wtf!!!

who says i need/have to be healthy, fine or functioning??? f**k

i can SH and drink and end up IP as much as i want. i miss it.

i may well be able to pretend everything is fine, be kind and have an appropriate behavior at work and with "friends" who know nothing about me..... and i may even believe it when i act that way.... but im not like that.

i actually want to cry and scream, and fall onto the floor, make scenes and act up, whatever... im tired of not allowing myself. i know its the best thing to do but i hate it. im tired. of pretending and of behaving myself...

for what?

It may be beneficial to think about what acting out, self-harming and ending up inpatient gives you. My best guess would be that it gives you attention, and people to care about you. There is nothing wrong with being honest about how we are feeling...but acting out to get inpatient in order to get attention does waste a bed that someone else might really need.

Is there anybody in your life that you can talk and vent to when times are tough? A close friend, family member, or romantic partner? Even calling a crisis line/warm line without the intention of going IP can be helpful.

i think its not much about attention as much about making me feel ALIVE...

Like, i DO have feelings and they are REAL. not always having to hide them and pretend they dont exist.

i have no-one i can talk to except my T. but it obviously doesnt serve the purpose well enough, i guess.

but thanks SO much for answering, Scaredandconfused.

Feel free to PM me anytime you'd like. I was diagnosed BPD quite a few years ago but no longer meet the criteria. I understand how much of a draw the hospital can be, and old habits do die hard.

Your feelings are indeed real and should be validated.

what do you get from acting healthy????
why should you do it?
isnt it faking?

Well for me personally my emotional maturity grew as the years went on, and I basically grew out of it. Therapy helped a lot as well. Sometimes a trait will rear its ugly head, but it's not nearly as often as before.

I do think there is certainly some merit in the "fake it til you make it" mindset. To answer your question, trying to act healthy and do healthy activities is good for you. It helps me to see that there are positives about life and living.

But what if for me, good is bad and bad is good?

not therapy and not aging has changed this for me. it is also what i (think) i want.
so, no good from getting healthy except not having family worried... but its not (always) my first concern. i must think about myself too, right?

It's 100% up to you what you choose to do. But I imagine you will eventually find that going in and out of hospital, self-harming and drinking too much will ultimately bring you more pain and suffering. I hope that someday you will be able to come out of the cycle.

Chaotically pre-determined emotional expressions predicated on reinforced notions of what is acceptable vs unacceptable behavior relative to perceived values of significance regarding factors outside our control.

Sure, you want to scream, cry, and curse at the heavens, and damned the fools around you, because they don't understand, they don't get it. Why should you focus so much of your time and effort on appeasing those whom seemingly hold no regard for your emotional state of mind.

Perhaps you're experienced, even skilled, in the art of deception. Leading those around you to believe something that isn't, but what will that get you?.

A negative feedback loop that you can't get rid of, and that you feel you can't speak about with those nearest to you.

........Just as with feelings, friends, and being alive, you get in return what you put in. So what are you willing to put in?.

Are you willing to risk it all, for your life's greatest purpose?.

Then tear down the walls, and confront someone about how you feel, REALLY Talk to them; don't just go through the motions. Let it all out, but in a compassionate, respectful, and mindful manner that informs while also encouraging discussion and growth.

You don't need to drink, to feel alive. You don't need to self-harm or turn into a crazed public lunatic to get what you want. There's a better way.

You're mean so much to so many people, including yourself, and your worth fighting for yourself.

This isn't a pretend fairytail everyone has chosen to secretly accept, this is the life we've been given, and we're all in it together on this planet.

As for right now, if you need to find ways to calm yourself, I'd suggest doing what I do, and shopping for things you can't afford on newegg.com.

Thanks, well... I doubt it will change, or i will change, i see no gain...

Meanwhile... right now i'm so pissed, work issues... I could explode. Its a minor thing, but its what infuriates me the most... schedule change at last minute when i had all well planned... and i keep this fake smile on my face, as if it didnt touch me... But i cant do otherwise...

I'm just so f***ing tired of all these duties, of things going wrong or last minute changes etc. I took meds to calm down...
I wish i could go to sleep and not only never wake up, but also never have to wake up. I cant calm down my mind today...

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh

it must be hard to pay all those hospital bills.

We do not pay them here, and that is not really the point anyway

GrandMasterJamJam, sorry, only now i have seen your post... sorry but you talk in a difficult way for me, i havent understood much of what you wanted to say... do you feel like explaining me in a simpler way? Thanks for answering, anyway...

I feel chaos right now, about everything.... a bunch of not identified feelings

Sorry to hear you are going through a rough time, sinking.

Are there any activities you enjoy doing that may help to distract you from this chaos? I personally love playing video games, particularly Final Fantasy XIV, but any healthy/neutral activity can be helpful during these times.

I'm mad about work
Guilty about parents
Hurt by friend
Worried about future
Needy with T
Frustrated about my life
Relieved but sad about love
Hopeless about myself
Cant see any way out so i numb myself
With alcohol and pills
But solves nothing.
And i try to feel alive and validate my own feelings by SHing and
Fantasizing about losing control, or by writing here...

Distractions? TV, work, pets, food... But i'm not sure i want distractions. I want it all open in the air, get it out, hoping to find a sloution that doesnt exist...

Im at work... sometimes it feels like i cant breathe... shaking, flashes, tired... dont know why

Work can be very stressful. Remember to take conscious, deep breaths. Focus on your breathing, and on the work task at hand.

Something that helps me to get through my shifts is to break them down into blocks. I work 9-5, sometimes 8 hours feels like a long time and like I won't get through. So I'll break the day into 4 blocks:

Around 11am, I take my first break
Around 1pm, I take my lunch
Around 3:30pm, I take my last break
And at 5, I'm done!

It may seem weird but it helps me to break the day into smaller blocks. When I arrive at lunch time, I'm already halfway through and it doesn't seem so daunting anymore. Perhaps that would also be helpful for you?

Thanks, i do it too...

Lately, i just feel theres this alive thing inside of me, like a snake fighting to get out and that i cant control, not all the time.

I want to OD

Sounds like you need a healthy dose of anti-psychotics to blunt those suicidal/self-harm thoughts.

Probably need a hug as well.

*Internet Hugs*

It's going to be okay, just breath. In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Alternatively, if you feel like you deserve pain in some fashion, you could always try doing what I used to do (which helped a ton) and take freezing cold showers. I used to jump in the shower when it was warm, meditate and breath for about 5 minutes while sitting cross-legged in the tub, then when I felt prepared I'd stand up, breath, and slam it all the way to the coldest temperature I could get.

It has this intensely gratifying effect on the mind. Completely snaps you back to reality, and after awhile (I was doing this every day for 3 years) it starts to feel really good and calming.

I'd just stand there in the cold, turning clockwise to make sure I didn't miss a spot, and after putting my head under the water and taking in and letting out a couple deep quick breaths in order to manage the shock, I would sit down cross-legged again, and meditate while breathing in the cold water.

Talking about it actually makes me want to go and have one right now, haha.
You should give it a try.