[fjinca]

Today my doctor finally confirmed that I have symptoms of BPD. I'm also being treated for severe depression and anxiety, but the BPD diagnosis gives me some relief that I might not be the only one who feels this way.

Back in July, my wife asked for a divorce. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but it totally wrecked me. I've had two hospitalizations since then (one for 19 days!), and am now at the end of a group therapy day program. I spent a lot of time not wanting to be alive but I'm now hoping I can make it.

Every day I feel rejection, pain, and loneliness with such intensity. It's been a few months since the divorce announcement but it feels like it was yesterday. Other "normal" people have been able to survive divorce, but for me I haven't found much reason to live since then. Every time I see "happy" couples or families I am crushed. I feel like my whole identity was in my marriage, and now I feel totally empty.

I'm hoping that I can eventually get back to working and start feeling whole again. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I've got to figure out how to recover from this. I've got a new therapist (and have practically memorized the DBT handbook), but I'm just waiting for some improvement.

Has anyone else dealt with BPD and divorce? Any suggestions?

FJ

[Truth in Ruin]

Hi, I'm I guy that's been through divorce, so I can understand what you are going through. I was the one that left her, so it probably didn't hurt as much as what you are going through. But it will get better, you will recover from this. You said "it's been a few months since the divorce announcement but it feels like it was yesterday". This is completely normal, I mean, it would be weird if you didn't feel that way. I think the only way to recover from this is time. Time heals. I'm not trying to be cold, but try to find a way to have patients, and you will recover. How old are you? Do you have kids?

[technigal]

Originally Posted by fjinca

Today my doctor finally confirmed that I have symptoms of BPD. I'm also being treated for severe depression and anxiety, but the BPD diagnosis gives me some relief that I might not be the only one who feels this way.

Back in July, my wife asked for a divorce. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but it totally wrecked me. I've had two hospitalizations since then (one for 19 days!), and am now at the end of a group therapy day program. I spent a lot of time not wanting to be alive but I'm now hoping I can make it.

Every day I feel rejection, pain, and loneliness with such intensity. It's been a few months since the divorce announcement but it feels like it was yesterday. Other "normal" people have been able to survive divorce, but for me I haven't found much reason to live since then. Every time I see "happy" couples or families I am crushed. I feel like my whole identity was in my marriage, and now I feel totally empty.

I'm hoping that I can eventually get back to working and start feeling whole again. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I've got to figure out how to recover from this. I've got a new therapist (and have practically memorized the DBT handbook), but I'm just waiting for some improvement.

Has anyone else dealt with BPD and divorce? Any suggestions?

FJ

The top paragraph could have been written by me You are definitely not alone.

I get the rejection and loneliness. My ex-BFF (who I suspect is BPD as well) posted on her facebook that she was cutting out the negative people in her life. I said that I hope I was one of the people she was keeping. Her response "only if you straighten out". This was the day that I was released from a hold in the ER as I had been suicidal and it was my birthday! Yes, she knew I had been in and why. I have been there when she needed support, emotional and financial but I get nothing in return. Since I cut her out of my life I have no close friends and it is hard.

Those happy couples/families that you see may be good at hiding what is really going on. In public you would think I have the perfect family but privately we are fighting to hold on. My husband has Asperger's and doesn't get emotions at all so when I get emotional he freaks out.

[fjinca]

Thank you, Mags and Truth!

I need to get into a better frame of mind. I'm supposed to be returning to work in about 2.5 weeks, or else I'll lose my job. I've got a few days left of my group therapy program, and I've got a lot of improving to do. I'm OK around friends and therapists, but miserable when I'm by myself. A few days ago I was at Target and feeling lonely, and then I got an anxiety attack. But when I was back with a friend, I was feeling connected and more relaxed.

Truth-- I do have kids, and I'm in my late 30s. Having kids is supposed to make me have less suicidal thoughts, but instead just makes me feel more guilty.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by fjinca

Thank you, Mags and Truth!

I need to get into a better frame of mind. I'm supposed to be returning to work in about 2.5 weeks, or else I'll lose my job. I've got a few days left of my group therapy program, and I've got a lot of improving to do. I'm OK around friends and therapists, but miserable when I'm by myself. A few days ago I was at Target and feeling lonely, and then I got an anxiety attack. But when I was back with a friend, I was feeling connected and more relaxed.

Truth-- I do have kids, and I'm in my late 30s. Having kids is supposed to make me have less suicidal thoughts, but instead just makes me feel more guilty.

Having things to improve upon is ok. There is no way it is possible to solve all your problems in group (and I have done a few groups). You are a work in progress. Do you have the DBT Skills workbook? I am just starting to read it and I love it. I should start DBT in January.

