[allme]

Hi all, will try and make this quick. The last few days have been so good with mu hubby, he has been there for me and so understanding and we have been so happy. We have arrange to go to a gala in our village with 2 friends and I suggested my brother because he has no friends, only his gf who is working that day. My hubby simply said no he cant come. I asked why as I knew he would love it and he said its because he has tattoos on his neck and would make us look bad. Well I went crazy I started shouting and screaming right in his face for a good 30 mins.

We had planned stuff to do today because I have not been out of the house for nearly a month and told him last night I didn't want to go out today and to basically shove it. So I wake up today to find he has gone to play golf and left me in all by myself for the day knowing it would drive me crazy. I may have said I didn't want to go but he knows I didn't mean it.

So here I AM SITTING HERE LIVID. I am in ultra crazy mad mode and want to harm myself or just cut my arm or something to teach him or a lesson. I have even nearly asked my old T (who I kissed - long story) to be friend again on face book. Which is mad. I am mad. It may sound stupid to you all but believe me my hubby is being a **** doing this knowing it would have been ok when we both spoke this morning and could have gone out. WHen I called him he said well you're the one that said you didn't want to go but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR he knows I didn't mean it.

Please help me I need to calm down I am thinking of doing really stupid stuff to pay him a lesson. I am in crazy mode. I feel like cancelling his car insurance and throwing out his clothes or doing something to get back at him. Pls help me stop and chill out

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Allme, I command you to stop this tantrum right this minute!!!! Seriously, take a deep breath and just take a minute. Anything you do at this time, in this mood, will only be counter-productive...one thing that I learned to do in DBT to regulate my emotions when I feel like cutting, etc., is to hold ice cubes in my hands. If gives me the same kind of release that some other behaviors do, without actually harming myself. Can you try that?

[allme]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Allme, I command you to stop this tantrum right this minute!!!! Seriously, take a deep breath and just take a minute. Anything you do at this time, in this mood, will only be counter-productive...one thing that I learned to do in DBT to regulate my emotions when I feel like cutting, etc., is to hold ice cubes in my hands. If gives me the same kind of release that some other behaviors do, without actually harming myself. Can you try that?

Thanks but I just feel like doing it to teach him a lesson....he has to learn he can't treat me like this, I think I am a control freak and the fact he has turned off his phone and not telling me when he will be back is driving me nuts and I feel in such a panic. I am doing that thing again where I press redial over and over again .....I did it for2 hours and than I came here but unless I keep redialling I feel really panicy

[allme]

Arrghhh now I have just sent a load of abusive messages I cant stop calling him but his phone is still fricking off it is driving me to despair

[gayleggg]

Yes, definitely stop the tantrum. Accept that you have played a major part in this fiasco of a day. Take a deep breath. Harming yourself will only do that, harm you. The ice cube idea sounds like a good idea. I'm sure there are other coping manners that you can use as well. Hope you manage to calm yourself down in a safe manner and take this as lesson to not say things you don't mean.

[allme]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Yes, definitely stop the tantrum. Accept that you have played a major part in this fiasco of a day. Take a deep breath. Harming yourself will only do that, harm you. The ice cube idea sounds like a good idea. I'm sure there are other coping manners that you can use as well. Hope you manage to calm yourself down in a safe manner and take this as lesson to not say things you don't mean.

But at the time I mean them. Once I have clamed down I know I don't mean it. And he knows that Or am I just being a brat?

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by allme

Thanks but I just feel like doing it to teach him a lesson....he has to learn he can't treat me like this, I think I am a control freak and the fact he has turned off his phone and not telling me when he will be back is driving me nuts and I feel in such a panic. I am doing that thing again where I press redial over and over again .....I did it for2 hours and than I came here but unless I keep redialling I feel really panicy

How is he treating you? Really? Stop and think about how you might be treating him. I learned a long time ago that people are not going to beg me to do things with them. If I want to do something I need to say yes and do it. I also have learned that no matter how much I think that people should know what I mean, they cannot read my mind. Find something to do other than hitting that redial button to relieve the panic. I know that you can. You've been around here awhile, surely there is something in your toolbelt that you can use? I know it's hard, I really, really do, and my heart just breaks for you because I have been right where you are. Try, allme, try.

[allme]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

How is he treating you? Really? Stop and think about how you might be treating him. I learned a long time ago that people are not going to beg me to do things with them. If I want to do something I need to say yes and do it. I also have learned that no matter how much I think that people should know what I mean, they cannot read my mind. Find something to do other than hitting that redial button to relieve the panic. I know that you can. You've been around here awhile, surely there is something in your toolbelt that you can use? I know it's hard, I really, really do, and my heart just breaks for you because I have been right where you are. Try, allme, try.

