It has been ____days since I purged.

I can believe it.

Congratulations!

Yesterday was day 14. Holy s!?!$. I'm unsure if I can hold off another day though.

More congratulations!

What can help you hold off for today?

Hang in there!

Great job harmonyinheart! You can do it

day 55 I have been overeating a bit, but I have NOT binged or purged which is the main thing, just got to stay on track. Can't believe this weekend will be 60 whole days

That's amazing! Great job. Your success is encouraging

I slipped and BP'd last night. I made it 14 days without. Back to day one today.

Congratulations harmonyinheart for your long run of 14 days! No one can take that away from you. Hang in there, you can start another good run!

What was going on such that you slipped?

I think the pressure of maintaining such a streak of no BPingwas part of it. I was so concerned about when it would happen next and had so many obsessive thoughts regarding it I gave in with the foolish hope that these would go away. I felt if I do it now than it will be days before I will feel like I [I]should[I] do it or days before I worry about holding out because I hate it so much it will be not a problem for a few days after I do do it. If that makes sense.

Yes, it makes sense to me that a streak can itself become a source of added pressure, and that you could think about it as you did, and then BP almost as an experiment if you will, to see if the thoughts would go away.

What did you find out: to what extent did the thoughts go away, at least for a time?

Was 14 days your longest streak ever, or in a long time?

I think that you are doing good work right now on BP, , even though you had that slip. It sounds like it might be helpful to think about and/or speak to your therapist about how to deal with the pressure that may come again if you go a long time without BP.

Well the specific thoughts about BPing have left- the worries about when will I do it next and how long can I hold out etc. now I just think about how I hate it- which isn't so bad I guess. But if the past predicts the future this will last a few days and then I will start debating with myself again

And the 14 day streak was the longest having gone without in a long time, not ever. I actually began throwing up when I was in the hospital for anorexia in 2000. After being released I was severlybbulimic in no time. Then, for years, I would go through periods of remission and periods where the bulimia and anorexic tendencies and thoughts reigned. In college the bulimia worsened more than ever, around 2007-2011. Much of that time was I bulimic, terribly so. Than after graduation I'm 2012 I moved in with my mom as I couldn't afford my own place anymore so I only purged and BPd occasionally. That is, until this March. It returned with a vengeance. I have BPd more since March than I have in the last five years combined, about 100 times at least. It became almost daily very quickly. Then in May I decreased the frequency a little and June a little more and in July I purged only 5 times. Last night was my first in a August, first in two weeks.

So I know I can go without for a lot longer because I have. I just have to get there. It's just I find so much safety in my ED behaviors. I wish I had a counselor that specialized in EDs. I used to, two different ones actually, but one left her practice and my insurance stopped covering the other.

I have Medicare as my primary insurance because I'm on SSDI, and they only cover counselors with a social work degree or licensure-there are none with those credentials and ED specialization anywhere remotely close to me. My new counselor has work d with EDs but made it clear she is not in any way a specialist. My psychiatrist is trying to work a bit with me on it, but we have a lot else to work on. I had a dietician for almost four years but Medicare won't pay for nutritional services now unless I'm in renal failure, diabetic or getting a kidney transplant. Ridiculous insurance.
So I will only be seeing my dietician every 6 weeks and paying out of pocket rather than the once a week visits. She specializes in EDs so was helpful for a lot more than mere nutritional counseling.
That was long winded. I am sorry. Had to get it out I guess.

Thanks for all of your ongoing support. I really really appreciate it.

Thank you for your kind words, and for sharing so much.

What do.you suppose accounts for the return of BP, starting in March?

I'm really sorry that insurance does not cover the support that you need and could and would really use.