If kids are supposed to make you have less suicidal thoughts I missed the memo. I have been more suicidal as a parent then at any other time of my life. I am terrified that I am going to turn into my parents and my son will hate me the way I hate my parents. I am afraid I am screwing up and that he would be better without me.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by fjinca

Today my doctor finally confirmed that I have symptoms of BPD. I'm also being treated for severe depression and anxiety, but the BPD diagnosis gives me some relief that I might not be the only one who feels this way.

Back in July, my wife asked for a divorce. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but it totally wrecked me. I've had two hospitalizations since then (one for 19 days!), and am now at the end of a group therapy day program. I spent a lot of time not wanting to be alive but I'm now hoping I can make it.

Every day I feel rejection, pain, and loneliness with such intensity. It's been a few months since the divorce announcement but it feels like it was yesterday. Other "normal" people have been able to survive divorce, but for me I haven't found much reason to live since then. Every time I see "happy" couples or families I am crushed. I feel like my whole identity was in my marriage, and now I feel totally empty.

I'm hoping that I can eventually get back to working and start feeling whole again. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I've got to figure out how to recover from this. I've got a new therapist (and have practically memorized the DBT handbook), but I'm just waiting for some improvement.

Has anyone else dealt with BPD and divorce? Any suggestions?

FJ

I have BPD but never divorced but of course I am still single too. Regardless if its a divorce or losing someone important in our lives it remains the most painful part of BPD. That abandonment thing again. Thats my biggest issue and the hurt can go for a while. If you can figure a way to get rid of it let me know as well. However, there is one thing for certain you can find all the acceptance from such a wonderful and loving group we have on here.

[Truth in Ruin]

I didn't have kids with my ex-wife, so it made the process a little smoother. I wasn't optimistic about finding love after my divorce either, but I did and I'm in my mid 30's too . As far as feeling guilty about the kids; she was the one that left you, so out of the two, she should be the one that has to swallow the guilt pill. Again, I'm sorry if I seem cold; no woman is perfect, but there's always a perfect woman for you. Keep your chin up, it gets better I promise

[fjinca]

Thanks to all of you for the warm welcome!

I can start a DBT group program in a couple weeks. In fact, my therapist in the day program is making it a condition of me getting one last week in the program.

I'm not sure what to do, though. My alternative is a therapist who has agreed to see me as frequently as daily. She has some background in DBT, but is more CBT and goals focused.

I've read through the DBT skills manual, and had classes in Distress Tolerance and Emotional Regulation during my group program. I'm also just finishing 6 weeks straight of group therapy.

For those who have had DBT, did the group meeting help the most? What do you think of near-daily individual therapy as an alternative. The oddity is that the individual therapy is free until the end of the year, but DBT is about $1200/month.

[cboxpalace]

I divorced late 30's and I have kids. The kids are what keep me going otherwise I have no use for this life. I don't think I would've realized that though had I not seen how they were impacted by not seeing me for a couple of months. That tore me apart. I love my kids. Other than being a father there is nothing good about me. Luckily the divorce was relatively easy. The only asset we had was a house and that was and still is underwater and we agreed on shared parenting.

I suppose the separation / divorce was hard at first but I now see her for the stupid **** that she is. The less I talk or interact with her the happier I am. I dated after we divorced, but I've now stopped dating. I just don't have the interest in other people or their lives.

I liked dbt group in part because I liked hearing how ****ed up others were. $1200.00 a month seems really expensive. I had group 4 x a month and that cost $200.00.

Hi. I was diagnosed with BPD and Major Depression in April of 2011, and I've been divorced for a little over a month now.
My ex-husband also has BPD, and is an alcoholic. I think he feels a lot like you do about the divorce. By the time I filed in April of 2012, I didn't care anymore because I had already spent so much time grieving that he couldn't change, and over the psychological abuse he put me through.
After I left him for good though I was very lonely the way you are now. I engaged in many destructive behaviors such as substance abuse, high risk sexual behavior, and alienating those I cared about most. I tried to do DBT, but didn't have emotional support from anyone. My ex-husband had driven all my friends away. So I flunked out after 8 months. My daughter is the main reason I was able to get my act together. My ex-husband does have visitation with her, but she is not motivation enough for him to clean up his act, just like none of the help I, my family, his mother, and countless others tried to give him.
I know it may not seem like it now, but there is a life without your wife. You can put your life back together again. You're not alone, believe me I understand the physical painful feeling in your chest that there just isn't any reason to go on. but time really does heel most wounds. DBT won't be an over night cure, but if you apply the skills over and over they will become a learned behavior that helps you cope and silence that BPD voice. Even though I did flunk out many of the skills I learned in DBT have helped me greatly.
Today I've been clean for 17 months, and I'm going back to DBT. I've since had a second child and am in a new relationship.
If you need a friend I'm here
Oh I thought I should add that my ex-husband and I were married in October of 2010, and called it quits for good in July of 2011 9 months after we were married. I filed for divorce 10 months after that. So when I had my second child I was not cheating on my ex-husband. Realize that might have been confusing lol.

