sometimes I have walked away from my computer and had this brain snap enough to walk into the wall. I quickly study my path and it appears I imagined my door has suddenly moved!...after 2 years in this room I misplaced a casual engineering formality?...a domestic fact!....

but run flat out into the wall....contorted and exceptional


I find I am integrated!....consumed....and this is absurd! especially for the borderline the toxicity of intimacy on any level and it's uniquely horrifying to get so close to PEOPLE and yet not be but still be...(hence...wtf?)

I can't work it out I want in I want out I want to run I am having an impossible time with this I have to distance myself from this experience...but I keep coming back?

I have no effing clue if anyone else finds it as difficult as I do on here...it's hard enough everywhere else and I thought anonymous was safe but I HATE anonymous it makes me feel extra-un-identified and thats asking for borderline trouble...



damn it I don't know....?

it's full-on to care more about others than yourself and yet be a selfish asshole at the same time and such is the computer world it's selfishly unreal but it's real people.

James

[Trippin2.0]

I suck at walking away big time. Its exactly how you described. You're not alone James

...beautiful Ophelia...

you always come to my rescue..

make sense of my nonsense

set me free from myself...



how cool...

[Trippin2.0]

Gorgeous pic, you always choose so wisely.

Haven't gotten that way on here.....yet. Trying hard to keep it casual do I won't. I was a guild leader on World of Warcraft a few years ago. I had several players, fellow guild members, leave with no forewarning. I was so distraught I disbanded the guild and basically stopped playing the game. Yep.....definitely understand.

I resurrected this thread from a few weeks ago for a few reasons. First, some of our newer members may not have seen it, and second, I am starting to feel this way. I am getting intimately involved with people I've never even met and don't know their names, and any kind of intimacy is so hard. I'm compelled and obsessed by PC. I want to be on here all the time and at the same time I'm starting to want to stay away. Some of you feel more like family and friends than anyone I know personally, and ANY kind of intimacy for me is a BAD thing. It brings out the worst in me. I CAN'T stay away, but I NEED to to some degree. What can I do to find a happy medium? I need your support, but I feel as though it's not real, it's virtual, it's not something I SHOULD have...I shouldn't feel anything towards anyone on here, it's not REAL. It's why I've been soooo hesitant to make friends on here. I want friends, I need friends, but at the same time I don't know how to deal with friends. My social skills in this area are close to nonexistant. I was once a guild leader on World of Warcraft. I ended up getting very distraught and quitting after several members of my guild quit with no notice. Abandonment issues ya think? I act like a little kid whose candy was just stolen. Help? Ideas? How can I find that medium?

hmm, thanks for bringing this up carmasia, I think it's very important.

I've not felt this here, yet (as you say before.) But perhaps have felt it a bit in other online places. I want to have friends, but I'm very afraid, I would not know what to do if they rejected me (or if I had the illusion that they did--even in this anonymous, plutonic realm).

My partner, who I've mentioned in my initial post, is an experienced mental health worker, and in supporting me has warned me of this: "remember to keep your boundaries in online venues. you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. By all means be honest and open, look for support, but keep some boundaries." This has to include boundaries in my own head, even though I desire to have friends, help people, and form new bonds, I have to put my recovery first. Boundaries does not mean isolation to me, it just means that I'm putting something in place that 'healthy' people have. I can't give too much of myself, but I have to give enough for the maintenance of a friendship , this is balance.

I think for here, carmasia, I have to remind myself that I am here for the same reasons everyone else is. This common goal of health and support is why we are all here, I can stay focused on that. I can't have expectations, that is a great way to set myself up for dissapointments. I am like you, want to have friends, I just don't know how to process feelings around that. I have said before, I push people away or stand back to retain my autonomy, but crave 'intimacy'. It's a constant struggle.

Again, I remind myself to be gentle with myself...be as gentle with others as I am with myself, too. I need to remember I'm here because I have a disorder/illness, the other people here have it too, they understand...this place has yet to feel judging and rejecting. But I have to always remember that expectations will bring me nowhere (they are just dissapointments waiting to happen). At least with the online thing I can really think about what I do before I do it. So that is a positive aspect for me.

Interestingly, I play Wow! I currently play (holy paladin). I ended up making my own guild with a few people I know in real life who struggle with their own mental health problems. We all KNOW we have problems, we accept eachother's idiosyncrocies and come together to just focus on the game and relax. By putting our focus on the game, we don't have to have too many intimate things going on, but we're there for eachother. (This is what I mean by a common focus/goal). I was in a large guild for awhile and it felt weird, so I decided to just distance myself and do my own thing , it's been pretty fun since.

This is what I can offer at least, maybe you can get something from it. Very healing thoughts being sent your way carmasia.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Its so easy in the online world to lose yourself to it. You are the person you portray yourself to be and that is all. You can choose to divulge all or nothing or part ways in between. It is so incredibly easy to forget the outside (real) world.

