Sad

Subdued, sad, weary?...one of them or all of them doesn't really matter, I feel somewhat empty.

It's been very difficult for me to shake off the affects of taking my daughter to the ER...she is better and I'm grateful.
The ten hours spent there were like being in a civilian war zone.

The events of that day and night took another little piece of me.
When I struggle with the PTSD from the childhood trauma, it's easier for me to use my rescue techniques.

They are not working as well for my PTSD from the war. This is the one where I feel I should have a better control, should be over it, be mature, etc..
It's my thought that the current wars(s) are keeping some of these feelings "active." We've lost two local men...very frequent training exercises from the local military installation, medical regiment is already deployed again with only a few months home...something is going on that hasn't made the press yet.
So many parallels with then and now

I feel incredibly lost and lonely right now.
Putting on that mask is not working; it's get worn and cracked each time I do it.

Catherine

Mask or no mask you are still beautiful, loving and wise.

I know exactly what you mean here, Catherine ... the cruelties of war or even the trauma of civilian crime bring me to tears. And on the other side of it, the kindness that I see also brings me to tears. That mask of mine is wet on the inside.

Do you think it's possible that the PTSD symptoms come and go, that they get stronger with age?

T.

don't know, Troy

all I know is I'm at the lowest I've been in a very long time
no tears
no words
nothing
shut down time

sleeping pill taken earlier didn't work as expected
no sleep, defenses came crashing down
tears
not welcomed, stopped not
couldn't do the John Wayne thing
again
I do not want to do this again
refrains of it will get better, you'll make it
inch at a time, baby steps, 10 minutes if necessary
don't mean a thing right now

furiously used the super glue on my mask
son in town, unexpected invite to favorite restaurant
downtown, right in the middle of
Military Appreciation Day
kids happily hanging onto Daddy
wives on edge, afraid to relax
they know it won't last, this time together
some mommas and poppas
poppas solemn, mommas "oh isn't this nice?!"
black caps, sewn badges, hard eyes
Welcome Home Brother, Welcome Home Sister
super glue held
be nice if it would hold me together
'cause I'm falling apart
again and I don't want to do this again
once should be enough
will once ever be enough?

choked the food down, refused the free drink
thank you ma'am, son smiling
how did they know...
ah the old worn jacket, patches
thrown on against the chill and wind
didn't warm my heart, gut, spirit,
felt too heavy, back way back in the closet now

which one of them will come home?
the one with the two kids...their mother..will she return and raise them?
the skinny one with the proud parents who will accept the flag? in honor of his service said once, echoes through the years?

maybe I should move away from this place
cowardly act so no I won't go yet

Evening At The ER
no one would believe
the chaos ordered and not ordered
patient sick, loved one pissed at the delay
the choppers came in, the ambulances came in
macabre graceful dance of the triage
you be bad, you can wait, you dead,
WTF are you doing here with your snotty nose? go home

so tired and rest is around the largest corner designed by a sadistic architect
and
of all things, after all these years
Stephen
no illusions of what might have been
memories of what was...
times of profound belonging...to him...his family loving me
of all things, after all these years
Stephen

I didn't fall into any abyss nor did I slide into one
I Blinked

forget the cracks, I do not give a FF about light getting in

"some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go'
~~unknown~~

letting go does not mean giving up/giving in
perhaps it means it's really all right
to cry
to be angry
to Not Feel Guilt/Shame
to say FO
walk through the leaves and mourn
have a witch of a headache from crying
watch the tiny trapeze artist and be jealous
of his fearless habits and courage.
Chickadees and Chihuahuas have something in common
they aren't afraid of bigger things than themselves
because they don't accept anyone's perception of their size.

The Soul Would Have No Rainbow If The Eyes Had No Tears
~~Lakota Proverb~~

how pathetic I sounded
how embarrassed I am

hours of sleep
drained in a healthier way
still tired, still subdued,
it is all right
to feel again
all of it
no portion here, nor portion there
separate them is not good
gotta take them all at once
this time
next time different?
different way of walking through it
crawling counts; it always has

Oh, my dearest Catherine
I wish I had the words to make it all...stop.
Not go away...I'm not that powerfull...just stop.
Time enough to heal a little, gather strength for the next salvo.
Take an unencumbered deep breath.

You know it's not going away anytime soon,
can't stop it.
You, the spry Chickadee, hopping from spray to spray,
traveling in time with each destination of flight.
Or is it fright?

Uncertain directions, uncertain gait
forward and backwards, sometimes to the side.
Allusions to the frenzy of wild leaping.
Watch out! Watch out! It's a long way down.
I'm scared...I cannot say enough.

