psychosis?!

almost like i become another person ... when i have these mood swings.
i hate it, hate myself.
someone please carry me to my appointment on thurday

The first time I got olanzapine, I was trying to check in to the hospital. At the time I was suffering from realy loud ugly real sounding voices screaming non stop in my head. There was no room at the hospital, but a doctor there gave me olanzapine and the voices stopped within the first hour. That's all I use it for. I don't take it for more than a few days at a time. I haven't needed any for over a year now, but if I'm ever dealing with voices again, ie, psychotic symptoms, I'll be asking for it. Of course it isn't going to be the same for everyone. But it is the only one I've ever had that worked in any way without the weeks long adjusting period. I've met people who are on it all the time for anxiety too.

Weather it is common or not for someone to use it as needed I don't know. I've come to a place personally where I have chosen to regard my own best ideas with as much credence as the "professionals" I've come in contact with. On the one hand, I need their help, and on the other hand, if I throw myself in total trust at their feet, and blithely follow their every recommendation to the letter, I end up as ruined as before but also unrecognizable to my self.

I haven't found much that works better than adapting myself to the realities of my shifting sands, and learning to recognize the unbearable symptoms and respond with emergency measures.

Don't mean to ramble, but yeah, a lot of my ideas are divergent from the main body of (pick a word for it, I can't).

If I'm understanding your particular use of this med, it wouldn't be of much use for me. I use Xanax for anxiety and it works very well and very quick for me. Xanax is a Godsend for calming me down, whether I'm hyper or crying uncontrollably. I don't hear voices, so there is no need in that area. Wonder why my pharmacist recommended it to me last summer I know she was *feeling sorry* for me going in there with med changes, either in dosages or different meds altogether every 2 weeks yet not really seeing any difference in me and was reaching out to me to try to help me find some comfort from my BP. I think she was suggesting it as a mood-stabilizer, not sure anymore.

im afraid to post anymore....
*sigh*
i dont want to be a dissapointment to everyone who tried so hard to get me here to this moment.....
so maybe i should just stop posting?
but *sigh* i stay,
i have meds.... zyprexa...
theyre wearing off a bit at the moment..... they made me feel so sick. and at this very moment i ask myself, ...do i need to take another pill? i am getting a little suspicious.... and bummed...
this is my roller coaster.....and a few of you have hopped on for a ride, ... it never stops though... so you may want to get off while you still can.
i know it takes a lot of energy to support me... so if its too much, please just spare yourself the trouble...
i fear i may be un helpable... but then, i know this is the illness talking and that i should go take my meds... but i dont want to be sick.......
i guess i dont know what im tryin to say...
by the way, zyprexa works great for getting rid of psychosis.....
i just dont even know where to go from here.
not looking for replies, just expressing myself

i checked myself into the psych department for emergency treatment on monday.....

walking in with the help of a friend who talked to me on the phone... just hearing his voice helped me to avoid panic.... everything seemed fake as i entered the building...
as i spoke to the receptionist, it sounded like i was inside a tunnel, and my vision was disturbed, looked like the walls had closed in right next to my body.....
i walked so slow and everyone seemed to be staring at me and their minds were penetrating my pupils...
everyone moved in slow motion and i felt as if they could read my mind.....
i was hearing my name spoken aloud behind me, and when i turned around in fear, nobody was there.....
everytime my eyes moved, i saw a shadow of a person go by at the corner of my eye.....
i sat and sat and waited for the doctor who specialized in bipolar disorder.....
two hours went by... i walked to the snack machine to get a drink.... and people kept staring into my dark pupils trying to damage my brain with their thoughts....
and the sound of it scared me, and i looked down the whole time because if i made eye contact, they would surely gaze into me....
they finally took me in, checked my blood pressure... my pulse was over 140 but i appeared very calm....
inside i only felt numbness and dispair.
the doctor came in and knew my chart info....
he talked to me so nicely and so understanding.....
asked me questions, i have a hard time remembering,
but when he asked the next question... i never thought anyone could know.... he asked if i ever observe myself, like leave my body and watch myself from behind... oh my god, how could he know this... "yes" i answered and tears started to fill my eyes....
and then the next question came.... "do you ever hear your name being said?"
i answered yes and cried........

Are you eating ok? Is the sick feeling worse than the tension inside without the zyprexa? I hope you never forget that feeling you had when your dr asked you questions you thought he couldn't have known. Keep in close touch with the dr, and just hang in.

