I'm just really sad lately.

[HD7970GHZ]

Raged at my DBT therapist. I cannot believe what I said to her. I left 15 messages on her phone and demanded she call me back. She did and all I did was yell at her. She hung up because I was yelling so much. This angered me even more. The next day I raged at another DBT therapist over the phone and was told to bring myself into emergency or they would call the cops... I went to emergency and was ridiculed by hospital staff and discovered the hospital had accessed my personal therapy notes against regulations. According to documents I signed they broke the law. I had an argument with a nurse about this and was so angry. Then I left emergency and had a fight with my parents when they wouldn't believe my mental health privacy was breached.

It's amazing how right now I feel so angry with my therapist, yet feel so guilty and shameful for my behavior - and anxious and fearful about whether she is going to terminate therapy with me... I have never been so mixed up in my life and I fear this is going to go sideways quick.

I deserve to be terminated. To tell you the truth - if she does terminate - I don't think I'll be alive anymore. I already told her that if DBT doesn't work - I will kill myself. I can't believe I said these things... Once this anger subsides - I will be slammed with a plethora of guilt and shame and I am genuinely worried. She is such a sweetheart and I think I soured our relationship.

DBT is hard!

Originally Posted by HD7970GHZ

Raged at my DBT therapist. I cannot believe what I said to her. I left 15 messages on her phone and demanded she call me back. She did and all I did was yell at her. She hung up because I was yelling so much. This angered me even more. The next day I raged at another DBT therapist over the phone and was told to bring myself into emergency or they would call the cops... I went to emergency and was ridiculed by hospital staff and discovered the hospital had accessed my personal therapy notes against regulations. According to documents I signed they broke the law. I had an argument with a nurse about this and was so angry. Then I left emergency and had a fight with my parents when they wouldn't believe my mental health privacy was breached.

It's amazing how right now I feel so angry with my therapist, yet feel so guilty and shameful for my behavior - and anxious and fearful about whether she is going to terminate therapy with me... I have never been so mixed up in my life and I fear this is going to go sideways quick.

I deserve to be terminated. To tell you the truth - if she does terminate - I don't think I'll be alive anymore. I already told her that if DBT doesn't work - I will kill myself. I can't believe I said these things... Once this anger subsides - I will be slammed with a plethora of guilt and shame and I am genuinely worried. She is such a sweetheart and I think I soured our relationship.

DBT is hard!

I'm SO SO sorry all this happened, my friend. This must be so hard for you to go through.

However, I think that, given that your therapist is a trained professional, she may very well excuse you for shouting at her. So she may not terminate you. You deserve another chance. I'm sure she understands that people with this condition are prone to anger and emotional outbursts, it's to be expected. So, I wouldn't count on you being terminated.

The fact that you feel sorry about your behavior and speak highly of your therapist attest to the fact that you have a good heart and a good conscience. You definitely deserve another chance with your therapist and my prayers go out to you for that.

I won't give you all that BS about reasons to stay alive, but know that if you hurt yourself, it will make me very sad knowing what a lovely person you are and how much potential you have. And, you will certainly be missed very much on this forum and elsewhere.

I know that you are counting on DBT, but I also want to say that it is certainly not the end of the world in the unfortunate case that it doesn't work for you. I hope that you will consider other options in that case.

Hang in there, dear HD.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Note to self:

Keep it together ATA! Inventory is on Wednesday and just because you have to do 400 boxes in 3 days doesn't mean that you have to lose your s***. If I have to work 30 hours in 3 days so be it. That just means only 4 hours for Thursday & Friday. Granted, the dogs will probably potty on the floor after 10+ hours alone... It wont be the end of the world. Maybe I will take an hour lunch and drive home and back. Of course there's more money spent on fuel & I only have $150 to my name at the moment... Still... I have a home, a job, food, and dogs that love me.

Back to work.

[dancinglady]

you go girl. Tough it out. You can do this. Sorry they are putting so much pressure on you that is what SUCKS.

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Note to self:

Keep it together ATA! Inventory is on Wednesday and just because you have to do 400 boxes in 3 days doesn't mean that you have to lose your s***. If I have to work 30 hours in 3 days so be it. That just means only 4 hours for Thursday & Friday. Granted, the dogs will probably potty on the floor after 10+ hours alone... It wont be the end of the world. Maybe I will take an hour lunch and drive home and back. Of course there's more money spent on fuel & I only have $150 to my name at the moment... Still... I have a home, a job, food, and dogs that love me.