Parallel worlds of combat, the 24/7 of battle is wearing you to a nub.
Rules and standards are out the window,
you are in a zone where rules and standards flit like the bird
hither here and hither there.
rules of conduct, right or wrong,
not apparent to the innocent.
Probably just as well.

More of the parallels,
Or the higher order of triallels?
Can it be that complicated?
Of course it can, your dynamics are complex
and oh, so powerful.

No mask is meant to stay
Just a gentle reprieve for the day.
true or false - take a breath?
Take my breath!
I would surely give you all...if I could.

A chair for to sit and gaze,
the ocean will speak to your soul
A salt water spray and wind upon your face
and the sound will soothe your sorrowful heart.
I'll order up a moon to cast a shadow for your restful night.

The birds will suspend in flight
while others come in for crash landings
ascending triumphant with their booty.
Sad and good all at once.

Perspective sucks.

Damn, reality sneaks back in. Crap.

I am sorry you have been feeling so badly....I hope today is better

so much better written than mine...(((notz)))

I do appreciate you taking the time to reply to me.
Catherine

thank you for these thoughts. You have once again touched something inside of me that needs that reassurance. Even in your dark place you are sending a bit of light for me anyway. I hope that you are allowing the words to sink in a bit. "it's ok to let go, cry---not a sign of weakness--" In all that you are going thru and all the pain and hurt and memories and the rollar coaster of being able to function--you still have my admiration and my hand. I am glad that you still accept crawling as an ok thing to do........

(((Catherine)))
Sometimes the very strongest women cry too (I know that because I have seen my Mom cry)..Catherine, you can cry and still be strong (maybe even stronger?).

There are plenty of shoulders here for you my friend. This is your safe place! Feel free to cry until your eyes are swollen and red. We will wipe your tears and hold you close until you get the bad out. You will still be a strong woman in our eyes...simply..because that's what you are!!!

Much love to you Catherine!

if tears make you strong...I've become Hercules...Athena sounds better and I like the way she dresses...I'd look like hell in a loincloth.

It's not doing me any good trying to figure out why I'm having a Niagara Falls time...tears need to be shed.
Strange to feel that mask slide off at the smallest thing...I'm almost embarrassed by it.

and I feel broken in some ways. the whole of me would handle all these things; it might take awhile but I would be on firm ground and charge in.
now I feel like I'm rushing here and there trying to find the pieces to this new puzzle and I either cannot find them or there are so many of them that I start the damn crying again.
...and I'm so very tired of it.

This past year has been difficult and I think I've done a good job of handling everything that has happened up until now
So what do I do this time? Gee, I fall apart ...
Seriously, I blinked and when I opened my eyes the tears started and they are imitating the Energizer bunny...that little smart butt is going to be my dinner some day.

this is tough, it really is

I do feel safe posting here
it's in my heart to go to other forums and give support and hugs..but when I do, I feel useless so I will stick with hugs 'cause the words aren't there.

wonder if the Kleenex people started a third shift to handle the increase in sales from all the buying for my crying?

Catherine

(((((((((((((((( Catherine ))))))))))))))))

........Catherine2..........

....hmmmmm......at a loss for words......just keep reachin.....tryin....but cant find the words....................

..........peace.....oh special one......peace.........

oh hurray
I found another mask to put on
bit heavier than the others I had before they fell apart/I fell apart...
not as in strength, but in JC, will it ever end?
yes, it will
how long it lasts doesn't matter
it's getting through this episode
crawling still but I'm picking up speed
I think
I hope...I have to, dammit.

my T and y'all here are my anchors right now
crawling on this episode
and
trying to keep focused on the attempts of the ex to take as much as he can now...deeding the land to my children after the cabin burned down opened a loophole and it's a legal nightmare
attorneys just love talking to people whose moods go from being *****y to weeping to just wanting to give it up...he's a friend of my T's so he will look out for me, I know this and I'm grateful
but it still is causing turmoil
and
just like that old Pepto commercial
nausea, diarrhea, etc. etc. etc.

Taking a deep breathe and getting back on the phone...I've been delaying doing that for three hours.

Catherine

.........

.........on your six.......

.........sorry for the delay.....had to get the crap outta my ears......

.....taking my position on the line.....were I really belong.....but.....

.......on-line is real.....right now.................ground....................

........anger and law do not mix...........

.......sometimes I need a reminder.....I get more flies with honey, than I do with vinager.....for my own sanity......and peace.........

.............simple battle tactics...........

......and.....hurt people,hurt people......

......right here......right now...............

