Seeking Help and Comunity

todarktosleep,
Hello and welcome to PC in general and to Combat PTSD in particular...
I'm glad you made it home.

This forum is where you can relax and share whatever you need to share--in a safe and non-judgemental environment.
I've found support and encouragement here that has helped me make it through some rough times.
Generation gap as my war was Nam, but the effects of the PTSD are nearly identical...

There are also forums for Depression and Panic, and you may want to read through them and see if they might be of help also.

Re counseling help...have you contacted IAVA for information and help? They offer a variety of programs for the Iraqi and Afghanistan vets...it's vet to vet so they know what you are facing and how to go about getting help.
The site is extensive, look on the left side and there will be a list of some of the available resources. They do not exclude women warriors...

www.IAVA.org

We help each other, war is war and we share many things in common. Don't be afraid to speak up and share...

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, ok?
We Care

Catherine

Hey there todarktosleep...
I just wanted to say hello and Thank You for serving, Thank You for your patriotism and I pray that you will find peace.
Lots of good people here to help support you

Dear todarktosleep, ~ I just wanted to add my sincere thanks for your generosity of spirit is serving your country and your people. Welcome to PC. I, too, am still feeling my way around the site, and it sounds like the above responders have given you some good advice about where to go for participation in Combat PTSD. I cannot imagine a more traumatic situation than war. Again, thank you and Bless you - billieJ

Hey, Welcome
I'm really not sure how to navigate either. I just wanted to say Thank You for your service and I hope we get to chat. I am a great listener and not really good @ whatever it is I am seeking here. I just felt like crap and needed to get it out of me somehow. I hope you feel better soon... heidi

Catherine,
Thanks for the info I'll be looking into the IAVA more in coming days...
Thanks to all for your kind welcome and I hope all of you find what you are seeking...

Here I am awake again, not because I need to be I assure you, but I cannot figure out how not to fear the past…

Ultimately that’s what this is. I have no reason to fear the present. My wife loves me, my kids love me, in their own way. I have a home, a car, my bills are paid, I still FEAR… I still feel physically sick when I think about what I did Over There.
Everyone tells me :”you only did what you had to do, were told to do” but as much as I agree with them it doesn’t change how I feel. I completely understand the mechanics of PTSD yet I don’t understand it at all...

Thanks for your service ... any chance you could explain what you mean by finding it difficult to get help for ptsd?
I am very very conflicted about whether I should ask for VA help.

Hey. I wanted to say welcome. My dad fought in dessert storm. im not close to him at all I didnt even know him back then but he told me that it was rough. ((HUGS))

.....hey tdts.......welcome to pc...............

How long were you over there?
Maybe since your were there for an extended period of time, and always in a state of defense, and even while sleeping, your brain is still in that mode. I dont know but that seems like it may make some sense.
I think Therapy would really benefit you, whether thru the VA or thru other resources....
My suituation for PTSD is very different, however some of the issues you are facing with fear and sleep or lack of, are exactly the same.
I faced a different type of trauma but it was over an extended period of time, years, and it was at night, while I was sleeping.....
You likely were sleeping but always in a half concious state ....always ready for whatever situation that could happen without notice....
Just to relate....
I wake up several times per night in a jolt, or panic ...basic fear but I am not sure of what...though I know why it happens ...its in my subconcious somewhere and that is why I am dealing with it through T (therapy).
Also because I feel this way, and I am tired from it, it causes other issues like depression, aggitation, and anxiety.
So in addition to the T I have had to accept help (temporarily so far) through the use of Anti Depr and Anti anxiety meds...
I hope this helps a little...
I really hope that you can get some positive help and feedback and that you can find some reliable help through the resources that are out there.
My only advice other than to keep writing and releasing the tension and feelings you have here on PC, is to not wait or delay getting more help.
I waited 20 - 30 yrs before seeking help from people who know how to break it down and help me deal with the PTSD...that is much to long.
I know someday my life will be very different than that which I have experienced so far....including how I cope with these issues.
Mainly because of the help, teaching and direction I am learning from people who are helping me...