Back to work.

... and you have us here ! And we love you too, ATA

Still sad. Had a bit of a breakdown today, slipping back into some very old thought patterns--not good. I have a final Wednesday, haven't had a chance to study (too busy with other work) and I work until 2pm. Oh, but wait, the coworker who is my relief just texted me and says she has court so she'll be late and could I just stay until she gets there?

[Britneigh]

I just wanted to see how this worked

Possible trigger:

I really dislike the cold.

I'm holding it together I guess. I'm suppose to go see my aunt who I haven't seen since I was 3 apparently next week. My stomach hurts thinking about it already :/

[Crazy Hitch]

Originally Posted by Britneigh

I just wanted to see how this worked

Possible trigger:

I really dislike the cold.

I'm holding it together I guess. I'm suppose to go see my aunt who I haven't seen since I was 3 apparently next week. My stomach hurts thinking about it already :/

That can be really nerve-wracking. Try not to have expectations either way, or to overthink it (easier said than done, I know)...I hope it goes well.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

Note to self:

Keep it together ATA! Inventory is on Wednesday and just because you have to do 400 boxes in 3 days doesn't mean that you have to lose your s***. If I have to work 30 hours in 3 days so be it. That just means only 4 hours for Thursday & Friday. Granted, the dogs will probably potty on the floor after 10+ hours alone... It wont be the end of the world. Maybe I will take an hour lunch and drive home and back. Of course there's more money spent on fuel & I only have $150 to my name at the moment... Still... I have a home, a job, food, and dogs that love me.

Back to work.

210 boxes delivered today. Left 20. 12 of which are boxes of toys. Meaning we got most of the hard ones done. I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Small delivery tomorrow of 45 or so.

[boydisappearing]

off topic but Achy Turtle Armor, that's one of my favourite Daughter songs.

on topic - relatively calm day today but I hid at home for most of it.

[Britneigh]

Originally Posted by misskeena

That can be really nerve-wracking. Try not to have expectations either way, or to overthink it (easier said than done, I know)...I hope it goes well.

Thanks! We are both kind of nervous. But hopefully it is all smooth. We've talked over fb quite a bit so hopefully in person is just as easy...it's hard because she remembers when j was little and remembers me...I on the other hand don't remember any of it...I was only 3 I guess the last time she saw me

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

210 boxes delivered today. Left 20. 12 of which are boxes of toys. Meaning we got most of the hard ones done. I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Small delivery tomorrow of 45 or so.

You've got this, ATA !

Turtles are best at this, because ...

[LittleEarthquakes]

I want to change my life.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm scared. My personality disorder may have caused me to lose my job today. I hope not but I don't know. I called a co-worker a c**t which she heard but I also said that I wanted to kick her ***** which I don't think she heard. I did apologize for yelling at her and for being inappropriate but she's not one to mess with in that she will likely report me.

I briefly told my boss that I yelled at her and argued with her but I didn't give him any details because it's inventory tonight and it is not the right time.

[dancinglady]

I am so sorry. You have been under a great deal of stress as reported on this forum. Your boss should know this, everyone gets upset and says things they do not mean. Hopefully he understands this. Just because we have a PD does not mean we are immume to this type of reaction.

My experience has been to apologize and maybe she won't be a b***h and say anything negative. You never know. My T has always told me to stay under the radar for a few days after this and it could just blow over due to everyone's stress. Does your boss favor you or her? My experience has been that my bosses have always favored the other person so I have been screwed.

Good luck.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Possible trigger:

SI & SU

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I don't know if I want to be angry with my T or myself. I messaged him with my latest crisis and I don't know what I expected him to do or say. Everything he said just made me more and more angry. Instead of thinking about what he was trying to tell me, at 9pm, I just wanted to lash out at him. In the end I alluded that I was going to cut myself and he left me with "I have to go. The past is a dream get into the present."

If anyone reads this they will likely be thinking, "I can't believe he just left you to cut yourself." He can't stop me. I know it. He knows it. He has said that. If he were to call me or react to that in anyway other than how he did, then he has given me the attention I am craving. It encourages me to continue to act like a child. My words, not his.

