[chicken_wing]

So I am not actually a parent. I resolved some years ago not to have children, though I have at least 10 more possible childbearing years ahead of me.

I made my decisions for various reasons, one of which being that I would not be a good parent. I have messed up relationships, including a marriage, due to my emotional issues. I feel that I would do the same to my children. I feel that I couldn't love them enough if that makes sense? I have felt that I have never loved anyone constantly. I fear that I would screw my children up by not being able to meet their emotional needs and putting them through drama as well.

Do any of you feel that way? For those of you who are parents, does having BPD affect how you are with your children?

[ECHOES]

I didn't even know yet, but when I declared to a friend over dinner that I didn't think I would make a good parent, like you stated in your post, and had decided that I would not have children... I was already on the way. And single.

I am a parent of an adult child. My bpd really did affect the parenting I provided, as it affected the parenting I received. But.. I was not in any kind of treatment until my son was a teen and needed treatment. We both ended up on medication and therapy, although he could not (would not) participate fully in therapy and I was not in helpful therapy (or not ready for therapy) so the help was minimal. Knowing the depth of the issues now, I fully believe that if I had been in therapy during my parenting years and that support and modelling, I could have been a better parent.

Still, what exposure we did have, helped our relationship and every holiday and birthday he writes lovely and meaningful expressions of appreciation for my parenting in his own words. It amazes me often that he doesn't despise me (as I did my mother, pure projection here.)

He still struggles. I still struggle. I think the dysfunction of bpd existed for several generations before me and has been passed down to another generation. I think if I had been in therapy that could have been avoided. Passing down misperceptions and twisted thinking is inevitable, but I think therapy for each of us could have helped us both with that.

Support is good for any parents. Many get that from the close relationships with family and friends, something I didn't have much of because of my inability to form close relationships. But for most of his formative years, we lived in a really friendly and supportive neighborhood and my son had a great bunch of kids to be friends with. That was really good for both of us.

There is also this: when I had another person to look out for, be responsible for, it also gave me something to focus on outside of myself and a tender relationship that I'd never had. Being a mother gave me a sense of purpose and identity. I was good at infant mothering and loved it; it got harder when my son grew and became more complex. Now he is grown and lives far away, and I feel the lack of identity again.

Well, an early morning ramble I guess. I don't know that bpd should preclude a person from being a parent. There is much joy and fun and fulfillment in parenting. Even the best intentioned and non-bpd parents screw up and don't have the advantage of the knowledge we have gained in our treatment and self-exploration.
It is hard, I guess, to write about this with the perspective I have now, that is different than when I was young.

[cluelessgluten]

Chicken wing you alrealdy have a leg up on myself, echoes and a lot of others like us. You already know what's wrong and can get help before during and after you raise a child. One of my biggest fears is That my youngest will be like me. He already shows some signs. Although I will say when I am having a bad day he asks me if I am alright or when I am freaking out he tells me to calm down. I hate being like that in front of him already so he does help me calm down some. I want him to be better than me so I tell him to calm down when he is freaking out. I ask him if he likes it when dad does it he says no. Sometimes I get through other times he can b just as hard headed as his dad. But I am glad he is there and I believe we can help each other to be better people. My children are my focus. The give me cause to want to be a stronger man. I want to raise respectable young men so in turn it makes me want to be better so as to set a good example for them. Not always successful but now that I Have identified that there is a problem I can work on being better for them. So I don't see any reason why you couldn't be a successful parent especially since you already know. Good luck either way. I wish You well.

[bpd2]

Echoes, I am amazed! It must feel so great to have this relationship with your son now! You must have worked so hard!

I was married 7 years before I had my first daughter. I had to make as sure as I could that our marriage would last.

I did not believe I could be a good enough parent on my own.

Also, when we did decide to have children, we also decided to move back to the same state our families live in....I think we both knew we would need a lot help--and I knew my kids would need my parents (not so sure about his!). I have the only grandchildren, and my parents love them dearly......I always think they love them better than me. And I often think they still love me because of them.

BPD absolutely affected my parenting, and it absolutely affected me as a parent. I wasn't a very good parent, at all, until they got to be about three. The pre-verbal ages drove me crazy. Everyone helped, everyone got in my way, everyone survived, and we are very happy now. Four years of very intense therapy for me, messy therapy before that, and some therapy with my therapist for the kids and my husband--because it really is true that family-involved therapy for a person with bpd has higher success rates.......................However, and I feel creepy about this, we don't talk about the borderline dx. We talk about it as bipolar. The stigma, still. I still have trouble with it, and the community at large has trouble with it, and I lost my career because of it............So...we're not going there for a few more years (my kids are 11 and 14).