I prob repeated myself several times here. srry for that.
Have a great day

todarktosleep...
please understand that right now I am sharing what my own experience was, ok?

It was years before I got help for my PTSD...partly because no one thought Army nurses serving in-country would have a problem with it...attitude was "why the hell would they?"
Initially, we were lumped in with the men and there was little respect or understanding and that did not change for awhile.
Different experiences but with many commonalities...it's different now and I'm grateful there are more resources for our returning women warriors.

"What I did over there..."
My own experience with this happened when the walls around my hardened heart starting crashing down around me.
The numbness was wearing off slowly but surely...no matter how hard I tried to hold on to that numbness it wasn't working...I felt like a raw and poisoned wound walking around.
I was one screwed-up woman.

Many people discount what nurses went through and the things we did to survive.
Survive, one onslaught after another
Exist...between those slams
and die inside a little bit more everyday.
Actions and attitudes that caused the deaths of others...one was killing a enemy in self defense...it haunts me everyday, especially when I am around my children because that person did not live to do...anything...
Yeah, you do what ya gotta do
then it eats you up until you get help and come to terms with it.

For a very long time, I had intense anger because one of my younger brother's name is on the Wall...at times, I wondered if it was some kind of weird payback for my action...screwed up thinking but real and deadly guilt.

Deadly guilt. Harsh words, but true words. Guilt will bring us down faster than most of the other feelings...
and shame
Shame that I was capable of doing those things...I could not forgive myself for sometime.

It's not easy, todarktosleep, to try and have any kind of life when we come home and fight that second battle--the PTSD, getting help, rolling up into a ball trying to get through another 24 hours, being battered with so many things when the numbness wears off...

It is a second battle to secure the help we need, but it can be done.
Vets helping fellow Vets is something we do for each other.
It's one of the reasons I mentioned IAVA...they are extraordinary in what they do for Iraq and Afghanistan Vets...they've been there, They Know...They Know

Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing...a few words, a lot of words--anything you need to say.
The PC community knows this forum will contain posts that may trigger them--use the trigger icon and share what needs to be let loose when you are struggling.

We Care
We Are Here For Each Other

Catherine

Cathrine,
Thank you so much for sharing your experience... I was a Combat Medic for both of my tours so I know the unique pain of health care in combat, even if you never left the wire the war came to you, in pieces.

I still cry uncontrollably at times i never let my wife see me, i cannot bare the thought of her seeing how weak i am at times. I was ok for a long time after I got back and then I started to have trouble focusing and remembering things. I had a full breakdown over xmas '07 and spent a few days in the VA hospital; I couldn't stand the way She looked at me, the pity and lack of understanding... I think I still resent her a little bit, deep inside, and I'm ashamed. Every day that I feel good I ask myself if I'm getting better or just used to the pain.

To the person who isn't sure if the should use the VA... YES!! you should, they may not have helped me for counseling, but it wasn't because it wasn't avalible, it's because it just didn't work FOR ME, but I know others that it has worked for very well... Also, the counseling isn't the only aspect of VA services, I am getting my Psyc meds through them and having some good progress...so Please look into the VA closely they might not be able to do everything you need but they are a great resource...

To everyone else, thanks for the support!!

