I'm home, and it went well!

[Aphrodites_Muse]

Arguing with my ex/current partner. Idk what we are exactly at this point. I love her so much, but then I feel our past already has too many scars to truly move forward. The fighting must stop. I can't go back to that dark place.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by Maranara

Those of you who live in the North and have no difficulties with it, I'm impressed and I wish I was you. Last year it was unique and I was able to struggle through, but this year is another story. I find myself getting depressed over something I can do nothing about; yet another thing to add to my "trapped" feeling. I wish I hadn't been so impulsive and still lived "home" in Florida.

I have a S.A.D. light that helps when I remember to use it. Generally we have a lot of sunlight here but lately it has been grey and I have not been getting out.

[Maranara]

I'm feeling okay but my head is telling me I shouldn't. Fighting the internal struggle.

[technigal]

Made shortbread cookies this morning. They turned out perfect and so I am in a pretty happy place. Making cookies with the boy later...see how that turns out.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by technigal

Made shortbread cookies this morning. They turned out perfect and so I am in a pretty happy place. Making cookies with the boy later...see how that turns out.

How ambitious of you. I could never do that in the morning. I love making them though ~ and with your son later...even better yet. Enjoy!

[technigal]

Originally Posted by hawaii04

How ambitious of you. I could never do that in the morning. I love making them though ~ and with your son later...even better yet. Enjoy!

Well, I started making the cookies at 10 am so not early morning. Tonight we are using a mix, I wanted to make gingerbread cookies but Target was out so more shortbread but will cut them into shapes this time.

Having a bad day today. The depression is taking over and with it comes stronger urges to SI which I've been fighting for weeks now. For now I'm just hiding in bed

Feeling ****** ( what else is new) trying to put on a Brave face for the kids. Still need to buy some more presents. Giving them things always makes me feel really good.
Still dealing with my on/off relationship. I told him I was done, again. He's trying to act like nothing. I don't wanna fight but I'm tired of being disrespected with his player ways. Can't handle another blow up right now.
One day at a time.
My goal -Let me make it to Christmas without a breakdown.

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how am I doing? I'm at work. I'm pretty reserved about letting anything out at work and here I am crying my f**king eyes out at work. I can't get any lower. Unless I were dead... that's not a suicidal remark.

[hawaii04]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

how am I doing? I'm at work. I'm pretty reserved about letting anything out at work and here I am crying my f**king eyes out at work. I can't get any lower. Unless I were dead... that's not a suicidal remark.

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Crying is so much better an outlet than some other things, but I know how you feel being at work. Hope your day is improving for you ....

Originally Posted by hawaii04

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. Crying is so much better an outlet than some other things, but I know how you feel being at work. Hope your day is improving for you ....

it comes and goes. Heartbreaks never seem to go away fast enough.

[ShatteredOne]

Feeling frustrated with this site. Can't figure out a few things. Otherwise, relatively happy for once. Been going to many NA meetings and being around people. The panic attacks have stopped. Tonite is my "women's group" that consists of NA women, but we talk about anything and everything. It's one of the few places I feel safe with other people. I've cried (unwillingingly, lol) in front of them a few times & they have been kind, gentle, and supportive, and wanted nothing from me. What a concept.

[technigal]

Ugh! Appointments and bad weather... today I saw my family doc (GP) for my regular meds, tomorrow is CBT, Wednesday is my pdoc and Thursday is the boy's appointment with the learning and development clinic. The weather is horrible, they are calling for more freezing rain, the sidewalks are already a mess, my knees cannot handle another fall... so my day sucks!

[allme]

Day 2 and drug free

[rabbit13]

Originally Posted by Anonymous327401

New thread other has reached 100 pages.

My therapist said I am very Avoidant, This is actually a PD isn't it?

It can be.

[technigal]

Didn't go to CBT again this week still too upset from yesterday's panic attack. I was cooking supper and the burner went on fire, at one point I thought I was going to have to call 911 but right after that burst of flames it was over. No idea what caused the fire but it did shake me up pretty bad.

See the pdoc tomorrow at lunchtime, will see what he says about all these freaking panic attacks. Yesterday's was understandable but most days it is over very little things.

[youwillrise]

bad bad bad baaaad.

texted a guy "friend" today and pretty much everything i said to him got the reply "ok" and it usually gets me really pissed off, so i started purposely being annoying and saying lame mess to him. i feel drained...but right now..>RIGHT NOW...i dont feel bad about the things i've said to him. i'm still in "he deserves it" mode. i'll get to feeling like a jerk soon enough, i'm sure.

[technigal]

After having one burner go on fire yesterday a second one started sparking today Looks like we are looking for a new stove craptastic, this on top of Sean being laid off today. fml

[Maranara]

Trying to hang in there. Work is getting to me even though I'm only one day off of days off (if you can follow that) and I've got a lot on my mind regarding family. Need to take more time off in the next week or two to make the final preparations for a business proposal that I hope to launch the first week of January. Wish me luck!

[beloiseau]

Barely got out of bed to make it to DBT this morning... Really tearful and anxious and waiting for it to start. I'm always really judgmental of myself and others in a group. Probably meeting with the nutritionist today too.

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I have been able to regulate my sleeping patern in the last day or so, and I had a great work out on the stationary bike about an hour ago. I've been working out on it regularly since I saw the Endocrinologist on the 5th. I will see on the 30th at my appointment with my primary care doctor how I'm doing physically and weight wise.
Having an action plan for improving bogth my mind and body has helped me tramendacly. I have come to the realization that I'm not satisfied with just "getting by". I will not allow BPD or the MDD to run my life forever. I am the only one who can make my life worth living, who can restore the shambles I once made of it with my mal-adaptive behavior. and I will make my life into something worth living, for more than just my kids because I realize if the only thing keeping me going is my children, I will have nothing when they are gone. I once knew someone who is currently living my worst nightmare, I saw my future in them if I don't get my life in order and helped me realize being sober simply is not enough.
I know I have a lot of work to do, but I now fully understand that I will get back only what I put into improving myself both mentally and physically.
Those of you who are really struggling, especially those of you with substance abuse, remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I didn't magically get better once I stopped using. In fact the there was a month long period of time at the end of my sobriety when I was suicidal, I even had a plan because despite my sobriety things were not getting any better. I was ready to give up but I didn't. I percysted in the face of failure. I am so glad I did because things are finally starting to fall into place for me. 2014 is going to be my year. I spent the longest time trying to find the magic answer, the thing that would magically make everything all better. but my old therapist was right, there is no such thing. Only work and dedication on my part will change my life and mold it into something worth while. Improve my "Quality of Life" so to speak.
Ok so that turned a bit rantish, sorry.
Hope everyone is doing well.

[simplydivine1030]

Everyone and everything is irritating me. Does anyone else have an issue with any type of critism, even constructive? I'm so sensitive and I hate it.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by simplydivine1030

Everyone and everything is irritating me. Does anyone else have an issue with any type of critism, even constructive? I'm so sensitive and I hate it.

Yup. Hate any type of criticism. All my life I was told that I was not good enough so criticism is hard.

[youwillrise]

i am really bad at criticism...any type. i internalize everything. actually, i cant even handle seeing OTHER people get criticized (constructive or otherwise).