Something else, we've learned: If people have kids, they need a spouse who is an involved spouse...not one who avoids conflicts. That's too weird for the kids, and it feels to them like no one is protecting them. So the borderline individual ends up carrying the emotional weight of the childrenas well as their own--because the spouse is just being calm and serene--and distant.

Being forced to be responsible for my children made a huge difference in my behavior. Not necessarily my thoughts. But huge differences in my behavior. I had to protect them, reassure them, help them, love them. Over time, I loved doing that. I had enormous difficulties over those years--three hospitalizations, debilitating depression, insomnia, all kinds of sleep disorders, eating disorders.....on and on. But, you know, life all by itself carries a lot of that for me. Having kids gave me much more beauty, tenderness, love than I'd had, and it gave me a sense of the future. I never thought I'd live past 30.

[cluelessgluten]

BPD2 I think really are me.LOL. although I had know idea that I had issues. I knew I anger issues but I figured it was just from the Divorce of my parnents. And while that is a factor it is just a small piece of a larger puzzle. Sometimes I wonder if this is learned or if I just learned my behavior from my mom. My p doc says both. My wife has been the one responsible for the kids since I am gone a lot and I have other issues and I don't always handle the kids the right way. Yelling and screaming doesn't always help so like you I Have not been the greatest dad. We have a 11 and 16 year old boys and they are both doing very well in school no thanks to me. My stays on them to do well And always do there best. She even fusses at me when I take classes at college. She has been my strength. If it would be up to me I'm not sure they would be as successful as they are. Im glad you have been successful at becoming a better mom. My mom never got any help and did not believe there was any thing wrong with her. When my dad tried to get her help my grandparents intervened and would not allow it. They were very old fashioned and did not believe in such things which compounded the problem. It was my wife that noticed my behaviors and pointed them out. I may have resisted at first but through therapy I have learned to be honest with my self and have accepted that I have issues. Now I just have to be honest and forth coming with my doctor. So even though I was not the best dad but I am making progress. I still have my days when I loose it.
You know you mentioned the stigma with bpd but there is a stigma with BP too. I hear people talk about a friend who is a text book BP. I can just image what they say about me when I am not there. I know I'm not the greatest dad but it doesn't help when I feel like everyone is judging me. I find it hard to trust anyone. The problem is these folks are supposed to be our (me and wife's)support structure. So this has been a challenge for me to over come. I have a better relationship with in-laws now but still a lot of mistrust of not just in-laws but everyone.

[abaca01]

I am going through a really rough time in my life right now, even worse then usual so excause my negitivity, but I have three children and everyday I wish I would have never had any. I try so hard to not do to them what my mom did to me, and I want them to be normal. I dont think love them the way a parent should love there children. If i could go back I would have never had any. Its not fair to them, I want them to have the best life and I feel like Im just passing on the BPD curse to them. Just my opinion and my life everyone is different.

[bpd mess]

i don't know what to think about this. i can't imagine life without my three boys (ages 9, 10 and just turned 13). although, there are definitely some days i wish they would disappear. i know i'm not the best parent, but i also know i'm not doing any worse than a whole lot of people that don't have bpd. there are no perfect parents, or perfect kids for that matter. after being in therapy for a few years, i can see areas that i'm really influencing my boys in negative ways. now that i'm aware, i'm trying to correct that. i also don't have major outbursts of anger which helps (i turn it all inward). i know i'm rambling, but i love being a mom and i love my kids. sometimes i'm not so sure i really love them, but then i think about how if something were to happen, i would do anything to protect them.

[bpd mess]

Originally Posted by abaca01

I am going through a really rough time in my life right now, even worse then usual so excause my negitivity, but I have three children and everyday I wish I would have never had any. I try so hard to not do to them what my mom did to me, and I want them to be normal. I dont think love them the way a parent should love there children. If i could go back I would have never had any. Its not fair to them, I want them to have the best life and I feel like Im just passing on the BPD curse to them. Just my opinion and my life everyone is different.

(((abaca))) i'm sorry you're going through a rough time. it's hard being a parent and bpd makes it even harder. hang in there.

