[little*rhino]

hey..

i don't normally post in this forum.. i usually stick to the psychotherapy forum. i dont like to try to keep track of multiple forums for one thing... but really it's because i haven't really felt like there was anything left for me to say about my bipolar disorder... i'd posted for years about that elsewhere.. not a lot left to say.

but now i've hit a different snag...

bipolar disorder (i have bpII, rapid cycling) has a lot of overlap with bpd... some have been dx'd with both, but it's hard to say sometimes because of that overlap. i know i have some bpd characteristics.. and i now understand just how damn near impossible it is to fix. i feel doomed and hopeless.

i had learned to more or less live with the bpII... even the fact that it means meds for the rest of my life... but this is different. This is finding out the aspects of who you are that drive others nuts and then discovering there really isn't a lot you can do about it. i can see how misaligned my ability to interact is compared to how most people feel and act.... and i feel so bad about it. The pain i feel is intense.

anyways.. i guess there isnt a question in this... just a whine i guess...

[Slothrop]

Sorry you're feeling this way. I agree, bipolar II is tough to work with...you feel as though nothing will fix how you feel, the mood swings, the way it makes you behave...

But it also distorts our perceptions, and sometimes it does not mess up our interaction as much as we think. I often feel completely socially inept. But then how do I get along with people and hold down a job? I really don't know, but apparently I am not doing as badly as I think.

Just keep plugging, I think the treatments are going to keep getting better, the understanding of the underlying causes will get better...there is hope yet.

[bizi]

Joy is the goal of life....
As you guys know I have been trying to deal with my fears of failure.
I have been unable to take CPR due to this fear.
I think I would like to open up a clinic but am afraid to even think about what would be required to do this...I am afraid to get out of this box that I am stuck in........ so I have been reading this wonderful book:
Feel the fear and do it anyway.
by Susan Jeffers, Ph.D.
Great book, first book that I have read in a very long time.
I highly recommend it!

Quote:

....say yes to life. Participate. Move. Act. Read. Write. sign up take a stand. Or do whatever it takes for you. Get involved in the process........"every organism has one and only one central need in life, to fulfill its own potential..." ....Joy is the result of using our powers to the fullest, and for that reason joy, not happiness, is the goal of life.

and what is joy?
It is something that expresses the ebullience of the spiritual part of ourselves. Joy is characterized by lightness, humor, laughter and gaiety.
Lighten up!
If you have ever been around a person who is centered and enlightened you are struck with their humor and ability to laugh at themselves.
....commit,
commit yourself to pushing thru the fear and becoming more than you are at the present moment. The you that could be is absolutely colossal. You don't need to change what you are doing-simply commit to learning how to bring to what ever you do in lfe...the loving and powerful energy of your Higher Self.....

If we do not consciously and consistently focus
on the spiritual part of ourselves,
we will never experience the kind of joy,
satisfaction, safety and connectedness we are all seeking.

beth

[little*rhino]

thanks for responding...

i do feel the fear and do it anyway... that's how i've lived my whole life.. for real. i took up public speaking in high school bc i was/am afraid of it. i pushed myself my whole life... being terrified and doing things anyway... T said that is courage, to do it despite the fear. Great.. i have courage...

but the authors arent correct... not 100% anyways. If people have the underlying structures, internal i mean, then doing things despite the fear will bring great rewards... it helps bridge the gap, overcome the fear by concrete experience. i do recommend it to most people... bc most people really do have the structures underneath... they just have a thick layer of fear over it. So.. yes, by all means.. try it...

but... if you dont have them... then its empty. It means i have gone through life with my head down.. like a football player or a tractor. i have gotten through a lot of stuff.. gotten an education and done a lot of things.... it has served me well... but underneath, i'm as empty as i ever was.

im afraid of myself.. of people.. of nothing. i hurt.. i have anger and pain and a near complete lack of understanding of people around me. i dont know how to relate in any honest, real way. If i relate it is not real... it's whatever projection someone needs.

