[BrokenNBeautiful]

Originally Posted by chilekat2

I want to hide.I needed to go on a hike today and couldn't bring myself to do it. when my husband comes home from work he's going to grill me and harass me about if I went on a hike or not. I want him to come home and be nice and not even ask me about it.I just want to avoid this confrontation.

I needed to tell you that I relate to these feelings. I want to hide, too, and I often make plans for the day that I find I cannot carry out. Then I expect someone to be mean to me about this.

thanks again, I know it's hard.

Carol

I've decided I'm going to go to therapy tomorrow...

She wanted me to write my thoughts down so I will... I'm going to finally tell her about my long distance relationship and how helpless I was when she left me... and how it's been a month and I miss her so much and still try to contact her. I'm scared. Tomorrow's going to be so emotional, I bet. I really don't want to cry. Please wish me luck. I hope this goes well. I hope she doesn't think I'm weird. I hope she doesn't say anything that makes me upset. I just hope this goes well.

[greentires4me]

today I feel numb and depressed...I had A&D counselor appointment today we discussed my voices and my meds and how no one in the hospital listens to me nor does my pdoc how my rage just takes over and makes everything worse with the voices and I don't remember anything of it.

[Luctor]

Feeling okay. I'm too scared to say I'm feeling good because it's like as soon as I acknowledge it something bad will happen.

I'm angry, alone, and ashamed of myself today.

[tigersassy]

Starting to disassociate. Too much going on in head and outside of my head. This is going to be an interesting day. Already feel anger rising. Last time felt like this went into a blind rage. Going to try to stay grounded. Positive thoughts appreciated.

I am a relatively well educated person with a fairly large knowledge base, good writing skills, and a good work ethic, but despite all of that, when BPD makes me succumb to my emotions, my sense of abandonment, and my black and white thinking, my self-hatred, sense of humiliation, and utter defeatism are so great that it's difficult to see anything else. How can such things that, when thinking about it logically, seem like they would make little difference, completely control my life?

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I am a relatively well educated person with a fairly large knowledge base, good writing skills, and a good work ethic, but despite all of that, when BPD makes me succumb to my emotions, my sense of abandonment, and my black and white thinking, my self-hatred, sense of humiliation, and utter defeatism are so great that it's difficult to see anything else. How can such things that, when thinking about it logically, seem like they would make little difference, completely control my life?

Completely relate to this. I think from that stems some of my identity issues. Hoping you get some mellow time today.

.......nope, i'm not BPD. bpd is controlled by emotion. i am controlled by thoughts and ideas and theory and alternate timelines and what will this reaction cause if i go insane on someone...i am ruled by thinking about all sides of the story. i can't just jump to conclusions. i mean, i can, but the first three letters of assume are *** and my husband told me that when we first became friends, i think that's how i knew he was my soul mate...

but THIS...THIS POST...“That mythical creature called a female INTJ� | Lily White LeFevre

so...yeah. this is probably why i get so annoyed when i read things...

this is why i can't deal with women.

this is why i am so torn because i'm married but i relate to guys and am thus a "liability" according to the people around here. no such thing as a girl hanging out with a guy and there not be anything between them, according to EVERYONE in my area...unless she's a lesbian. which i'm not. so...**** me, eh?

but anyhoo...that's my realization of the day

DreamAddiction, with only one acception, all of my friends have always been guys. In college and slightly afterward, I lost all of them when they found significant others. I was no longer part of their equation.

Originally Posted by Maranara

DreamAddiction, with only one acception, all of my friends have always been guys. In college and slightly afterward, I lost all of them when they found significant others. I was no longer part of their equation.

yeah, mine abandoned me when i got married. blah. one of my husband's friends has a girlfriend who is a lot like me, and we get along okay, but i'm always scared i'll say something wrong so i don't talk to her as much as i probably could. same as on here, sorry (i don't do well purposefully reaching out to individuals.)

It's been a hard week. It seems every time I start feeling okay something happens that causes me to spiral downward again. I also believe I'm clinging too much to people and it's going to cause them to leave me.....again.

