[Espresso]

I'm not sure how I'm doing.

[isntlifewonderful]

Lonely and anxious. I need a long, warm hug and some benzo and alcohol. Good thing I have Vodka in my room!

[shakespeare47]

meh.. I'm going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy tonight.

[Notoriousglo]

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

meh.. I'm going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy tonight.

Good movie!!

Originally Posted by shakespeare47

meh.. I'm going to watch Guardians of the Galaxy tonight.

Great film !!! Enjoy . X

[isntlifewonderful]

Benzo and vodka sure helped...

Well am
Apparent waste of space and shouldn't have been born accordin to me dad

[Espresso]

I'm not sure if today was better or worse than yesterday. How do you tell if you feel nothing?

[isntlifewonderful]

Still got more vodka and benzo left. Yay! Can't wait to get drunk and high. I love this combination so much. I can't feel ANYTHING and it's beautiful.

[Kimaya]

So, I am following my rules and not asking why I wasn't invited or even letting on that I know I wasn't. So hard. I feel contempt and hatred rising. There could be perfectly good reasons... I just don't want to be that girl, at least the opt out button please. How hard can it be to just be honest with me? I can be alone, I can cut them off... so much easier. Rules. Rules. Rules.

[Pierro]

Shezbut,

I can totally relate. Here's hoping that when they do go that you will get some unbroken sleep.

Two of my friends have gotten tired of me and blocked/left me in less than 24 hours, say that I'm too much for them to deal with, and that I'm a bully/was a bully. I'm not trying to be. I just want someone to care about me. People dump their stuff on me, so why can't anyone care about my problems. Yes I did have alcohol last night so I'm pretty depressed today but I'm pretty sure that this isn't a temporary mood right now. All of my friends are gone. I don't have any. I don't feel like the world needs me or that there is anything in it left for me or that I deserve because I break and ruin or hurt or burden everything in my path.

[Espresso]

I was too busy reading a book to want to kill myself.

[Astriferous]

Yesterday I temporarily filled the void with a good friend and some Gamecube games. Now I'm going to fill it with Sims 3. If I can't fill it with love and affection, I might as well fill it with something that I can have.

I made the mistake of looking at 'BPD horror stories' online from nons in relationships with someone with BPD andit made me feel horrible...

[isntlifewonderful]

Hiding in the closet. More scared of people than usual. I hope the people at the institution wont find me here.

[isntlifewonderful]

I threatened to hurt the staff at the institution so now they sent me to a locked psychatric ward. Just ****ing great. They wont even give me my benzo. This anxiety is killing me. Haven't eaten for over 24 hours and... I just want some kind of substance...

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Originally Posted by isntlifewonderful

I threatened to hurt the staff at the institution so now they sent me to a locked psychatric ward. Just ****ing great. They wont even give me my benzo. This anxiety is killing me. Haven't eaten for over 24 hours and... I just want some kind of substance...

Take care of yourself as best as you can.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

***SU***Trigger***

Well my day has been a crazy one. Went over to my house where my H is living. I am filing for divorce in September. I have been living with friends. Anyway, I went over there to get some clothes and to leave him a $300 visa gift card and $100 cash. He was not there because he didn't want to see me. Once I left he texted me and told me that I could shove the money up my *****. Then he asked me when I was filing for divorce. Then he said that I need to come get the dogs. Finally he texted and then called me to tell me that he had taken an overdose of methadone. I sent the cops/ambulance to the house where they took him to the hospital. I think he will be Baker acted once he is treated. I feel bad for him and his pain but I am NOT going to let him manipulate me that way. I hope that I don't sound mean but this is the man who left me alone when I was trying to kill myself last month. The same man who did not call or visit me in the hospital.

My anxiety is through the roof.

[Korana]

I've been saying since 6pm, 'I hate today. I want it to be over. Today needs to end. I'm angry. Why am I so angry.' Had to tell the household to leave me be for a while until I get a handle on this. Feeling a bit better. But it's 3am and I'm the only one awake.
I'm going now to go end today. zz

[Espresso]

I'm coming down from a night of extreme drunkenness. I want to hurt myself. Not because I got drunk. Just because I exist. I exist and I don't deserve to and so I should be in pain. I want to kill myself so that I can have the satisfaction of killing myself. It's not fair that others are free to kill themselves but I can't because I have responsibilities that I can't ignore. Life is a bowl of ****.

[isntlifewonderful]

Originally Posted by Achy Turtle Armor

***SU***Trigger***

Well my day has been a crazy one. Went over to my house where my H is living. I am filing for divorce in September. I have been living with friends. Anyway, I went over there to get some clothes and to leave him a $300 visa gift card and $100 cash. He was not there because he didn't want to see me. Once I left he texted me and told me that I could shove the money up my *****. Then he asked me when I was filing for divorce. Then he said that I need to come get the dogs. Finally he texted and then called me to tell me that he had taken an overdose of methadone. I sent the cops/ambulance to the house where they took him to the hospital. I think he will be Baker acted once he is treated. I feel bad for him and his pain but I am NOT going to let him manipulate me that way. I hope that I don't sound mean but this is the man who left me alone when I was trying to kill myself last month. The same man who did not call or visit me in the hospital.

My anxiety is through the roof.

You deserve so much better, honey. He just wants control. I don't feel sorry for him at all, he's trying to use your empathy to manipulate you. I'm so proud of you for leaving him. You're strong!!!

[Britneigh]

Well...I'm back from a bit of a hiatus. Sorry if I worried anyone, and sorry for the rather dramatic last post.

I' feeling a lot stronger lately. I hit a hard crash, I had to give my dog away which was a HUGE loss for me as I'm lacking in the friend/family department and my animals are my world. I still don't really have anyone to talk to but I'm doing a lot more to keep myself swimming and kind of making myself cope and deal with things instead of coping with bad techniques. I've been isolating myself a bit, but its almost what I need, I spend a lot of time with the horses and have been riding a lot more lately which is something I wasn't doing much of. Overall I'm doing alright, I missed y'all quite a bit and hope to be more active again.

I went back and read every ones posts just to keep up on it all.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

Just another update. I'm surprising myself that I am making good choices, besides not exercising today.

My H did get involuntarily admitted to a psych hospital for at least 3 days. I was called by the hospital today and asked for info on what led up to yesterday's events. I told the woman on the phone EVERYTHING from my attempt on the 21st of July to now. I was completely honest with her about my issues because I thought it was important. She asked me to come there tomorrow morning for a "family" meeting with my H and his attending Dr. I'm a bit anxious about it but I feel like it is the thing to do in order for him to get help. It is one of the things he refused to do for me when I went IP.

Anyway, after that and work, I am flying to SF to stay with my little sister for ten days. I'm excited to see her and her boys. We are also going to the Greek Theatre in Berkeley to see DMB & then later in the week Jack Johnson.

I expect that once I am on the plane and I've left it all behind I will break down and cry.

I called out of work for a personal day today. I spent the whole day with my 2 dogs that I haven't been able to spend any time with for the past 3 weeks or so. They were so excited to see me. I felt awful when I had to take them to the kennel to stay until I return. I cried when I left them.

[cryingontheinside]

Missing my children. Cant motivate myself to tidy up