[penny1010]

I really need some help everyone. Today is the one year anniversary of my sister's suicide. She too was bi-polar and in the throes of mania, she shot herself. I've been aware of this day approaching and thought I pretty much had everything under control, but I've been caught off guard with how sick and sad my heart feels. I'm depressed. I'm angry. I'm hurting. I'm confused. I'm having a hard time focusing here at work. I don't want to be around people, but I can't leave. Right now, everything else (like work, other peoples problems, the rest of my life) seems so irrelevant in light of my feelings about my sister right now. What do I do? How do I continue in my daily schedule when all I want to do is scream, or crawl under a rock or just do absolutely nothing at all except stare at the floor. I feel very lost right now and overwhelmed by emotions. I want to cry so badly and yet I can't. What the hell is wrong with me that I can't even cry for my own sister...my own flesh and blood who in her torment saw no other way out except to kill herself. All of this is more than I can handle in this moment. I'm fighting just to breathe...

[sqrlb8]

Penny it's just hard, there aren't really any why's about it that i can tell. Grief is what it is, and it takes many forms over lots of time. Anniversaries you can count on. With time, eventually the memories become less attached to your suface nerves, (just to make up a term). Trying to stop it makes it worse, i've found that for myself to be true. Letting it flow was never as bad as I was afraid it would be. Ironically in the depths of it i found an ecstacy of sorts too. I'll never be able to put that one quite into words i'm afraid, but niether will i forget it. I get afraid to cry tho too. The fear is it will never end.

AS for being more than you can handle at the moment, it very well may be. If the answer is yes then simply absent yourself from work for the day as you would for any other medical condition rendering you as incapable. It isn't nothing. At a point, it will come regardless.

I'm sorry for your pain. I'm bp, my siblings, my mom too, my brother has attempted many times, and the threat alone is haunting. But this kind of pain is only possible because of love. And you wouldn't not love.

Take reeeeeeeaaaaaaal goooooooooood care of your self, you are the most important one. Sounds like you should go home.

Penny - I belong to an on-line support group for people who lost a loved one to suicide. I am going to send you a private message with more information about it.

Have you ever been to a support group meeting in your area? I have and it was really helpful to meet other people face to face who have experienced this sort of loss. If you'd like I can try to locate a meeting group for you.

Take care.

emmy

[penny1010]

Thank you emmy, I think it would be a good idea for me to get some help because apparently I'm not doing as well as I thought I was. I really appreciate it. Penny.

[penny1010]

Thanks Sqrl, I'm gonna see what I can do about getting out of here because this just isn't working for me. Penny

[sqrlb8]

Right on, go home.

[TgrsPurr]

Okay, first...deep breath in and now exhale, again, deep breath in and now exhale. Now sweetie, I want you to know that I feel for you so deeply right now. Your feelings...all of them...are completely understandable. And perhaps you can't cry because your *psyche* is working overtime right now to protect you from the intensity of the pain that must be dwelling inside you. It's obvious you love your sister very much (and I say that intentionally in the present tense because it never goes away just because the person is gone).

It's funny how the things we least expect bring us to our knees. Like you said, it's not like you didn't know this anniversary was approaching...you thought you were prepared...BAM!!! you get knocked on your *** wondering "what the f@%*? How did that happen?" It's okay girl, you reached out for help and you're gonna get it. I'm proud of you, I'm sure that wasn't easy. I do hope that you get to go home early and have some peace. Do you have some close friends you can call on? Might I also suggest that you connect with people who actually knew your sister....helps with the relatability factor. Very important. But even if we are all you have....know that I'm here for you and you can always PM me if you need to discuss more privately. Hang in there kiddo. TgrsPurr.

Penny, I am so very sorry to hear that you are having to go through this. I lost someone close to me not too long ago and the only word I can use to describe is hell... pure hell. I found that sqrl is on the right track. Everytime I fought the pain, it always managed to erupt like a twisted volcano. Letting the pain flow may bot be the thing for you, but it's something to think about. My hugs, thoughts and prayers are with you if it's ok.

ryan

[TgrsPurr]

Hello Penny Lane.....are you doing okay? If you see this, please respond just so we know how you are. I'm thinking of you. Hugs sweetie. TgrsPurr.

[TheCheshireCat]

Hullo Penny,
I think some emotions are so enormous, so titanic that we don't have the vocabulary or even the physical means to express them. Based on my experience, even crying hysterically, screaming, breaking things around my apartment, or crawling under the covers as if you're ready for the sepulchre yourself can't adequately express the degree that the kettle has come to the boil in your skull. I agree with sqrlb8: I'd just say you feel terribly ill and take the rest of the day and perhaps a few more off. If the tears do come, even in great heaving sobs, by all means let them. If they don't now, they will eventually, and only the cruelest of the cruel would judge you harshly even if this happened at work.

