Originally Posted by Love/Hate09

Lost a friend, a really nice genuine person. So stunned, still can't quite get my head around it. Had been trying to ring him just for a chat and to see how he was. The number would never connect, i just thought he had changed his number and i would catch up with him eventually. Then i saw someone who knew him and he told me he had passed away. I still can't believe it really. Last time i saw him he was fine and we we're chatting as normal. I keep getting a grip and then losing it again. Don't really know where to post this but wanted to post it somewhere. I'm not religious but i keep sending him my thoughts, somehow i think maybe he can hear me from somewhere. Still struggling to process this, it was only a couple of months ago when he was taking care of me because i wasn't very well, he came and picked me up and made sure i got home safely because he was a lovely generous person. I wanted to write this somewhere because i want him to know i'm thinking of him if by chance he's looking down from somewhere. Take care mate, wherever you are.

I'm really sorry to hear this; that's very sad.

I have to work at my per diem job today. It's a beautiful day and I don't really want to go in, however, I don't know what I would do with myself if I wasn't working so...yeah.

[wadingthruemotions]

I had a good day yesterday for the most part (only one slight argument).

Today is going okay. We are tearing apart one of our bathrooms (on purpose, lol) so lots to keep be occupied which is a good thing.

[hezaa82]

I've been having a difficult time lately. A lot of things are triggering my abandonment issues. Said goodbye to a friend who is moving back to France. I told him "There was some bad stuff between us but it's ok now" and he said "no it's not ok." ouch I really want to call him and try and clear things up.

I keep sending depressed emails to my friend J late at night I guess hoping to get some attention but no response. I keep waking up in the middle of the night and panicking. I had a bad dream about J having a new girlfriend and having to see them together. I've never self harmed but in the dream I cut my hand and showed it to him. I guess I'm not doing very well.

[Britneigh]

I'm getting to the point where I'm about to give up on everything. Give up on this forum. Give up on horses. Give up on my relationship. Give up on my job. Give up on my future. And give up on life. Give up on ever trying to be happy. I just don't know what to do anymore and just when I think things might be okay it all blows up in my face. Full out explosion. And why? Because I don't know. I'm never going to be good enough or smart enough to do anything but shovel crap the rest of my life which is pretty pathetic. I'm feeling really down. And nothing makes me feel better.

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I'm getting to the point where I'm about to give up on everything. Give up on this forum. Give up on horses. Give up on my relationship. Give up on my job. Give up on my future. And give up on life. Give up on ever trying to be happy. I just don't know what to do anymore and just when I think things might be okay it all blows up in my face. Full out explosion. And why? Because I don't know. I'm never going to be good enough or smart enough to do anything but shovel crap the rest of my life which is pretty pathetic. I'm feeling really down. And nothing makes me feel better.

I know this won't help, but it's important to remember and you know deep inside that it's true. The most insideous thing about BPD is when you are down, good times seem like a distant memory even though they may have only been hours, days earlier. When we're down, we're really down and nothing seems like it will ever be right again. The same thing happens when we are in a good mood. When we are in a good mood, even though we don't experience them as often as we'd like, we are on top of the world as though nothing was ever wrong. This is part of the black and white thinking and it is horrible.

Just remember that the bad times don't last; it will turn around if given the time. Remember the BPD motto, so to speak: "Everything will pass." I know that doesn't help when you're caught in the middle; I know how horrible it can be, but take some comfort knowing that others understand.

[Britneigh]

Thank you maranara. I'm not doing ell at all. Probably should gk to the Ed. Thznks Everton for being there stay strung very one.

[poptart316]

I'm bored and have no energy.. my friend invited me to come see his band play tonight, I finally have an opportunity to DO something, but alas, I have no money or hardly any gas in my car and I'll be bummed if I don't drink.. he offered to give me some gas money and buy me a beer, I'm still thinking about it.

Originally Posted by poptart316

I'm bored and have no energy.. my friend invited me to come see his band play tonight, I finally have an opportunity to DO something, but alas, I have no money or hardly any gas in my car and I'll be bummed if I don't drink.. he offered to give me some gas money and buy me a beer, I'm still thinking about it.

GO!! If you don't you'll regret it and you might actually enjoy yourself. I know how I am...I'll go somewhere begrudingly, kicking and fighting, but once I've gone, I actually enjoy myself.

Feeling okay today but wondering how long it will last. I put a profile on OkCupid and have been talking to a really nice guy the last few days. Worries have been popping into my head: What if we meet and have nothing to talk about (because we're talking about it already)? I have nothing to actually wear on a date. I have no cute clothes period...I mean, I've not been keeping myself up at all. How would I go about dating a guy who has full custody of his child when I don't want kids at all, ever? I know I'm jumping way ahead of myself but... I just want to date someone like normal people do. And it's difficult for me to actually click with someone so when I do, I get all freaked out.

had a good weekend and Monday. Learned a crapload about modding a game. Learning something like this always boosts my mood. Now researching learning a new scripting language that is for the above game. without these kinds of activities, surely I would be bored out of my mind.