......stand tall troop......nothin' to be ashamed of........nothin'

oh I am shaking
stupid,
feeling fear, projecting the worst
and
the combat of both places
are rolling into one huge frigging weight

trying to sleep last night
gunshots
not the first time and won't be the last
heart pounding, grounding
I am home, I am all right
sirens...Police/EMTs/Firemen
lovely lights swirling and blinking and mesmerizing
what happened to the safety I felt here
before the trees were cut down
and the critters fled but were returning
progress is destroying a beautiful and comforting place?
that's progress?
housing bust, busted in houses empty
Do ya ever get used to the gunfire?

Combat on the home front begins at 2:30
attorney advising how to protect myself
protect from seen or unseen...or both?
...I've only so much energy to go around

If they blend, I'm frozen
If they don't blend, I'm frozen
need a blower of warm air
to get me going again
what's better? frozen or melted into a puddle?

one or the other
not both
maybe
just maybe it will be some wee bit of good
and I'll hold on to it
let it be my new starting point

I really, really need something good
inside me, especially
especially...I can do this again
Stop Counting
and just get on with it

strange...
offers, counter offers
compromise, negotiate
give
take
slam the door on the way out to smoke
nearly in tandem
"you take the frigging stairs, I was here--elevator--first"
his once ramrod straight posture
gone
shoulders sagging a bit

JC, he's not a monster
it was unreal seeing it
this man was and is still hurting
and I wondered
how many cheerleaders does he have?
did he drive them away?
did he even know he had them?
does his T talk to him about it?

cheerleaders...
I've got them here and in real life
is he jealous...in need...can't say help me?
I do not know
like anything else, he must do it
stop fighting...it's not a surrender
it may feel like one to him
I do not know

some of his worse episodes
were around me
and I took care...of him...of me, taking care to stay out of harm's way
he is not a monster
he is hurting
He knows it, is trying, but he has a helluva path to walk
what is gone will never return
to him, to me, to the children

flash of anger
he could have had it all
he just didn't get it
getting help was not being weak
not getting help sooner cost him
he paid a high price for stubborn pride and belligerence

surprise crying, his and mine
he is not a monster
he does not know it, though
guilt, shame, anger...still fill him
now he knows
so do I

fair settlement
not the best for either of us
but acceptable
the deed to the land stands
the children are protected...

PTSD is not pretty
it sucks you dry and then some
ya have to find a way to get filled
with something better
or you can lose
not just everything
but everyone...yes
that's just the start of the losts
never to be the same
harder to reinvent yourself
accept what was is just that...was

I do not know
if he felt any relief then
or in the past
or hopes for it in the coming hours
he is not a monster
...and he does not know it.

what faces does he see when or if he sleeps?
the dead...the ones he killed, the ones killed?
the buddies who came back in a coffin?
hand to hand means face to face
does he see those faces?
and cry out in tears and terror?
he is not a monster
...and he does not know it.

life goes on
hang on to the life of then
move on to the life of now
tough it out...pay a very high price
is part of his pain
knowing what he lost?

thoughts for all of us struggling with PTSD
hopes for more time between episodes
pleas for their beatings of the spirit to lessen...

We are not monsters
some of us just don't know it

"Some people believe that holding on and hanging in there are signs of strength, but there are times in life when it takes much more strength to just let go."

just don't have it anymore
withdrawing
lonely
sharing has become a lesson in being a contortionist...open up and change the foot in my mouth or dislodge both of them
letting go is the best option right now

catherine that quote in your post is just what I have been feeling for a long time. hang in there hon. we are in this together.

thanks...
sometimes I feel like I am walking in the light with occasional dark spells, right now I feel like I'm in a gray area...one of those blah places
neither up nor down

I know that feeling well hon. pretty grey for me too but hanging on. and if this rain in Ga don't stop soon I don't know what I am gonna do! haha

We love you Catherine ... remember ... you saved my life. Literally. You brought me back from the other side. You have made a difference in this world.

T.

T,
Thank you

But I don't think I've made any difference except a negative one.
More often than I would like is the feeling I could have done more, should have done more...on some level, I know that all of us did the very best we could.
Best now is not the same as best then
and that is looking back with discounting what we had to work with then...you know what in-country was like on your end, for us it was knowing we had little chance of upping survival rates.

Tet was a killer of the physical and mental...
it only got worse after that
or better if a hardened heart could be considered as "better."

C

going out into that rain in a few minutes
drive, walk, whatever
go sit on the river bank and cry
I am so damn tired of tears
but if I dam them up there is a higher price to pay
and I'm not willing to pay it

there must be a blue-light special on triggers going on

C