t says i have the "do it anyway" down pretty well... i just dont have the belief system behind it. The ened result is just cold concrete acheivements... and at this point i am reluctant to put myself through those anymore because it hasnt changed how i feel...

im not putting down the suggestion bizi... its a good one, please do try it.. and i hope you have what you need underneath. i havent met anyone else yet who has the problem underneath that i seem to have... meaning.. i dont know what feelings are what. i have feelings, intense ones... but i dont know what each one is.. i recently learned that what i was feeling in some situations was "hurt." i know happy and i know afraid... there are some i know.. and lots i dont... i am hopeless with subtle differences in emotion. Maybe thats it.. maybe thats why the whole thing doesnt work for me.

idk

[madisgram]

i'm not sure but it sounds like you are not looking at your accomplishments and acknowledging them as part of you. i understand and can relate to some of your feelings of "I don't know" and i found that therapy untangled so much for me. there was so much of what i called life that i didn't understand. sometimes i'd try to interact in life but found myself doing the opposite of healthy. as a result, i'd even write down exactly what my T said to say in certain situations. i guess this sounds whacky to some people but for me it was real. i didn't do life well, is what i'd say. i had an excellent T. he helped me with a lot of life tools.

[bizi]

If we do not consciously and consistently focus
on the spiritual part of ourselves,
we will never experience the kind of joy,
satisfaction, safety and connectedness we are all seeking.


how do we do this?
beth

[serenity2be]

i am of asian origin, raised in the mideast and currently live in north america. so what i am saying is that yes, i am faced by loads of challenges out here (or i wouldn't be here) and guess what, we all have some kind of stuff going on... even when we are happiest, it's a state of mind and we will experience the 'down' soon enough or normal state and for me looking spiritually means realizing that we are each teensy lil parts of the big picture. AND THATS SUPPOSED TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER which is almost reverse psychology, minimise your feelings so that you maximise what is out there and in turn, what can bring you happiness: volunteer, play or groom a pet, mentor a teen, teach a recipe (even from a cookbook) build a sandcastle i.e. it's the CONSTANT ACTIONS THAT we do that lead towards CONTENTMENT that mean more than the actual arrival at our destinations, the pot of gold. consistent (even plot a day of joy as i have started in my diary so i know what i will be doing, it's like treating yourself! today i conditioned my hair, groomed my pom, cooked a persian dish, listened to a friend recount her struggles getting her book published and attended a meeting as a volunteer for a non profit - besides the job!) YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND THAT YOU CAN COUNT ON YOURSELF FOR HAPPINESS, not in highs and lows but in consistent shots, like vitamins, dose yourself on good moments even a spell of silence counts, thank the Higher One for each one of your limbs! You're being good to your spirit and learning to count on you not external stimulus for self worth. Good luck. Lil steps .... we'll get there, lets make the journey worthwhile that the destination doesn't even count. Heck, you might even find folks getting attracted to your air of contentment... rare in this age.

[madisgram]

Originally Posted by bizi

If we do not consciously and consistently focus
on the spiritual part of ourselves,
we will never experience the kind of joy,
satisfaction, safety and connectedness we are all seeking.


how do we do this?
beth

seems like we've got a 3 way going here. liked your last post.
well for me it took some hell to get there. i'm a recovering alcoholic, one of a few diagnoses, and attend a 12 step recovery program. i often say i'm grateful for becoming an alcoholic because in order to stay sober i had to learn the spiritual part of the program...which any person can benefit from whether they are alcoholic or not. it's about learning to be spiritual. i learned that there was a higher power,whom i choose to call God, that intervened in my life when i was hopeless and helpless to go on. my way hadn't worked. by this miracle i finally understood that there was really something spiritual gong on in my life. something i couldn't see but was there with me always. it was not the church kind of spiritual. it was far more wonderful. ii felt enveloped with love and caring.
so what do i do to maintain a level of spirituality? i pray. i am grateful for all that i have or don't have. be careful for what you pray for..you might get it. i daily remind myself that i am not the center of the universe. that demanding my will be done is not going to keep me healthy. i have learned to trust in something greater than myself. i am never alone. i am a child of God and he loves me. my responsibilities are many but to name a few...help the other guy...try to maintain a level of humility...when i'm wrong, promptly admit it to the person i have harmed..be honest with self and others, take a daily inventory of myself and review how i acted to myself and others, take responsibility for my faults and strive to improve myself...
i could go on.. but i hope this is one person's answer to your thoughtful question.
what i have received in return is beyond my comprehension sometimes. i have a happy heart. i say, i'm happy, joyous and free! that has been the end result of my journey to learn.

