Originally Posted by Espresso

I don't know where I stand. I fantasize about killing myself. And I fantasize about [my mental/emotional issues] being fixed. I'm sitting here wanting to rip my hair out, shred my wrists, and drink myself into oblivion. I'm in agony, but I don't know why. All I want is for someone to save me from this, to come and say, "I see you, I see your pain, I know why you feel like this, and I can help you fix it." Is that too much to ask? "Current takes me, breath escapes me, inducing coma sleep. Close my eyes, I'm paralyzed, finally at peace."

I'm so feeling your pain today. Can't get thoughts out of my head about killing myself, drinking into oblivion, or hurting myself...I can't take this today. I hate life. Why does no one understand IRL?

[shezbut]

I am feeling everything. My mood is changing very rapidly, strongly. There are good parts ~ and there are painful parts. My habit of negativity makes those painful parts stick with me longer. They're harder to lose.

[Alter]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I don't know where I stand. I fantasize about killing myself. And I fantasize about [my mental/emotional issues] being fixed. I'm sitting here wanting to rip my hair out, shred my wrists, and drink myself into oblivion. I'm in agony, but I don't know why. All I want is for someone to save me from this, to come and say, "I see you, I see your pain, I know why you feel like this, and I can help you fix it." Is that too much to ask? "Current takes me, breath escapes me, inducing coma sleep. Close my eyes, I'm paralyzed, finally at peace."

Omg, thats exactly how i feel.

[Lefty_Mac]

Hello my BPD fellas, Lefty's back to check out how are y'all. Me? I'm fine, working and well, sometimes people look at me funny on the streets and as opposed to feel like crap, I make em feel like crap and scare them away. It's like the opposite now; and it feels great.

Have my ups and downs but I'm very much in a higher plateau now. How did I get there? I've FOUGHT. And I still keep on fighting. Going back to college next year. My work is with Mozilla on the development of the Firefox browser. I'm far from being through in my healing process since I have to learn how to channel all that aggressiveness and rage fits into something positive, and the fact that I'm already working with people and exercising patience and not having a go at them; much to the contrary, indicates progress.

On the other hand my poor bedroom walls and sundry things in my room suffer from being punched and kicked almost every day lol...and yeah, sometimes I pop an extra concerta, but hardly so. Another thing I gotta stop is chasing my ex-friends to physically harm them, but that goes without saying. At least all of them have heard from me, and see how they run...I don't wanna go to jail.

I wanna live y'know, but I'm not afraid to die, even if slowly and painfully. What's that compared with 34 years living like (censored)?

I live for today, but have my feet on the ground and know my stance and know what I must and what I can't do. I also know that many of the things that I could attribute to my own condition, if done CONSCIOUSLY, then I DO take responsibility for my acts. I don't like humans in general; just the few select people that must work hard as hell to gain my trust. I might be a monstrosity conceived by my father but I'm no longer his son nor part of his entire family except for the virulent genes and upbringing he gave me, but now I know better and AM better than pretty much everyone I felt inferior to. Did I go to the polar opposite and let my ego get bloated? Nah. I'm part of all these people named Homo Sapiens who'd do a great service to the other fellas in this orb by poofing themselves out of existence, but I refuse to even let a cockroach be killed nowadays so at least I feel better. Delusional? Maybe. AWARE?

Totally. Don't kid yourselves, boys and girls. I've got a long way to go yet, but I know I'm going the right way. Fight, fellas, fight. Don't give up. Stop whining and do something about it. Seek therapy. Watch a movie. Punch walls, break things instead of cutting yourselves, Listen to MUSIC. It heals souls. Try to focus on something to work. Look at the outside, not the inside. Easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. Take your meds the right way assuming they haven't been introduced in the market after 2001. Scream, cuss out loud, in the streets, on your window. Anything goes as long as you're not hurting yourselves and the people who truly love you.

I'm getting there. It's steep and hard and sometimes I slide back but I insist on climbing it. Once I said here I was starting my life at 34. No I'm not. I'm going on with my life at 34 on a different direction; time isn't on my side as I thought it was. I'll be 41 when I finish college. I have a lot of fears and doubts and am very insecure more often than as self-assured as I sound here, but seeing as we're organisms in the process of decomposition the day we are brought into the world, then we must seize that time.

It's working for me, at least.

Toodles!

Of all the characters in GoT and the one I most relate to is The Hound.

Go figure lol

[Espresso]

I can share very real and honest bits of myself on this site, but I can't bring myself to share the same things with my therapist. I feel embarrassed by what's going on in my head. The one person in real life that I should be able to be honest with is my therapist. But I can't. I've given up on therapy. I still go because I still the irrational hope that it will help, but I don't know what the point is anymore.