I think it is nice to have people you can rely on, that care and know the "bad" things about me. But like SC said, keeping those boundaries there will help. We are all basically here for the same purpose and we find connections with people based on shared experiences. Perhaps those connections can be good in that you can learn from each other, but the key (i think) is to be able to turn it aside and be in the real world as well. Find that balance. What we discuss in here, put to use in the real world to help with real issues?

I have gotten lost in the online world (chatting, gaming etc) and it was a very hard habit to break. This forum is my first online world that ive encountered in a while and I find that I have to remind myself that there are lives outside this forum. It's difficult but I think setting those boundaries and accepting them would be a great place to start. Equally as important is others accepting those boundaries and respecting your quiet time, your real world time, etc.

Not sure if that's helpful or just me rambling.. but there you go...

I don't know if any of you do, but I have an "addictive" type of personality. When something seems to help or gives me enjoyment, I put too much in to it and it becomes unhealthy. I think I have a touch of Internet addiction for this reason. One more problem....sigh.

[SwayintheBreeze]

Originally Posted by carmasia

I don't know if any of you do, but I have an "addictive" type of personality. When something seems to help or gives me enjoyment, I put too much in to it and it becomes unhealthy. I think I have a touch of Internet addiction for this reason. One more problem....sigh.

absolutely the same.. I hear ya!!

to all of the above recent thoughts...thanks. yes it sure is very tricky, desperately tricky. Im never much certain how to cope...such a delicate thing in such a confusing and random environment...scares me alot but just cant seem to shutup!

Originally Posted by carmasia

I don't know if any of you do, but I have an "addictive" type of personality. When something seems to help or gives me enjoyment, I put too much in to it and it becomes unhealthy. I think I have a touch of Internet addiction for this reason. One more problem....sigh.

YES! This is me too. I definitely relate to 'addictive type of personality.' I become fascinated with something (right now my disorder because of recent discovery/ internet), want to learn everything about it and do it all the time. This sometimes turns into a positive thing (I can play pretty decent guitar, I eat organic and raw veggies religiously and I've joined a support group for this crap disorder I have) lol. Other times it doesn't, it just creates more problems.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic and ex-smoker so I have to watch it. Luckily I have a sponsor for that in my program of recovery. This requires rigorous honesty on my part. I constantly get told to 'check my motives'.

But I've had all kinds of addictions/obsessions. I'll name a few so no one feels too alone or weird about theirs: alcohol, cigarettes, internet, gaming, music, reading, health (exercise, taking supplements, eating well), people (that's a BIG one)...

Ever get addicted to a person? All you want to do is be around them, do everything with them, talk with them all the time? For this I have to 'check my motives'. Am I doing it because they want me around too? Or am I just doing it to fulfill my own needs? It's something I have to ask myself and really be honest with. It helps me put things into perspective.

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

to all of the above recent thoughts...thanks. yes it sure is very tricky, desperately tricky. Im never much certain how to cope...such a delicate thing in such a confusing and random environment...scares me alot but just cant seem to shutup!

Thanks fo replying, James, it's obviously been hard for you. When I first replied several weeks ago, I was pretty new and wasn't having too many problems yet, but they crept up more and more over time.

Also, I hope you don't mind my resurrecting your thread from the grave. You had stated things so elequently and I didn't see a reason to start another thread on the exact same subject.

Good luck with working out your issues. It's something we're all facing...alone and together.

Originally Posted by stratocaster

Ever get addicted to a person? All you want to do is be around them, do everything with them, talk with them all the time? For this I have to 'check my motives'. Am I doing it because they want me around too? Or am I just doing it to fulfill my own needs? It's something I have to ask myself and really be honest with. It helps me put things into perspective.

Yes....oh, yes. That's why I can't have friends. It's only happened a few times in the last 20 years, but when it does it means trouble. I get clingy, manipulative, and needy, and it's only a matter of time before I'm abandoned. I want/need friends but I've come to the realization that I can't afford to until I can greatly change my mindset. It just hurts too much.

Yeh I hear you carmasia,

I do pretty well if I keep it casual and with a shared focus, I can still be social but not have my traits emerge.

I am doing pretty well with meeting people and being social at AA meetings, art events, gaming, lectures, various forums I visit. As long as I keep it simple and superficial, keep the focus on the shared focus. I will talk a bit about myself and ask the other person but then change the subject directly back to what it is we're there for.

Of course this isn't the kind of bond I crave, but I already know that no amount of approval, support, affection or interaction will fill that 'lonliness' for me. It's a start, I think...I hope?

