Bipolar Check-In #93

I just wrote a portal message to my allergist about this. I have several sores inside my mouth now- probably canker sores- after eating that kiwi. Right afffter eating one last night, my whole mouth burned and I had to brush my teeth with Biotene toothpaste which does not have SLS (SLS burns my mouth!) and rinsed really well after to reduce the reaction.

Okay so last night I was flipping my shyt and called on-call but it was like “I’M READY TO THROW MY GD FRIDGE OUT THE WINDOW WITH A SCREW DRIVER VERY SECURELY TAPED TO THE REFRIGERANT CONTAINER AND A BURNING MATCH SO WHEN IT LANDS IT BLOWS UP!” and she’s like “have you tried drawing?” like I was fking capable of sitting still for more than half a second so I hung up when she gave another idea I was thoroughly incapable of and turned my phone off.

I turned it on this morning and there was a message “if you don’t call back in half an hour we’re gonna do a wellness check.” Well last night I heard a knocking but I ignored it because it sounded like someone else’s door and I figured one of the girlies was visiting someone next to me because it was like three not loud at all knocks and then she t stopped. Apparently when they get a call for a wellness check either they don’t care whether they make contact or they didn’t get the right apartment number.

Watch me be put on an IEA today for that. If that happens I will fking beg to go to a hospital not in this city. The hospital where I went to for a migraine and they assumed the thoughts were the problem and not the pain so I got locked in their holding cell for four days and begged for Tylenol for two days before they gave me any? Yeah, that one. The one where the 6ft tall easily 220lbs guards have to get five other guards and restrain you as a 100lbs soaking wet female by the (for some reason always the right) breast? Yup, that one.

I go to bed sick with anxiety and wake
Up panicking. I have no time
For myself because I work up to 12-13 hrs a days and I’m too tired to do anything after. Is this job worth my mental helwth

My therapist friend has been having troubles at work because of home stress for months now. He was depressed last night even though he’s been on a SSRI for many years and tried a couple coping mechanisms like watching mindless tv. So I kind of understand what you’re going through.

I wonder if you got your flora unbalanced because you were on antibiotics recently? Like thrush? Would plain yogurt help?

I was not on antibiotics recently. BUT I think I’m getting my period! After 50 days. That can lower your immune system. Funny thing is I feel sick. Temp is 98.2 which is not a day 1 temp for me! It’s usually 97’s or even 96’s. I feel hot but I don’t have a fever and it’s a constant thing not a true “flash”.

Had therapy today. We talked about my ongoing delusions about my meds poisoning me and worrying about my doctors killing me or my meds being tampered with.

We also talked about my fear of death really in depth.

Anyway, she gave me some homework to do. I see her again in 3 weeks. Was a good session

Not much going on today. Sunday I’m going to see the new Conjuring movie in theater. I hope there’s other people in the theater when I go. Sometimes I’m the only one in the theater which can be nice but it feels a little scary being in a big dark theater entirely alone while a horror movie plays lol.

I went to the grocery store yesterday. Got some stuff to make pumpkin bread. Probably waiting till October to make it but glad I got the ingredients ahead of time. Also got some pumpkin spice cold brew coffee. ️

Oh yeah I’m painting with my friend over video chat at 3pm today which will be fun

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I don’t even have down time
To listen to Music bc I literally work then come
Home,
Eat shower and finish working then it’s time
For bed

Idk that I can do
This job. It’s so much

How long have you had the job now? Is it just getting worse as you go? Is there any way you can ask to have a lighter load/ switch to part time? (You don’t have to answer me that, just some things to think about when considering leaving).

A job isn’t worth that much stress imo. It seems like it’s taking up all your time/all your life for this section of it. Yeah, that wouldn’t be bad if you enjoyed it and it was a positive part of your life, but it sounds like it’s not.

I managed to get meds this morning and actually leave. I went all out at the gym after and got back a little bit ago. Feel somewhat better. My CM called (she said she would meet people Monday despite the holiday, but didn’t and didn’t call to say she lied, but luckily she no-calls/no-shows so often I don’t ever really expect her to show up) to make an appointment tomorrow. I’m gonna tell her I don’t have time tomorrow because I didn’t expect to have any appointments tomorrow so already prepared for a full days worth of stuff to do.

Missed that 7am morning AA meeting - I didn't want to try and go when I have a bunch of work meetings in the afternoon. I will try next week. @Blue_Bird sounds like you had a good therapy session. Girl, I just saw PREVIEWS of scary movies alone in the theater and I had nightmares a few days later, lol. It is TOO scary to watch a horror movie alone! Try maybe going on a Saturday maybe?

@HALLIEBETH87 - that sounds like so much stress overtaking your life. I know you wanted to go back to work and get your life back, but this is really affecting you. Is there a manager or supervisor you can have a meeting with and let them know how your feelings and concerns?

Today is going to be a really good day. Have a lot to keep me busy and my mind going, I am glad I have picked up some more hobbies. The powerball lottery is 1.4 Billion dollars, so I might actually go out and buy my first ever lottery ticket today, because like that old slogan says, "Hey you never know" but why does the government get 37% of lottery winnings? Like out of the 1.4 billion you only get 587 million - why is that? Not that 587 million isn't a crazy amount of money, but still.

I go to the clinic today to see the neurologist who’s going to stick needles in my arm. The thing is for the last two days I’ve had almost no pins and needles in my arm! If I cancel I fear it will come back, if I go ahead I fear they will find nothing! Fortunately I was able to schedule it for here so I don’t have to drive an hour into a construction zone.

Well I’d better go take my shower and get ready.

I'm not allowed to watch movies with other people, and kinda need someone to sit with me to feel motivated to sit and focus on a movie, so just don't watch movies too often

In this I can either be the dad or the granddad lol
When The Family Watches A Horror Movie Together. - YouTube

I miss @Blueberrybook. I hope she gets a chance to check in sometime soon.

I really struggled with waking up this morning. I drank 2 bottles of Mountain Dew but I still got up at 8:30. I had to do a pickup from Walmart then I just finished therapy. So I didn't have a lot of time to think about things. I feel pretty good today though.

I want pancakes. Dennys has pumpkin pecan pancakes and I always like their whole grain pancakes too.

I'm hopefully getting a fidget cube and a couple other stress things if their in stock at 5 Below

What is flora? I always thought that was a ladies part.

@MuddyBoots

Don't worry. Blueberry will be back once she's well again. 😊

Flora AKA living stuff that isn’t fauna.

Been fking with my fridge for hours now. It’s in the middle of the fking room where I guess it’s not on the steepest fking slant south of the White Mountains and is capable of silence for 5 minutes (watch I’m gonna check it out and find out I broke the shyt out of it.)

Made it to the pharmacy to get my Metformin from my primary doctor.

My cats enjoying the sunshine. It’s hard to see them but they’re both there

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh no guys Ive woken up super unwell. Upset stomach and vomiting. Made an appointment for my GP at 11:15am which means I’ll have to get dressed ughhhh

Yeah I got the fidget cube, some fluffy cloud clay that smells like blue raspberry, and a pretty big squeezy ball. Lol.

I figured out my lipitor is causing the muscle cramp. I think the med improved my anxiety though. So I don't feel like talking to my doctor. Theres some stuff about muscle breakdown but I didnt pay much attention.

Okay, not checking up on you, but checking up on MY memory - May is recent to me!