Whatever you do, don't berate yourself. You've survived a terrible trauma. Having been on the other side of this emotional coin -- an attempted suicide saved by the NYC EMS -- I can't help but feel pangs of guilt for people like you that I'd have left in similar shape.

If at all possible, as others have suggested, I wouldn't try to navigate these waters on your own, alone. I can almost palpably feel the ache of an empty space in your words. Please look for oarsmen and oarswomen to steer you through these treacherous currents. I'm betting that if you just started to tell someone, on the phone or better still face to face, the bottled-up emotions would begin to spill and some of this terrible pressure would ease.

If I can be of any help, online though I am, don't hesitate to PM. I can't guarantee a timely response, though, because of the neurological injuries from my car wreck. But I guarantee I will respond. I've gotten the feeling that a friendship (mutual) and at least some trust on your part is developing via our PMs.

But I really think this is a situation that calls for a flesh-and-blood hug from someone in your life. Maybe an all-night conversation. Maybe you could start in some positive way, such as a story about the best time you and your sister ever had together, or the time one of you made the other laugh the hardest. Right now, I know this sounds ridiculous, but if eventually you can sort the gems from the burning coals, and keep those gems of memory polished and bright, they'll help at least a little through dark times such as this.

I can't emphasize enough: Please let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to offer you additional support. I've really grown to enjoy your letters and learning about who you are and the paths you've traveled.

Take care, luv. Cheshire Cat

[penny1010]

Ryan, hugs, thoughts and prayers are definately welcome. Thank you.

[penny1010]

Well, in all honesty...I'm not doing very well at all...but I haven't done anything stupid and that's a real plus for me. I'm Queen of Stupid Things during these particularly bad times, so I guess thats progress.

[penny1010]

Thanks sooo much Cat, I'm gonna PM you before I sign off. Too much personal to say here.

Hi Sweety. Were you able to reach anyone regarding that support group? I hope so. BIG hugs!

Your pal, emmy

[penny1010]

Hi Em, I'm going to my first support group tonight. I'm nervous...mostly because I just don't know how I'm going to handle it. Bad weekend. Bad morning so far. At work...not sure I should be here, but don't feel I have a choice. My insides are all screwed up. This anxiety is killing me. My heart aches so bad I want to die. The pain of it all is crushing me alive. It's almost as if I'm being buried alive. If I don't get some help, the torment will kill me. Oh dear God, have mercy on my soul....

Yes, it will probably be nerve wracking to walk in that first night. I remember it! But, the group will help you handle whatever reaction you have. They've seen and experienced it all...really. Crying and yelling and silence and anger and sobbing are all allowed. Everyone there knows ALL those feelings. My first night I just cried, don't think I spoke a word. I was just soooo relieved to finally meet others like me.

Just know that every group is a bit different, and the leaders are most likely not professionals. They are probably survivors just like you and me. They all know the heartache of this loss, and the why? why? why? Bring kleenex, sit next to the leader or any warm face. Try to talk to anyone as soon as you get there to break the ice, and tell them you are new. They'll help you.

Seriously, in my whole life I never met kinder people ever than those I've met at these support groups. They've been to hell, each one, and lived to tell the story, and to help the next person make it through.

Warm hugs to my pal , emmy

[penny1010]

Okay, I'm leaving in a few minutes to go to this support group. My hands are sweating, my heart is racing, my head is swimming....yup, I'm off to a great start! God I hope I can handle this....

Hi sweetie....well? Ya know, if you decided not to go, or it went lousy, you can tell us that too! I've sat in my car outside AA meetings many times without going in! I'm quite familar with that scene!

But...I hope it did go well! Let us know how you are doing.

Your pal, emmy

[penny1010]

Hey em, I did go, lots happened. Will write in detail a little later when I have the time. At work now and very busy. But wanted to check in and let you know I did go.

thank you sooo much for caring. It means a lot to me.
Penny

[penny1010]

