commitments to regular activities, there's no opportunity for a man to get to know me. There probably *IS* a man out there for me, i'm just not able to find him.

The BBQ was really good!

Also had a great time with the Bible study with @LadyShadow ! Was so fun to be able to chat with you over video, I learned a lot in this study and am looking forward to our upcoming studies

I reckon if ever I video chatted with any of you I’d be quite shy and wouldn’t know what to say 😂

Men who get to know a woman typically don’t care about their body type. Mine loved me when I was 70 lbs heavier

This is probably, hopefully the last of my chicken talk for a while. We found one of the missing hens today. Let's just leave it that she wasn't alive and there's a chance that I trapped her inside a shed (but it also seems she was attacked.) Either way I didn't check the shed when I was looking for her and I should have. It might not have made a difference but it might have. I do know that she was missing for hours and that she didn't respond when I was trying to get her to come for her supper and she would have squawked. I think something probably killed her and pulled her into the shed while I had the door open but I'm just not sure. It's really hard.

On the plus side we're getting chicks! My mom ordered 15 to be delivered in about 10 days. Most will go to my sister and we'll keep some number I forget. This is the only way to get the breed we prefer. They are a sweet, sweet breed that lays consistently.

I'm in the city to have my breast visit and mammogram tomorrow. I did really well not getting anxious this time but I am anxious tonight. I know that sometimes I'll need a biopsy and sometimes I won't and nothing I can do is goig to change that. I'm even glad to have the possibility of a biopsy because if they see something and biopsy it now it has less time to grow before my next scan (MRI) in January. I just hate the waiting game. At least I have a nice, quiet room in the hotel. They keep this floor for patients at the big hospital and it is always quiet here but this time my room is located so that it is extremely quiet. It feels like nobody else is on the floor.

I hope everyone is having a good evening.

I always get nervous before video chatting with someone new 😂 I have social anxiety disorder and feel awkward a lot of the time. But I’ve gotten better at it over the years. My other online friends I’ve been friends with for 10 years that used to be on the forum I video chat with a few times a month to paint and talk and it’s nice. Im sure doing live video lessons with my violin teacher over the years has helped make me more comfortable to talk to people too. Cause if I can play violin in front of my teacher (which makes me nervous, even though she’s great) on a camera then I can definitely talk. It gets easier with practice though

But yeah the Bible study went really well, @LadyShadow is really friendly and easy to talk to

Awesome! I’m glad it went so well 😊

@HALLIEBETH87: Thanks, i'm glad to hear there are guys out there who are not superficial. Glad you found one!

A nice pleasant day for me. Had my hair cut this afternoon and then at 5:30 I had a paint and sip art class. Always there’s one or two people who do their own thing, it’s always interesting to see their art so different from the rest of us trying vainly to copy the instructions. Mine turned out ok but it was hard painting with a palette knife. No brushes. Just a knife.

But now that I’ve had time to get used to it it does have a certain de joie. Very impressionist looking. It’s of the Northwoods. So now I have three completely different styles of paintings of the north woods to put on my walls. An oil painting in the style of the joy of painting guy, Bob. A watercolor that’s realistic and this one. Wish I knew how to share pictures. But the painting I like best is the fauvism painting of my cat. He turned out really well.

I’m sleeping pretty good right now ( watch this jinx me!) going to bed at midnight and getting up at 9. I’m very unperturbed by life right now. Things have just gotten so bad it’s becoming normalized and unable to add anxiety.

I'm too dead brained to even have anything to report. I'm emotionally cynical, depressed and numb at the same time, and have been listening to the same song over and over again. Whatever. Maybe sometime in the next TWENTY years I'll feel well enough to write again. It doesn't help I have post concert blues too.

Still struggling today but doing a bit better. I'm gonna find a way out of this depression, but today isn't that day. Just working through.

My day ended up less busy than it was supposed to be. A couple of my plans got canceled at the last minute which was a little disappointing. I did get to help out at my church for about an hour this morning so that was nice. It's hard learning the ropes of this volunteer organization, but I'll get there!

