My online Boyfriend ,I think about him all of the time I feel like I cant breathe without him if he ever left me or loved another girl more than me
I would die ,I need him to live but I keep telling him ,begging him to leave me ,then begging him to NOT leave me I just love him so much and I would die without him x

Originally Posted by Danica

My online Boyfriend ,I think about him all of the time I feel like I cant breathe without him if he ever left me or loved another girl more than me
I would die ,I need him to live but I keep telling him ,begging him to leave me ,then begging him to NOT leave me I just love him so much and I would die without him x

I don't know the situation exactly but this isn't healthy, and if you're in a relationship with that mindset, it won't work. You won't die without him. You don't need him to live. But I understand all of those feelings, however. I would suggest trying to distance yourself from him temporarily and focusing your life on something else before the obsession gets worse. Make contact impossible for a little while.

hi ,thanks so much for your reply ,I tried before to stop seeing him ,but I cant
I just really live for him and nothing else ,I grew up with an abusive dad ,and my boyfriend ,is my first boyfriend and the only guy who has ever been really lovely and nice to me ,I hate being so obsessed with him but I really feel like I need him and couldn't live without him ,every time I try not to be with him I cant do it because I need him so much x

[Trippin2.0]

This is super unhealthy, your perception of needing him for oxygen will likely lead to a lot of trouble in the future.

I suggest you try HARDER to tone it down, no doubt that once your bf realizes just how badly you think you need him, he will no longer be flattered by your neediness and probably feel suffocated.

You will inevitably be putting an immense amount of pressure on him because you hold him responsible for your very life, and no doubt your happiness.

He deserves to be loved by you, not being obsessed over and possibly stalked whether now or in the near future. Obsessions are never healthy, they are the very opposite of healthy.

Remember this, the tighter you grip, the faster they run.

Thanks for replying
so far he has been really understanding ,he has mental health difficulties himself
sometimes I think if he wasn't so understanding it would be easier to try and make myself normal with him ,when I behave unreasonably he never lets me apologise and it drives me mad ,I know it isn't okay to be like this with him ,I thought it was part of my BPD but I have OCD too and im wondering if its more about relationship OCD
I really do love him so much and I try ,I don't think he helps by being so forgiving all of the time ,he just says I have nothing to apologise for which makes me worse because I feel guilt for being so weird with him
I wish it could be normal with him ,I really don't know what my problem is ,he is wonderful and caring and kind ,I know he would never hurt me ,I need to try harder I know I do ,im not used to nice men in my life ,and I feel I need to be perfect or I will lose him ,which makes me worse
I have suggested to him a few times we don't have contact for a while but he says no ,he loves me and wants to help ,its all so confusing
xx

[Truth in Ruin]

Don't be your worst enemy. You could pull him so close that it forces him to take steps backward.

[cboxpalace]

It sounds like this is a two way street. It's not you, and it's not him, it's both of you together. The relationship as a whole is dysfunctional. It sounds as if there's some dependency issues going on with the both of you.

Originally Posted by cboxpalace

It sounds like this is a two way street. It's not you, and it's not him, it's both of you together. The relationship as a whole is dysfunctional. It sounds as if there's some dependency issues going on with the both of you.

Exactly this. Still, you have a responsibility for your own behaviour and if you recognise that what you're doing isn't good it's down to you to try and improve what's going on. This might be better achieved outside of a relationship but if you're determined to work through your problems together couples therapy may be a good idea.

My personal view is that relationships shouldn't define people, it's nice to have someone in your life but I've never seen any good come from those who get too involved with each other.

I hope you reach a solution.

thanks so much everyone
I think its the first time I thought about it in a way of him having dependency issues with me too
take all of that away ,I actually really do love him and he does me ,its definitely more me that's the problem ,I think if I try really hard and talk to him about it ,well I really hope we can still be together ,he has helped me through so much and I him ,but more than that I really do love him
im being referred back to therapy and im going to try really hard because I really do genuinely love him ,so ,so much ,I don't mean in the obsession way ,I mean I genuinely love him too and I don't want to be without him because more than being obsessed with him ,I just really love him
x

hmmm some of us WISH for such loyalty, desire, wantingness (if that is a word).

