[RuhmaRose]

Heyyy there I'm new to Psych Central and I've never used a forum before o_o so...yep. Hi everybody ^________^

How do you experience dissociation and paranoia? I'm supposing it's different for every Borderline patient.

For me, when I dissociate it's sometimes completely random but usually when I look at a person (especially myself in the mirror) for a few moments. Suddenly everything looks off..it's like you're in a totally different state of mind. I try to bring myself back by focussing on the details of whatever it is...like the facial features but that usually makes it seem/look weirder. Sometimes it's feeling disconnected to my body, like when I'm writing and looking at my hand I suddenly feel like I'm not controlling it. It's very scary and I always thought it was something that happened to everyone.

Paranoia......
Whenever I hear laughter I always think that people are laughing at me. When someone looks at me I always feel that they're giving me a menacing/judgemental look or are giving me dirts. When people talk to me I over assess the things they say, their tone when they're speaking, body language and I always come to the conclusion that they were being hostile.

On the more extreme end, I sometimes have had thoughts that my family were plotting against me, planning to do something horrible to me whenever I was away from them or in my room asleep. Nowadays I always feel like I'm being watched by my family. Sometimes I have a little check around in my room after school - in corners or in the cupboard/wardrobe/shelves in case my mum put a camera there and was filming me or maybe they bought bugs and bugged my room. It's a possibility and that's why my mind can't rule it out! It's never been an issue - just a quick check and I feel some relief. However, I now know none of these things are normal.

I had full blown paranoid delusions. To the point I was so convinced everyone in my life were competing in some sort of competition to get me to kill myself that I attempted suicide and left a note allocating points to those I thought most contributed to my death. (So they wouldn't have to argue over who deserved the prize.)

I couldn't have posters on my wall or look at photos in news papers because I was convinced the people in them were watching me.

There was also a period where I thought maybe I was on a T.V. show like in The Truman Show or that I was some cruel science experiment but neither of those were as fleshed out as the suicide competition.

They actually resulted in an argument with my pdoc because they weren't things I told him when I'd seen him previously so when I finally gathered the courage to tell him he insisted that there had to have been a trigger no matter what I said about having these feelings for years. Eventually I had to give him some BS story about something that had happened months before hand and that I felt hadn't really had much effect.

Dissociation wise sometimes I get feelings like I am not real but for the most part it's never been a serious issue. It's kind of like I'm floating on a cloud watching everything rather than a participating party. Everything seems dull and cardboard like but I continue doing what I'm supposed to because I don't know what else to do. lol

[SkyWhite]

My type of paranoia is pretty mild. I usually think people who matter to me don't really like me and are talking behind my back saying bad things about me. Happens all the time.

My dissociation, on the other hand, can be quite extreme. I'm completely gone, like I've blacked out. Or the all my surroundings change and become all distorted and my body is contorted in odd ways and not where it is before the episode.

Once I started dissociating while I was driving and it was very scary. Luckily I didn't have far to go.

[LemonZest35]

I can be pretty paranoid. I misread people's faces all the time; I always assume people think I'm stupid. Occasionally I will find myself thinking, "That person can read my mind" and in the moment be completely convinced of it. That's a little scary. As for dissociation, YES - it's gotten better but there are times when I will struggle to stay present. It's amazing how easy it is for me to mentally check out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[PreciousPiglets]

Originally Posted by RuhmaRose

Heyyy there I'm new to Psych Central and I've never used a forum before o_o so...yep. Hi everybody ^________^

How do you experience dissociation and paranoia? I'm supposing it's different for every Borderline patient.

For me, when I dissociate it's sometimes completely random but usually when I look at a person (especially myself in the mirror) for a few moments. Suddenly everything looks off..it's like you're in a totally different state of mind. I try to bring myself back by focussing on the details of whatever it is...like the facial features but that usually makes it seem/look weirder. Sometimes it's feeling disconnected to my body, like when I'm writing and looking at my hand I suddenly feel like I'm not controlling it. It's very scary and I always thought it was something that happened to everyone.

Paranoia......
Whenever I hear laughter I always think that people are laughing at me. When someone looks at me I always feel that they're giving me a menacing/judgemental look or are giving me dirts. When people talk to me I over assess the things they say, their tone when they're speaking, body language and I always come to the conclusion that they were being hostile.

On the more extreme end, I sometimes have had thoughts that my family were plotting against me, planning to do something horrible to me whenever I was away from them or in my room asleep. Nowadays I always feel like I'm being watched by my family. Sometimes I have a little check around in my room after school - in corners or in the cupboard/wardrobe/shelves in case my mum put a camera there and was filming me or maybe they bought bugs and bugged my room. It's a possibility and that's why my mind can't rule it out! It's never been an issue - just a quick check and I feel some relief. However, I now know none of these things are normal.

