[BrokenNBeautiful]

Hello.

I am still trying to tone down my talking and I feel like I am not doing any better with that.

I have tried to respond to threads tonight and if my responses were not good, I apologize. Again, I am just a fellow pwbpd who is also struggling and empathizing with your struggles as best I can. I don't know everything; just my own experience.

My uncle's mother passed away last month and we are going to her memorial tomorrow morning. I feel very anxious because I don't know if I will make it. My insomnia has been severe (Ani thinks that's why I ended up in ER last Tuesday with chest pains; sleep deprivation) and all week, I have been getting up at noon or 1pm just to keep my sleep hours good; I can't go under 8 hours anymore. If I do, I have heart palpitiations and nausea.

So, I hope I get some sleep tonight; ER doc did prescribe some ativan, but only for a few more days.

My obsession with Boukreev has not been any better. (see "more push pull, even in a fantasy" thread if you don't understand about my Boukreev thing.) I still can't stop thinking about him, even though I try very hard to stay distracted during the day. Nights are hard. Fantasies coming in. I have got to get up the nerve to find a gp or even a pdoc to help me with this and *not ****ing laugh at me* this time! The fantasy keeps me awake!

I hate bpd.

I hate what it does to me and others around me, incl. you guys.

I feel so needy and inept and ugly.

Ani worked hard with me today on my self-esteem.

I am too wound up to write on my new group but I will get to it soon.

Safe weekend, people.

Love (in only the way I can, sorry lol)

Carol

[Scorpio Eyes]

Sweetheart, get some sleep tonight. Take your Ativan. Get in bed and rest, tonight. It seriously sounds like you need it. Those things you're telling yourself are nonsense. When you calm yourself and get back into a more clear state of mind, not fatigued from lack of proper REM, you will see that.

You are strong, capable, and beautiful.

There is so much love you have within you, not just what you've been condemned to be able to express.

Remember this, sweetheart.

Love,
Scorpio

[BrokenNBeautiful]

thanks Scorpio.

Everyone, I slept.

I did.

thanks again.

Carol

[Scorpio Eyes]

Do you feel any better?

Glad you got some sleep B.
I empathize deeply with your post. How the fantasy/obsession is consuming all of your thoughts. Then when it isn't, it is self-criticism barraging you. I understand.
I relate. I get it.

I also hate bpd. Remember, B, hating our disorder does not equate hating ourselves. You know this. And as scorp said, you ARE lovable and beautiful...It is our disorder that gives us the perception otherwise. (Although those perceptions certainly disguise themselves as reality often enough)...

Also, IMO, I don't feel you need to 'calm down' your talking. Get it out there girl, venting helps for me and what better place than our dysfunctional family here on PC? I do understand the feeling though (do you think it is a push/pull away from us? I ask because I feel I do this sometimes)

Much love your way B.

I'll check in too. I'm doing all right. Been somewhat complacent the last few days in my DBT, but having small successes here and there as far as emotion regulation. Having a current obsession that is all consuming but focusing on work and distracting with video games, chatting, drawing etc., I know it will pass too.

Going to do some physical work outside to get ready for winter this weekend...exercise really helps me as an anti-depressant. I have been riding the roller coaster of emotional flux lately...falling into deep depression and back into 'baseline' off and on. I do experience seasonal affective disorder, so it is most likely that. Here is hoping everyone is getting enough Vitamin D and exercise.

Much love.

[Girl_Interrupted]

Do a mindfulness body scan (you can find one on YouTube) or do mindfulness whilst watching a candle. I hope that helps you to relax and get to sleep.

I always find I want to sleep after doing mindfulness in DBT class.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

Sweetheart, get some sleep tonight. Take your Ativan. Get in bed and rest, tonight. It seriously sounds like you need it. Those things you're telling yourself are nonsense. When you calm yourself and get back into a more clear state of mind, not fatigued from lack of proper REM, you will see that.

