Bipolar Check-In #93

Good morning.. well afternoon. I slept great last night but still ended up taking a hour and a half nap this afternoon. My psychiatrist said I’d feel better in 3 days of the med adjustments and I do. A lot better. I haven’t had paranoia about my meds poisoning me or panic attacks and my mood is better, I’m feeling less flat in terms of affect.

I had a bit of a lapse in judgement and decided I’d thankfully some friends talked some sense into me and I didn’t go through with it. I know my psychiatrist wouldn’t be happy either if I did cause he’s very very much against it entirely, and when I was using that and edibles not this past spring but the spring before that when I was manic he was pretty unhappy about that. It made me more unstable and I almost ended up inpatient. So yeah not doing it again and especially since I’m just getting stable again.

That’s just something I have to come to terms with that I have to stay away from permanently.

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Good afternoon

Another nothing day. I think I’ve some 80’s movie on. It looks like it’s from the eighties. About 4 girls meddling with witch power. That David guy from thee x files is in it. Really there’s not much on, other than sports. Ugh.

Mostly on the internet though. Another nice day I think 60F for a high. Wish there was someplace to go. Days like this is when I miss living in a city. There always was something going on, or at least some cool vegetarian restaurants to hang out in. Missing Eeyore’s birthday. But if memory serves I think it’s in spring time. Not that Austin tx really has a spring.

I wokr up at 2AM with some stomavh issurs and then at 6 to take my AM meds and my mom gave me a pain med amd I fell back asleep until 9. I did a walmartt delivery for some stuff I can eat. Bisuts and lunch meat and some bread and this jar of Goober since PB&js
are ok. I just woke up again at noon and I needed help getting up so then I just put the walker by my bed because my mom shouldnt be helping me out ot bed like this. I plan on just napping some more.

I can't belive that man actually said I Iove the smell of depolyment in the morning."

It's a good thing @Blue_Bird that you decided to stay away from the vaping. I didn't realize it at the time, but drinking really affected my meds and my mental health to the extremes that was so disastrous. I am so glad I am sober and committed to staying that way. I have been lacking in going to the meetings though, so I will try to go to one tomorrow. Work has been going well, so I am hoping I can take a break and go out tomorrow. Maybe go see that Light of the World movie that came out on Friday.

Pretty bummed that someone in Texas and Minnesota won that 1.8 billion powerball - I know I didn't have a chance, but still - anyway, at my parent's house today having a barbecue since the weather is still holding up. Going to cut his birthday cake soon. The Lunar eclipse was over in Europe an hour ago, saw some pictures from my friends in the Reddit chat. Also, discovered EnotAlone.com a nice site for relationship and dating advice that I haven't visited in a long time. I know some people were asking about a site that had a space for journals again, so that's a good place to go. I have my blog but might start a journal there. I had one from 2017 there that was pretty interesting to read.

Hope everyone is having a good day!

Good morning everyone

Day 5 of gastro. Not 100% but I’m going in to work. Already had 2 days off last week and I don’t have an endless supply of leave. Just hoping my tummy behaves. I can’t even go in for a half day because we’re being set up for Webex on Friday for online parent teacher interviews. They’re in person on Thursday. I really don’t enjoy parent teacher interviews. I don’t have enough to say. They run for 10 minutes time slots and I’m usually done by 5 minutes. Awkward.

Hello all! Yesterday I went to a baseball game with my wife, parents, niece, and best friend. It was fun and I feel like I was actually able to enjoy it. However, I have been so mad since I started my new medication. Every little thing just pisses me off. Now, I believe that I had every right to snap at my mom last night on the way home. I have asthma and am a previous smoker. So my lungs have seen better days. My mom practically runs every where she walks. If it wasn't for my wife, I would have been left to walk by myself in a parking garage at 11 PM last night. I ended up having a severe asthma attack when I got into the car. I have had this discussion with my mom on multiple occasions about how she leaves me behind and how I cannot keep up with her and I need her to slow down. So she kept asking me last night if I was ok and if there was anything she could do for me. And I finally snapped. I told her that I hated that it is taking me having an asthma attack to get her to realize that I needed her to slow down. I apologized almost right after, but I was so upset and I have been a volcano of emotions lately. But today, my wife and I are taking the day to rot on the couch and watch movies and nap all day. I didn't realize how much I exhaust myself with my emotions. Im just having a hard time figuring out what is "normal" reactions and if I am reacting the way a normal person should, or if I am over reacting. I keep getting assured that I will get there and it takes time but sometimes it's hard to hear that you can't just take a single pill and make it all go away instantly. If only thats how it works.

I hope everyone has had a good weekend!

@sjohnson1103, Thank you for sharing! and welcome!
bizi

My POTs fatigue isn't great, so I'm spending today resting. Originally, I was going to clean. I did have to go to the pharmacy though. No issues getting my birth control and the price was so low it seems like my insurance actually covered it, which surprises me since I work for a Catholic school. There are a few reasons my insurance will cover birth control, so maybe my pcp coded the prescription in a way that falls under what is covered. A three month supply only cost me $8. I'll probably have to go to the pharmacy again later this week, after my pdoc appointment.

Ever since upping my seroquel, I've been able to focus on reading and am actually preferred reading over scrolling on my phone-I've been reading the fifth Harry Potter book. Despite being a slow reader, I'm making good progress.

I'm still struggling with anxiety fueled SI. I wonder if my pdoc will have any ideas about how to get rid of this.

Boy i was down to almost my last pct on my phone battery. I was out of chargers, got some delivered today. But i sure got a lot of chores done while my stupid phone was off! Just piddly stuff, like batteries and x-acto blades, and cleaning off surfaces, and and and!

