[lazydog]

I am just mortified and embarrassed at my recent behaviour at the ending of a relationship, he officially ended it.....of course I threatened to break up with him everyday throughout our entire relationship.......

The worst part is I continue to see him even though he is dating other people. That is the embarrassing part. I can't get my **** together and end a relationship decently with some respect for myself. I really feel awful about continuing to see him but he'll send me a sweet text and I'll just forgive him and run right back.....just when he needs me. I call it "soothing" myself, I think I stole that word from some DBT literature I read. No one in my life/friends/family are giving me heck about this and I think I need some.

I am supposed to hang out with him tomorrow and it doesn't seem right. I really need to figure this out soon because I can see myself just getting more and more hurt if it continues on. Why would I do that to myself? I know he is bad for me. In Linehans book she clearly says that BPD's do best in stable caring relationships. This is not one.

Anyone have any thoughts or experience with this awful path that I still seem to be going down? Is this common with others? I would appreciate your stories or experiences.

[ScrewedUpMe]

Hi,

Although I can't relate to your situation as such, I can relate to threatening to split up all the way through a relationship. I have been married for nearly 8 years and I hate it but I constantly threaten divorce or leaving him. I hate that in myself. And of course if he ever left me, I would feel like the victim.

Your situation does sound very unhealthy for you and I just hope you have the strength to move on and leave this person for good. But I also understand how hard it is when you crave that closeness and connection with someone. I wish you luck with making the right decision

[foreverlonely]

I have been where you are right now. I hung out with my ex boyfriend for about 6 months after he broke up with me. He was so disrespectful to me really or I let him be to me. He was seeing other women and I knew it. I could not be apart from him so I put up with this behaviour. I moved on eventually. Maybe I had to experience that pain to move past our relationship. When I think back on some of the scenarios I was in with him and his other women it makes me cringe.
I cant really give you advice in love but that was my experience.

I still have never told my therapist some of the awful treatment I let this man do to me.
Nothing detrimental but just embarrassing that I let him treat me so disrespectfully.

If you keep seeing him and are not feeling good about it I hope you don't feel bad and have the strength to be kind to your self. hugs

[Starling.]

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really difficult. Try not to be too hard on yourself though; there are two of you involved in this, he is responsible too and it sounds like he's being quite unfair on you. Would it be worth maybe having a chat with him and letting him know you need some space and it would be best if you don't hang out for a while?

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by ScrewedUpMe

Hi,

Although I can't relate to your situation as such, I can relate to threatening to split up all the way through a relationship. I have been married for nearly 8 years and I hate it but I constantly threaten divorce or leaving him. I hate that in myself. And of course if he ever left me, I would feel like the victim.

Your situation does sound very unhealthy for you and I just hope you have the strength to move on and leave this person for good. But I also understand how hard it is when you crave that closeness and connection with someone. I wish you luck with making the right decision

Thank you, he just texted me about getting together and I am trying my hardest to not reply.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by foreverlonely

I have been where you are right now. I hung out with my ex boyfriend for about 6 months after he broke up with me. He was so disrespectful to me really or I let him be to me. He was seeing other women and I knew it. I could not be apart from him so I put up with this behaviour. I moved on eventually. Maybe I had to experience that pain to move past our relationship. When I think back on some of the scenarios I was in with him and his other women it makes me cringe.
I cant really give you advice in love but that was my experience.

I still have never told my therapist some of the awful treatment I let this man do to me.
Nothing detrimental but just embarrassing that I let him treat me so disrespectfully.

If you keep seeing him and are not feeling good about it I hope you don't feel bad and have the strength to be kind to your self. hugs

That's exactly how it feels, disrespectful. I know he was out dating all weekend and now it's Sunday and he has time for me. I guess because I never know if my feelings are right or wrong I just assume others have the same problems with their feelings and give them too much benefit of the doubt. I just assume he can't figure out his feelings either but the reality of it is he will probably meet someone else while I am hanging around and bang, it will be crisis time for me. I just know this behaviour of mine is a trigger to something worse.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by Starling.