Ok I will try thank you. It's trued I guess I shouldn't of said that...even if angry I just say the most stupid stuff when I am angry. I even insulted his family so no wonder he is p***** off with me I don't mean it though it just comes out of me before I realise I am even saying it. I need to learn to walk away but I can't walk away ah the anhger becomes more intense I have to say something or I feel like I will explode or something. It is so very intense. On a good day, I am a lovely person and I believe that is who I am but on an angry day I am HORRID. And I hate this side of me. I still don't know how to cope with my anger.

Originally Posted by allme

Hi all, will try and make this quick. The last few days have been so good with mu hubby, he has been there for me and so understanding and we have been so happy. We have arrange to go to a gala in our village with 2 friends and I suggested my brother because he has no friends, only his gf who is working that day. My hubby simply said no he cant come. I asked why as I knew he would love it and he said its because he has tattoos on his neck and would make us look bad. Well I went crazy I started shouting and screaming right in his face for a good 30 mins.

We had planned stuff to do today because I have not been out of the house for nearly a month and told him last night I didn't want to go out today and to basically shove it. So I wake up today to find he has gone to play golf and left me in all by myself for the day knowing it would drive me crazy. I may have said I didn't want to go but he knows I didn't mean it.

So here I AM SITTING HERE LIVID. I am in ultra crazy mad mode and want to harm myself or just cut my arm or something to teach him or a lesson. I have even nearly asked my old T (who I kissed - long story) to be friend again on face book. Which is mad. I am mad. It may sound stupid to you all but believe me my hubby is being a **** doing this knowing it would have been ok when we both spoke this morning and could have gone out. WHen I called him he said well you're the one that said you didn't want to go but GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR he knows I didn't mean it.

Please help me I need to calm down I am thinking of doing really stupid stuff to pay him a lesson. I am in crazy mode. I feel like cancelling his car insurance and throwing out his clothes or doing something to get back at him. Pls help me stop and chill out

I know you are right that he knows better that you didn't mean it but I won't side with either you or him on the fact that he went. To his credit, sometimes people like us need to be "called" on our behaviors like this. We act out for a reason and say/do things we dont' mean, sometimes, god forbid even to actually 'test' the other person or get a reaction. I only say this because frankly I know I have done it, so I'm not judging you. But truth be told it may be good for you that he is willing to call you on these things at times. It pisses you off just the same I know but when you get a chance to step back think about this. I hate being called on my bad behavior but I always know that its good for me in the end. I hope you can calm down and see this.

On the tattoo thing, I'll be honest, that made him look like an *** if you ask me. I know he's probably not an all around jerk, I know you care for him but that is a ******, judgemental and discriminating thing to say. he's your brother for goodness sakes! I personally stand behind you in your outrage. I mean to shun someone not only because tattoos are commonplace today but because they might make you look bad? God. That was very egotistical and I hope you keep standing up for your brother. I would.

[Luvmydog]

Originally Posted by allme

Ok I will try thank you. It's trued I guess I shouldn't of said that...even if angry I just say the most stupid stuff when I am angry. I even insulted his family so no wonder he is p***** off with me I don't mean it though it just comes out of me before I realise I am even saying it. I need to learn to walk away but I can't walk away ah the anhger becomes more intense I have to say something or I feel like I will explode or something. It is so very intense. On a good day, I am a lovely person and I believe that is who I am but on an angry day I am HORRID. And I hate this side of me. I still don't know how to cope with my anger.

One thing that has helped me in the past, and it isn't easy to start to do, is instead of losing control with the other person (usually my wife), I will admit that I am angry or frustrated. For me, it has helped to keep the outbursts at bay, because my wife and I wind up talking about it instead of me having a session of yelling at her.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by allme

Ok I will try thank you. It's trued I guess I shouldn't of said that...even if angry I just say the most stupid stuff when I am angry. I even insulted his family so no wonder he is p***** off with me I don't mean it though it just comes out of me before I realise I am even saying it. I need to learn to walk away but I can't walk away ah the anhger becomes more intense I have to say something or I feel like I will explode or something. It is so very intense. On a good day, I am a lovely person and I believe that is who I am but on an angry day I am HORRID. And I hate this side of me. I still don't know how to cope with my anger.