[Ultra Darkness]

Wierd. I can feel myself slowing down and sinking into emptiness. That was inevitable, I guess.

Didn't go to therapy. My friend ignored me today. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't need any friends. It just causes me pain.

I'm really down tonight. Feel like complaining. I don't want to be alone, I don't want to cling to people, I don't want to force people away by clinging. I don't...I don't...I don't...blah, blah, blah. I think I'm just gonna do a few of the other 9 traits tonight so I can get a little bit of self-indulgent temporary carnal satisfaction and go to sleep.. Bad me...I don't care. Maybe I'll be bad enough to prove my mother right. I don't fall off the edge frequently....Oh well.

[BrokenNBeautiful]

I got up too late again and the doctor's office was closed again; have to wait till Monday to call. (night schedule; got up at 4 when I meant to get up at 1.) Oh, well.

My thoughts again tried to plague me with "Carol, you loser. Why can't you do this right? blah blah blah."

I had trouble going out again, too. My anxiety and rage about having to sit near a bunch of young men on the buses is coming to a head. Ani wants to have me go thru a "graduated desensitization" on this.

I think it's because my anger at being abused is coming to a head. I am pretty sure it had turned into bpd by the time I became an adult. I pray by venting it safely and doing DBT it will get better.

safe weekend,

Carol

Originally Posted by BrokenNBeautiful

I got up too late again and the doctor's office was closed again; have to wait till Monday to call. (night schedule; got up at 4 when I meant to get up at 1.) Oh, well.

My thoughts again tried to plague me with "Carol, you loser. Why can't you do this right? blah blah blah."

I used to work nights. It's difficult sometimes to get up when you're supposed to. When I was in school, I overslept right through class a few times and missed handing in important work a couple of those times. Thankfully, I had understanding professors. Don't be so hard on yourself though; third shift is difficult.

Feeling good again today. Got some things done that needed to be done. Also got my hair cut and my nails done so that made me feel pretty good. Now I have to work all weekend (boo) but I have Monday and Tuesday off, so I'm looking forward to that.

[wadingthruemotions]

I am not as volatile or raging as i was.

I am a bunch of other things, but that is ok. This one didn't last as long as the last.

I did get some sleep. Lunesta maybe the answer then for me.

My headache finally went away so there is that.

I did get my hair did today, woot. I finally have enough hair again to have it styled. YAY

[poptart316]

Feeling sad. I exist and one day I will be nothing.. I think about this a lot, I think about how my cats/everyone I know or people I pass while driving will all be nothing one day.. everything is so pointless. Life is repetitive, I keep having the same conversations with people, no one has anything to say.. I feel like a dog chasing it's tail, going in circles.

Originally Posted by poptart316

Feeling sad. I exist and one day I will be nothing.. I think about this a lot, I think about how my cats/everyone I know or people I pass while driving will all be nothing one day.. everything is so pointless. Life is repetitive, I keep having the same conversations with people, no one has anything to say.. I feel like a dog chasing it's tail, going in circles.

meh, it's not the destination, it's the journey. should try to make the most of it so it won't seem so pointless.

feeling alright today. restarted a jacket i've been working on for what feels like a MONTH and it's going a lot faster, so yay...

i have work tonight and i dread it but it's money...

Originally Posted by poptart316

Feeling sad. I exist and one day I will be nothing.. I think about this a lot, I think about how my cats/everyone I know or people I pass while driving will all be nothing one day.. everything is so pointless. Life is repetitive, I keep having the same conversations with people, no one has anything to say.. I feel like a dog chasing it's tail, going in circles.

I think about this too. All the time.

[Luctor]

Feeling sad and alone. I yearn for physical intimacy with someone I love. I pine for the love I've lost. Gonna take my meds that, in all honesty, just numb the pain for brief periods. Maybe I'll get some sleep. Maybe I'll wake up feeling better tomorrow. A part of me wishes I'd never wake up again.

[greentires4me]

so today I woke up at 8:30 in the morning...the new drug I am taking makes me hallucinate so it make me believe I already went to the pharmacy which I have not...it make me believe that I already talked to rob and I hadn't its wacky do do stuff...