Feeling like a rollercoaster of emotions. Not sure what direction I'm headed??

[Lefty_Mac]

Here's the deal: I can't even bring myself to use that mood thingy there cos I think it's pathetic. I can't sleep nor work properly because I'm drained to the point of being almost comatose due to incessant nightmares that won't give my mind peace for at least one hour. I can't stop working but all I want is a little wooden house in the woods with absolute silence and nothing but papers, my old '57 Remington, ramen noodles, water, coffee, a pan, a kettle, and some boxes of cigarettes plus a coupla pillows, a mattress, a blanket and fuel for lamps plus matches and bic lighters. PERIOD. There's no rollercoaster. there's nothing I feel that I can relate to with anyone in here. I go nilly willy from place to place to actually feel more and more disgusted with anyone. This is rather a rant than a whine as usually found here, because everybody complains and does nothing about it. I'm not stopping on the tracks by no means in no way, I'm gonna do something about this. Yet you people don't do anything. Imbeciles.

[Espresso]

I'm disgusted with myself. I'm a failure.

[Achy Turtle Armor]

I'm so stupid!

I just came up with a stupid excuse to text my T then sent basically a "never mind." I look even more foolish and desperate than before. I know that he won't reply to it either. I'm too impulsive.

[Blue_velvet09]

Haven't been on here in a while..
Thought I've bee doing really well these past couple of months, and now everything has changed. I'm slowly ruining the relationship I only have.
I feel so breathless, so out of control, so embarrassed. I'm ugly, antisocial, stupid, and worthless. There's no point anymore.
I guess I really do have the birthday blues

[Britneigh]

Another day home alone...I'm so tired of being alone all the time. Time to crack open a few cold ones to numb it all.

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by Blue_velvet09

Haven't been on here in a while..
Thought I've bee doing really well these past couple of months, and now everything has changed. I'm slowly ruining the relationship I only have.
I feel so breathless, so out of control, so embarrassed. I'm ugly, antisocial, stupid, and worthless. There's no point anymore.
I guess I really do have the birthday blues

Happy Birthday, (((((((bluevelvet))))))))!!!!!! 🎉🎈🎂🎁🎈🎉

[shezbut]

I am exhausted! My older daughter has long, thick wavy hair & we've been fighting lice since Friday. I've done 13 loads of laundry, vaccumed like mad, hand-washed furniture, etc. Her poor tender head! She really can't take much more...but I HAVE to do it anyway..of course. What an exhausting weekend!

The scent of the new air freshener my mother put in the care makes me want to cry.

I don't understand this.

[Verity81]

Originally Posted by Espresso

I can share very real and honest bits of myself on this site, but I can't bring myself to share the same things with my therapist. I feel embarrassed by what's going on in my head. The one person in real life that I should be able to be honest with is my therapist. But I can't. I've given up on therapy. I still go because I still the irrational hope that it will help, but I don't know what the point is anymore.

Im also embarrassed about the things going on in my head. It is hard to tell your therapist and I thought he was gonna say 'wow your a fruitcake!' But he deals primarily with BPD and so nothing I say no matter how odd I thought it shocked him. That really helps cos I know I'm not alone and those with BPD have a lot in common. That's why I am glad I found this forum

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[cryingontheinside]

Tired but peaceful. Relieved im catching up with my bills. Nearly re-organised the flat, christmas presents for my children already sorted, not last minute.com this year which makes me feel relaxed and content.

[Britneigh]

I'm such a burden.

You'd think when it when it comes to my mother I would used to coming second and yet it never gets any easier.

[jeremiahgirl]

Id say my day was better than yesterday. Today my T and I had a long discussion about my anger at my mother, I guess you can say I'm dealing with mother issues. The word mother almost a "tigger" word for me. Over the weekend I was so emotionally upset that I had a very bad headache, therefore I took all types of my prescriptions (mine) but almost to over dose point. I didn't plan it's ut just got so distracted by my emotional upset. I hope to never do that again. I'm better but frustrated.

[cryingontheinside]

I have a really foggy head like i have been sleeping too long

[Britneigh]

I bought a skinny pig to make myself feel better. I adore him. He and my guinea pig get along for the most part. They're figuring it all out.

[Jebo94]

I feel so empty, and useless and hated. All I want is to die

[Side of the Angels]

Struggling big time. Realizing the past few weeks that BPD affects me more than I'd like to admit it does, which in turn unfairly affects my family and friends. I need to go back to Pdoc. So over this.

[Side of the Angels]

Originally Posted by Jebo94

I feel so empty, and useless and hated. All I want is to die

We gotta keep on keepin on and get some help. It will not get better if we do not do something. I am so sorry you are struggling, I know exactly what you are feeling... it does get better, it is not forever. Keep on.