My daily struggles

Hey you..

I got this idea today to kind of.. make my own little topic in here. I guess I could make a blog too, but this little forum is like our own community and I don't really find myself comfortable with saying half of these things in a blog somewhere. I also thought writing this all down just for myself, but I actually think your comments could be helpful.

So I decided to make this topic to write about my struggles with finding out a diagnosis and dealing with doctors and everything else that's past and ahead of me. I guess this one post could be just an introduction and an opportunity for you to tell me your opinion on this. Would it be acceptable if I just wrote here when something happened?

(And should I maybe tag this subject as a trigger because I may get into more of my symptoms and all that? But then again, reading about my journey to getting the help I need could be motivational..)

hi, im new too

i was diagnosed this week and am reading everything on this thread just to try and understand and connect with my illness.reading someone elses story is helping me come to terms with it a bit i think so i'd be happy to read your stuff too

So.. I was planning this so the second post here would actually be like.. My back story. How I became like this.. Why I think I have BPD.

But I just need to get something out of my system first.

I am pissed off.

The main problem for my classmates and friends right now is that it's pouring rain outside and they have to cancel their plans. That's the stuff they deal with on a daily basis. "Oh, I had a fight with my bf, but we totally made up like two seconds later" "Omfg, my cat scratched my arm and it hurts.."

And here I'm sitting like.
"I've been trying to find a therapist and my morning started with me crying for random reasons and I spent my afternoon writing the longest letter to my new psychologist and I scratched my arm and it still hurts, but the pain is actually kind of good and I'm on the edge of a nervous breakdown and the rain is actually good, cause I feel like the nature feels as lonely, pathetic and miserable as I do."

But no.. I can't say that. I have to smile and be compassionate and say "Yeah, that sucks."

Cause no one understands what I'm going through. Not one person. Maybe only some of you here.

It just plain out sucks. WHY ME?! Why can't I be normal and worry about stupid fights with stupid boyfriends and stupid cats scratching my stupid arm. Instead of doing it to myself.

I'm tired. Just.. tired.

I think your idea for the thread is great. It would do you and the rest of us good. I empathize with what you're saying, and you can't even point out that their 'struggles' are about as problematic as Grade 3 maths, coz then you're just insensitive... My sister is 12 yrs older than me, she BELIEVES I haven't lived long enough to know true suffering, while she's the 'my cat scratched my arm' type thanks for sharing

Thank you for all of this nice feedback.

Today is going to be a good day. It's my birthday! I'm turning 20. And I have family coming over and they can always keep my mood on good levels. Especially my aunt. She just gets me. No judging. She's just there for me and she doesn't even know what I struggle with.

I hope you all have a good day too. I won't be online for most of the day, but you will all be in my thoughts.

Happy birthday Liinu! Hope you enjoy your day.

happy birthday :-)
x

Thank you!! So far the day has been great. I got some anxiety in the morning, but my friends and family kept my thoughts away from disturbing things and so I'm fine.

And I'm lucky that I don't have any problems with eating. Some pwBPDs have eating disorders too.. I don't. Cause there's so much food here.. It sure as hell would've been triggering.

hey - glad to hear you are having a fabulous day :-)

So.. On another note. I just got a response from a psychiatrist. I literally asked if and where can I do the DIB-R test to know whether or not I have BPD.

His answer was somewhat like.. "People read medical books and think that they have diseases but a little bit of out of the ordinary behaviour is normal. We all have small things we do that can relate to different diseases"

basically.. Blahblahblah - stop reading stuff and don't diagnose yourself - blahblahblah.

WHY THE **** DID I WRITE TO YOU THEN?!?!

I WANT a diagnosis. I'm not trying to give myself one. I'm trying to get the help I need. And he pretty much told me to stop imagining things. **** off, you old dickhead.

What a bloody idiot!!! Did he not understand your question? So much for being highly educated...

Yeah.. So I wrote back. And his response this time was pretty much.. "Find a psychiatrist"

Well.. Fun.

So now I'm left with my psychologist. Who lives quite far so I have to settle for exchanging letters for now. And right now we're in the "explain everything" phase so yeah.. I'm pretty much standing still and just waiting. Luckily, I'll be moving sometime during the summer. And I'm moving to an actual city which hopefully has a qualified psychiatrist who I can turn to. But that will probably cost like.. a lot. So that sucks.

I'm too damn sleepy and I really need my psychologist to write me back. But they have this thing where they have many patients so they answer each letter during five days. So sometimes it's literally like.. on the fifth day. I wrote to her yesterday. But it was a damn long letter too.

I kind of feel sorry for her. My guess is she didn't think she'd be dealing with such a lunatic like I am. Cause she's like.. fresh out of university. Oh well..

Yesterday was sort of a good day and sort of not. I had this constant anxiety and I didn't really eat anything up until dinner, which went down in a minute cause I was starving.
But I started listening to this singer, Lights, and I ended up writing two songs of my own. That always happens to me.. I'm able to write when I discover a new musician, who becomes my muse. So that felt kind of good.