Wow, this is exactly like me! I figured this was somewhat normal, especially the paranoia part, but once I started going to a therapist, I realized it's just part of my BPD symptoms. I never knew much about dissociation until I really blanked out during driving, so I went online and learned more about it. Now I realize I do it all the time. It's crazy!

[atomicc]

Hmm in terms of paranoia I also think that laughter is always about me. Any time someone around me laughs or talks to someone else I know it's about me and become hostile and freak out. I can't seem to see that no one is even paying attention to me most likely. Also since I was a child I thought that when my parents are drunk (which was and still is very often) that they will get so drunk and angry they will accidentally murder me in my sleep. :/ I see people looking and judging me and I'm not always positive that's actually happening. I may be just seeing things.
Dissociation can happen without warning. Usually my boyfriend snaps me out of it. Apparently my eyes glaze over and I breathe different staring into space. Stress can make it happen. Sometimes I say things and thirty seconds later I don't even remember speaking.

[RuhmaRose]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I had full blown paranoid delusions. To the point I was so convinced everyone in my life were competing in some sort of competition to get me to kill myself that I attempted suicide and left a note allocating points to those I thought most contributed to my death. (So they wouldn't have to argue over who deserved the prize.)

I couldn't have posters on my wall or look at photos in news papers because I was convinced the people in them were watching me.

There was also a period where I thought maybe I was on a T.V. show like in The Truman Show or that I was some cruel science experiment but neither of those were as fleshed out as the suicide competition.

They actually resulted in an argument with my pdoc because they weren't things I told him when I'd seen him previously so when I finally gathered the courage to tell him he insisted that there had to have been a trigger no matter what I said about having these feelings for years. Eventually I had to give him some BS story about something that had happened months before hand and that I felt hadn't really had much effect.

Dissociation wise sometimes I get feelings like I am not real but for the most part it's never been a serious issue. It's kind of like I'm floating on a cloud watching everything rather than a participating party. Everything seems dull and cardboard like but I continue doing what I'm supposed to because I don't know what else to do. lol

Oh wow that sounds so scary I tend to get these 'waves' of thoughts where I think God designed the whole world to work against me and that I'm the only one with a real conscious. Either that or I just feel like everyone's working together on a plan to make my life hell and then kill me. But it's never been anywhere near as bad as yours. I hope you feel better now

[RuhmaRose]

Originally Posted by BeteNoire

I had full blown paranoid delusions. To the point I was so convinced everyone in my life were competing in some sort of competition to get me to kill myself that I attempted suicide and left a note allocating points to those I thought most contributed to my death. (So they wouldn't have to argue over who deserved the prize.)

I couldn't have posters on my wall or look at photos in news papers because I was convinced the people in them were watching me.

There was also a period where I thought maybe I was on a T.V. show like in The Truman Show or that I was some cruel science experiment but neither of those were as fleshed out as the suicide competition.

They actually resulted in an argument with my pdoc because they weren't things I told him when I'd seen him previously so when I finally gathered the courage to tell him he insisted that there had to have been a trigger no matter what I said about having these feelings for years. Eventually I had to give him some BS story about something that had happened months before hand and that I felt hadn't really had much effect.

Dissociation wise sometimes I get feelings like I am not real but for the most part it's never been a serious issue. It's kind of like I'm floating on a cloud watching everything rather than a participating party. Everything seems dull and cardboard like but I continue doing what I'm supposed to because I don't know what else to do. lol

Also, I totally get the cardboard thing. Like everything is meaningless and hollow. And it feels as though you see things that way because you can see better than everyone else.

[RuhmaRose]

Originally Posted by atomicc

Hmm in terms of paranoia I also think that laughter is always about me. Any time someone around me laughs or talks to someone else I know it's about me and become hostile and freak out. I can't seem to see that no one is even paying attention to me most likely. Also since I was a child I thought that when my parents are drunk (which was and still is very often) that they will get so drunk and angry they will accidentally murder me in my sleep. :/ I see people looking and judging me and I'm not always positive that's actually happening. I may be just seeing things.
Dissociation can happen without warning. Usually my boyfriend snaps me out of it. Apparently my eyes glaze over and I breathe different staring into space. Stress can make it happen. Sometimes I say things and thirty seconds later I don't even remember speaking.

It happened at least 5 times today - random people around me laughing and thinking they are laughing at me. I constantly check on my appearance to make sure I don't like have bird poop in my hair or something. I can totally relate to saying things and then immediately forgetting what I said. It's ridiculous.