I'm sorry you're in this situation, it sounds really difficult. Try not to be too hard on yourself though; there are two of you involved in this, he is responsible too and it sounds like he's being quite unfair on you. Would it be worth maybe having a chat with him and letting him know you need some space and it would be best if you don't hang out for a while?

Thanks Starling, if I could I would. It's the flip flopper in me, I say I can't see him anymore and then I buckle and panic. I don't seem to be able to remember the bad times in the relationship, even if I write them down and recognize them I still don't feel them. I wish I was could feel some sense of anger towards him, some sort of injustice because I know for the time being that would help, if I could get a month or even a couple of weeks in without seeing him I would be fine.

[Elektra_]

hi. been there. i never had a man so interested in me so i got all happy finally someone had noticed me. he never wanted a relationship with me and we didnt even had a date. he would just be with me whenever he wanted. all i wanted to hear was his sweet crap he would tell me in his msgs but deep down i knew he was s.hit. thing is i thought "better have this than nothing". i was soooo wrong.. i lost he rest of self-respect/esteem i had, a friend (his cousin), and my father almost killed me bc i spent soooo much money texting him and i almost failed college caz i was basically like a zombie. believe its not worth it. it will only make u feel like s.hit, humiliate urself and he doesnt like u or ever will caz he knows he can just snap his fingers and u come running.

delete his cell number, dont reply to him... hell eventually stop contacting u. whenever u think about him remember how s.hit he treats u and that hes only using u. no good will come from it. good luck.

[technigal]

I dated a guy like this. I knew he saw other women, he would actually leave me to go on a date with someone else and come back to me after that date was over. I hated myself for allowing this to happen but the moments we were together kept giving me hope for the future. In reality my ex was emotionally abusing me. He knew that I could not say no to him and he used me for sex when he couldn't get it elsewhere. He did not care about me at all. It was hard to completely end things and it really wasn't until meeting my husband that I was able to put this jerk behind me.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by Elektra_

hi. been there. i never had a man so interested in me so i got all happy finally someone had noticed me. he never wanted a relationship with me and we didnt even had a date. he would just be with me whenever he wanted. all i wanted to hear was his sweet crap he would tell me in his msgs but deep down i knew he was s.hit. thing is i thought "better have this than nothing". i was soooo wrong.. i lost he rest of self-respect/esteem i had, a friend (his cousin), and my father almost killed me bc i spent soooo much money texting him and i almost failed college caz i was basically like a zombie. believe its not worth it. it will only make u feel like s.hit, humiliate urself and he doesnt like u or ever will caz he knows he can just snap his fingers and u come running.

delete his cell number, dont reply to him... hell eventually stop contacting u. whenever u think about him remember how s.hit he treats u and that hes only using u. no good will come from it. good luck.

That really hits home, "he doesn't like u or ever will caz he knows he can just snap his fingers and u come running" it hurts like **** to hear it but it's so true.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by technigal

I dated a guy like this. I knew he saw other women, he would actually leave me to go on a date with someone else and come back to me after that date was over. I hated myself for allowing this to happen but the moments we were together kept giving me hope for the future. In reality my ex was emotionally abusing me. He knew that I could not say no to him and he used me for sex when he couldn't get it elsewhere. He did not care about me at all. It was hard to completely end things and it really wasn't until meeting my husband that I was able to put this jerk behind me.

It is those moments too where I dreamily think things are going to work out, and then boom he's gone again. He never was very serious about me anyways, I really think he just needed me over the holidays so he wasn't alone. Ha, I may be on this site all day just to keep myself from seeing him. I think I'll go to gym and go for a tan for some fake sunlight. Maybe that will help. I know I am going to work out like crazy!

I wish I had more single friends, all my friends are in relationships. Even my one friend who is so much like me in personality and life style has met someone who loves her and is sticking it out with her, who doesn't bail when it gets hard or uncomfortable. It leaves me to finding another guy to have someone to hang out with. So hard at this age to meet female friends who like to do stuff.