Hi,

It’s been a good day watching football with family. I slept last night but had a recurring disturbed dream. I felt icky all day because of it. I typically don’t remember my dreams, but I did last night in vivid detail. W made a wonderful dinner. BiL still with us. D home for 2 days and back to work tomorrow.

Mood has been relatively stable but depressive. I’m apprehensive about going to bed tonight for fear of the dream.

I hope all are well.

I just drank coffee with milk at work ... not a good idea with my stomach

I think I have an ovarian cyst. Did you know they can put out hcg? Which can give you pregnancy symptoms and a false positive test? There is zero chance I’m pregnant so….Well as long as I don’t get a lot of pain I can see my dr tomorrow. Still no results for Covid/flu tests. Headache and slept four hours this afternoon! Exhausted!

I took myself out for a meal mid-afternoon. The food was good but i couldn't enjoy myself because i felt like such a dork for dining alone. I guess i'll order-in from now on. I hate all the garbage it creates but it's better than feeling like a loser dining solo in a restaurant.

I pretty much hate everyone and everything at the moment. Feel shame, humiliation, depression. All the messages on social media are that i'm WRONG. Wrong in the ways i try and be liberated, wrong in the ways i try and be traditional. I'm sick of it all.

I just want to stay inside forever and never see another live human face again.

Once again I'm having trouble falling asleep. I did get 12 hours last night which is pretty typical for me. I just don't know what is going to happen since I've been awake late nearly every night since lowering my klonopin. I really want to get as low as possible or off that med. I see my pdoc next week so I'll see what she says.

Today was a pretty calm, lazy day. I went out and watched our chicks explore their outdoor pen for one of the first times. They are so funny. One got a worm but rather than just ingesting it like an older chicken would do she didn't know what do with it so ran around it in her mouth while all the others chased after her trying to check it out. It was so cute. They also do a lot of running, getting scared by something, and running/flapping their wings. A couple times most of them did that and ran back into the safety of the coop before coming back out.

Now I just need to get comfortable with chickens and the coop and get past the trauma of what happened there in July. I've mostly stopped blaming myself but the memories are still hard. Tomorrow I'm hoping to put on my barn boots (they are printed with chickens ) and spend some time in the pen.

My Abbycat says it's time for bed. Too bad I'm not ready yet. She always comes to lay on me about the time she thinks it is time to sleep or time I should have been asleep and inevitably she does comes when I need to go pee. Then she's insulted when I have her move so I can get up. Poor sweet girl....

Seeing my dr today. The covid test still isn’t back! wtf?

Cops in my building and it’s making me panic.

@Blue_Bird

I too have just given up on THC. It doesn't help my anxiety, only makes it worse. All I can get here is delta 8 or delta 9 and delta 8 gives me an awful hangover. I'm just going to stick to my CBD gummies and accept that THC is a lost cause.

@Mountaindewed

I can believe the orange one said that. He's an out of control lunatic who makes zero sense when he talks. I don't know what exactly he's trying to accomplish.

A cap and ambulance were blocking my car on Saturday and I was worried . Turns out it was domestic violence

I don’t know what happened but they’re cleaning out the room two down from me now.

The landlord showed up, maintenance guy was here, and some lady I’ve never seen before too with them.

They’re late taking me back.

I'm doing better today. I slept ok. I'm able to get out of bed with the walker. But like sitting up is a lot easier.
I'm not having issues with the bathroom. I'm trying to get up every hour or so and walk around a bit.

I took my visteril today but I haven't had any valium since Thursday night which has been fine.

I set up 2 doctors apppointments

Today I got in contact with my SIL, who works at my doctors office, about my psychiatrist appointment that I am supposed to have. Turns out my paperwork never got sent over to his office which is why I haven't gotten a call to set up my appointment. So now I have to go in tomorrow to have my SIL make copies of my paperwork and fax it in. Who knows what happened to my original paperwork. Which is frustrating.

I am struggling with loneliness ever since I have been off work. I have a hard time leaving the house, so I like to ask people to come to me due to it. I love entertaining guests, it makes me feel so fulfilled. However, my only 2 friends that I have, have very busy lives. One lives 2 hours away and the other have 3 kids under the age of 6 and is a single mom. My wife works 3rds so I very rarely see her for more than an hour a day. I have been thinking about joining a women's group to see if I can try to make friends that way, but my anxiety is just too high for that right now. I just hope that soon I will be able to leave my house without the fear of breaking out in tears or becoming a volcano of pure rage and I can go do the things I want to alone.

Day 6 of gastro. I really don’t think my meds are absorbing properly the rate at which I’m losing fluids. I’m on an over the counter med that my gp suggested but it does diddly squat unfortunately. Struggled a bit yesterday at work with general lethargy and hardly felt like moving. I need a full day in b but that’s n going to happen. Wish I could take more time off but I already had 2 days off last week.

I see my psychiatrist tomorrow. I saw him last Thursday and he said he wanted to see me again this week. Things seem to be going well now. Not having thoughts about my meds poisoning me or having panic attacks. I’m hoping we can finally stop the trileptal tomorrow. I’m now tapered down at the lowest dose of it. Stopping it will raise the effectiveness of all my other meds which is a good thing.

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I’m waiting for my doctor to call me about my 2nd, rapid Covid test today. But an X-ray revealed a 6 inch length of tubing in my abdomen! 😳 (They seem to have lost my first Covid test!) They also saw it on a CT scan at some point but didn’t mention it?? I’ve been very tired recently so sleep hasn’t been a problem.