[cybermember]

Originally Posted by Candika

thanks for responding...

i havent met anyone else yet who has the problem underneath that i seem to have... meaning.. i dont know what feelings are what. i have feelings, intense ones... but i dont know what each one is.. i recently learned that what i was feeling in some situations was "hurt." i know happy and i know afraid... there are some i know.. and lots i dont... i am hopeless with subtle differences in emotion. Maybe thats it.. maybe thats why the whole thing doesnt work for me.

idk

I think I can relate to what you are saying here. I can't say I know all my feelings at this point, but am learning and learning to put words to them. I'd suggest journaling your thoughts/feelings so that when you see your therapist, you can bounce your thoughts off of her and she could give you some feedback in what you're trying to say or how your feeling. I've learned some key emotions through this process. Perhaps it could benefit you as it has for me.

[little*rhino]

im not religious. i dont believe in a higher anyone or anything. Please refrain from that sort of talk as it is highly triggering - especially talk of god or churches, etc. There is a spirituality forum for that. If you wish to send nontheistic blessings then they are humbly accepted with gratitude. I wish you well in your own journey. edit: i dont mean that to sound mean or cold... just self-care

bizi, you know i love you to bits... i know you understand babe.. weve been around this block for a long time.

cyber, ty for understanding and actually listening to what i said. That's what support is about, listening... i used to journal more than i do now. It got too intense.

i came to seek compassion bc i have come to face the fact that some of my obstacles are there for the long haul... not possible to change them any more than a person can grow a leg if they were born without one... i looked into that pool that is deep within and i saw how there are parts that canot be healed or changed. It is what i am despite my sadness for that. One cannot change one's chemical make-up entirely.

my T is a good man... but there is a gap right now... and i havent even told him yet. i dont see any point in it as i know it cannot be closed. i know it. He stands firm on an issue and i cannot agree with him... there is no middle ground. That creates a break in the alliance.

[bizi]

I am sorry for triggering you my dear.
I am not a religious person and still know that I must, simply must tape into my spirit inorder to heal, my higher self, some call it the inner child.
I am all new to this.
sorry again if I triggered you.
I wish you peace on your path.
I keep telling myself that This is a new path for me.
I am back in therapy again....wish me luck on my path as well.
beth

[little*rhino]

oh no bethy... i didn't mean you... it was the way the thread was going... didn't mean any one person really... more the culmination of god-stuff. i should have been more specific but i had a hard time staying focused once triggered.

Thats why i took the time to tell you how i value you and how long we've known each other... bc you didn't bother me.

we k?

[radmaker3]

I read your initial post, and through this thread. I have nothing to offer other than digital support I suppose. Nothing jumped out at me like oh hey this will help, because I don't think that's what you were asking for. Mental illness is tough, it's not easy to live with. That I can relate to, and if that's part of what you were saying then I can agree with you. Some days are better than others, so I hope better days lie ahead for you.

[Liberada]

Candika I hope there is a little sun shining in your world today

[skymonk]

Boy can I relate to a lot of what you've been staying about your current state of mind. It's kind if where I'm at right now too. I don't have any advice to give because I can't work out these same problems that I'm having either. Are yu currently on meds&have a t? Why no spiritual belief? Just not your thing or have you had negative experiences? I'm in a "New Thought" church called Unity that's been a real boon to me since I joined in July&I'm starting to really feel a sense of community&a real push for self improvement-they focus on this.
Just keepon keepin' on-best wishes&hugs