[LadyShadow]

I have dated emotionally unavailable men before and I think this is what it is. My ex never called me his girlfriend and didn't want to be with me, even though we spent every day together and slept in the same bed and had sex while he was thinking of other women. I knew he was because he would never look me in the face while we had sex. Users will make you feel less about yourself, and as time goes on, you'll get lost and lose the best years of your life. That's how I feel now. I wasted 7 years on a hopeless case.

You need to do for you. Life is short. Don't waste it on a user.

[BarelyMakingIt]

This sounds very familiar. It actually sounds a lot like what I have been going through with my friend but I didn't really want to see it. He isn't talking to me at the moment but I've convinced myself that he is the one for me but then he is the first person I've really had feelings for in over 5 years but I know that it isn't the same for him. It might have been that way in the beginning but there was a decline and I think I wouldn't let myself see it but I know I played a part in it with my behavior. I wish it didn't to be so hard, but it seems like you know what is best for you in your situation so just try to stay strong and stick to your guns.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by PlatinumHeart

I have dated emotionally unavailable men before and I think this is what it is. My ex never called me his girlfriend and didn't want to be with me, even though we spent every day together and slept in the same bed and had sex while he was thinking of other women. I knew he was because he would never look me in the face while we had sex. Users will make you feel less about yourself, and as time goes on, you'll get lost and lose the best years of your life. That's how I feel now. I wasted 7 years on a hopeless case.

You need to do for you. Life is short. Don't waste it on a user.

Good term, "user", I like it. That is exactly what he is.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by BarelyMakingIt

This sounds very familiar. It actually sounds a lot like what I have been going through with my friend but I didn't really want to see it. He isn't talking to me at the moment but I've convinced myself that he is the one for me but then he is the first person I've really had feelings for in over 5 years but I know that it isn't the same for him. It might have been that way in the beginning but there was a decline and I think I wouldn't let myself see it but I know I played a part in it with my behavior. I wish it didn't to be so hard, but it seems like you know what is best for you in your situation so just try to stay strong and stick to your guns.

Thanks so much Barely, I can't explain what we are doing or why we would attach ourselves to men that don't care "enough" for us, it just doesn't make sense. I agree also that my behaviour led to many of the problems we had. I am not very clear or honest in expressing my emotions and this can be very hard for many to understand. We can get through this together!

[lazydog]

I buckled, like the fool I am.... would.

He texted me and asked me if we were still going to hang out and watch Super Bowl, I told him only as friends, he asked if not even cuddling, nope I told him. See if we could be friends. I knew it was a bad idea going in but......... for some awful weird reason I did it anyways.

He did the best thing ever, he gave me the hate.!! I was making chip dip and went to use the garbage and he jumped up and ran to the garbage, I quickly opened it and on top were two condoms wrappers!!!!!

I freaked at first, it was really hard for me to see. He told me they were ones he had in his jacket from my place and decided to clean out his jacket pocket. Ha! That's why he jumped up so fast right? He always leaves them on my side table.

It was silly for going over there in the first place because he doesn't care for me and for some stupid reason I thought I did for him.

I calmed myself down, had a beer, ate some chips, told him that was incredibly disrespectful and if it was the other way around and he had of seen the same thing at my place he would have freaked out also. He agreed and although I know he doesn't really care for me, I know it would have driven him up the wall. That is the kind of man he is.

He was a bit taken aback at being outed but after awhile he agreed it was disrespectful. Then I gave him a hug, wished him the best and left. Before I left I told him not to contact me ever again, he asked if we could at least talk on phone, I told him no. What a sad little face he had.

I don't think this is splitting, this is called normal behaviour/feelings. I'm not going to hate him like crazy or spend any energy on him. I have just realized that although he is human like me and can make mistakes, he is not appropriate for me.

End of story, blocked him and deleted contact. The only way he can get hold of me is through email and he won't. I can't imagine him spending that much energy on me to email me when he couldn't even spend the energy or brain cells to hide two condoms wrappers before I came over! Oh my.

Onwards and upwards.