I sure have been tired lately. I'm really hoping my IV this weekend helps. I'm pretty nervous about how hard it is going to be to wake up once I have to head back to work-I'm really worried about sleeping through my alarm. I already set it away from my bed so I have to get out of bed to turn it off so that's something I guess. Even though it makes me sleepy, I might try taking my seroquel dose earlier than I currently do (on the nights I'm home to do so anyway) so less of it is in my system by the time I need to get up. I currently take it at 7 pm.

I am so anxious
Med stuff

Thanks for the advice @MuddyBoots @Nammu @June08 on the depression stuff. It is okay to not have all the answers on the faith stuff, but the depression that slams me into the ground without any warning - I am glad you guys had some good tips for me.

@Blue_Bird thank you so much!! I learned a lot in our study today, and I am enjoying doing it with you. You were super cool and very engaging, I did not feel one awkward moment with you on cam!

I got TWO phone calls today, and I'm riding a high tonight. We may never be what we were last year, but the effort that is being made now, even with all the uncertainty, means a lot to me. It's hard juggling him and my best friend, they call at the same time! We started watching "Things May Come" now and I am watching Stargate SG1 from the first seasons with my ex. Also watching some cool Superman cartoons to get ready for the movie Saturday. Did anyone notice they changed the "S" on superman's chest?

I think tomorrow is going to be a rest day. I am going to watch some Time Travel movies, (I think Hot Tub Machine), in preparation for my Time Travel Sci Fi Group Coffee Talk on Saturday. I am going to be so overwhelmed on Saturday plus the hour long ride back and forth to Raleigh.

I hope everyone has a great night!

I woke up from the worst nightmare, saying outloud, "I'm not good at anything." I hope my husband didn't hear me. I got up and had a vape and drank some green tea, and now I'm sitting on the couch, in the living room, and feel like sorrow and grief and I guess depression is crushing me. It's making it hard to breathe.

I just feel like such a failure. And I feel like a drain on my family, and the past couple of days I've started isolating. I've accomplished nothing in life. COMPLETE FAILURE. The grief is weighing heavy on me and feels like it needs to come out. I'm scared to go back to bed because I dont want to have nightmares again.

Good morning, I have an appointment with my psychiatrist later today. Finally gonna be starting to taper off trileptal and Thorazine. Really glad I’ll finally be on less meds.

I’m feeling good. Just up listening to music. It’s only 6:30am and my appointment isn’t until 3:30pm so I need something to occupy my time till I have to head out to walk there around 2:45pm.

All nighter last night… I’m gonna love seeing my psych next week and saying “you know how we’re trying to get my sleep and mood under control with Rexulti? Yeah, have slept one day since our past appointment and am even more eager to stop breathing. Also I regularly piss my pants and I think I hear people talking about my saggy bipolar boobs in the street especially at night. New led is going great, doing wonders, helping so much. Thank you for this brilliant idea. I always doubted you and trusted myself despite you being the doctor but now I see the light. I realize your omnipotency now. I feel bugs crawling on me gotta go take a bleach bath yeah increase that **** to the max dose, please. Don’t rock the boat and enjoy your splash!”

Yesterday was really weird. I tried to take a nap after the dentist and I started freaking out thinking if I fall asleep I wouldn't wake up. Same thing happened when I went to bed for the night. Hopefully today is better.

Omg at 6am this morning all I hear is "beep, beep, beep" The inspectors yesterday put back up the smoke alarm that wasn't working. It worked for a little while but all I hear is beep beep beep now and it's driving me so crazy! I don't have a step ladder and I am afraid to get up on a chair. I am so annoyed!! The beeping won't let me sleep or rest, it's destroying my peace!!

I just couldn't do the blood work. I am so tired of doctors. So I called and scheduled my appointment for the 21st. I'm just going to pick up groceries today and then catch up on this show I'm behind. Maybe check out Love Island

When I go to Massive two shyts I put the unstable in Dunstable.