And now I'm gonna sing for a bit.

Sometimes I feel like music is the only thing keeping me sane.

sometimes music IS the only thing that keeps me sane

sometimes tho i feel so bad that i cant sing :-(

what do you like to sing?

Everything and anything. I usually write soft rock type songs that can be presented as a calm ballad with just an acoustic guitar but can also be rocked up with a whole band.

But I have this whole karaoke playlist on YouTube that I sing to. Has everything from Guns n' Roses to Ellie Goulding.

And I just started writing a new song and I designed a tattoo that I'm gonna get.. someday.

I'm feeling so inspired today! It's awesome!

:-) how lovely

does being creative help with your moods?

i was really buzzy today - really wanted to draw but couldnt as my head was so busy...i didmanage to sing along to a song on youtube though...i didnt know you can do playlists - gonna look into that, thanks

Yeah, there's this add button under a video and you can make your own playlist.

But music sure does help. When I'm in a bad mood or whatever, music keeps my thoughts away from all the crap. It's like my own little creative bubble. Plus - time passes so fast when I'm making music or doing something else that's creative. And with time, my emotions pass too. So yeah, it definitely helps.
That's one thing that my last psychologist told me too - that I'm good at giving myself therapy in that way.

Oh gosh.. There's this blog on tumblr that concentrates on mental illnesses. It's kind of like the "you know you're BPD" subject on this forum. Just like..
I'll put the link here. WARNING!! It may be triggering. Sure got my mood down.
LINK: http://tatteredsanity.tumblr.com/tag...ality-disorder
That's the BPD page of it.

Anyway.. I noticed some of my friends reblogging a picture on there. About jealousy. Now.. They don't have BPD. One of them knows about my struggles. So I was just.. beyond.. disappointed. I mean.. That's like.. HOW?!?! I mean. They take it as "Oh yeah, I'll reblog it cause I get jealous too" but they have NO IDEA what it feels like. It's like treating the illness as a joke. That just hurt and I'm sooooo upset now. I'm shaking.

I just can't describe what I mean.. Like.. Aah.

sorry I missed your birthday.

Happy belated!

Billi

I am also glad that you are doing a thread here about how you are doing.

I am enjoying it.

I too love music. It keeps me hopeful and reminds me that bpd and suffering are only PART of my life, not all of it, and I am musically inclined, not just this "crazy person".

I am sorry that it did not work out with that doctor. OMG. I really wish I could say a few words to these doctors who seem to discount our issues and our questions/self-diagnoses! Why can they not appreciate us as people who really want to know about themselves and get better?! IDK.

I have a thread in the Health Support section here at PC called "Dear Doctor" and you can feel free to talk about doctor stuff there if you want. Sorry I don't have a link.

Keep writing, keep singing, keep listening to that music! You are empowering yourself that way!

Billi

Thank you so much for your kind words.

That friend still hasn't answered to me. I wrote to her saying what I felt about her reblogging the BPD stuff from that page. No answer. It's killing me, cause it's like.. Something unfinished. I'm weird like that.

Today has been good so far. I went by my school. Got last signatures on this paper. We need to get signatures from every teacher to prove that we're done with their subject. I'm a senior so I'm officially done with high school. I only need to wait until the graduation.

I watched Lion King yesterday. Made me happy. I love that movie, but I hadn't seen it in a long time.

But afterwards.. I was lying in bed and I couldn't fall asleep. It was like.. My mind was racing. All these thoughts. Just random thoughts.. But they kept me awake for at least an hour. Sucked.

I'm gonna watch Lion King 2 now.

icant stand things to be unfinished either- unless i shut myself down completely i have to sort it out RIGHT NOW! otherwise mymind starts racing like yours!

im also having probs sleeping- although with me at the mo i can fall asleep okay but wake up in the night or really early in the morning and am unable to get BACK to sleep - ive watched way too much news24 for this reason!

hope you enjoy lion king 2!

I usually only have trouble falling asleep. But when I do have sleep problems, it's full on. Can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep, can't fall back asleep.. Sucks.

And I can't even watch Lion King 2, because I'm finding it too hard to concentrate on it. Oh well.. I'll save it until later tonight. I like watching a movie or something to calm myself down before going to bed.

My psychologist sent me a letter. I just responded. She's hopefully gonna try and help me in finding a psychiatrist who actually knows something about BPD.
And of course.. She is trying to make sure that I'm not just hypochondric and making this up and all that, but at least she's subtle about it.

She has this way of writing that makes me feel respected and understood. It's good to read her letters. Makes me feel like someone is taking half of the weight off my shoulders. That I'm not all alone with this.

Current state of mind - relaxed.

thats good to hear - did she tell you she was checking you are not a hypochondric? or is that your own feeling of'making it all up'? i only ask cos i get that quite often.Its getting less since the dx - oddly it hasnt dissapeared completely! What ather 'proof' do I need!! Maybe a Tshirt....