I need help

Eskielover

Checking in again ... thanks for your comments and thoughts on all of this. I have to agree that the ptsd doesn't go away. i've buried it for years, sometimes more successfuly than at other times. Even when I'm acting normal, the rage is just under the skin.

Now I find that kindness evokes emotions that are out of the ordinary. Kindness from one person to another brings tears. Kindness for me almost brings a panic.

After chatting here in PC about all of these things I thought I'd just try revealing just a little about childhood experiences and a glimpse of combat to someone who really considers me to be a friend.

They were "understanding." They did not hate me. They actually offered a listening ear in the future if I needed it (lol, if I need it). But when it was all over, after I was away from there, I almost panicked over having told these things. I emailed back and told the friend that chances were highly unlikely that I'd need to discuss any of it ever again ... and i dropped out of the group where we had become "friends."

Within the next few weeks I'll have a chance to tell my VA doc about ptsd. After years of answering VA medical interview questions with lies and avoiding the diagnosis of PTSD, I'd be asking for help if I bring this up. I don't even know how to approach the subject.

Do I just say I want to be evaluated for PTSD? What if she asks why I think that? What if I cannot even speak about it? What if I just break into tears? What if I panic? What if she refers me to a shrink and then i don't have nerve enough to keep the appointment? How do i tell my family that I have the appointment?

I don't know if I have the courage to even admit that I need help. It's one thing to tell it in this anonymous forum, but quite another to tell someone in person. The comment about the shrink waiting for me to talk ... whew... that's even scarier than thinking they'll ask questions. My experience with military shrinks has been one of using them to get people discharged, not one of finding help. I don't trust any shrink, mil or civilian. My impression is that they'll want to hold my brain in their hands and manipulate me.

I don't know if I have the courage to go to the shrink that the doc will refer me to. Even as i write this, i find myself just shaking my head. no. I can't do it. I can't sit with someone face to face and tell of these horrors. I can't tell them of what these feelings have caused me to do. I can't tell the thoughts that run through my mind.

People know me as a nice guy ... if they only knew who I really am.

Intellectually, I know that I need help ... emotionally, I can't do it. i don't know if ptsd gets worse with age, but after a few years of extreme symptoms it all calmed down. Now, it's popping up from many directions. I feel like such a hypocrite, a liar, a poser.

Apologies for the rambling

T.

Zorah ... thanks. It would be easier to just put it on "full oughta get em" and let the little bees fly out into the atmosphere. Sometimes I have thoughts like those of your friend. Nothings going to happen but it makes me even more aware that I should visit the pro's. I just don't think there is enough courage to ask for help or to visit the shrinks or to let my family know that the time has come to get some assistance. Maybe all of this is what causes warriors to keep going into the face of danger...it's the only place we can find peace.

Troy,

I understand where you are coming from completely:
Maybe you could say that you through you were doing fine until these things have started happening.....(they you can tell then if you are having anger problems that are coming out....if you are having nightmares, flashbacks.....or whatever generally what you are experiencing). You could say that you thought they would go away, but you have found that it's not going away a is getting less & less able to control...that way it covers lying about the past...as it's actually true in that you thought you could control how you were feeling & thinking but is does seem to be becomming a problem since the control you thought was working hasn't been working lately.

You could say that you have been reading about & talking to others who have combat PTSD & you are getting the feeling that is what might be happening to you. They can take the general examples you gave them & I am sure they will be suggest that you be evaluated for PTSD without your having to directly ask (of course, if they don't....then you might have to become more direct). But any good VA Dr will be familiar with PTSD & should be able to get what you are saying to them immediately.

I would imagine that the shrinks that deal with PTSD have to be very specialized...not just the quacks (sorry if I use the wrong work) that get people out of the military......this is a whole different specialty & believe me, it's definitely a specialty. The military should have dealt with this way back with all the wars....know my Dad who came home from the Europe theater in WWII was really messed the rest of his life from it & the man I talked about that was in outpatient therapy with me now that he was elderly & dealing with dementia.....those were most of all the memories he was dealing with.....personally, I think I would rather deal with them at this point & handle them as best as I could rather than be haunted so badly later on in life....not that some memories won't be there but not as vivid as if they haven't been handles prior to that point in life.

Ok, this is a very important point I want to make here....there are times expecially in the middle of a war, that forces us into a stressful situation & we are forced toact & do things that we would never do outside of that situation. Those actions can not be taken out of context in any judgment of "nice/not nice" person. When we are forced to act outside of our character it is all that more difficult to live with those memories. Sometimes when we are in situations like that, it's almost as if it was not even us that acted or reacted.....as if we were watching someone else. I never understood that feeling until I experienced a mild form of that feeling with my Mothers death & the trauma that the home care person caused. I am supposing that if I experienced such a feeling from something so much less traumatic...I can only imagine how much worse it must be in a war environment.

Always remember that you are the nice person that you are....you are no longer in the war & no longer the person who had to react in that way our of protection to yourself & the others around you. You were is situations where you had to do things that you never would have to do in any other environment......even though the thoughgs haunt you, you are no longer that person who had to react that way.....& when you don't have to react, you are the nice person that you know yourself as & as the others know you as also.