Originally Posted by Maranara

I can honestly say I had a good day. The best day I've had in months. I wish I knew what to do to keep it from evaporating. I need to relish it because there's no telling when it'll happen again, or when it will abruptly end.

Lasted about three days. Weird...I could actually feel myself coming down. Lonely, sad, depressed, want company, but also withdrawn.... Oh well, it happens.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by Maranara

GO!! If you don't you'll regret it and you might actually enjoy yourself. I know how I am...I'll go somewhere begrudingly, kicking and fighting, but once I've gone, I actually enjoy myself.

I went and had a pretty good time. Although I didn't care too much for the music, I'm not really into screamo.. but I can appreciate it on a technical level and always enjoy checking out different scenes. Everyone was really nice and guys wound up buying most of my drinks. It was also nice to see my friend.. he's shy/quiet like me but is really good at guitar.

[poptart316]

Originally Posted by misskeena

Feeling okay today but wondering how long it will last. I put a profile on OkCupid and have been talking to a really nice guy the last few days. Worries have been popping into my head: What if we meet and have nothing to talk about (because we're talking about it already)? I have nothing to actually wear on a date. I have no cute clothes period...I mean, I've not been keeping myself up at all. How would I go about dating a guy who has full custody of his child when I don't want kids at all, ever? I know I'm jumping way ahead of myself but... I just want to date someone like normal people do. And it's difficult for me to actually click with someone so when I do, I get all freaked out.

Why don't you go out and buy a nice outfit? As for the kid thing.. dating usually isn't all that serious to start, it's not like he's going to bring his kid around right away- if he did that'd be super weird. Just go out on a few dates and have fun.. try not to thing about the future, dating doesn't always mean commitment.

My son walked in the door from school very angry and started yelling and throwing things around, and I'm working, depressed, and volatile. I sounded like Bill Bixby, "don't get me angry, you won't like me angry", and meant every word of it.

[-Astral-]

Hi am new to this thread av just been diagnosed with BPD
Today i was feel like i needed to self injure
Am hearing voices at the moment They are telling me to kill myself and am scared i might start listening to them

[Jan1212]

I'm constantly hanging up on him and calling him back

I'm still sinking and I don't know how to pull myself up....

[wadingthruemotions]

Crappy, crappy and even more crappy. I started out eh so so just felt groggy and wayyy tired. That should have tipped me off that something was up cause it felt weird but I brushed it off thinking I was just tired.

Now much later I am reeling in anger at what I have no idea, just angry. Some for myself as always from my latest bad decision and stuff...But mostly just irritable, angry and downright get away from me is what I want to tell everyone. Grrrr

[poptart316]

I'm okay, I'm hungry.. I want manicotti. I have a boyfriend now, it feels weird.. I haven't had an actual boyfriend since I was 18, like I'm happy but also feel kinda anxious.

[greentires4me]

Yesterday I was not normal I was crying and seeing delusions it wasn't great with hallucinations kept looking up at ceiling and lights it was bad news. But today I feel much better no more looking at lights and auditory hallucinations for now so that's good.

[5678scream]

Checking in for the first time here in this thread... Had therapy yesterday and group today, I'm finally starting to talk in T and get something out of going instead of just going to a safe place for 50min in the middle of a f***'d up week. I'm feeling frustrated because I feel like so many of my issues are with how I grew up, but I can't remember hardly any of it just bits and pieces. I feel that if I could some how remember, then the pieces would fall into place, and I would have some answers, at least to why I am this way with BPD and social phobia that is. Then maybe I can see why all my peers hated me and ousted me in elementary school. Maybe start to face those fears some or at least come up with other more positive thoughts. So basically I'm frustrated and depressed.

I'm okay today except that my job makes me anxious. There's not much I can do about it; any job would make me anxious, it's just me being anxious and bored in general. I hate being there for 12 hours a day but the plus side is that I only have to be there three days a week and only every third weekend. If I worked somewhere else I wouldn't have that schedule. I have to take the good with the bad.

I'm here. I'll talk to people one-on-one if anyone cares to PM, but I'm not posting and I hope to stick with that for a while. I just have to get away.....

[BorderlineMess]

I've managed to drag myself to work today but I can barely concentrate on it. Misspelling words all the time, drifting off in thought, not remembering things.

I'm just so depressed. I wonder if I can make it to work tomorrow. Before coming into work today, I spent 4 days inside my apartment. Except for the few times a day I took my dog out, I never left. I was proud of myself on the days I took a shower. Managed to do the dishes, but couldn't take out the trash, even though I hate when it piles up. Thankfully, my roommate did it this time. I'm just at the "I don't give a ****" stage.

I'm actually telling people that I'm severely depressed. Like when I missed work. I used to just lie, say I was throwing up or something. The reactions to my depression are either "cheer up; it'll get better" or "what can I do to help?" **** if I know. All I know is that I'm taking my meds and have a scheduled appt with my psychologist next week. And that I'm fighting to stay out of the psych ward. I feel like getting to work is an enormous accomplishment that I should get a medal for. That's how hard it's getting.....*sigh*