I'm also kind of learning how to be my own friend, ya know? Treat me well, like I would an unconditional friend, at least I know I would never leave myself. LOL... that's a different kind of problem isnt it.

I try to just keep it simple , very basic and almost childlike...it's working I think for now. Anyway, that's where I'm at, until I can trust myself to form deeper bonds.

I totally KNOW where you're coming from carmasia. Thank you for sharing. I relate to this 100%.

I resurrected this thread for a few major reasons. I am having increasing problems with this.

I am becoming overly attached and "clingy" to people I don't really know and problems I can do nothing about. When I joined this site, it was to find companionship, to share my issues with others who would understand, and to have a sense of "family". I did have that for a while....over two months.

Now, due to my issues with relationships, the most significant part of my BPD, the thing that exacerbates everything else, I feel like I have to push away. Sigh...the old push-pull phenomenon, but I don't know what else to do. I'm starting to feel rejected and abandoned by people when I send a message and don't receive a reply right away even though I know I did nothing wrong and that everyone has their own lives. I am stressed out by the say my own mind just can't handle this type of thing. This all started several weeks ago when I'd basically trigger myself when I'd get too in to a reply to a post which hit home, and hasn't gotten any better. I also feel like I am bothering people with my problems. I know somewhere inside that I'm not, that's everyone shares and we attempt to help one another, but that's it's a feeling that has been ingrained in me by years and years of conditioning, and it's still a feeling that I can't shake. I guess I'm letting the BPD take over in some aspects.

I know I cannot quit this site without having something to replace it with, I'm not going to even try. I am always drawn back here, sometimes to my own detriment....there's the pulling. I am, however, taking a break from any of the forums with emotional content (isn't that most of them??), particularily the new members, BPD, and Dealing with Emotions. I can't deal with other's emotions...I'm having enough problems with my own.

For now, I will still allow visitor messages and private messages and I will keep this thread saved so I can see other's replies. You don't have to reply or write or do anything. I'm not begging for mail or replies....but I am...but I'm not. You know how that goes. I'll probably write back to anyone who takes the time to send something to me, but I don't know how fast the reply will come. Possibly instantly, possibly several days from now depending on how my mind decides to react to it.

You are welcome to offer any suggestions you may have that will help. I have bumped up my DBT stuff in an attempt. I have a tendancy of being lazy or convincing myself I don't need it during the good days even though I know it's the only real thing that will help right now. There's that complex of WANTING to feel bad.

I am working on starting a blog. I'm hoping it will keep my interest and get my attention away from this site. It will be completely unrelated to anything here. I am willing to share once I'm happy with it, but I want to keep it and PC completely apart from each other. I don't want one messing up the other, and the way my mind likes to connect things, there is a distinct possibility of that occuring.

Thank you for all of your support over these last 2 1/2 months. I'm not disappearing...just trying to cope.

thanks for sharing this Maranara.
..it's all very well expressed and I understand what you mean.
...and for the gratitude....no worries at all

Originally Posted by Maranara

I'm not begging for mail or replies....but I am...but I'm not. You know how that goes. I'll probably write back to anyone who takes the time to send something to me, but I don't know how fast the reply will come. Possibly instantly, possibly several days from now depending on how my mind decides to react to it.

There's that complex of WANTING to feel bad.

Hey mara,

I hear you. It's misfortunate that our BPD become worse when exposed to others, but a group therapy type setting seems to help? WTF indeed.

I get this: "I'm not begging for replies...but I am...but I'm not." It's as if, I want people to care, but then...I don't want them to because I'm not worth it. I'm also a bother, and they have lives and things of their own to care about, but...they should care...I wish they would, but once they do I don't want them to?

BPD is so perplexing.

Do what you need to do mara. We're here for you and understand. (I understand completely).

I also understand about 'wanting' to feel bad. I don't want to feel bad, but then again it's all I really know...'happiness' seems so foreign...

I don't have much in the way of suggestions, other than to try and distract from said people (this is very hard because I'm the type of person to focus on the people who aren't giving me what I want/need than the ones who are-- no matter how many).
I think a blog is a great idea.
Much love.

I am starting to feel what everyone around here is talking about. I don't want to come to PC, but I have to, because it helps.
I'm getting wrapped up in social things that I don't want to be part of (too much fear of perceived rejection, adequacy issues, wanting to be part of but feeling apart from) but I want to have friends too...I feel like the only people who understand and 'get me' are others with BPD, but I don't fit in (I'm perceiving that I dont?)



I should follow my own advice ^ I luckily have a few new things in my life that can distract me, but I feel drawn ...back. I want a support group, but I want friends too, maybe I can't have both (or shouldnt?). I know that no amount of approval from others will help me, but I am a social person too...How to have my social needs met without my BPD traits coming up and flooding my brain?