That's part of BPD. And learning to regulate those stong emotions is not easy. There is a DBT Workbook available on Amazon that has helped me a lot with this, even in the absence of a T trained in the technique. If you are not familiar with DBT you can read more about it on this site. One of the hardest things that I had to learn was that I needed to change my behaviors, not expect people to accept them because "that's just how I am". Lots and Lots of hugs coming your way from across the pond.

[allme]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

That's part of BPD. And learning to regulate those stong emotions is not easy. There is a DBT Workbook available on Amazon that has helped me a lot with this, even in the absence of a T trained in the technique. If you are not familiar with DBT you can read more about it on this site. One of the hardest things that I had to learn was that I needed to change my behaviors, not expect people to accept them because "that's just how I am". Lots and Lots of hugs coming your way from across the pond.

I have never looked into DBT or what it is about. I will give it a look, thank you

[allme]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I know you are right that he knows better that you didn't mean it but I won't side with either you or him on the fact that he went. To his credit, sometimes people like us need to be "called" on our behaviors like this. We act out for a reason and say/do things we dont' mean, sometimes, god forbid even to actually 'test' the other person or get a reaction. I only say this because frankly I know I have done it, so I'm not judging you. But truth be told it may be good for you that he is willing to call you on these things at times. It pisses you off just the same I know but when you get a chance to step back think about this. I hate being called on my bad behavior but I always know that its good for me in the end. I hope you can calm down and see this.

On the tattoo thing, I'll be honest, that made him look like an *** if you ask me. I know he's probably not an all around jerk, I know you care for him but that is a ******, judgemental and discriminating thing to say. he's your brother for goodness sakes! I personally stand behind you in your outrage. I mean to shun someone not only because tattoos are commonplace today but because they might make you look bad? God. That was very egotistical and I hope you keep standing up for your brother. I would.

Yeah I thought it was a terrible thing for his to say, TBH he is a lovely guy but when it comes to my brother he is a moron. By bro has done some bad things in his past, been violent, on drugs, theft, etc but since he came off the drugs he turned into the little brother I once knew and had. My hubby can't seem to grasp that he has changed! But he so has. He has his own place and a manager at a construction site now doing really well for himself. I hate to remind my hubby he wasn't such a good guy when he was an alcoholic and did terrible things...he seems to forget that

[poptart316]

I'm sorry that you're feeling so angry. Try to calm down and simply give your hubby some space and let things blow over and try to talk about thing when you aren't so angry.

[allme]

Originally Posted by poptart316

I'm sorry that you're feeling so angry. Try to calm down and simply give your hubby some space and let things blow over and try to talk about thing when you aren't so angry.

Thanks....too late for that now, he came home and I lost control. Have a sense of calm now though. It seems the only way I can calm down is to let rip at someone. It is totally unhealthy and wish so much I could be different. This is something I want to concentrate on when in therapy.

The ice cube thing actually works--I've tried it multiple times. You squeeze those little cold suckers like your life depends on it and the cold kind of hurts your hands but it focuses your thoughts for the moment and redirects them from flying all over the place. I know it's a little late right now, but for the future...

[UnderTheRose]

My t recommended the ice cube therapy to me
I'm only in the Core Mindfulness part of DBT, but even that is helping me a lot. I hate my temper.

[frippet]

I do the exact same behaviour. I hate that I do it too. I have had great success recently with the ice cubes. It works great for me. I have a million and 1 stories of how I punished my hubby for "his reactions" to me. He makes me accountable for my own tantrums, outbursts etc. I hate that as well, but yet I appreciate that he isn't my doormat. It can be a miserable place to be, in that head of ours. Hugs and watch a good movie, something that will change the focus so you lose track of time. After the ice cubes though. I thought that sounded stupid until I tried it

[allme]

Originally Posted by frippet

I do the exact same behaviour. I hate that I do it too. I have had great success recently with the ice cubes. It works great for me. I have a million and 1 stories of how I punished my hubby for "his reactions" to me. He makes me accountable for my own tantrums, outbursts etc. I hate that as well, but yet I appreciate that he isn't my doormat. It can be a miserable place to be, in that head of ours. Hugs and watch a good movie, something that will change the focus so you lose track of time. After the ice cubes though. I thought that sounded stupid until I tried it

I will for sure try the ice cube thing next time!

Well my hubby told me today whatever I say in anger he will take me up on .....felt frustrated when he said that but I kind of appreciate it too. The thing is, I really do need to take responsibility...I act as though there are no consequences for my actions and there usually always are.