[bpd2]

I'm sorry you're having a particularly bad time.
We love the way we love, and we do our best and keep trying.
Good days, bad days, good days, bad days, good days, bad days.
We care for our children and the bond we have with them is profound. I don't know how to think about my love for them. I can say that it has changed many, many times and that, finally, it feels like it might be "normal"--and I know that my bonds with them are stronger than the bonds some of my kids' friends have with their parents. I've let myself become the "good enough" mom, and it is good enough, took the pressure off, and there are some fine moments that I'd never have dreamt of.
Keep the faith.

[Korana]

I'm incredibly young for this arena, and I don't have much experience to share, but I have some thoughts.
I mean, there are so many harsh, negative things about having BPD. It often takes over and turns life upside down, but I believe we can be wonderful parents. The sensitivity we typically contain can be used as a beautiful nesting and maternal tool.

I think therapy before conceiving or if it's a surprise, then throughout the pregnancy and early years would be the greatest help to BPD mothers.
A lot of us have similar issues, and I know I still resent my mother for ignoring me all my life and making my hurt and my pain about her.
The advantage you have here is intense emotional experience, you have been through harsh times, and you have learned from that. You can empathize; that is something every mother wants to be able to do.

I don't have my own children, but I take an enormous part in raising my nieces. it is a big responsibility and often stressful. But I breathe and tell myself I won't let them witness intense anger and resentment. I won't ignore them. But I won't be a soft touch. I will make them loved, nurtured. I will be attentive and kind. I will teach, but most importantly listen.

I hope this doesn't sound silly or anything. And I hope you find something in there that will give you a different perspective on this.

Would you ever consider having children?

[chicken_wing]

I don't really know what to say in response. I appreciate everyone's response. I agree that if I were ever to raise children, I would absolutely need a supportive, stable partner to help and to provide the constant emotional needs to children that I may not always be able to give.

[chicken_wing]

Originally Posted by abaca01

I am going through a really rough time in my life right now, even worse then usual so excause my negitivity, but I have three children and everyday I wish I would have never had any. I try so hard to not do to them what my mom did to me, and I want them to be normal. I dont think love them the way a parent should love there children. If i could go back I would have never had any. Its not fair to them, I want them to have the best life and I feel like Im just passing on the BPD curse to them. Just my opinion and my life everyone is different.

Abaca, I am sorry you're going through a rough time in your life. I am convinced that my mother is BPD and narcissistic in which case she definitely passed the BPD to me. But I must say that superficially, the difference I see between my mother and you is your own recognition that you have difficulties and that you're working on them. My mother has always been in denial and chose rather to blame others, including me. Not knowing your children, I think they would recognize you admit to your shortcomings and that you are doing your best to raise them. I think that is love.

I have six children, two then a break of eight years then four ...

I failed my first two I believe because I was not diagnosed and was not receiving any help ie therapy or meds.

With my younger four I am doing well. I have a different hubby who is DID and very supportive I have had therapy and am on meds.

I am a calm mother and can control my outburst to not include them in any way shape or form. They are all doing very well at school and are well rounded children with friends and a happy out look on life in general.

I believe with help you can have children and they can thrive !

[LaraLynn]

So it has been very hard for us because not only do I have BP I and BPD, my husband has BPD my 12 year old daughter has Tourettes, ADD and ODD, my 10 year son has Tourettes, ADD and OCD, my 12 year stepdaughter(that lives with us) has an attachment disorder AND I have a very demanding almost 3 year toddler prone to tantrums. Raising this bunch has been quite interesting to say the least and we can run our own pharmacy. Keeping track of who is going to what appointment when is also an issue. BUT somehow all the big kids have managed to make straight As all this year. My daughter has even gone from being not able to read at the end of 2nd grade due to the severity of her Tourettes to being in all Pre-Ap classes making straight As. The main issues I deal with is my son has really bad anxiety. And my stepdaughter has no real personality - due to the attachment disorder. So she is very flat - and copies my daughter which causes a lot of issues. - Trying to teach my daughter to help her figure out her own likes and dislikes. And my daughter has ODD so we had to put her on meds for that this year because it got pretty bad.

My BP really hurts my ability to take care of my family sometimes, but my husband is great. He steps in when I need him too. Right now I am doing ok. My father died in May and that derailed me both my BPD and BP were just messed up for a long time.

Oh and btw...I had no idea my children had Tourettes. My daughter did not present until she was 6 and my son until he was 7. So up until that time they had no symptoms.