Originally Posted by stratocaster

YES! This is me too. I definitely relate to 'addictive type of personality.' I become fascinated with something (right now my disorder because of recent discovery/ internet), want to learn everything about it and do it all the time. This sometimes turns into a positive thing (I can play pretty decent guitar, I eat organic and raw veggies religiously and I've joined a support group for this crap disorder I have) lol. Other times it doesn't, it just creates more problems.

I'm also a recovering alcoholic and ex-smoker so I have to watch it. Luckily I have a sponsor for that in my program of recovery. This requires rigorous honesty on my part. I constantly get told to 'check my motives'.

But I've had all kinds of addictions/obsessions. I'll name a few so no one feels too alone or weird about theirs: alcohol, cigarettes, internet, gaming, music, reading, health (exercise, taking supplements, eating well), people (that's a BIG one)...

Ever get addicted to a person? All you want to do is be around them, do everything with them, talk with them all the time? For this I have to 'check my motives'. Am I doing it because they want me around too? Or am I just doing it to fulfill my own needs? It's something I have to ask myself and really be honest with. It helps me put things into perspective.

i did go through a phase where i'd become attached to people's names, and asociate the type of person they were with their name

i don't know why i used to do it... but i had stuff like- if your name is rachel, you're hardworking- and if your name's peter, you're weird

but it's kind of stopped now

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I am starting to feel what everyone around here is talking about. I don't want to come to PC, but I have to, because it helps.
I'm getting wrapped up in social things that I don't want to be part of (too much fear of perceived rejection, adequacy issues, wanting to be part of but feeling apart from) but I want to have friends too...I feel like the only people who understand and 'get me' are others with BPD, but I don't fit in (I'm perceiving that I dont?)



I should follow my own advice ^ I luckily have a few new things in my life that can distract me, but I feel drawn ...back. I want a support group, but I want friends too, maybe I can't have both (or shouldnt?). I know that no amount of approval from others will help me, but I am a social person too...How to have my social needs met without my BPD traits coming up and flooding my brain?

You DO fit in....that's why you're starting to feel this way. Sigh... I wonder how much of this is being caused by us taking on each other's traits? Because of our own self-identity issues? Are we just, completely unintentionally, damning each other?

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I know that no amount of approval from others will help me, but I am a social person too...How to have my social needs met without my BPD traits coming up and flooding my brain?

...all I know what to say here is that "yeah it's full on!!"

and it's scary...but I sorta' feel...or sense that we are all scared together

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I am starting to feel what everyone around here is talking about. I don't want to come to PC, but I have to, because it helps.
I'm getting wrapped up in social things that I don't want to be part of (too much fear of perceived rejection, adequacy issues, wanting to be part of but feeling apart from) but I want to have friends too...I feel like the only people who understand and 'get me' are others with BPD, but I don't fit in (I'm perceiving that I dont?)



I should follow my own advice ^ I luckily have a few new things in my life that can distract me, but I feel drawn ...back. I want a support group, but I want friends too, maybe I can't have both (or shouldnt?). I know that no amount of approval from others will help me, but I am a social person too...How to have my social needs met without my BPD traits coming up and flooding my brain?

DITTO ~ minus being a social person. I don't have the confidence or self-esteem to be sociable. The rest of your post completely fits me. Best wishes to everyone!

[Prettymaggie]

Originally Posted by dubblemonkey

sometimes I have walked away from my computer and had this brain snap enough to walk into the wall. I quickly study my path and it appears I imagined my door has suddenly moved!...after 2 years in this room I misplaced a casual engineering formality?...a domestic fact!....

but run flat out into the wall....contorted and exceptional

I find I am integrated!....consumed....and this is absurd! especially for the borderline the toxicity of intimacy on any level and it's uniquely horrifying to get so close to PEOPLE and yet not be but still be...(hence...wtf?)

I can't work it out I want in I want out I want to run I am having an impossible time with this I have to distance myself from this experience...but I keep coming back?

I have no effing clue if anyone else finds it as difficult as I do on here...it's hard enough everywhere else and I thought anonymous was safe but I HATE anonymous it makes me feel extra-un-identified and thats asking for borderline trouble...


damn it I don't know....?

it's full-on to care more about others than yourself and yet be a selfish asshole at the same time and such is the computer world it's selfishly unreal but it's real people.

James

James,

I find the computer world very deceptive and unfair. All you read are words carefully constructed to portray a character trait but how much of that is real is hard to decipher. Don't take what you see on the internet too seriously. Forums are a game. Part pleasure, part pain and all role-play fantasy. Sure, some of your real personality will leak through and some of your thoughts, life events and other specifics might be valid but this isn't the same as real. I've been on forums before where people will throw pixilated rocks at me stressing the reality - their reality on these sites but once on and integrated into forum life judgement begins to faultier.

Love your writing.