So I suppose I am angry with myself. Which is fear. What am I afraid of? Getting better?

God! I'm such a effing loser. This is why I deserve the 6 gashes on my arm. I'm a loser for cutting and I'm cutting because I'm a loser. Now I just want to die. Don't worry. I won't. Don't have the energy. Can't do that to my sister and her beautiful boys.

I'm sorry T. I'm so so sorry. I'm a disappointment. You won't say it but it must be true. I take one step forward and two back. I hate me.

I deserve all the s*** I give myself and all the s*** others give me too.

Originally Posted by dancinglady

I am so sorry. You have been under a great deal of stress as reported on this forum. Your boss should know this, everyone gets upset and says things they do not mean. Hopefully he understands this. Just because we have a PD does not mean we are immume to this type of reaction.

My experience has been to apologize and maybe she won't be a b***h and say anything negative. You never know. My T has always told me to stay under the radar for a few days after this and it could just blow over due to everyone's stress. Does your boss favor you or her? My experience has been that my bosses have always favored the other person so I have been screwed.

Good luck.

I agree, apologies do go a long way. I've had years-long conflict with a former coworker and was never fired (not saying that proudly, just stating a fact) and I probably could have been a few times over. I also agree--fly under the radar, keep it cool, keep out of her way. You'll get through this.

I'm feeling better than I was earlier this week. I was having some ongoing issues with a girl in my nursing cohort, and I finally confronted her today, and we had a heart-to-heart. Basically she thinks I don't like her (kinda true these days), I think she doesn't like me (only bc I don't like her, lol), and it's been one long misunderstanding. I feel like everyone jumps to the conclusion that I'm a total B...so if there is something that I say that comes out a certain way, well, I must have meant it rudely. And I told her that and said, "I wish you guys would assume best intentions, because I'm never intentionally trying to be rude or hurt anyone's feelings. I am trying to support people and be giving and helpful, and sometimes people take things very wrong and that hurts." I came clean to her about my struggles with depression and she was super understanding and kind--that made a huge difference in how I feel about her for sure. We hugged and agreed to start over. So I don't know how the rest of my cohort feels about me, but at least I know my former #1 and I are okay.

[dancinglady]

Good day. Office was closed due to snow and so we all received a free day with pay. I love living in the south they are so scared of snow they close almost the entire city. I spent 2 years in ND where six to ten inches of snow is considered a dusting not a batten down the hatches. TGIF and the week is done and I am 1 week closer to retirement from this crazy job. Hooray!!!!!!!!!

Really struggling. I'm currently sitting in my car, in the parking lot of my school, trying to decide whether to go to class at noon or drive home and go take a nap before work. If I go home, I'm not coming back i.e. I am quitting my nursing program for the second time (first time was 10 years ago) and will have no hope of re-entering. But I just don't know if I can do this anymore--people hate me here. I'm exhausted all the time. I'm not taking care of myself because I don't have the time, so my mental state is deteriorating. I don't have a ton of support. I don't know...I'm just so tired.

[dancinglady]

I know how u feel about being hated. I am hated at work and have had to live thru it for 9 years.
My advice this is school hold your head up high do your best and get it done. We are here for you. In 1 year after u graduate u will have accomplished your goal, look back and see the b***hes for who they were then take a vacation to an exotic place and toast to their ignorance. You will have WON the war. They are only winning the battles. Remember swift's. " and all you are ever going to be is MEAN". That says slot a famous signer had to come up win that for a song and it's a #1 hit. Point taken must be alit more of us than the "mean ones". Go get it girl. You can do IT!!!!!!!!!!

The problem is that it isn't them, it's me. I just had a pretty negative review from a professor that sort of reflects some other things professors have said, but the problem is that she blindsided me with it so it really had me in tears. They feel I don't listen, there's always drama, etc. They may be right. But from my perspective, I am trying to eliminate drama, walk away from conflict, talk it out with people. And it frustrates me when my best efforts are STILL not good enough because this is THE BEST I can do--telling my I still suck, that I still seem pretty unstable when I think I'm doing okay, really hurts.

[dancinglady]

Ok. I grew up in the Midwest. My experience is it is a getter done attitude. No excuses. Who told u to be a nurse? I work in a hospital for 8 years. I don't think nursing SND BPD mix. Many undiagnosed got fired.