[GeorgiaGirl413]

I see lots of posts on here by people complaining that they have no friends. I am not blessed with an overabundance of them either. But as I read some of these posts I am struck with how people seem to go on and on about what they want from others, but never talk about what THEY can bring to the friendship. As with all relationships, friendships go two ways. There's a saying, howeve trite, that says, "to have a friend, you need to be a friend". I have been trying to think about what I can do to BE a better friend to others, and then how can I put that into action. I think one of the things that I can do is to be a better listener. I am not the only one who has issues. Instead of just "dumping" all the time, perhaps I need to be more willing to be the "dumspter." Just some thoughts.

[Maranara]

I am trying to be friends. It is very hard for me to let people close enough to get to that point, and then I cling to them. I also have a tendancy of putting all of my attention on one or two friends and discounting the rest of them. I know a lot of people around here consider me a friend but I have a hard time accepting that a lot of the time. I am attempting to stop doing this. They are all important and most of my friends could use me as a friend as well.

I believe I'm an okay listener though I do my share of dumping as well. I have no one to dump on in the "real world" and this place is my only outlet. When a person becomes a "real friend", whatever that is, can't really put a definition on it, I'll do anything for them, bend over backwards, to the point of hurting myself. Yep, there's the black and white thinking for sure. I either ignore and discount or I smother you....sigh. At least I don't push too much anymore. I guess that's a good thing....and at least I'm aware of what I'm doing and what it happening. For a long, long time, I didn't have a clue.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I see lots of posts on here by people complaining that they have no friends. I am not blessed with an overabundance of them either. But as I read some of these posts I am struck with how people seem to go on and on about what they want from others, but never talk about what THEY can bring to the friendship. As with all relationships, friendships go two ways. There's a saying, howeve trite, that says, "to have a friend, you need to be a friend". I have been trying to think about what I can do to BE a better friend to others, and then how can I put that into action. I think one of the things that I can do is to be a better listener. I am not the only one who has issues. Instead of just "dumping" all the time, perhaps I need to be more willing to be the "dumspter." Just some thoughts.

Very insightful tbh, GGirl it is very true in that people (not just here) look for what they can get from others and I think this is human nature too.. but it's not only a good way for those that have few friends to think but general way to think in life itself no matter your disorder!

Idk if you're asking this but I guess I will add it anyway. When I think about what I can bring to any relationship, I know that I tend to be a bit more laid back than many people in many ways... I know that on more than a few occasions I've been there for people as a listening ear and sometimes I give good advice. Although I take life very seriously a bit of the time, I have a fun side that can (try to) be funny, and just "mess around" sometimes, joking and laughing which for me at least is very important in a friendship. That's all I'm saying though.. for fear of sounding "inflated" about myself which I don't think I am

[Ultra Darkness]

@s4: Honesty isn't bragging.

This does make a good point though. I mean, why would you want to be friends with someone you don't know?

I'd offer my traits as a friend, but I'm afraid it depends on the person. I can be serious, silly, encouraging, etc. But my behavior depends on the personality of whoever I'm interacting with.

I guess the best I can say is that I react to people as individuals and not based on some group (ethnic, cultural, whatever).

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Very insightful tbh, GGirl it is very true in that people (not just here) look for what they can get from others and I think this is human nature too.. but it's not only a good way for those that have few friends to think but general way to think in life itself no matter your disorder!

Idk if you're asking this but I guess I will add it anyway. When I think about what I can bring to any relationship, I know that I tend to be a bit more laid back than many people in many ways... I know that on more than a few occasions I've been there for people as a listening ear and sometimes I give good advice. Although I take life very seriously a bit of the time, I have a fun side that can (try to) be funny, and just "mess around" sometimes, joking and laughing which for me at least is very important in a friendship. That's all I'm saying though.. for fear of sounding "inflated" about myself which I don't think I am

I enjoy "playing around" and am usually not too bad at it, but I'm at a point where it's sometimes difficult. I think I can contribute to a light-hearted conversation once it's initiated and such, but the ingenuity just isn't there right now to come up with things spontaneously. Hopefully that will change as my situation changes. I've changed a lot in the last few months, and I don't like most of it.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I am trying to be friends. It is very hard for me to let people close enough to get to that point, and then I cling to them. I also have a tendancy of putting all of my attention on one or two friends and discounting the rest of them. I know a lot of people around here consider me a friend but I have a hard time accepting that a lot of the time. I am attempting to stop doing this. They are all important and most of my friends could use me as a friend as well.