Well my bipolar took a Turn for the worst this past winter. A depressive episode and mixed features began last summer and it gradually just turned really dark and my depression bottomed out around February. My dad passed away from cancer in December- i didn't see him since last July though as he lived in oHio for his job. So that didn't help matters. I began ECT treatments for the depression the beginning of February (2 x a week for twelve treatments, then 1 x a week for four or five then every other week, etc.; we are at one every three weeks now for maintenance treatments) Then the end of February my 94 year old grandmother who I had been helping tontake care of with my mom fell and broke her pelvis. She was at the local nursing home/ rehab center then. March 3 they sent her to the hospital and they discovered her organs were beginning to shut down. She was put on hospice then. We thought she would pass in a matter of days, doctors too, but she hung on for two months. May 1st she passed away. But for over two months , almost every day I would seee her and it hurt so badly because she was always so independent and then so helpless it seemed. So that didn't help matters, either

Between deaths and the bipolar I think I turned to bulimia full force because I couldn't handle facing reality anymore. I needed the reprieve, though fleeting, from everything and bulimia offers me that.

I'm so sorry for your the loss of your father and grandmother. I'm so sorry that you had that extremely rough time during which bulimia seemed to offer the only version of haven, solace, and support that you could find.

(((((harmonyinheart)))))



I suspect that now, three months+ after the loss of your grandmother, you are still grieving for your losses and for all that you suffered during those many harrowing months.

I really admire the strength, endurance, and resilience that you have demonstrated. And, given all that has happened so recently, it think it is really quite amazing that you went 14 days without BP. You have a lot of determination. I also admire the candor and intelligence with which you speak about your difficulties.

What was your life like before things fell apart--say, about a year ago? Before bipolar took a turn for the worse.

You are very kind, very kind. Thank you for your support and understanding. It is priceless, thank you.

Before my bipolar took a turn for the worse, it was still a struggle. I started smoking pot and drinking again in the fall of 2015, stopped the alcohol in a few months but the pot took a litttle longer to give back up. I'm sober for a long time now. But it has been a rough handful of years. I graduated in 2012 and began working full time for a group home for adults with mental illnesss (oh the irony, right?!) immediately following graduation. Within a few months the mixed symptoms started to be disruptive and in April 2013 I took leave from work and in May took official FMLA leave for three months while my doctor and I tried to bring my mind back to health. I lasted like two weeks when I returned to work and was then nearly back to where I had been when I took leave in the first place. At my psychiatrist's suggestion I applied for disability. Before starting to work, I hadn't even been able to get through a college term at full time for a few years already- the bipolar always became too much. And I was on and off with bulimia/bulimirexia since high school (graduated 2004). The ED has really been with me since I was 14. The bipolar, anxiety disorder and OCD combined with the ED really muddles everything and the ED is so affected by all those things and those things affect the ED too. Finally in Nov of 2016 the SS decision was finally favorable and I have been on disability since.
Okay, I don't think I really answered your question yet.

I don't know how to answer it, really. It seems like I have spent so long with I'll health it is hard to remember what life was and can be like. There were periods, though they have grown increasingly minimal as the years have passed, that I was in remisssion. I did have times when I was happy for noreason other than not being depressed or manic. I do miss that. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, I'm not miserable 24/7- I have days that are good and days that are bad. And a lot of days both. Happiness my doctor tells me is not th goal of treatment, and I guess he is right. But the capacity for it, I consider,is.

You described how difficult those years after April 2013 were for you, as witnessed in part by the temporary returns to alcohol and pot that you described. How much was your father suffering during those years? And then, when you finally received justice in the form of your approval for SS disability, 3.5 years after you first took leave from work, your father passed away and everything else unfolded as you described. You must feel as if bad events and ill health will just never end. As you said, it is hard to remember what life was and can be like.

My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for everything that you have endured.



How are you doing with regard to your grief? Grieving takes time, and I expect that it is still often quite raw for you. I am wondering how much, if any, lessening of grief you are experiencing in the past few weeks.

This coming Saturday marks 60 days

Well done Blue_Bird! ☺

Amazing, blue bird. Utterly amazing.

I've slipped but am on the rebound and today is day 5 with no BPing

Today will be day nine with out a bulimic episode

You're doing great harmony!

I'm on day 72 or 73

Congratulations Blue_Bird!

Today marks 90 days

Congratulations Blue_Bird!!!

Good luck, Mood.

Sorry... I forgot I was on the first page of this thread, and got drawn into Moodswing's story.

Congrats to bluebird, too!