Bipolar Check-In #93

Some girl at work in 2018 kept bugging me about why my hair was short. I finally said "why are you askig" and it was great seeing stammer and try fo stut out an answer

When my parents told my grandma they were having .me my grandma said "why? You already have a boy and a girl". And my mom said "we werent looking for a matching set."

Why is page 19 showing but with no posts?

I called the off hours nurses line at the hospital. She said she is pretty sure its ok to use the stuff but she wanted my doctors office to know..

Then My CC got messed up becauase I backed out of a transaction and it froze my card. I never talk to customer service reps on the phone. But I did fine. A lot better then my mom who gets pissed at them. But I got it straigtened out.

Not sure what else I did today. I woke up around 5 to check the ok med list and then I fell back asleep until 10 i woke up coughing again. I took a shower and that was about it..

Today is the first day in about a month that I finally feel like me again. I was able to go outside and play with my dogs for a little bit and finally cleaned my kitchen. I am still exhausted, but my wife came home from work early (she works 3rds) and let me sleep in. We got a puppy about 4 months ago and I get up with him in the morning usually, so it was a nice break from that routine. I was out late night at my best friends house where we baked cookies and just talked, and honestly, I think that is what helped the most getting out of my depression. I am a big "speak it into existence" girl, so the rest of the day is going to be a great day. I feel like I deserve a great day after the pit I was in.

It’s the first day of SPRING here

Today was an okay day - got up super early and got to mass in time for the rosary before it started. My mind kept wandering though. We had a Dominican priest there, my godmother's son, who did the mass, and it was amazing to hear how his order does the mass - some singing, and some in Latin - it was beautiful honestly. Then I went to my Legion of Mary meeting afterwards and gave communion. It was an incredibly morning - I got all dressed up in a nice outfit because it was finally cool enough to do so.

Mom and dad made it home from New York - they are back home safe and sound which I am really grateful for. Hopefully their cat got the food I left for him yesterday.

Been a really quiet afternoon, had a long nap on my couch watching indiana Jones - spoke to my homeless friend in NYC - he is packing up his storage hoping to move in with a friend. I am so grateful for him and I wish he would find a nice stable place soon.

Feeling really good about things, thinking about a shower and laundry, but I might just leave that for the holiday tomorrow - I kind of want to go to an AA meeting tomorrow too, I think work will be really slow since it's a holiday.

Can you have melatonin withdrawels? I know its not addicting but my anxiety sucks and I normally take 20mg a night.

I talked with ChatGPT and it sounded like my therapist so now I'm wondering if I've been getting phoned in generic therapy for 3 years.

I feel like for at least since I’ve been in treatment 95% of therapy is generic therapy.

What do you mean “generic”? Like “How does that make you feel?”?

Wtf is wrong with me. My emotions are out of whack and I feek physically sick.

I want to likw go to Burning Man or contact my therapist from 5 yeara ago or some other shyt.

Edit: My boss for 1.5 years was out of her mind most of the time. And ohe said one time she said "you know how you feel better after a big poop?"

TMI, but she wasn't wrong. Now I can think clearly.

I cleaned today and took a shower. Now in sweatpants and a tshirt. Had a fruit smoothie for dinner that I invented.

Kinda, yeah. Or constantly mindlessly asking questions to make you think you’re thinking deep about answers, but it goes like
“I did (unhealthy thing)”
“That’s understandable in the situation, but what less damaging thing can you do?”
“I mean for the past 20 years I’ve come up with probably thousands of wrong answers to that question. You’re not the first one in this room to ask it like you think you are. Pretty sure I’ve asked myself at least ten times since the last time I talked to you… therapists like you think you’re challenging people to realize there are better ways, but you’re not. You’re just frustrating by being the tenth therapist to make me spend 25 out of the 30 minutes in a session making people go through everything they’ve tried so you don’t think they haven’t already tried doing a million other things that are not totally harmful. How is this helpful? How is me explaining my actions to you so a five year old can understand (because that’s what I have to work with) doing anything for me but taking time and money and oppression to be doing something worthwhile away from me?”

My mood has been pretty good since starting 37.5 mg of seroquel. Some anxiety at night and some mild SI yet, but I've felt mostly stable throughout the day and have been able to play catch up a little bit. I was even able to focus on reading. My brain has felt so much better most of the day that I actually have been bored because I want to do something. Although, if I had social plans, I have a feeling the social anxiety would still be there. I have a desire to self-isolate, but I think part of that is a trauma response because, as lonely as I can get sometimes, I can avoid feeling rejected (I was abandoned by a parent as a kid) if I just keep to myself. I also just struggle SO much in social situations.

I'm looking forward to having tomorrow off. It allowed me to put off some of the work I would have had to do this weekend to tomorrow so I could just relax today. Tomorrow, I need to finish cleaning and complete some school work.

May everyone get a good night's sleep!

I have this migraine nausea thing. I took a couple Tylenol PM. It didn't say not too. And I stress ordered a hat and shirt. I ate a yogurt. Maybe I shoild turn off my music.

There was some story awhile ago about how earbuds affect your brain. Mainly wireless ones. It sounded like paranoid hogwash though.

At the emergency vet with Papi

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@bluebird Hope he's ok! How are you doing? That's a stressful situation.

It oh no! What’s wrong?

Possible urinary blockage, will update later. Currently I’m in uber on th way there

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Fingers crossed it's not too serious and it's something the vet can fix up @Blue_Bird

It has to do with the vagal nerve. You can stop a panic attack by squatting

Do you know if you can be addicted or dependent on Melatonin? I"m still anxous but the nurse told me herself not to take it

I want 20mg so bad and I know it would help my anxiety. While possibly killing me during surgery supposdrely

I was in the dog park with two of my neighbors today, F and R. I've had mixed experiences with both of them separately. Today they talked in front of me about visiting each other in their apartments. It's clear they have become good friends. They probably talk about me, laugh about me. They were so specific about each other's apartment it seemed somewhat like they were talking for my benefit, as if to let me know that they have moved on from friendships with ME to a friendship with each other.

I felt it was very cruel. It was particularly bad timing as just after swearing off men, i made another attempt at online dating. It didn't go well as i can't tolerate the anxiety and i deleted my profile. It was only up for about 20 hours. It was a very depressing reality check and i am feeling desperate about my poor social skills. It seems F and R are getting along famously. Not only did my attempt with R fail miserably, it seems that F is now succeeding where i failed.

I can't help it that when i was young and the other kids were learning social skills i was just trying to survive. Now i'm a senior and it's too late to learn social skills. Everyone is busy and has their quota of friends. No one is interested in a relationship where i am experimenting with trial-and-error and trying to build basic social skills.

So it all seems hopeless at the moment.

You build up a tolerance and I think dependent

Still in the waiting room. They took him back over an hour ago

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