I believe I'm an okay listener though I do my share of dumping as well. I have no one to dump on in the "real world" and this place is my only outlet. When a person becomes a "real friend", whatever that is, can't really put a definition on it, I'll do anything for them, bend over backwards, to the point of hurting myself. Yep, there's the black and white thinking for sure. I either ignore and discount or I smother you....sigh. At least I don't push too much anymore. I guess that's a good thing....and at least I'm aware of what I'm doing and what it happening. For a long, long time, I didn't have a clue.

I do the exact same thing. I just wonder if we can help each other here by working on ways that we can improve our relationships rather than just "venting" or "complaining" or whatever we want to call it, and then assuring each other that we all do the same thing... It does help to know that I am not the only one, but I sure would like to be able to have the kind of relationships that I see other people have, or at least perceive that they have. Again, just some thoughts.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

Very insightful tbh, GGirl it is very true in that people (not just here) look for what they can get from others and I think this is human nature too.. but it's not only a good way for those that have few friends to think but general way to think in life itself no matter your disorder!

Idk if you're asking this but I guess I will add it anyway. When I think about what I can bring to any relationship, I know that I tend to be a bit more laid back than many people in many ways... I know that on more than a few occasions I've been there for people as a listening ear and sometimes I give good advice. Although I take life very seriously a bit of the time, I have a fun side that can (try to) be funny, and just "mess around" sometimes, joking and laughing which for me at least is very important in a friendship. That's all I'm saying though.. for fear of sounding "inflated" about myself which I don't think I am

I'm not sure what I was asking really, just some random thoughts that were running through my head. But I'm glad that you could define very clearly what it is that you have to bring to a relationship. I can't really do that. My thoughts are mostly that it's no wonder folks don't want to be my friend. I have nothing to bring to the table. I know that's my "protector" talking and not my core-self, but nonetheless, those are my thoughts. Guess I just wanted to know what others thought about the subject. Thanks for your response.

[Maranara]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I do the exact same thing. I just wonder if we can help each other here by working on ways that we can improve our relationships rather than just "venting" or "complaining" or whatever we want to call it, and then assuring each other that we all do the same thing... It does help to know that I am not the only one, but I sure would like to be able to have the kind of relationships that I see other people have, or at least perceive that they have. Again, just some thoughts.

I am more than willing to try. I'll talk to anyone and keep in touch with a few. I just don't know how "friendly" I can be....starting a bit of a downward slide today. Sorry. Will work on it though; not trying to discount you at all.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Ultra Darkness

@s4: Honesty isn't bragging.

This does make a good point though. I mean, why would you want to be friends with someone you don't know?

I'd offer my traits as a friend, but I'm afraid it depends on the person. I can be serious, silly, encouraging, etc. But my behavior depends on the personality of whoever I'm interacting with.

I guess the best I can say is that I react to people as individuals and not based on some group (ethnic, cultural, whatever).

You do need to know someone to decide if you want to be their friend. My trouble is, I know lots of people (acquaintances I call them) and some of them I would like to be friends with. But I consider my own self to be so difficult that I never make the effort. Then feel myself getting resentful because "they don't want to be my friend". Truth be told, I'm not sure I know how to be a friend.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by Maranara

I am more than willing to try. I'll talk to anyone and keep in touch with a few. I just don't know how "friendly" I can be....starting a bit of a downward slide today. Sorry. Will work on it though; not trying to discount you at all.

Sorry you are on that slide. Hope you feel better soon. And I love being able to talk and share with folks here. But. for me, when I spend too much time here (and on some other social media sites) it is just a different way of isolating myself.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I'm not sure what I was asking really, just some random thoughts that were running through my head. But I'm glad that you could define very clearly what it is that you have to bring to a relationship. I can't really do that. My thoughts are mostly that it's no wonder folks don't want to be my friend. I have nothing to bring to the table. I know that's my "protector" talking and not my core-self, but nonetheless, those are my thoughts. Guess I just wanted to know what others thought about the subject. Thanks for your response.

first thing I can tell is that you bring to the table the fact that you are probably an empathetic person and care about others. it shows in your posts and you bring wisdom. I can tell you have quite a bit of insight into things.. I think that .. guessing from your reactions here that you're not necessarly a high strung person and probably a bit laid back and take things mostly pretty well. That's a good trait to bring into a relationship too Just remember with every negative trait you can think of about yourself, there is always a positive that it also brings. Like Assertiveness turns into control in a negative way. obsessive people can be very passionate. etc etc.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

You do need to know someone to decide if you want to be their friend. My trouble is, I know lots of people (acquaintances I call them) and some of them I would like to be friends with. But I consider my own self to be so difficult that I never make the effort. Then feel myself getting resentful because "they don't want to be my friend". Truth be told, I'm not sure I know how to be a friend.

