Bipolar Check-In #93

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Originally Posted by JaneOnceMore Got caught in holiday Friday afternoon rush hour yesterday and it was awful. Took me two hours to make a fifteen-minute journey home. This city really is a sprawling metropolis, it's so easy to forget, being a homebody. Came home shattered and frazzled and spent the evening trying to decompress. Today was better tho. I stuck to our lovely neighborhood mall and steeled myself to train my eyes down and away from peoples' faces and to walk slowly to save my delicate feet and lower-legs. It worked and i am feeling healthy and relaxed now. Getting back to vegetarianism and liking it. Milk is my main source of protein. It's so filling and easy, really a perfect food. F invited me over for drinks today. It was very nice of her, but i'm off drinking, as "Fun Jane" has left the building. Still it made me happy to be invited. It's getting dark so early and so cold except for the afternoons, the change of season is dramatic. I welcome the early dark as it pairs well with relaxing at home. Happy to be feeling calm, relaxed, and in-control. I don't miss the mania as it was so chaotic and out-of-control this time. Not worth it.

The traffic sounds horrible. I bet you were frazzled. I have a hard time driving to pharmacy up the road.

Hi Everyone. I slept all night. It was incredible! Today was a very good day. My family and I watched movies all afternoon.

Omg my God, it's 73 degrees at 9pm at night - and a thick humid 73 degrees - the weather forecast said it would be going down to the 50s, well when? UGH - I miss NYC a lot on days like this.

My new air fryer works great! Except I got overzealous and stuck waffle fries, regular fries and tater tots in there, so the waffle fries came out too crunchy. Live and learn, I will do better next time! I am going to try some chicken tomorrow.

Toxic Avenger was so awful!! I was the only one in the theater this afternoon, and when they were showing the trailers for all the scary movies for Halloween, like the Conjuring, I was so scared in the dark theater by myself!! Omg!! All the sounds and loud noises, I had to close my ears, lol. But the movie was worse than awful, I had such a good time. Ate all my popcorn and watched the madness.

Feeling pretty good after my fun day. I spent some time sitting on my parent's porch this morning when I went to feed their cat. They are still in NYC and coming back tomorrow. I will be praying for them to make it home safe. Watching Svengoolie with my best friend right now, it's the beginning of the spooky season now - I see all the pumpkin spice popping up everywhere too.

Having bad paranoia about my meds poisoning am dissociating. I am wondering if I should go to the ER but I don’t know to be honest

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I don’t know how to tell what’s real and what’s paranoia at this point

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What could ER do for you? What can you do for yourself? Use the thing you got a couple days ago. Call a friend, to do reality check with. Use ice. Yoga?

Saw N3 today. He showed me some of his school work. We talked. Then he had to go see his grandpa to play tennis and talk. He's paying N3’s tuition and for his apartment so he ought to spend as much time as he can with him. I think he's 83 now but still playing tennis!

@bluebird how are you doing? I hope you are sleeping soundly.

Went to a cafe. Broke my diet. Oh well. There wasn’t a great selection on their menu to be fair so I had cheesecake. It was good. Zero regrets today but tomorrow I’ll regret it when I stand on the scale.

Thanks @BeyondtheRainbow and @Nammu , I ended up going to sleep. I feel okay now. Sleep tends to reset my brain somehow when I’m dissociating and panicking.

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I used this antbiotic cream because my yeast infection csme back. But it said not to use Naproxen before surgery. I took it off

But am I screwed?

I wouldn't think so??? Naproxen is a pain reliever not an antibiotic(I believe it's the active ingredient in Aleve if I recall correctly, so if you've taken Aleve in the time you weren't supposed to take Naproxen you should tell whoever you can contact that is most involved in the surgery i.e. surgeon, GI doc, anesthesia, whoever you're able to get a hold of that is involved).

Hey it’s okay to have a treat now and then as long as it’s in moderation

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Good morning? It’s going on 5am now. My cat Mustachio woke me up early as usual. She knocked that fidget toy that was on my nightstand down onto the ground cause she was trying to play with it.

I fell asleep listening to bilateral EMDR beats on the calm app. I really wonder if it’s possible to overcome PTSD, for good. Some days are good and some I have really severe flare ups of dissociation and panic. I do EMDR with my therapist which helps to an extent but it still happens. So idk if I have to just accept the fact that this will be part of my life for the rest of my life or what. I always get excited when there’s several days in a row to a week where I don’t dissociate then inevitably it ends up happening again at some point.