Oh and as for the cost of DBT, when I was doing it I had medi-cade and it covered the cost of individual and group in full.
Now that I have two insurances (A private PPO as my primary and Medi-Cade as a secondary through the state due to disability), finding a DBT that will take the primary insurance has been difacult. but there's light at the end of that tunnel.
The average cost without insurance seems to be around $180 per session. I have found a few programs that are close to $1200 and I was like... yikes. Around $200 is a bit more average.

[allme]

Welcome!

Originally Posted by fjinca

Today my doctor finally confirmed that I have symptoms of BPD. I'm also being treated for severe depression and anxiety, but the BPD diagnosis gives me some relief that I might not be the only one who feels this way.

Back in July, my wife asked for a divorce. It wasn't entirely unexpected, but it totally wrecked me. I've had two hospitalizations since then (one for 19 days!), and am now at the end of a group therapy day program. I spent a lot of time not wanting to be alive but I'm now hoping I can make it.

Every day I feel rejection, pain, and loneliness with such intensity. It's been a few months since the divorce announcement but it feels like it was yesterday. Other "normal" people have been able to survive divorce, but for me I haven't found much reason to live since then. Every time I see "happy" couples or families I am crushed. I feel like my whole identity was in my marriage, and now I feel totally empty.

I'm hoping that I can eventually get back to working and start feeling whole again. I'm not sure what my next step is, but I've got to figure out how to recover from this. I've got a new therapist (and have practically memorized the DBT handbook), but I'm just waiting for some improvement.

Has anyone else dealt with BPD and divorce? Any suggestions?

FJ

I am have. I had a previous marriage a long time ago of 6 yrs and she cheated then divorced me, marrying one of her adultery partners. Anyway I remember way back then how it felt and I know exactly what you mean. I am fortunate that at the time I avoided any hospitalization but it was a pretty dark time for me.

I married too soon after (about 3 yrs later) to know at the time how much being on my own would help me but after 13 yrs of marriage, my 2nd wife separated from me. Although she was never caught cheating she had many male friends she kept in touch with a lot and hung out with so I'm 99% sure it was the same deal. Anyway.. Again it was hard at first. In so many ways. Feeling rejected, feeling abandoned, a failure, you name it. I've been through it. But I have to say that in the end it was for the better.

I must tell you, even as you shake your head that it can't be.. there is light at the end of the seemingly long dark tunnel. One of the best things that happened to me was being forced into being independent and on my own. I am a single father now as my ex has all but abandoned her two boys and left them with me for the most part. Learning to cope, to do things for myself, to stand up for myself on my own and not lean on somene else, not have somene else to get enmeshed in was probably the best thing for me. It's not easy, it's not fun, and it will seem like it takes forever but my suggestion is this. Take care of yourself and look to your needs. Focus on your progress, in life and with BPD. Considering that you are BPD I can probably guess that you lost a lot of yourself in that marriage, since you found your identity not in yourself but in the relationship. Now you have to refocus. Once you find your identity in yourself or at least independent of the marriage you'll start to feel stronger and more hopeful.

The marriage was not who you were or are, it is something you were a part of. Try to remember that, as tough as that is to grasp.

I am here if you need a friend who understands.

[fjinca]

Thanks again for the heartfelt responses. I do need friends who understand and I really appreciate the support.

My ex is being really difficult about custody and is being pretty awful in general. She's dating again (the kids told me), and seems to view me as old baggage. All I want is to be back in the house, lying in bed next to her, and just relaxing. Instead I'm pumped up with psych meds and still feeling depressed. I really identify with what "cboxpalace" said about having no use for this life except for the kids. I spent the whole day connecting with people and barely had a moment alone. But still I feel so empty.

I have a "fun" day planned tomorrow with a friend, going into the city and then to a halloween party. This is a lot better than right when my marriage ended and I had few friends and little connection. But still I'm not any closer to feeling happy. I very much feel that my ex stole my identity and took away all my pleasure.

I hope that someday I'll look back and feel fulfilled again. I definitely see the advantages of relying on more people in my life, and slowly getting over abandonment and rejection. But I think back about how close to death I've been, and just want to press "fast forward" and get to a time when I'm not so raw.

[sheiba]

Welcome! I do believe time will heal, and this is a wonderful site for support....