You are strong, capable, and beautiful.

There is so much love you have within you, not just what you've been condemned to be able to express.

Remember this, sweetheart.

Love,
Scorpio

thanks scorpio. It is so hard to believe that I am anything but a ball of bpd and being ****ed up. so thanks. lack of sleep does affect the way we think.

I have brainwashed myself and been brainwashed by others, and swallowed, whole, the idea that I am incapable of love. Or have anything redeemable. No wonder I feel like all I have going is this darn fantasy!

So thanks. I needed to hear it from the outside. Being so isolated and unable to attend any therapy also is hard on me. I rely on PC for it's very good support system.

And I hope you, too, are finding the good support that you (and everyone deserves)

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Scorpio Eyes

Do you feel any better?

The nights are still hard.

I've been advised not to depend too heavily on the ativan. I did take it the night before the memorial, but not Saturday night or last night. I only have 10 pills, one per night and I need to make some appts with dr's. I pray they will not scoff at me.

I have gotten thru 3 nights without fantasizing about having Boukreev over.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by stratocaster

I also hate bpd. Remember, B, hating our disorder does not equate hating ourselves. You know this. And as scorp said, you ARE lovable and beautiful...It is our disorder that gives us the perception otherwise. (Although those perceptions certainly disguise themselves as reality often enough)...

Also, IMO, I don't feel you need to 'calm down' your talking. Get it out there girl, venting helps for me and what better place than our dysfunctional family here on PC? I do understand the feeling though (do you think it is a push/pull away from us? I ask because I feel I do this sometimes)

Much love.

thanks so much for this.

I am extremely self-conscious about my "gabbing"; been told that's my bpd. My roommate tunes me out when he's had enough; although I understand how he must feel, it still hurts my feelings and I told him once, "If you are sick of hearing me, please let me know; I am not a china plate. Don't act out; talk to me; tell me what's going on. If you are not irritated with me, please reassure me that you are not. When you rub your eyes or tune me out, I feel like a bad kid again who's annoying."

Also, at 12 step meetings, every time I share, ppl get up and get coffee, whisper, or act nervous or fidget; I notice they act attentive when most of the others talk. That also hurts and has discouraged me from sharing there or anywhere else. I need to know when and where it's safe to talk now. I belong to some other sites and do not talk there anymore; I talk mostly here, but I am still scared ppl will tire of me and/or get angry at me for talking too much.

And although I know it already, it's good to hear, from someone else, that bpd deserves the rap, not the person with bpd! thanks for that, too.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by Girl_Interrupted

Do a mindfulness body scan (you can find one on YouTube) or do mindfulness whilst watching a candle. I hope that helps you to relax and get to sleep.

I always find I want to sleep after doing mindfulness in DBT class.

I am doing some meditation on some affirmations right now, esp the one that Ani and I wrote, "May the Higher Power take away this feeling..." I have been doing visualizations of it carrying away a smoky light that is my addiction to Boukreev.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Tomorrow I will call someone about getting maybe some antidepressants. The ER doc told me to tell someone about the anxiety.

I really really hope it isn't another traumatic experience. I have had it with dr's who act like I am wasting their time!

And I am grateful to you ppl and also to any hours of sleep I get.



Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I thought about calling doc's last night and lost my nerve again.

Too many many times I have been disappointed and rejected by them.

I know I need to follow the ER's instructions, but I can't get the pic out of my head of some doc shaking his head at me and saying, "Why did you come here? I can't help you...you're hopeless."

The ER doc did tell me I am not having a heart attack, so I will in the meantime try to manage my anxiety myself. Not drink so much caffeine and try to relax at night.

I am so scared of docs putting me down. My self-esteem is fragile enough right now.

Carol

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I have a new thread called "tried to get a doctor".

It was traumatic.

I kept my voice down dealing with them but I was so upset.

The new thread will give details.

I could not get an appt earlier than Nov 26.

thanks ll for the hug.

Carol