Okay, so I went to this SOS group last night. Survivors of Suicide. What follows was my first impression....I got there early because I went straight from work. When I walked in an elderly man and a not quite as elderly woman were sitting talking with one another. I asked if I was in the right place and the woman told me yes and asked me to sign in, told me that the chairs in a circle were where we are to be seated. These two went about having a very casual conversation away from the circle. About 10 minutes later, I'm sitting in this circle by myself, they are still engaged in there idle chit chat about how to use mapquest etc..and the gentleman brings up a conversation about what exactly is a psychiatic nurse and I quote, he says "I guess she's a regular RN, but switched over to the crazies." Well, unable to resist the temptation of this moment...I turned around and said, "Oh, I've been to a psychiatric nurse, she was able to diagnose me and prescribe medication. She was really quite good." His reply, "oh". I turned back around in my seat and sat there for another 10 minutes before they came over, introduced themselves and sat down in the circle. My thoughts at that point...well, nevermind that. So at exactly 6:00pm several people showed up much to my relief, because I didn't want to be the only one with these two rather inhospitable people. The woman introduces herself to the group, explains that she is a hospice counselor (the meeting was being held at a hospice center)and asks that we go around the circle introducing ourselves, who we know that committed suicide and how long ago. The elderly gentleman whom she was chatting it up with earlier, awkwardly still removing his foot from his mouth, introduces himself as a hospice counselor and while he doesn't know anyone who committed suicide, his wife died of cancer a few years ago?!?!??? And around the room we go. All of this my first impression.

The group proceeds and people begin to open up about the most heart wrenching experiences I've ever heard. One woman, 5 months pregnant...her husband killed himself this past Christmas Day! The couple to my right, had been raising their grandson as their own child...killed himself last month at the tender age of 17! Another woman showed about about 1/2 hour late shared that her son had committed suicide last year, but 2 weeks ago her niece killed herself with an accidental drug overdose!
These people KNEW my pain. Understood how overwhelmed with grief I felt. We all cried together, laughed together, shared memories. It was so touching, so moving and I think very healing. I didn't share very much at all, just listened intently, absorbed what was taking place around me and allowed the couple who'd just lost their grandson to do most of the talking and receive most of the counseling just because the reality of it all was still so shocking and raw for them. The female hospice counselor was really quite good. Knowledgeable about the effects of suicide on survivors, the importance of talking about it all to coax the healing process, understood that the outside world is very unreceptive to talking about suicide and the stigma that exists for those affected by it. She asked good questions and was very compassionate. The elderly gentleman just sat there the whole time.
I left with a whopper of a headache. Came home and went straight to bed. I was drained. I was exhausted. I had a little more peace than I had before the meeting. Today I'm still sad, I'm still depressed, I'm still overwhelmed. But I'm better than I was the day before and thats progress.

My final first impression...it's a good group. I'll keep going back at least for a while with an open mind, an open heart and a willingness to learn, grow and heal.

Thanks Em! Without you, I'd never have found this support group. You're an angel.

Penny

I'm soooo glad the group worked out well for you!!

I'm guessing that maybe the male hospice guy was supposed to be a co-facilitator. He sounds like a real goober. Feel free to tell the one who is good how he referred to people as "crazies". That's totally unexceptable. Even behind closed doors a health care professional should know better than that! Grrrr...

Ok, well, other than him - it sounds good. Yes, the stories are heart wrenching. What I was always amazed at was when two people have similar stories and they are so in shock to meet each other. It's highly cathartic for them, and healing for the whole group to witness.

Just listening to the stories, difficult as it is, is a form of healing, I think. Because we do it together, knowing we have each other to lean on. And we know that talking is healing, so when we listen we are helping. It's this feeling of being in it together. We have to harden ourselves so much to the outside world, to get through a death by suicide. (So much stigma, misunderstanding, ignorance, and fear is out there. ) But to each other, to other survivors, we can still offer our tender side.

Hugs, and congratulations on your first meeting!

emmy

[penny1010]

Thanks for all your input Em, you're helping me more than you know. I'm still struggling today, but my spirits seem to be improved a bit. All I want to do is sleep though, and that's not like me. I've become kinda withdrawn and quiet, which is also not like me. Not sure what to make of all this, how long is this gonna go on, do I need meds, is this whole thing gonna send me into a tailspin bp cycle. So many questions, so few answers. Ahhh, such is life.

So how are you Em? Anything I can encourage you with? I'm here for ya.

Penny

[sqrlb8]

This thread is a perfect example of what we can accomplish together. Brings tears to my sqrl eyes.

[TgrsPurr]

Sqrl, as usual, you are right on! I couldn't agree more. Penny, you're doing great. Hang in there. But if you start to decline, maybe you should consider the med route. Keep us posted on how you are. I care about you very much. TgrsPurr.

Well, now that we have you held captive here ...I need to make yet another suggestion.

I'd like you to start thinking about finding a therapist. Generally if someone dies in a way where we have some notification...old age, declining health, etc. therapy is not necessarily needed. Death of course is part of the cycle of life. Buuuuut, with sudden death, or any kind of traumatic loss, or complicated grief (the kind typically unsupported by the general public, e.g. AIDS, suicide, gay spouse, etc.) seeing a therapist is imo, mandatory. Please ask around at the group, and find a PhD, or PsyD to get into treatment with, OK? It really will assist with the healing process.

Actually, I just got home from seeing mine. I'd share, but I'm WAY selfish!

Hugs, emmy