The BPD Daily Check in Thread #3

beloiseau · Jan 16, 2014, 08:48 PM

Had three job interviews in the past two days...emotionally exhausted, because I feel like I am not being authentic when in a job interview. I don't think anyone is, we're all trying to put our best foot forward, but it still feels fake. I'm just trying to deal with the anxiety / self-criticism aftermath...I have a shadowing experience on Tuesday and another interview on Wednesday, and hopefully I get called for second interviews for the other two. It's just a waiting game, and I'm so bad at waiting...I want everything done yesterday.

Jan 17, 2014, 10:42 AM

I will probably end up buying a bottle of vodka on my way home tonight and drinking it later. Maybe I will SI too but thats not as definite as the drinking. I'm not really sure what's wrong with me today....just a bad day I guess....

Bubbles&Buttercup · Jan 17, 2014, 11:13 AM

I keep yelling at people and then next minute I'm in the bathroom crying. I don't know what I want or need right now but this isn't working.

hawaii04 · Jan 17, 2014, 01:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Espresso

Today wasn't great. I feel like a bad parent. I thought I was doing everything that needed to be done for the baby, but apparently she needs more. This just makes me hate myself more.

Try not to be too hard on yourself. At times little one's seem not to be able to get enough . . . that doesn't automatically mean it's you.

Maranara · Jan 17, 2014, 03:49 PM

Fighting another guilt trip....tired of allowing my emotions to be controlled by others....day 7.

beloiseau · Jan 18, 2014, 09:55 AM

Giving in to mood dependent behavior... Weekends are so hard

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Bubbles&Buttercup · Jan 18, 2014, 12:12 PM

So I've been off my antidepressants for 2 days now. I feel like I'm going to throw up and pass out and I can't stop crying and the immense depression is about to crush me.

Maranara · Jan 18, 2014, 04:24 PM

Very anxious at the moment. I hate it when I feel guilty for other people's actions...I know better. Day 8.

Bubbles&Buttercup · Jan 18, 2014, 11:51 PM

Withdrawal symptoms have gotten really bad. I can hardly move.

shezbut · Jan 19, 2014, 03:08 AM

I feel stuck on a merry-go-round, and right now it's not so peaceful and fun.

Jan 19, 2014, 06:08 AM

alone since friday

tired of crying..been awake since 2 am.
I miss the puppy

I cant believe he just took her...

he says hes sorry...bs.

why why why...i will never know yet i spend so much time thinking of the why's of life. of people . of the choices being made. why.

i hate him and want him gone nd am glad hes been gone since friday and i miss him and love him and wish i could make us perfect and happy together.

I hate bpd..i hate myself. i hate everyone. im lonley...

Jan 19, 2014, 06:30 AM

Feel numb.

Maranara · Jan 19, 2014, 10:17 AM

My thinking is starting to take over, starting to think irrationally, feel scared of everything. Feel alone, wished there was some way I could talk to people and look at people I only know virtually face to face but I'm too scared even if I made it possible. Scared of life. Sorry...probably gonna get worse before it gets better.....day 9.

Bubbles&Buttercup · Jan 19, 2014, 10:22 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maranara

My thinking is starting to take over, starting to think irrationally, feel scared of everything. Feel alone, wished there was some way I could talk to people and look at people I only know virtually face to face but I'm too scared even if I made it possible. Scared of life. Sorry...probably gonna get worse before it gets better.....day 9.

Stay strong!
Not much longer to go until you get a little break. I really love seeing that you are still powering through even if it's a struggle.

Maranara · Jan 19, 2014, 10:54 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Bubbles&Buttercup

Stay strong!
Not much longer to go until you get a little break. I really love seeing that you are still powering through even if it's a struggle.

I work a completely monotonous, boring job that requires too much constant brain power to do anything else except think way too much which allows the paranoia and others "nasties" to settle in. I am trying to start an at-home business to break away from it, but I've had very little time to work on it. I do thank you for your encouragement. I'm sure I'll be okay in the end, but the next few days are going to be hell.

youwillrise · Jan 19, 2014, 11:05 AM

im pretty okay, i guess. have only been out of bed to pee. still yawning even though ive been awake for quite a while and went to sleep the earliest i have in weeks. my body just doesnt want to wake up.

theres just so much going on. im working full time, starting a bachelor's program on tuesday, looking for a 2nd job because i cant afford anything, looking for a pdoc...these are all things i need, but can i handle them all? im a champion quitter...at everything.

i deleted my facebook yesterday.

Emrys · Jan 19, 2014, 11:45 AM

I'm doing better than I was yesterday. I'm feeling a little more positive, and I've managed to climb out of bed and turn the light in my room on.

Unfortunately I have to do things today, so that kind of sucks.

Bubbles&Buttercup · Jan 19, 2014, 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Maranara

I work a completely monotonous, boring job that requires too much constant brain power to do anything else except think way too much which allows the paranoia and others "nasties" to settle in. I am trying to start an at-home business to break away from it, but I've had very little time to work on it. I do thank you for your encouragement. I'm sure I'll be okay in the end, but the next few days are going to be hell.

Well I hope the next few days go alright! I know how horrible it can be when the negative thoughts take over, it's so hard to control it in jobs like that! You sound like you're doing amazingly though, super impressed.
With some luck you'll get more of a chance to work on your business soon!!

beloiseau · Jan 19, 2014, 06:54 PM

I am coping with extreme emotions... It's so hard because I have the interminable sense of emptiness and boredom lately. I can't distract with anything. I'm just so on edge, I don't know how long I can go without self injury. I've been very good at not buying any alcohol...wish I would have so I could make the night go faster. Friends don't want to make plans with me or are too busy, so I'm always alone. It's hard to see a light at the end of the day.

youwillrise · Jan 19, 2014, 07:58 PM

i think there might be good news in the way of a 2nd job. ive been in email contact with a childcare center that is opening this summer. they mentioned that they were interested in conducting a phone interview with me. i like that it would start in summer because i am off of my regular job in summers, so id be available full time and then i would be available part time during the school year. they are also open 7 days a week, so weekend work would be great

ive been asking lots of questions. theyre probably sick of hearing from me ha.

but man, with bills, tuition, etc...things are getting so financially crazy for me! hope it works out!

Maranara · Jan 19, 2014, 08:07 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by beloiseau

I am coping with extreme emotions... It's so hard because I have the interminable sense of emptiness and boredom lately. I can't distract with anything. I'm just so on edge, I don't know how long I can go without self injury. I've been very good at not buying any alcohol...wish I would have so I could make the night go faster. Friends don't want to make plans with me or are too busy, so I'm always alone. It's hard to see a light at the end of the day.

I know this is isn't a cure-all, but it has helped me. Brainstorm a list of things to do....anything you've always wanted to do but never made the time for: projects to get involved in, books to read, places not too far from home to visit, stores you want to just window shop at, movies you've been wanting to see....whatever. Then, everyday, before the day actually starts, write a list of things to do that day, a "chore" list so to speak, and get to doing them! Break things down in to indivudual tasks as much as you can, and as the big stuff gets done, check it off the master list. As the day goes on, focus on your "chore" list as though you really need to do those things, but don't kick yourself if they don't get done; just put the extras on the next day's list. As you check things off, you'll feel a sense of accomplishment and maybe you can aleviate that boredom a little. Give it a try. Now it won't work everyday or necessarily for the entire day, but if it helps at all, it's an accomplishment. Give it a try.