Not feeling great, but I've been a lot worse. I'm having some conflict and stress, and I really need a break. Looking forward to spring break, and spending a few days out of town with my best friend, just us girls.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I feel like a loser... Again. My sister and her family wanted to stay with me for a few days in April but I've turned her away. She told me her plans months ago so I could get my home in order but I've not done hardly anything. I'm ashamed of my home. Even if I had cleaned & decluttered, my dogs have not been properly socialized so they would bark at them until... I don't know. The few rare times I've had any one here, that's what they did. It's nerve wracking for everyone.

I feel like **** though because now they won't be able to stay here in town unless they get a hotel which she says she can't afford. Somehow she can afford to go to the Keys instead. That doesn't compute but I still feel like ****. I guess because she always opens her home to me.

You know what? I'm not going to let this bother me. When I come I'm one person and she brings 4. I have anxiety about people in my home she doesn't. She has depression but somehow keeps her home tidy with 3 boys. I've got a lot of crap going on right now with feeling suicidal on and off, cutting again, stress at work, just divorced, trying to get clean from weed, and on top of all of that my ex's crap is sitting where it was the day he moved in with me. That's right. Since 2008! I'm overwhelmed! I am just not ready.

[dancinglady]

Just a suggestion. How about treating yourself with maid services and talk to your therapist about all of this. Does your T know ur are cutting again and doing weed again. Do you need to go to the hospital to take a break from the world. They could probably help you better there.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by dancinglady

Just a suggestion. How about treating yourself with maid services and talk to your therapist about all of this. Does your T know ur are cutting again and doing weed again. Do you need to go to the hospital to take a break from the world. They could probably help you better there.

I'm planning on telling my therapist all of this on Thursday. He knows what I've been up to and that's why I am going to NA & AA meetings now. I don't think that the hospital is what I need right now, but I'm not afraid to go if necessary. My sister doesn't know I'm cutting again and I don't plan on telling her unless she asks.

I just need to stay on this path to recovery and continue to try to make the right choices. When I screw up, like I did this weekend, I just have to move forward instead of focusing on the screw up.

As far as a maid service... I've considered it but I worry that they wouldn't know what to do with everything. I need a person who can help me organize better.
Thanks for your thoughts.

[HD7970GHZ]

Today I want to die. Life is starting to make sense. The only thing I have to hold onto is a phrase my therapist said, "sometimes you need to get worse in order to get better."

Sending you all as much love as possible.

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Today I want to die. Life is starting to make sense. The only thing I have to hold onto is a phrase my therapist said, "sometimes you need to get worse in order to get better."

Sending you all as much love as possible.

Yes this happened for me, If I had not hit rock bottom last year and ended up in hospital I would still be thinking the same old thoughts and doing the same old actions that were not helping my mental state.
I don't want to go there again so I am determined to keep up my DBT skills practise. I have been able to handle situations that I would never have had the confidence to handle last year.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I don't want to be here today. I want to go home.

[Britneigh]

I keep telling myself to hold on...things will get better. But it's not. I still feel invisible. Like I do nothing I do is ever good enough. like I'm never going to be enough. I just am feeling done, the biggest problem be being done will create in people's lives is the inconvenience of my boss having to find someone to work. Other than that nobody will notice. **** I'm sure their lives will be easier.

[freaka]

seething rage festering inside...one wrong word from somebody and i will fly completely off the handle. i'm holing myself up today for precisely this reason.

[Mindful55]

Hi Brit...I also feel like anything I do, it is not enough, for me it is triggering. Cause I know better. Nothing will ever be good enough to some individuals.

And you are good enough!!
I am feeling done too!!

Aww..Maybe 2 more months I will free of the triggering comments.

Sent from my SPH-L720T using Tapatalk

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I feel like a loser... Again. My sister and her family wanted to stay with me for a few days in April but I've turned her away. She told me her plans months ago so I could get my home in order but I've not done hardly anything. I'm ashamed of my home. Even if I had cleaned & decluttered, my dogs have not been properly socialized so they would bark at them until... I don't know. The few rare times I've had any one here, that's what they did. It's nerve wracking for everyone.