((((((((((((((((((((((( ccl ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so glad you allowed someone to care for you when you couldn't. i'm soooooooo glad that the dr was kind to you. i'm so glad he understood you.

please tell us, what did he suggest for you? how are you doing? we care..

kd

he gave me zyprexa, he said therapy alone wouldnt make it go away, he said i need medication desperately bad and that im severly bipolar 1.

im going to a psychologist thursday , and also to a psychiatrist same day, to decide on a med.....
the urgent care doc said i could come back to see him on friday....

as far as ahow im doing....
im just so ashamed...
just been isolating myself and i hate it.
i hurt inside, im afraid to face people...
i want to walk around with a paper bag over my head...

the most recent storm was so bad, i am embarrassed because of it. i may have bruised my image and my relationships with everyone... in real life and here...
i feel like i failed i constantly fail... like, i cant even get my kids to school on time they are like 2 hours late, and i feel pathetic cuz the house isnt clean and i spent half my rent money in a manic state...
i need to snap out of it and i cant.
this is all so very humbling.

((((((((((((((((((((((( ccl ))))))))))))))))))))))))) i'm hoping alot for you right now. can you just do what you need to do until tomorrow, as long as it's safe? if you need to face no one, then face no one. do what you need to do for yourself right now until you can get to your appts. if it gets to be too much, go right back to where you went before. this dr is understanding and wanting to help you.

safe wishes to you.

kd

What Kimmy said. Yep.

i know it sounds like schizophrenia, but i assure you it is not....... every single doctor ive seen says it is not schizophrenia....
it is bipolar 1 with psychotic features....

(((((((((((((((((((((cottoncandylocks))))))))))))))))))))))))

LOL, "features" that always cracks me up. For some reason to me the word connotes something positiive like an option on a car, or a side order of fries. I have "features" too, and am bipolar not schizophrenic. I guess that's why this gets described as a chameleon like disorder.

the fear is starting to set in..... cuz it is 2 and 1/2 houurs til my appointment....
(chewing on my finger nails like a starving squirrel eating an acorn)

THURSDAY
_________
went to the psych department and found the very best psychologist i ever hoped for. He is an older white male, just as i wanted and he has a PHD, which was also mandatory for me....
he listens, he cares, he lightens the mood, etc. basically he is a good match.
the psychiatrist was a total idiot.
laughed at me, patronized me, and stripped me bare with all his intrusive questions. no empathy, no people skills basically.
gave me only one option: lithium.
so screw him. i cancelled the future appt with him and decided to return to the doc i saw on monday.

TODAY
_____
i went back to the doc who is knowledeable in bipolar disorder... he is gonna make an exception for me and let me have him as my primary physician.
he also assigned me to a new psychiatrist that he knows, who knows a lot about bipolar and who is a "nice guy"... hopefully he is not black, i was too happy and relieved to even ask. i might have to make an exception to my race rule if this psychiatrist turns out to be right for me.
and anyway, the doc today gave me Klonopin, which is working wonders already, and he said over the weekend he is even gonna research the Lamictil i requested so he knows dosing specs for my body size and type of bipolar... he ordered a bunch of labs to test all my internal systems, since he also does internal medicine... (whatever that is)
and he is having me come back Monday to pick up the Lamictil and to pick up the FMLA form he is filling out for me so i can protect my job, and still take intermittent leave.
im thrilled....
and i just wanted to share some of my happiness for once.
i have hope...
i feel safe and cared for....
finally!
something i havent felt in so long i cant even remember......

I'm so glad things are turning for you. I mean, I'm freakin jumpin up and down for you. Just to hear you speaking from within your own skin without verging on the abyss is a nectar of it's own. Whoever thought of a site like this, where we can know, help, and rejoice for eachother like this, deserves a nobel prize.

((((((((((((CCL))))))))))) I'm so glad things are working out so well for you!

I'm glad that things are working out for you, cotton.

I'm glad you are starting to get the help you need and are feeling a little more positive about things. Keep up the good work sweetie. You're certainly on the right path to feeling better.

the klonopin works really well....
and i just started Lamictal today...
so i haope i get better.
then maybe get a man, get a new job, get my education, and get my finances back in order

wishful thinking is what that was cottoncandy! you are useless, and hopeless!
too difficult to medicate, too difficult to manage.... no man would ever want you cottoncandylocks, except for a quick %#@&#! in a bathroom stall.
give up!
pull the trigger!
throw in the towel, cuz this mess is way too big to clean up with a towel anyway........

woah! i have said too much

i just want to get better.

your failed attempt at diagnosing me offends me.....
you only know what you have read in my posts... and you and i butted heads over this in the public chatroom once where you said i am not bipolar, i am schizophrenic....
do you know?
you only think you know.

i only reveal my true self to people who appear of pure intention.... no offense.

CCL please forgive intrusion, Fury if your trying to dx ppl please remember CCL has been here awhile longer and since your so young your elders may know more