[poptart316]

I'm good although kind of in a weird mood, I took a nap and had a bunch of weird dreams. I went out with the guy I'm dating last night and stayed the night at his house.. like I said before this has me elated. I'm wondering if I'll every be able to feel happy and love myself on my own? I also wonder how long this feeling will last?

First day of a three day stretch at work. All twelve hour shifts, so it's get up, go to work, come home, get on the computer for maybe an hour, go to bed. It was an okay day; work was busy so it went by quickly. I'm tentatively looking forward to Saturday because my ex-friend and I made tentative plans to go out. We said we'd see how things were going by Saturday. I know I said I was glad we weren't friends anymore but... come on. Who am I kidding? I've always missed him. I'm glad we're texting again, and I hope we can make up and move on. Fingers crossed...we'll see.

Had a few things happen that has made me feel pretty down, lonely, and sorry for myself. I'm determined to get through it on my own without getting totally desperate.

[Luctor]

Still in a world of hurt. But I've decided to focus on the incredible support network of family, friends - old and new (you guys included) - for which I am truly grateful. I feel like when I'm completely overwhelmed, there are people who will catch me when I fall.

Sending a massive THANK YOU out into the universe. (and the psychforums)

[poptart316]

I feel sad, I think applying for jobs triggered it.. I have no idea why. I'm also lonely, I wish I could be around someone right now.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

Well, I took Arvind (companion) on a ferry ride to Coronado (from San Diego) as I promised him I would. The terminal was in an area of construction, so it was tricky walking down there and no public restrooms. I calmly told the ticket agent that I would appreciate bathrooms there.

Then I came home to check on my progress with an online computer tech (removing a stubborn cookie) and a general tune-up and there was a rough spot: We lost internet connection and we were on the phone and I panicked because I could not get back connected. He told me, "Call me back when you calm down". and I was able to stay on the phone, apologize to him and get the matter resolved.

DBT is not a cure, nor is it an immediate magic pill. But I think it's helping.

I seem to do something that a counselor, once, told me, is called "shifting", where I "shift" from a hot emotion like anger to a cooler one.

I hate bpd. I am learning to hate the disorder and not myself.

it's hard.

I am so self-conscious about it.

I hate getting caught being overreactive.

Guess I am not perfect and I won't be.

I am also working a different shift and sleeping better. I seem to sleep better during the day than at night.

As a result of my sleep improvement, I am feeling more stable.

Carol

Went through a short period of loneliness and depression last night followed by a "why am I upset...I can snap out of it" to an inspired phase where felt good and that I could really take care of some things. Now, I'm not upset, but I realize that the last one isn't as easy as it seemed briefly last night.... A roller coaster going up...it was nice while it lasted, but I guess I'm back to reality...whatever that is...

[greentires4me]

Went out to NSA today then went grocery shopping...then went to the pharmacy to pick up my pills and they hadn't gotten the new script so its interesting where did mental health send it to?

went to the mall and ate a&w I am stuffed...

then came home and put away the rest of the groceries

I am having a major issue with anxiety lately. It's getting to the point where it's interfering with being at work, I feel so anxious (and it's mainly about work, so that's no good). I took a Klonopin while I was at work today and felt so drowsy from it that I was nodding off at my computer (and still felt anxious), so that's not a viable remedy. I know my pdoc has no other tricks up her sleeve for this; I'm just going to have to use other coping mechanisms.

My ex-friend (is he still an ex-friend?) and I won't be going out on Saturday which I kind of predicted when he said, "Let's see where we're at by Saturday." He just said that he isn't free, which part of me is annoyed with (did something better come up?) but honestly... I'm okay with it. He didn't have a habit of this before, we're still not back to being buddies yet, and I kind of want him to see that I am no longer going to freak out and be my BPD self like I used to when plans change. He assured me that he definitely still plans on hanging out with me, and that we'll keep in touch and I believe him. If he didn't want to hang out with me, he wouldn't have brought hanging out up in the first place. I feel like I've used DBT here (opposite action?): just because someone decided not to hang out with me this time, doesn't mean that they don't like me. My T would be proud.