Call it disfunctional - I see it as two people that have a HUGE understanding of the other persons needs.

[technigal]

Danica, you mention this is an online boyfriend. Have you ever met? The reason I ask is that I know what it is like to fall in love with who you think the person is and not with who they really are. Twenty years ago I met someone online. I thought we were perfect together even the first time we met (if a safe environment) was great, then reality came crashing down. He was not the man I thought he was, he had never lied to me but I put him on a pedestal that was unrealistic. I was crushed. It was actually at this time when I was first diagnosed with depression.

What I am trying to say is be careful.

Originally Posted by Useless Me

hmmm some of us WISH for such loyalty, desire, wantingness (if that is a word).

Call it disfunctional - I see it as two people that have a HUGE understanding of the other persons needs.

hi ,I like this , this is what my psychiatric nurse feels
x
I guess I worry about the obsession part because of what I would do if he left me ,but having HUGE understanding each others needs ,im sure he would never just leave me and hurt me
xxx

Originally Posted by technigal

Danica, you mention this is an online boyfriend. Have you ever met? The reason I ask is that I know what it is like to fall in love with who you think the person is and not with who they really are. Twenty years ago I met someone online. I thought we were perfect together even the first time we met (if a safe environment) was great, then reality came crashing down. He was not the man I thought he was, he had never lied to me but I put him on a pedestal that was unrealistic. I was crushed. It was actually at this time when I was first diagnosed with depression.

What I am trying to say is be careful.

hello
thank you
no we have never met ,I live in UK ,he lives in Scotland and I have severe social anxiety and rarely leave the house ,I understand what you mean though ,I have heard people before say they thought they had the perfect relationship online but when they eventually met the person wasn't as they thought at all
I have also heard however of people who met online then eventually met in RL and were married and some even had children
Ive known him online for 3 years but started talking to him daily ,fell in love with him a year ago
x
hugs
and thanks so much everyone who replied xxxxxxxxxxx

Originally Posted by nevergoodenough

I don't know the situation exactly but this isn't healthy, and if you're in a relationship with that mindset, it won't work. You won't die without him. You don't need him to live. But I understand all of those feelings, however. I would suggest trying to distance yourself from him temporarily and focusing your life on something else before the obsession gets worse. Make contact impossible for a little while.

Good advice.

Thing is this is not untypical of BPD people. You're enmeshed and way too dependent on constant contact with this person. Thing is your relationship will never be very strong without getting past this point. It may seem impossible to break free from this but you must force yourself to untangle yourself from them and get some space for your own good. Independent partners are far stronger as a couple than people that think they "can't live without each other".

[Angel of Bedlam]

Originally Posted by Danica

My online Boyfriend ,I think about him all of the time I feel like I cant breathe without him if he ever left me or loved another girl more than me
I would die ,I need him to live but I keep telling him ,begging him to leave me ,then begging him to NOT leave me I just love him so much and I would die without him x

Do you think you're pushing him away just to see if he loves you enough to come back? That push-pull thing is hard on both of you. Finding another way to deal with those intense emotions is important. You're entitled to feel any way you want, but you can find ways to cope with them and make this a happier relationship for the both of you. Keep your chin up; even if you feel like you can't live without him, you can. You have it in you to be strong- once you find that, I'm sure your relationship will get better as you work on this. YOU CAN DO IT!

Sent from my SPH-D710 using Tapatalk

I hate him I wish I was dead

[technigal]

I am sorry you are having such a rough time.

[Trippin2.0]

Originally Posted by Danica

I hate him I wish I was dead

Why, what happened?