Sometimes no matter how long it takes (not like you are going to blurt everything out on the first appointment), it's good to get the thoughts out & if nothing else, dump them on someone who is paid to get dumped on & help you at the same time.....therapists/psychologists who are trained to deal with combat PTSD will understand what you are going through & will be sympathetic to your feelings.....feelings you are very entitled to having.....not only that, but they are feelings that people from every war had, but never were able to acknowledge & came out in many horrible ways after WWII & the Korean war....even after Nam, not many acknowledged PTSD. I know when I was in college (back in the 70's, I dated a guy that has served in Nam.....what a mess that war left him in......such a nice person.....such horrible experiences & fear of never knowing who was safe or not).

It is about time we have the help that our military people have needed for so long.....it would be a shame to not use the help that is provided rather than to try & deal with it only to have the everything haunt you closed up inside....only to come out later in life like the man that from WWII who was dealing with it finally in the middle of his dementia.

You deserve the help that is available....especially since you know there is a problem....it will only be time until all around you become aware of that problem.....something that can't be kept hidden forever.

You have more than earned your right to be helped.....for all you have done for our country....that is the least our country can do for yo.

I know I didn't trust psychologists let alone pdocs when I first had problems.....it takes time to build up that trust.....that is all part of the therapy process is getting to know each other....it's not like we just sit down & solve the problem.

Take the step......you can see where & how it takes you....if it doesn't work out....there is no reason you are forced to continue....your family will probably be getting a little glimps that you are having prblems.....& who knows, they might be wishing that you would get help too & just afraid to say anything about it.

You have more than earned the right to the healing you deserve,
Debbie

Good to see you back Troy. hon don't worry about not being able to tell the horror stories! trust me..those pdocs at the VA have heard it all. You won't be the first to tell them and you won't be the last hon. it don't all come out at one time. you talk to them as you feel you can. please though talk to someone irl to get some of this off your shoulders hon. no you will never forget but it sure helps.

Reading all of these encouraging and caring remarks brings tears, some choking, and low level panic. Being so emotional about kindness and caring makes me feel totally out of control and crazy.

Yesterday i was required by law to be in this group that had to wait and wait for inane leaders to make decisions. The key person actually went to sleep as things progressed. I felt like I was in a cage. Except for the extreme consequences, I would have told them how stupid these proceedings are and how incompetent they appeared. i would have walked out.

then I was in another group voluntarily and as conversation continued, I just wanted to escape. It truly felt like I was captive. I was ready to explode. But the "nice guy" buried the rage and waited out the clock to prevent embarrassing others and creating a situation I didn't know how to deal with either. years of practice give me a blank look with smiles at appropriate times. I just cannot participate in that group discussion, no matter how important the topic or how strong my opinions. i clam up and want to escape. I don't know if this is a symptom of ptsd, but it is very strong.

I have no allegiance to people in the first group. I will have to return for more of the same idiotic process, but it is for only a short duration. I will not be selected for any of the decision making process nor would I want to be included. After so many experiences of determining the fate of others, I refuse to be a part of the system that is so fickle in its judgments. And I know I have done worse than those being judged.

the second group ... these people all express warmth and kindness toward me. They don't know me, probably never will, but their efforts to include me in their "friendship" is very threatening to me. As they get to know a little of my past, the questions are very predictable and their remarks are very predictable.

i get so frustrated because I just don't care about who they know with these same experiences. i don't care about which of their relatives or friends was also in the service. and their curiosity always leads them to ask about my own injuries ... i can see the questions bulging in their eyes when I give only vague replies, answering their questions with a single word - "combat." But experience shows that if I give more information than that, the predictable string of comments follows. And i just don't care.

The very bold even persist with opposing questions to draw me out. I've told my story many times, but when the curiosity of these rude people persists, I lock up my stories and continue with vague replies. Can't they see that I'm trying to change the subject? Is fulfilling their curiosity worth the emotional wounds they open?

Not long ago someone asked the dreaded question ... "did you kill anyone?" Of course, it isn't the first time I've heard the question. And as before, they don't know what danger they are in when they do this, not so much physical danger, but they would get a touch of the emotional conflict if I opened the door to my rage at their ignorance. do they think I'd really want to befriend someone who asks such stupid questions?

My apologies for this long rambling reply. Maybe I say these things to avoid the real decision that I must face about telling the doc I need help. Your ideas about how to approach this are very helpful. i'll probably have to tell it through tears, but it makes sense to explain that I've been learning more about PTSD and think that my control of these things isn't working as well as it used to. I don't even know if ptsd is the right diagnosis, but it seems like it.

Your remark about truly being the good guy that others see feels good. I know that combat is an extraordinary environment. I know the things done in combat can be the opposite of what sane people would choose to do. I'd kind of lost sight of all of that. Recognizing this is valuable, but I don't know if it helps remove the other symptoms that recur.

Just a few days remain before this opportunity to speak with the doc. Oh, i could do it at any time before or after, but this is a scheduled appointment and it kind of gives me a deadline. Thank you for your encouragement. The fall out from such a decision could be even worse than the darkness that I keep buried. I'm unsure as to whether cleaning up my mind is worth the damage it could do to others on the way through.

