[vacantangel]

My emotions are being pulled in a million directions. Why do I always have to deal with several situations at the same time....pulling at me....all different directions....i'm in a state of panic......and anger....why can't life be easy for a change?......is that so wrong to want.....i took several XANAX.....i want to pass out .... I'm not coping ...... don't worry, it wasn't enough to cause harm, just sleep so i can turn off my mind ..... i want my t, i want my t, i want my t, I NEED my T, I NEED CAT!!! ....when will all this XANAX kick in .....i want to pass out .... please work, hurry up and please work ....i can't handle this anymore ..... i just want to pass out NOW!!! ....dang pills are taking forever, although i know it hasn't been enough time yet .....one more day, i see my T tomorrow, .....not a moment too soon.....ok, i'm getting very light-headed now.....i need to put sarah on my stereo while i can still walk without falling over....sarah always calms me.....so does cat but he has to go to work.....dang, I HATE ALL THESE MIXED EMOTIONS ALL AT THE SAME TIME, i'm being pulled in so many directions....i'm sitting here rocking back and forth,.....that always makes me feel better.... dang CAT, do you know what you signed on for with me.....i'm as crazy as they come.....please, i want to pass out now.....i want my T, i want Cat to hold me in his arms......please somebody make all this XANAX kick in fast.... I can't do this on my own....why are we given too much to handle??????....anger,.....anxiety.....love....I'm not used to love.....it's been so long. .....it happened so fast.....i need you cat.....i need to pass out....pls god give me strength to not involve myself in what angers me.....i rock, and i rock....i have a headache.....i didnt get all my meds in yesterday cuz i went to sleep early last night, i was exhausted.....xanax work NOW PLEASE.....i want to pass out NOW.....y is it taking so long this time....i took extras to ensure passing out......i need my t.....i need my cat..... ....my head is now starting to swim.....must chg my cd to sarah now b4 i'm too unstable to do it.....currently listening to john lennon.....but sarah is my companion when i dont do well.....pills work, pills work, work NOw....GOD I'm such a loser . .... i can't deal with life.... i have a headache now....but pills are kicking in....work faster....make me pass out....i need cat to just hold me.....i need my t, i need my t.....only 1 more freaking day til i see her....1 very long day....i need cat...i'm passing out...gotta sarah on in time....talk at y'all later, hopefully when the xanax wears off i'll feel better....if not, then i'll take more xanax....i need cat. my head is swimming now....i cant see what i'm typing....laters....hopefully much later................

[cocoa]

YOUR NOT A LOSER

(((((((((((((((((( angel girl )))))))))))))))))

I KNOW ITS HARD BUT KEEP YOUR HEAD UP AND FIGHT TO BE BETTER.
GOOD LUCK

JACQUI

[kimmydawn]

((((((((((((((((((((( angel girl )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

i'm sorry you're having such a hard time. i hope you're well. is there any chance of calling t today? if so, i think maybe you should?

let us know and be safe,

kd

[TheCheshireCat]

Hullo luv,
I wish I could take you in my arms right now myself and help you through this. I only just finished with a morning meeting and a lengthy phone interview for an article I'm writing, so I didn't see this until now. Bloody stupid geography -- if only we weren't so far apart. And yes, Angel, I know exactly what I've "signed on" for; we have the same diagnosis, so I've no doubt the shoe will be on the other foot and I'll be reaching out to you at times too. Please please please be careful with that Xanax. I understand from personal experience how desperately you need to shut off the anxiety immediately. But be careful not to keep adding pills, thinking, "If I just take a little more ... " By tomorrow your T will be back and I hope she'll be able to bring this under control. I know a day can seem like a decade under these conditions, but just try to hang on. E-mail me. PM me. Let me know if there's anything I can do to help. Hang on, and remember I'm here, and think about how deeply I care about you. Cheshire Cat

[vacantangel]