[XSleepingSiren21X]

I'm dissociate at times, like when I'm doing things I have that problem like feeling I'm doing something I'm not fully, consciously aware of. Not as much like looking at my face or body, but more like doing things and activities.

As for having paranoia, I have that all the time. I'm at the extreme of being hostile and defensive when a person just walks by my room or is around me when I'm alone or looks at me. If I'm looked at, I feel like they're talking about me in their head or if they look at me and talk to someone, I get nervous or angered that I'm what they're talking about. I always feel like people are talking mean things about me or putting out rumors of me and I get paranoid people are just nice to me because I'm, to what they think, 'special'. I feel everyone thinks I'm mentally challenged or stupid.

Really I'm paranoid by just about anything. It's hard to be social or get out and have friends for most of those reasons. I hate having all eyes on me, it's uncomfortable. I hate having to be so extreme to think just a gesture or a slightest tone of voice causes paranoia and belief over so many emotions and the cause of my quick mood swings.

[dancinglady]

Same here I just did not know what it was called.

[allme]

Paranoia - YES and without a doubt I am plagued by it, even to the point where I now avoid people, which I realise isn't healthy but I plan to see people again once I am in therapy and better equipped to deal with it

Dissociation - now with this I am not entirely sure...I will often lose concentration and drift off into my head while watching tele or talking to someone. Sometimes I am listening but then realise I have no idea what they are talking about. The face thing you mentioned, I kinda get that, it's like I am looking at them but their face is almost different in some way but not...it's almost as though I am seeing them but in a different way. I don't know how else to explain it but that's as close as it comes.

[Side of the Angels]

Oh GOD I am so glad it isn't me being a F*cking weirdo again! I have dissociated since I was 8. It is usually when I am looking the mirror. Or if I look at my hands too long an they become some elses and I am gone.. or something it's weird no one really knows what I am talking about but it sounds like a lot of us have it. I am paranoid a lot. I had 2 psychotic episodes triggered by a depression in the past 2 years. One was aliens/government, EXTREME, the other was a jealousy/inswecurity thing I thought my husband was cheating on me like I followed him everywhere and smelled his underwear and wouldn't let him go anywhere by himself. It went away when I started running. I am still running, more so than ever, but it seems to be sneaking back in.. I cannot live through that again. Also when I was at the gym on the treadmill the other day i heard 2 girls behind me and i SWEAR they said omg that girl is so nasty" and I got off and when i looked at them they were like in their 40s and were NOT saying those things, it was like i created it in my head. EVERY time someone laughs I know t is at me. I always tell myself immediately, no, selfish, it is NOT always about you girl, get over yourself! It seems to help.

The other day at bed it occured to me that what if I am in fact mentally retarded and no one has told me, I am th eonly on who doesnt know it that is why I cannot kep jobs and my husband is my caregiver and I live in some special needs home... it freaked me out a bit. I am 30 year old housewife with 3 kids... I know I am not retarded but the fact that I thought I could be, anbd this is not the frst time I have had that thought... anyway... I guess we're really weird... That's where Iam at right now, still accepting this diagnosis a year later and just trying to find someone who knows... I am a fuggin weirdo...

[HD7970GHZ]

I have been paying more attention to this in my life. I really hadn't had a good understanding of what dissociation was until I began reading other's experiences with it.

I experience turmoil when others laugh. Sometimes I think they are laughing at me - but other times I just tell myself I couldn't possibly enjoy myself that much. It can be both paranoid and lonely for me to hear others laugh.

Whenever my mom gets a text message or the phone rings - I am instantly thinking one thing: my brother is calling and he is manipulating my Mom... I can't stand it. Sometimes it is not my brother - that brings me relief. But when it is my brother calling - I am instantly hurt and feeling abandoned and either fight or flee.

In social situations I typically feel like everyone hates me. Usually this is after about a month in a new crowd. Sometimes I can remain aware and battle these thoughts with opposite behaviors - but honestly it is just too painful to put myself in vulnerable places - so I fight or flee. I've quit jobs, school and creative projects because of this.

I feel like my family tries to interfere with my therapy. Sometimes I feel a block between my therapist and immediately go to that extreme. Despite reassurances the only thing that heals this is time, acceptance or the necessity to share something so very painful.

Whenever I am with my Mom or Brother - I dissociate. I literally lose my ability to remain present. That to me is how I define dissociation. I numb myself in their presence because it is litered with triggers and emotional pain - the past plays out and I imagine future occurences. Its terrible. My mom is so invalidating - that I have had to set boundaries with everything I do and say around her. She has abandoned my trust so many times that I no longer remain present around her. She is a reminder of everything bad in me. She holds no benefit of doubt for me in anything I share. So why should I be vulnerable around her and set myself up for failure? They have a lack of empathy for me, that is not love - so I just stop trying. Same goes for my brother. And sometimes my Dad.