I feel like **** though because now they won't be able to stay here in town unless they get a hotel which she says she can't afford. Somehow she can afford to go to the Keys instead. That doesn't compute but I still feel like ****. I guess because she always opens her home to me.

You know what? I'm not going to let this bother me. When I come I'm one person and she brings 4. I have anxiety about people in my home she doesn't. She has depression but somehow keeps her home tidy with 3 boys. I've got a lot of crap going on right now with feeling suicidal on and off, cutting again, stress at work, just divorced, trying to get clean from weed, and on top of all of that my ex's crap is sitting where it was the day he moved in with me. That's right. Since 2008! I'm overwhelmed! I am just not ready.

Well now she's not coming to FL at all. Due to her husband's new job. I feel less guilty but I am still going to discuss this further with my therapist.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I started up a conversation with a stranger all on my own.

I've been sick throughout this long weekend. Very sick and alone as always. No physical energy whatsoever.

All I wanted to do this weekend was clean my place and work out all day long on all 3 days. But, it was all snatched from me

I look forward to death.

[Espresso]

I hate myself. Everything is my fault. I can't withstand this much longer. Please, someone, make it stop.

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

I started up a conversation with a stranger all on my own.

That's brave! I have trouble doing that with people I know!

[Verity81]

Well to expand on my previous post, I find it really hard sometimes talking to people. Especially as I fear rejection sooooooo much! My therapist is working with me to increase my confidence and start to reach out and communicate with family and friends.
My task this last two days was to call my sister for a catch up, just for 10 minutes or so. I haven't done it yet, I am so afraid she will be busy and feel like my call is an inconvenience. Wondering if I should text instead to dip my toe in the water, I cant just call people, even my family just to check in as I have a lot of avoidant features in my personality. arghhhh! I just wanna talk to the cat!

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Verity81

Well to expand on my previous post, I find it really hard sometimes talking to people. Especially as I fear rejection sooooooo much! My therapist is working with me to increase my confidence and start to reach out and communicate with family and friends.
My task this last two days was to call my sister for a catch up, just for 10 minutes or so. I haven't done it yet, I am so afraid she will be busy and feel like my call is an inconvenience. Wondering if I should text instead to dip my toe in the water, I cant just call people, even my family just to check in as I have a lot of avoidant features in my personality. arghhhh! I just wanna talk to the cat!

I can talk to my 2 sisters and my dad but often I'm not up to faking it. You know? Now, strangers or people I hardly know... That's a different story. That's why I had to share that. I was proud of myself. My co-workers hear more from me than anyone else...

Slowly starting to get better. Found out I have a nasty viral infection that's going around these days.

Looking forward to being back in the gym soon !!! And that cures anything and everything

[Verity81]

Am hurting from an argument with my husband. I have group DBT today and it's taking all of my strength to just move and get in the shower. I'm so angry I've even taken off my wedding ring.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Crazy Hitch]

[Britneigh]

I want to die. I actually said the words out loud. Normally it's just a feeling that passes. But the thought isn't leaving. Everything hurts. Physically. Mentally. I just want to die.

[Espresso]

I miss DBT.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Possible trigger:

SI

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I'm proud of myself for not cutting earlier. I've been kinda down all day and I don't remember what happened but I started crying. I usually try to stop it but I didn't this time because my T has been telling me that I need to let myself feel stuff. So once it started I was crying out loud and I was feeling so much emotional pain it hurt so badly. This is when I would normally choose to hurt myself. I didn't though. I just let myself cry until it finally stopped. I got out of bed, loaded the dishwasher (been over a week), and started to work on a puzzle.

I'm really worried about finances so I am going to try to eat at home this week but I don't have the drive or energy to make anything. I think I will be having a lot of cereal and frozen pizza.

I'm going to leave soon for an AA meeting tonight. It will be a speaker meeting and I really like those.

My little sister wanted to catch up this weekend but I didn't call her. I don't know why, but she said, "I figured since we haven't spoken you've been busy and doing well." I know I could tell her how I've been but she will worry.

I'm rambling now...

[dancinglady]

:dancingchili:

[Espresso]

Today was more depression than instability. Yesterday was a(n un)healthy dose of both. I need help.