I think also it's a balance. Not just what you bring but what you see in the other person/like about them.. but it's both. I think what GG seems to be saying here is that it's good not to be all one sided and see what you can get out of it but also think about what you can give too.

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

I see lots of posts on here by people complaining that they have no friends. I am not blessed with an overabundance of them either. But as I read some of these posts I am struck with how people seem to go on and on about what they want from others, but never talk about what THEY can bring to the friendship. As with all relationships, friendships go two ways. There's a saying, howeve trite, that says, "to have a friend, you need to be a friend". I have been trying to think about what I can do to BE a better friend to others, and then how can I put that into action. I think one of the things that I can do is to be a better listener. I am not the only one who has issues. Instead of just "dumping" all the time, perhaps I need to be more willing to be the "dumspter." Just some thoughts.

I've always been taught to have a friend I have to be a friend, to be loved, I have to be lovable, to be trusted I have to be trustworthy.

[GeorgiaGirl413]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

first thing I can tell is that you bring to the table the fact that you are probably an empathetic person and care about others. it shows in your posts and you bring wisdom. I can tell you have quite a bit of insight into things.. I think that .. guessing from your reactions here that you're not necessarly a high strung person and probably a bit laid back and take things mostly pretty well. That's a good trait to bring into a relationship too Just remember with every negative trait you can think of about yourself, there is always a positive that it also brings. Like Assertiveness turns into control in a negative way. obsessive people can be very passionate. etc etc.

Thanks, Sandman

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Thanks, Sandman

You're very welcome

[poptart316]

I don't have very many friends.. I have a few internet friends who I talk to, but it's usually one-sided with me complaining or going off on emotional tangents. I don't hang out with them.. some of them live in other states, the others are just too wrapped in their own lives and have girlfriends- their all men. I have 3 maybe 4 real life friends.. one friend I've known since high school, I hang out with her the most but not too often.. then there's a guy friend I've known since I was 17 who I hang out with sometimes and another girl I hang out with very infrequently then my ex who is supposedly my friend now. I'm pretty calm and laid back in-person and don't really complain... I'm not really sure what I have to give in friendships, I think I'm pretty boring.. although my friend Danny disagrees, he says I like to do a lot of cool things even though I'm quiet. I don't think my friends and I get overly emotional with each other or look for advice or anything like that.. we just hang out sometimes. I wish I had more friends/hung out with people more often.

[Harmacy]

My problem is that I tend to get hung up on one person and then go all out with giving them my attention, looking out for their needs etc. I do think I'm a good friend but unfortunately I can overload people and put them off. I know I should keep things lighter but I can't seem to help it. Just when I think I've got the balance right, something will come along and throw me into emotional free fall.

I've noticed that people who have lots of friends often don't seem to try. It just happens naturally. I think probably as a result of discovering things they have in common. Where I work for instance lots of people talk about sports (a subject I have zero interest in) and naturally then move on to being social and joking around. I'm more introverted and prefer talking about deeper emotional stuff which people aren't usually keen on launching right into so I probably come across as a bit odd and intense.

I think maybe the problem is that I don't meet enough people I want to be friends with. Which could also be why I go overboard when I do meet someone I like.

[LadyShadow]

Originally Posted by GeorgiaGirl413

Sorry you are on that slide. Hope you feel better soon. And I love being able to talk and share with folks here. But. for me, when I spend too much time here (and on some other social media sites) it is just a different way of isolating myself.

I completely agree with this. I am a better online friend than I am in real life. I put myself online because I cannot handle social interaction in person. But it is hard for me to have lasting relationships because I'm a "fly by night" type of friend. I am there when needed in the moment. If I see a thread where someone is in pain and I can help, I add my two cents and offer my help, or if I am online and I am chatting with someone I can chat with that same person all night.

But the next day, or a month from now, POOF I am gone. I can't maintain friendships because I have a problem with commitment on any level.