[Truth in Ruin]

Originally Posted by technigal

Danica, you mention this is an online boyfriend. Have you ever met? The reason I ask is that I know what it is like to fall in love with who you think the person is and not with who they really are. Twenty years ago I met someone online. I thought we were perfect together even the first time we met (if a safe environment) was great, then reality came crashing down. He was not the man I thought he was, he had never lied to me but I put him on a pedestal that was unrealistic. I was crushed. It was actually at this time when I was first diagnosed with depression.

What I am trying to say is be careful.

Well said Technigal.

[Bill3]

I'm sorry, Danica.

Originally Posted by Danica

I hate him I wish I was dead

I do not know him.... or you..... I wish you would stick around.

I didn't kill myself ,I was put on more medication ,but things with him are getting worse
I don't think he realises how obsessed I am with him
he represents life to me ,without him I can only see death
xx

[kala83]

I can kind of relate to how you feel to a degree I don't think I have it as badly as you do.
I don't mean that in a mean way.....

its hard for me with my abandonment issues not get attached to men that I am attracted too.
Its even harder cause my relationship I am in now is really an odd one and the two of us have a lot of past history we have to work through while being in the midst of the relationship. Even now when I am away from him I think of him and miss him but I know taking my time with him....and distancing myself makes it even better in the long run.

In my mind I think if I distance myself from him and don't seem him all the time. Then when I do see him...it will make things between us even better. We like when we see each other more cause we distanced each other gave each other our own time to do our own things.

if you see each other everyday and over load each other....with attention things get duel and boring you have to find things to do in my life that spice things...up and make things fun and interesting...but just cause it works for me does not mean it works for everyone.

[youwillrise]

i feel like i have a semi-similar situation...except the person isnt my boyfriend...and has no desire to be. in the same token, whenever i have tried to detach from him (which i have tried a few times), he always comes back and i have trouble saying "no" because there's a piece of me that thinks that maybe this time he'll actually WANT me. then there are the times where i text and text and text and hope he'll respond, but he never does...he just ignores me and acts as if i dont exist...but as soon as *I* decide to stop contacting him...he starts contacting me and wants to talk nice and blah blah. it's purely a sexual relationship...i want more...he doesnt...i cant seem to get over that fact... it's hard for me to be strong with him. i have gotten through a full month + without talking to him when i am in my "strong" mode, but then he usually comes back in and i just lose it. i'm so weak with him and i think he knows it...maybe he gets off on it? i dont know. i just wish i knew how to be more in control. i absolutely know it's unhealthy, but i feel like i have no other options. i feel like i'm alone and unwanted, so i keep him around to compensate for not having anyone else. the fact that he even wants me sexually gets me too excited...and then when the sex is done and i go back home, i just cry and feel like a loser. in the moment it feels good and i feel wanted and when we're together he speaks to me like a normal person, tells me about his life/goings on and asks me about mine...he even treats me to dinner sometimes...but i know it's all just a fluke....and i know he does it because i allow him to...but what else is there for me?

i just dont have the tools to deal with this.

danica, i wish you all the very best and hope that you can break from this dependency. ...i'm sorry i hijacked your thread...i just felt a little connected to some of your words. i feel lame telling you to have hope when right now i dont have much of it myself...but i dont wish for you to feel the way i do. ((squeezes love into you))

I used to have a similar relationship with my ex-husband. Both of us have mental health issues and both struggled with substance abuse while we were married.
Both of us exhibited unhealthy levels of jealousy and attachment. I grew to resent him for everything, but yet I didn't want him to leave me.
One day I had a realization and it was like finally getting up the nerve to rip off a bandade after having been afraid that doing so would hurt.
Now I can't imagine what I ever saw in him. Now that I am sober and having my mental health issues addressed and he is still in that same life rut, he seems incredibly pityful and unappealing. but I can clearly remember feeling like that I would simply lay down and die without him. Believe me, it passes.
You are not alone in what you are going through, unhealthy levels of attachment and unstable interpersonal relationships are part of BPD, much to my dismay.