[technigal]

Good for you. Hard to deal with but you are much better off without people like him in your life. Have to admit I laughed at his lame story about the condom wrappers.

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by technigal

Good for you. Hard to deal with but you are much better off without people like him in your life. Have to admit I laughed at his lame story about the condom wrappers.

I know! It really did give me a laugh too.

[lazydog]

And tomorrow I'll be crying.

Hopefully not....going to take my vitamins, eat healthy, read good things, meditate, and go to gym. This too will pass.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by lazydog

And tomorrow I'll be crying.

Hopefully not....going to take my vitamins, eat healthy, read good things, meditate, and go to gym.

Tears can be healing.

[lynn808]

Hope you doing well today hun.
Guess you really do have to figure out if you really want this user in your life at all...or if you can tolerate the non-caring and non-supportive person...I do hope that you will find a good friend who will be there for you always......hugs and please know there are good people out there...take care and be strong hun!!!

[lazydog]

Originally Posted by lynn808

Hope you doing well today hun.
Guess you really do have to figure out if you really want this user in your life at all...or if you can tolerate the non-caring and non-supportive person...I do hope that you will find a good friend who will be there for you always......hugs and please know there are good people out there...take care and be strong hun!!!

Thanks for the support, I really need it. I don't need that user in my life.

He is still blocked on my phone, first time I have gone this long. In the past I have blocked him and then quickly unblocked him an hour or two later. It's a little like going through withdrawal but I can do it. I know that the longer I go without contact the easier it will be and maybe at that point I'll be able to see the bigger picture.

I just felt ill this morning about yesterday. Why I put myself in that degrading position just mystifies me. Still mortified and embarrassed.

But I did do one thing, I contacted a mental health provider for an appointment. Currently I am med and therapist free. I have not seen anyone. for 15 years My only resistance has been that I know they will suggest medication and I don't want to take it. So we will see where that goes.

On an upside the sun is out, I'm going to the gym and then go buy a bunch of healthy food.

[technigal]

Originally Posted by lazydog

Thanks for the support, I really need it. I don't need that user in my life.

He is still blocked on my phone, first time I have gone this long. In the past I have blocked him and then quickly unblocked him an hour or two later. It's a little like going through withdrawal but I can do it. I know that the longer I go without contact the easier it will be and maybe at that point I'll be able to see the bigger picture.

I just felt ill this morning about yesterday. Why I put myself in that degrading position just mystifies me. Still mortified and embarrassed.

But I did do one thing, I contacted a mental health provider for an appointment. Currently I am med and therapist free. I have not seen anyone. for 15 years My only resistance has been that I know they will suggest medication and I don't want to take it. So we will see where that goes.

On an upside the sun is out, I'm going to the gym and then go buy a bunch of healthy food.

Good job on keeping him blocked this long. That is great that you contacted someone in mental health. Remember that just because they suggest medication does not mean you have to take it. Medication is a personal choice, some people like me need it, others can go without. I would see what a therapist can help you with before trying meds.

[lynn808]

But I did do one thing, I contacted a mental health provider for an appointment. Currently I am med and therapist free. I have not seen anyone. for 15 years My only resistance has been that I know they will suggest medication and I don't want to take it. So we will see where that goes.

On an upside the sun is out, I'm going to the gym and then go buy a bunch of healthy food.[/QUOTE]

Good for you.....work out...take a walk...relax and enjoy the sun today....eat good food and take care of your self right now....concentrate on you...take time for you right now....okay good to talk to someone else, they may give you a little insight on this too... like technigal said...meds are a personal choice, I stopped for 8 years and am on a small amount of meds just for the panic.....you must feel comfortable with what you choose...I agree...hope you continue to fight the good fight....stay strong...hugs for you

[lazydog]

Thanks Tech and Lynn, still hanging in. Been a tough day full of mixed emotions, up and down, sad then mad. I actually would consider a very small dose of something right now, I would love to feel good for a second rather than just putting a fake smile on my face. Still no contact, I am sure it will get better with time and distance, just need to get through this rough period. Ug.