(P.S. Sorry for the long post.)

[poptart316]

I'm bored as usual.. slept in till about 5pm, I've been doing this a lot. Then I sat on the computer and smoked cigarettes most of the day. I'm feeling kind of restless now. Maybe I should push myself to do more tomorrow.

[Luctor]

Fine for now. But, as is the nature of our ailment, it might not last for long. I've been feeling like a raw, festering wound the last few days. Very sensitive, fragile and a little out of control.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

don't feel good

Just woke up and started work. Feel sleepy and a bit out of it but not too bad. I do, however, feel the little anxiety bug in the pit of my stomach gnawing away and growing and it's only a matter of time before he takes over.

[poptart316]

I'm okay, I woke up at a decent time for once.. I need to be more productive today.

I'be had several unexpected things happen in the last few hours that has put my anxiety over the top.

[greentires4me]

yeah my drugs are finally figured out...woohoo...situation with them has been resolved...what a relief maybe now I can get some much needed rest at night...I put up some poster board on my windows and it all fell down so back to the drawing board I guess...

I made myself a sandwich out of genoa salami and cheese on white bread with mustard...

I feel sorta out of place and reluctant to move forward

[hawthoerne]

Went to my pdoc today.... she increased my topamax because she says that works better for anxiety than klonopin (which I'm also on) I'm all for non-addictive solutions. Told my boyfriend i wanted a tabletop fountain and he's acting like he doesn't want to buy it which is making me unnaturally sad... its his money.... why should i be upset?

[greentires4me]

went out to the pharmacy to get my meds I was only allowed to have one set I stirred up the pile and said why not two I always get two on weekends...they said thats what the doctor wrote that they will contact her on Monday to see about getting it switched. so I have to tough it out until then...grrr

I slept much better last night I didn't have to take any sleeping aids to get to sleep which was good.

[Ultra Darkness]

Anxious to the point where I have to focus on my breathing. Can't concentrate very well.

Feeling okay today. It's 70 degrees here and sunny...finally! So I have the slider door to my balcony open and I'm just sitting here watching the Tigers game. Later, I think I'll sit on the balcony with my feet up and read a book. It's so pretty outside.

My daughter told me she has decided to stay in Florida and not move here. I know we are the ones who moved away and that there was only a small chance she'd join us eventually, but the twangs of abandonment have started all over again.

[Scotgirl012]

Originally Posted by Buttercup..

Think I took a major step today in therapy I actually told her how my week had been but I didn't like the questions she asked like "what emotions I felt"? I couldn't answer her properly.....She was asking how my relationships had been with my siblings especially with my sister (my only sister) Need to talk more about this next week, she thinks I have suffered mental abuse from her.

Hi, Buttercup,

I'm sorry that you took such a big step and were disappointed by your therapist's reaction - or lack thereof. I hope your next session is more productive for you!

I get so aggravated when my therapist goes off on some tangent or in a direction I don't want to go into. Even though I adore her, my therapist can get on my nerves!

Can I help? I'll listen if you need to vent!

I picked up a shift at my second job today (a while ago) and now I don't want to go in. It's making me anxious thinking about it. I don't know why I get anxious about work; it's just eight hours (or twelve in the case of my main job) and even if I have a tough assignment, it's over when it's over. It's no big deal. And, if I didn't have to work, I wouldn't have anything else to do so hey, may as well earn money.

[greentires4me]

sitting by the computer eating nuts...maybe because I was nuts last night I drank hardcore guzzling down 3 cans of 473ml each I thought about suicide when I did it but I decided on going to bed instead of going to the hospital....

But right now I am waiting on a friend to text me back its like its taking him ages to do so.

I feel perplexed and bit ravenous...

Do I understand this is for ppl with Bipolar disorder (I also have others) to discuss how they are feeling and to get advise?