Anyway, today I’m helping my neighbor with her grocery order. That’s about it for today. Tomorrow I need to clean my apartment because it’s a wreck

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Bluebird's right, unless you had 7 slices of cheesecake IN ADDITION to normal foods that at equal to whatever caloric expenditure you had yesterday, there really shouldn't be a big change (I'm thinking 1lbs or more) on the scale. CICO. I mean if you ate fast, are dehydrated, or have some allergy/intolerance to the ingredients at a mild level you might be bloated, but one slice if your day was otherwise okay is nothing to worry about. If you get frustrated over minor fluctuations though, you might want to make a graph in Excel or google sheets or something to see the overall trend rather than focus on the change from yesterday to today, today to tomorrow, etc. or just weigh yourself once a week.

Based on a lot of what I've read and been told, the type of trauma determines how easily treatable PTSD is. The most treatable traumas are generally surviving a natural disaster and the least are complex traumas during times of development (think young children and adolescents)--and even with complex traumas it can depend on if the child/teen had someone/someplace they could feel safe in during their upbringing or if they just never learned what safety feels like. A lot of other factors too.

Personally I feel like CPTSD is always going to affect me some way, but maybe more neutrally or even positively as I do some actual healing. They say a lot of people with CPTSD will handle crisis a lot better than most people because we grew up kind of in a state of perpetual crisis so it's like "wow, I actually have a reason to panic, everyone else is panicking and not handling it as well because they're not used to this situation being a day to day thing." A lot of the good EMTs have PTSD and/or ADHD because of the ability to thrive as much in high intensity situations as most people's normal day to day because our brains don't really recognize a difference other than seeing most people not handle the intensity as well (because of less "practice"). People with complex trauma also tend to be more understanding and empathetic and better "people readers" than most (which can be good or bad depending on the scenario, and I know if I see someone a little on the angry side but not enough for them to even notice I might recognize the anger, but I can jump to conclusions and think it's something I did when it most likely isn't).

Yeah that makes sense. Mine is from childhood/developmental age. Sexual assault from a friend and chaotic life growing up with my mom ; being homeless at a young age and her alcoholism and mental health issues.

I definitely grew up in state of perpetual crisis with my mom and chaotic upbringing.

It will probably always affect me in some way but hopefully with more EMDR and learning more about triggers it gets better

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I looked at the box and its nystatin not naxpren and it iisnt an nasid and its ok to take

My friend recommended algae omega 3 supplements to me because she said they helped her with her focus (she has ADHD) in the past. I probably have untreated ADHD but I don’t feel like going through the process of getting diagnosed and adding yet another medication. I’d like to avoid that if at all possible, so I’m hoping it helps me with my focus.

I love being dizzy from eating too little AND being nauseous from eating too much!

Just playing on my phone thinking about napping. I cleaned the cat box and took the kitchen and bathroom garbages out.

Not doing well today. Have food poisoning. That’s the last time I buy beef meat sticks. Been up and down all night long.

Had to ask my daughter to find someone else to feed the turtle. Hope I can go back to sleep. I’d just like to sleep though it. Couldn’t keep my morning meds down, really going to mess up my stomach.

I took my prn of 1.5 mg of klonopin. I technically can take up to 2mg a day but this turned out to be enough. I exhausted all my coping skills this morning and was still in a state of paranoia about my meds, panic attacks and near black out dissociation. I try to use those extremely sparingly and never use them more than once a week at most and during the worst times when nothing else is helping. I definitely feel calm now. Thank god for PRNs. I rarely use them but I’m glad to have them available for worse cast scenario.

Hope you feel better Nammu and Muddy

Ok. I have my neighbor/starbucks buddy right? Well we arranged to meet there for lunch and I ordered and ate my food. Well he ordered Taco Bell on the app from home then left his phone at home as he is religious about never taking his phone out of his apartment. We planned to meet at Taco Bell 1/4 mile from home. I ordered on the kiosk in the restaurant. He ordered on the app at home. Apparently they have a new system at Taco Bell where the order doesn’t go through without the phone being within five feet of the restaurant. He went home to check his phone three times but never brought it with him! Instead he finally brought back his iPad and ordered with that and got his food! Instead of being happy, he gobbled down his food without talking to me then got up and said he didn’t like having his iPad outside his apartment so he was leaving! And I assumed not coming back! I think he’s lost his mind! And I’m not sure I want to associate with him anymore. As an added bonus, there was a song playing over the speakers in the restaurant with a country song singing "I hear voices all the time....". Hahaha!

I figured out a good come back for when some meaningless action pisses somebody off a little too much and they feel the need to say something:

"OMG I called out "on your left" before passing someone on the left and that annoyed you! Sorry for being worse than Hitler!"