It is soooo painful.

I can sit down for dinner with my Mom and be so spaced out that I only say one or two things and suddenly dinner is over. I liken this to - quickening a painful situation in order to escape. I avoid having to be mentally present because I am often forced to be there physically. (Family get togethers at christmas are the worst) When my Mom drives with me into the city - I am just not there anymore. I space out the entire time. In conversation she'll say things and I cannot follow. I thought I was a bad person because I wasn't a good listener - but I think it's because it is just too painful to listen. I try to listen and force myself to be present - but I am hurt so badly by it all. At some point I either fight or flee.

The problem for me - is in doing this - I bottle up all the reasons for dissociating and nothing gets solved. I am literally pushed to my limit - desiring a validating relationship with my mom, being unable to get it - and being forced to be in her presence while triggers around the fact that I will never actually be validated come in the form of intense emotions. This leads to potential for an explosion and it usually happens. Something she says will actually register and I will come out of my dissociation, confront her - then explode in anger and make matters worse.

When my brother is talking amongst my family - he is a good manipulator and sometimes the family will gather around him because he's a good, "talker." He knows of my abandonment issues. Instead of creating opportunities to involve me in the conversation in the family - or help to build me up - he will intentionally say things that he knows are triggering for me. I am sitting alone - forced to listen to all of this - but I just cannot help but be completely unable to sit through it. I cannot physically leave the room - so I dissociate. Numb myself to my brother's sociopathic ways.

My brother has had it in for me for as long as I can remember. He had held a distaste for me. He has taken every opportunity to control and manipulate in order to appear better, faster and stronger than me. The problem is - all along - he thought I actually was that threateningly good at everything person - and his manipulations only drove me further into hell.

I have years of experience doing this. Years. Makes me sick and it still bothers me. Sometimes I think that my brother caused my borderline - and the more I explore the torment he put me through - the more I realize just how bad a person he actually is.

For that reason I attribute my paranoia and need to escape on his shoulders.

Thanks,
HD7970ghz

[chasms]

I made a thread about my experiences with paranoia, I still don't know if they are part of bpd or something else, or mania..

Like you, when i hear laughing or talking i think it is about me. I think people can follow me and sometimes that they can read my mind, but when i figure it out that they are following me they read my mind then stop? I think i wont be my "true self" until i die. I think I am going to crash my car all the time and I always think i am going to get pulled over. Sometimes i think my life is set up and that everything is fake and against me. That i have powers of some sort but they are dormant because i am alive, and that my meds are only to repress the powers. This sounds a little schizotypy so idk what is up with that but i can still function, uncomfortably.

Dissociation for me takes on different flavors. Sometimes i like..black out mentally and i all of a sudden "wake up" and realize what is going on. Sometimes i get weird bodily sensations like i am not in my body. Usually though it is just me not feeling real, or feeling like my body is lagging behind my mind.

[borncatastrophe77]

I definitely have paranoia, and it's too the point that I'm not sure if the things that I'm thinking are real or my mind is messing with me and giving me this twisted thinking about my reality. I'm so so so paranoid with my husband and thinking/worrying that he is seeing other people. Every time his phone rings or he gets a text I am thinking it's another chick.
As far as dissociation, gosh !!! I read other people mentioning this before but I didn't think I had it on this way until I start paying attention to what they were actually describing.now I'm like ooohh my gooosh !!
Just today as I was driving home from work, Adobe thing started going through my mind, in not site what it was actually but it was done thing bad/hostile. Before I knew it I'm driving way to fast into the car in front of me to where I had to almost slam on my breaks. It was stop and go traffic on the highway so we weren't going very fast, but that's even more reason that I should have been paying more attention.instead I'm having flash backs/New made up hostile situations in my mind. It was like I was not aware of what was really going on at the moment until I came to.

Other times, my kids will ask me a question and I will hear them fully.But the actual words don't compute. It's like I hear the words and hear the question but I just can't translate until I ask it again.it's weird.
Another weird thing is this: I have also have ptsd. The thing about it is this, I don't get flash backs in the real sense of the meaning flash back. In my mind I will think about a New situation, made up in my head and I'll react it out how I wish it had have happened. Which usually turns out with me having some super power and right when they go to lift a hand to hit me I freeze them and they get scared and treat me better,etc, or I totally let them have it verbally and they just listen to me vent about them or set them straight. When those things go through my mind is usually when I go blank in the real world.