[PleaseHelp]

CW: I decided (with a lot of talk and consideration from my boyfriend and docs) that having my own biological children would probably not be best for me. So I will not be having biological children. That being said - I do have 2 beautiful step-daughters (twin 9 yr olds). They are with us every other weekend, rotating holidays, and summer vacation. It is not easy and I do struggle with it. However, those girls are what make me get up every day and try to be a better person. They give me the strength to change myself and be a better mom to them. I do worry that I may mass on some of the BPD traits to them. But my BF is very good at stepping in and helping out. My own daughter is very perceptive and will ask all the time how my day is going, and can tell if I'm down. At first it was hard on me b/c I was like "oh my she sees this and is trying to be a mom to me, like i was to "my mom"." but now I don't see it like that. She is just concerned. She has opened up to me more about how she feels sad sometimes for no reason and other stuff. I try to give her ideas of how to deal with those feelings from what I have learned.

OK I'm rambling. I think it's up to you and a very personal decision to make. Mine was not based soley on the BPD diagnosis. I do think that when you know you have an issue that it makes you more aware and you work harder to NOT pass it to your children and to be there for them.

[bpd2]

Yes, PleaseHelp! I work hard at being a good mom, apologize when I do or say hurtful or wrong things--even when I yell at other drivers!--talk to them to help them see when what I say or do is parenting, and when what I say or do is the illness.

My kids are really good kids...I don't know what to chalk that up to. I don't even need curfews with them, I never have to ground them............Maybe they are too good, trying to always keep us all safe. I understand well what you say, PleaseHelp, about children who mother the mother....sometimes that happens. And Clueless, I remember you said one of your sons would tell you to chill sometimes; that has happened a few times for me, too. Like you, I've talked about how that doesn't help--and reminded them that I don't talk that way to them, either.

We've learned a script that works pretty well, no matter how simplistic it may sound. "I can see that you feel really bad /that you're really angry. I"m sorry you feel so bad. Anyone would feel that way if X. What could you do instead, though, to tell me how you feel?" We used it a lot when we first learned it--it's a variation of a DBT thing. My therapist helped us with it. We don't use it so much now...we try to do the other thing, or to say we're sorry we handled that that way, that what we wish we'd said/done is this: X."......It seems that we have to become each other's therapists. I don't know, though...maybe this is just a parenting technique? Sometimes therapy for us is re-parenting...

[Uprwestsdr]

Neither my brother or I had children. Our childhood was so awful we didn't want to recreate it. Plus mother was schizophrenic which skips a generation. The odds are too high that one of us will bring another mentally ill child into the world. It was my decision alone and I can report I made the right one.

[Uprwestsdr]

Yes! I decided not to have children and it's one of the best decisions of my life! At least I'm not screwing up kids like my mother (who was paranoid schizophrenic) did me. I think being a parent takes a great deal of patience which I don't have. I'm too self-involved to care for a child. I'm in my early 50's now and have never regretted the decision.

[nicoleb2]

I have BPD and I have two children. An 8 year old girl and a 5 year old boy. I am certainly not a perfect parent, but I am raising two healthy happy kids. We've had our share of ups and downs as I have spent some time in the hospital, and my mom and grandma died within 15 months of each other, but we are doing well now.

[bpd2]

For what it's worth, when I am feeling doomed to be a bad mother and that my children are doomed to coping with me, my psychiatrist--who has met them, talked with them, and sees them about every six months--reminds me that it is a very, very good thing for children to learn that the world is difficult but that it is also full of joy; and he reminds me that he has told them this, that they are resilient--as are most children--and that forgiveness is the most complete within a family. He reminds me, too, that even if they harp on certain incidents that it is because they are working something out, that it is not about me. Certainly it is my job to help them and to be supportive, but it is not useful (hahaha) for me to become upset by the memory. Instead, I should try to understand what it means for them and how we can grow from it by pointing to improvement, new skills we've learned, and their strength in facing it. Our house is full of love and laughter now, even with the horrifying memories. My kids are 11 and 14. It's taken awhile, and we have been extremely lucky to have steady support, and that no one gave up. I don't work any more, which was a huge decision, and has been very scary--especially now, in this economy--but it was quite clear that I could not manage the chaos of my emotions (which I hid and brought home, of course, for as long as I could) and be a good mother.
I have lost a lot, in terms of my own lucrative and stable career. And I have had to accept a tremendous amount of help from people I do not like. But my children needed this added support, and when you have children, I believe they are the primary responsibility in your life. I wonder if this hasn't been the core of much of my "recovery"? Surely, it has been...

im terrified to have children too..because of BPD and other diagnosis...