I wonder sometimes whether others do see these symptoms and whether they wish i would address them. After hiding the symptoms for so long I think my seeking counseling would come as a huge surprise along with questions, attitude shifts, and suspicions that will change things forever. I still find my head shaking no, no, no as I consider whether I have the courage to open the door on all of this.

Thank you for listening. When I opened this reply my fingers wanted to type only one thing ... a long scream. Wandering through these thoughts has calmed that feeling. I'll hit post and step back into my world of masks and acting.

troy it is really good to see you posting again! I miss you when you are not here so much. have you thought of getting a punching bag for the rage? just get it and beat the crap out of it. I have found that when I get into a rage beating on my bed or pillow works wonders for me. I yell and scream and beat! it releases so much tension and rage at the same time without anyone getting hurt. Thank goodness I don't have that so much anymore. One thing with VA treatment of ptsd is they can give you classes for the anger/rage. good coping skills to help in daily living. and we of course are always here for you.

Thanks bebop ... I've found that a couple 12 oz aluminum punching bags have been of some value. I hadn't thought about classes on rage, but it kind of gets under my skin to just think about that kind of thing.

I have to tell you, this ptsd is complicated. It seems that my symptoms discourage getting help...crazy.

Thanks for the welcome back, but I really don't feel good about jumping back in. It's kind of a cycle. I feel helpless and hopeless so I come back. I tell things that I wish I didn't and then jump out. It's kind of like when I revealed those few things to a "so called friend" -- found that she was non judgmental and offering help -- and found my anxiety level so high that I've abandoned the semi friendship and all contact with her.

Mid November i speak with a doc. That's my chance to ask for help. I just don't think i have the courage to reveal that my shining armor has dents in it, that another warrior bites the dust long after the last bullet is fired, the last grenade exploded, the last bomb detonated.

I feel wrapped around the axle on this. If I mention it, life will change for me and my entire family, forever. There is no going back. Doc will have me evaluated, the classes will begin, the group meetings, the visits with the shrink ... and life will change (I just wonder whether it will all be for the better).

T.

hon it will help, but you have to work at it. don't shut out your wife on it either. she will be more understanding if she knows a little of what is going on with you. get her in touch with other vet wives too. if you would like to call me I can pm my number. I find it difficult to write alot sometimes as I can't think about things that need to be said lol. anyway I will do all I can to help you and your wife thru this. remember I have been there.

You know the whole story bebop ... beginning, middle, and end ... we'll see if I have the courage to even mention the subject to the doc... thank you for your support

hon that is what I am here for. to offer support. that is also why I wanted this forum to mod. it is my passion.

(((((TROY)))))

Hey bro. Personally, I'm not too fond of seeing the VA for serious health issues, such as PTSD is. However, if you tell your primary care that you want to be evaluated for PTSD, the VA has a mandate to get you properly diagnosed and treated (thanks to the Senate Committee on Veterans Affairs). My experience in going through this with my ex is that they will refer you to psychiatry.

I would really suggest seeking help outside the VA if you have the means (such as some sort of insurance) to see a private psychologist. As an alternative, I recommend going to a Vet Center. Most medium to large cities have a Vet Center; this is usually far better than the experience of going to the VA, and almost always the professionals are also veterans.

Hey Troy---you aren't crazy. Crazy isn't even a clinical term. Neither is insane ("insanity" is a legal concept, not a medical one). You feel crazy, but I assure you that PTSD is treatable.

Alan here,
....hi ,was just reading this last post and i can c where u r coming from and thankyou 4 that..now i know i'm not crazy..i want all the help i can get

Troy,

I hope I am not out of my lane here and I hope this helps. As I have been told and believe, PTSD is a normal reaction to abnormal events. In my personal opinion, our brains and bodies were not designed to handle some modern day events (car accidents, combat, etc.) , but therapy is helpful to understand and provide insight on what we go through.

Best wishes,
eGrunt

Amen to this ... check out this site http://ptsdforum.org
Its an Aussie site but has some great information about PTSD and why we react the way we do.

Troy, I think one of the toughest things about combat PTSD is the constant irritation that it brings with it. There is a restlessness and a underlying desire to get away from the rest of society that makes having to take part in group anythings, being asked questions and handle civilians who don't know crap that can make sitting and trying to explain what can't be explained unbearable.
My grandfather had PTSD untreated from WWI and to give him credit, handled it alright on his own....for the most part. The dreams never stopped. One of my earliest memories is of him screaming at night. He would have seizurelike responses to cars backfiring, ice in ice machines falling into the bin, that sort of thing. It sould be years between triggering events, sometimes it would go dormant for a very long time.
I don't think it should make who ever talks to you suspicious that you are just coming in for help now; I see people coming in for their first PTSD evaluations decades after the trauma. One of the biggest things that will make it difficult to seek help is just the difficulty trusting anyone that you need in order to be able to accept help.
Hang in there. It's just a word of encouragement from someone who only knows second hand. Huggs.