Bipolar Check-In #93

I don't know about every single med I'm on, but I know without any of them I would be putting the insane in "insanely sleep-deprivated sociopathic jailbird who can't think more than 3 seconds into the future." I don't feel much like a person (BPD/CPTSD symptomology) most of the time, but I do feel like I do better at being a person on meds than off. So I can't speak to "what is the true me?" but I can say the best version of a person I can be takes meds.

@LadyShadow if it helps at all, even with an eating disorder I willingly went back on Seroquel (150mg of XR + 2x100mg of IR as PRNs) because fk it, I feel fatter underweight than healthy weight, and I don't think I ever even made the overweight category when I was on 800XR and 100 IR 3x a day (of course that was back in my last years of high school/first year of college and I was running track/XC, playing softball, and skiing competitively, but it's not nearly as bad as Clozaril or Zyprexa regarding weight gain from my experience. Heck, I think I put on more weight on Haldol than on Seroquel). But I would rather at this point feel somewhat more stable and at least get rest if not sleep every night than feel capable of skipping dinner.

Last night was rough. I just wasn't tired. I slept from 9 until 11 and then I fell back asleep from 3:30-7:15. The sun was shining and it was nice.

Now I'm just feeling blah again. But mental healthv wisre I'm decent. My mom needs to witness the power of attorney for me but it can't be a provider or a family member. So the only person we could think of was the receptionist at my therapists office. She and my mom are really friendly with each other. Its so random the people you need to find for this stuff.

I am a bit anxious today though.

I'm up to my 10 pound weights. Weridly working out is ok. I also did about 180 crunches. I need to work on my legs

And I just now took a shower for the first time since last Thursday. I need to do my huge pile of laundry. I'll probably just drag the basket to the laundry room since its too much to sort.

I decided to redo the orange and yellow flowers in a different color scheme




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One more


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Blue bird these are really pretty!

Thank you! I feel like I’m learning a lot in the class

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Totally different from like your animé pics.

Yeah it’s way different, I’ve never really painted many flowers before at least not detailed ones. I’m having fun with it. I might join the teachers ongoing class after the promotional week, if there’s still openings. This is my first time taking any kind of actual art class as an adult outside art class when I was in college. I’m finding it very beneficial and motivating

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My stuff pales in comparison to some of the more experienced people in the class but it’s also motivating cause there’s a lot of room to grow and gives me a goal

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I always get scared and quit after a couple of drawing or writing classes. The self-sabotage is strong with this one. So you are teaching me strength.

I'm so excited. I just got my other monroe pierced, so now I have a double monroe. I love it! It's so sparkly. ✨️ It's a late birthday present. 😊

I told my husband I was actually thinking about going off my meds and he was like, "NO." Then he asked me if I liked being happy. I'm not actually going to go off my meds. I'm not a fool. I know there's no cure. I just.... wish I didn't have to take so many frickin pills everyday! And I hate how whenever I try stopping just one of them it ends in disaster (I wean down of course).

And, this is REALLY stupid, but sometimes I wonder how much I would weigh if I wasn't on all of these medications. I know that's dumb. None of the doctors I've seen this past year have even commented on my weight. I just... ugh! It's so stupid and vain! I mean, I can go through all of my meds and state their purpose. I don't have any purpose-less meds here!

I don't even know where I'm going with this. I'm going to stop.

:Hugs: @unaluna I struggle with that a bit too
@raspberrytorte I feel similar about my meds regarding weight. Like I really want to get off them sometimes because I feel like if I did I’d lose a lot of weight but I know that’s just gonna make things worse. Glad you’re enjoying your new piercing

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I am currently having the worst panic attack and dissociation that I’ve had in quite awhile. Idk what triggered it. I was fine and then I was suddenly dissociating and having a bad panic attack.

My paranoia makes me think it’s my meds poisoning me or something but I know logically that’s not likely and that this happens sometimes. I feel so disconnected from my body right now. My brain is just disconnected. And I feel like I’m out of my body. And I am also scared of dying.

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Thanks for all the amazing advice guys - @BeyondtheRainbow @MuddyBoots @raspberrytorte - thank you so much for your Seroquel advice and your experiences. It is something that I am seriously considering, since I have been dipping into bipolar lows that have been so painful and heartwrenching. I am so worried about the weight gain, but if I just go small, maybe it won't be so bad.

@Blue_Bird - I love your pictures so much! And the blue flowers are my favorite!! I'm really happy your class is going so well. Definitely looking forward to our bible study tomorrow! I hope you're able to get some rest soon. I am so excited about my PS2 coming, I got such a great deal on it. Games really do help relax you!

@JaneOnceMore - I am sorry you feel that way about your place. I know you've thrown a lot of stuff out, but how about redecorating? Like hanging up some of your favorite things, or getting a vision board for yourself so you can put up goals and dreams of yours to look forward to? I have two vision boards up that I keep to remind myself that things aren't so bad, especially when I get into one of my bad states. Glad that you were able to establish some boundaries with neighbors though.

I often think about life without meds. That's what I tried to do last year, but ended up with that horrible episode. Unfortunately, meds is a life sentence for me, I just hope and pray it won't affect me too much when I get older.

Today is turning out to be a good day though - about to go read and relax.

Thinking of you @Blue_Bird - do you have something to distract you? Games or music? Something to bring you out of it?

Thanks @LadyShadow ! I’m thinking of playing a videogame for a bit. That can help sometimes. Watching tv is too passive of an activity for when I’m dissociating, same with music. Because if I’m not actively doing anything I just end up dissociation even more. But a game is something that can help sometimes because it is more grounding since I have to be aware of what I’m doing in the game

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Im sorry, blue bird. I didnt mean to trigger you. I know we are all precarious.

Unaluna you didn’t trigger me at all

Mostly it’s just paranoia about some things in my life causing me to feel overwhelmed. When I feel overwhelmed I feel out of control. And when I feel out of control I end up dissociating. Nothing to do with anything on here

Some of it is just paranoia about the med changes I’m currently going through at the moment

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I’m cold this morning but apparently it’s going to warm up (for winter) this afternoon. Looking forward to it.

Have to time my benzo carefully at work today. I’ve got one tricky class this morning - they’re okay - just chatty - and then a trickier class who were awful on Monday. They came in after a PE Lesson with no regard to my lesson. Just talking over me. Kept a bunch in at recess. I’ve made a seating plan today for that class so they should be okay. I got this. They’re normally okay but I don’t know what happened on Monday.

Had my mammogram this morning and already have the results, negative! Repeat in one year.

Then I read for an hour and a half while I waited for my therapy appointment. That went great. We really covered a lot. The consensus is that I’m doing better.

Ran into two people from my building while I was at the clinic. That was sort of awkward. Had a scrumptious lunch of grapes, cubed cheese and crackers. Instead of getting a latte I got water.

Your lunch sounds wonderful Nammu!

@Blue_Bird have you been playing violin at all lately? I know I spent a majority of this summer at some level of dissociated (anywhere from feeling foggy/fuzzy to weeks of not remembering anything) but I picked up my bow again when I got back and I feel way more in touch with my senses when I practice and after. Just another idea.

It’s been awhile since I’ve practiced. I have another lesson coming up on September 14th and I’m not even remotely prepared. Thanks for the reminder though, I do need to get back to it. I find it very grounding as well. I remember one time I was dissociating right before and as my lesson began but afterwards I felt so much better after playing with my teacher. The violin is very grounding. There’s so much senses involved. Holding the strings down, moving the bow , the vibration of the strings , the sound. It’s all very grounding so I def need to get back to it

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