Well, my mom phoned me and woke me up...damn...I didn't want to wake up so early....still highly stressed....took more Xanax.... I wan't to pass out again.....I can't handle all this anxiety....I'm self-medicating with extra Xanax so that I don't have to deal with it......I just want to sleep until I see my T tomorrow.....I just can't deal with this....it's way too much....damn phone.....I'm not going to answer it again.....I think I'll turn the ringer off when I pass out this time so nobody can wake me....damn, I'm getting another headache....i want my T, i want my T, i want my T.....why is this day taking so long to get through....not eating at all, can't even think about food ....just taking my meds.....and extra Xanax...that's the only way i can deal with this anxiety....i just want to sleep until tomorrow....i see my gp on friday too.....i will also talk with him.....I f'ng HATE this...damn Xanax is taking so long to work again....geez, it used to be fast but not today.....i'm just so majorly stressed and i can't handle it....might have to take a cab to my t.....don't think i can drive like this......i want my t, i want my t, i want my t.....i want to pass out, i want to pass out, i want to pass out....why aren't these pills working...f'ng pills work work work.....maybe i should take more....i didnt take as many as last time.....i'm taking more now....i'm not overdosing so don't worry about that....i just cant deal with this at all....i'm going to take more now.....not sure when i'll be back......cat, dont phone me.....i need my t....i need my t....i need my t....damn this anxiety. leaving now, taking more xanax first....laters alligators.....luv you cat

[vacantangel]

well I knew I should've turned the ringer off my phone, my mom called again and woke me up...damn damn damn...i just took my meds and more xanax but i think i'll take more....i'm shaking....i cant handle this...listening to sarah....she helps me feel calmer....real loud, has to be loud....why isnt all this extra xanax working??? i havent even eaten a thing today, shouldn't that make these meds have more of an effect than if i had? can't even think about food....waiting for tomorrow....11:00am for my t...i have so much anxiety....i cant handle this at all....maybe if i also take some sleeping pills ....or extra klonopin....yea, i think i'll do that.....my heart is about to jump out of my chest....i want to pass out....until tomorrow...why isn't it doing that for me....damn phone...i'm going now to take more xanax and klonopin....maybe that will help....god i hate feeling like this.... cat don't worry about me...i'll be ok...eventually...going to take more pills and turn up sarah now

[Sabrina_saw]

AG - I hate that this must happen to you. Please don't overdo the meds. Ok? Sleep is good for you right now, I know, but just be careful with the meds.

I HATE anxiety, especially when it rears its ugly, nasty head for absolutely no reason.

Please take care of you. We don't want Cat pulling his whiskers out. He needs them to tickle your fancy.

Sending peaceful, uncluttered thoughts your way.

Enjoy Sarah. I'm a Sarah girl too, only mine is Brightman not McLachlan.

(((Angel Girl)))

[vacantangel]

Hi Sabrina

I'm afraid I've gone from anxious to being the most depressed I've ever been... I'm sorry if I'm disappointing you.

[Sabrina_saw]

You are NOT disappointing me. I just feel helpless. I really wish there was something I could do.

[TgrsPurr]

Angel Girl, I'm so sorry that you're going through such a tough time right now. Bi-polar can be so mean and treachorous. You're doing the right thing by letting it all out here and getting some support. From what I can tell from posts all over this site, you are well liked, cared about and concerned for. I know how hard it is at a time like this to see the positive or any good at all, but you've got to try. It's so important to be doing good and healthy things for yourself at times like this, regardless of how you feel. Take a bubble bath, light some candles. Try to find someplace beautiful you can go to like the mountains, or the ocean, a river, the forest. Don't spend too much alone...that just makes things worse. Do you have any hobbies? I like to watch movies, sometimes when I'm in the place you're in it helps to escape into a good movie...live vicariously through the movie characters for a little while. It helps to step outside yourself for a little bit and just take a break.
I hope this helps some. I know we're not here to fix you, but I feel your pain and torment and just so desperately want to help you out of it. Know that you're not alone and you will get through this eventually.

And please, please be careful with those meds. Sometimes they can add to the depression and make things go from bad to worse.
I'll be thinking of you. TgrsPurr.

[vacantangel]

TgrsPurr

Thanks for your very kind words. I'm doing a lot better now but still depressed. I hate that intense feeling of anxiety when you feel like your mind is going to explode. As you can see I don't really handle it well. I know meds shouldn't be the first thing to do but I've never been able to get anything else to work for me. I've tried relaxation techniques, deep breathing and distraction, all to no avail. I did end up taking a lot of Xanax. The whole bottle actually. Now, I'm just depressed but I can feel it lifting, so that's good. All this rapid cycling is so hard. It takes so much out of you that you feel completely drained afterwards. I'm still listening to Sarah. She's my companion when I'm not in a good place, which actually seems to be most of the time unfortunately. Hopefully by tomorrow I'll be feeling even better. Thanks again for your very kind words. Hugs sweetie.

[vacantangel]

Why not sweetie?