Sunny,

Thanks for that...
I sometimes forget that there are other reasons for PTSD besides combat.
To answer your question i spent a total of 22 moths over two tours, Iraq both times.

pre-deployment 2005
Young and eager, that was me, 29 years old and young. I'm now 33 and old as can be. I suppose it's true throughout history, no matter what nation, clan, sect, or movement… get’em young, feed them the stories of the glories of war, we’ll let them figure it out later, while they lay killing and dying in dreams that hold no glory spoken of in innocent days past.
I fed myself on the books and war movies, tails of gallant Knights and selfless heroes, how naive, how full of myself I was… Until I learned the truth…

(I tried to add a photo but don't have enough posts yet )

Welcome todarktosleep. Thanks for what you did for us and our country. I found the best way to deal with the past is to face it and try to get the control back. You have to let out as much as you can what you have stored inside. I have been working at it for may years. Thanks again.

todarktosleep...you are welcome

My baptism in Army nursing came with the 71st Evac at Pleiku during Tet. Hit the ground running and didn't stop until 2 1/2 years later...91st at Chu Lai was a picnic after Tet.

Crying uncontrollably is Not A Sign Of Weakness, my friend.
Holding it in is going to stop you from coming to terms with your experiences. It's only by bringing them out, as you are able, that their hold on you will lessen.

tdts, perhaps part of what you were seeing in your wife's eyes was love and wanting to take away your hurt...and the frustration of not being able to do it for you.
Don't be ashamed of any resentment you may have about it...to be blunt, there is within most of us a resentment that outsiders...aka family, friends, strangers...don't know what it is really like living with these memories.
I wouldn't want them to, either--but I sure as hell don't want someone telling me they do understand. Unless you've stood next to me trying to keep a bleeder alive and wondering what the **** for...ya ain't going really understand it. (bleeder=face wound. is it still called that...)
It a large part of the reason I lean on Vet to Vet help...I'm fortunate in having my buds here when I'm having a crappy time...and I'm here for them when they need it.

"Every day that I feel good I ask myself if I'm getting better or just used to the pain."

jmo/jme, both...they kind of go hand in hand. It's a bit of a tightrope we walk when we start on our path of healing.
It's tough and lonely and can bring us to our knees very quickly...but it does get better.
Does everything meld into understanding and peace? No.
There are some things that bear no understanding.
Will there be more times of those bits and pieces of peace that keep us going? Oh yes...none of us would make it without them...and they will come and go, but they will also begin to last longer.

One thing every recovery has in common?
We do it at our own pace; not anyone's else's pace or the pace others think we should...
There is no finishing line and no trophy. Days we take four steps forward , days we take thirty steps backward.
And this is all right.
There will come a time when we take fifty steps forward and .25 backwards

Please keep posting, tdts.
We Care...
You are not going to shock us; there is no judgment, criticism, no disgust.
There is standing together with each other with respect and honor.

In Peace

Catherine

as a former wife of a combat vet please talk to your wife. not talking to her to protect her only hurts her and you. Us wives are not as fragile as people think. We love and love deep. We want to understand the things going on in our spouses lives. I use to talk with many many vets about this and some opened up to their wives and had great success. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! come here talk to us but please let your wife in.

I am truly humbled and filled with gratitude at the outpouring of support from this forum... Thank all of you....

toodark hon you are more than welcome. that is what this forum is for and about. for 10 yrs all I had around me were nam vets and their wives. I ate lived and breathed war and ptsd! welcome home!

ditto on the tears todarktosleep ... ditto ... even the words of support written to you bring tears

My time was all outside the wire (until i wound up letting Catherine2 and others at 91st Evac plug the holes and pour plasma in my veins).

I have no advice for you, only appreciation for your service and the work you did. I'm stuck in the same boat as others. Can you imagine what these pages would look like if all vets knew of this safe place to tell the secrets?

T

I find that just being around other vets is helpful. There isn't any comparable experience. Hey, your not old, you've just experienced a lifetime of trauma. It can and does get better with persistence and support. The hardest thing is sharing and talking about it, which MUST be done in order to get better. Our experiences "over there" were far outside the normal human range. I'm sure two deployments is probably what really harmed your psyche.

To a degree, the ADHD, which is my baseline (as it is for all with ADHD), had some protective measures. I don't experience the world in the same way as a lot of people, which protected me from myself. Oh, I have problems with this and that, but I'm fortunate in that I don't experience PTSD symptoms.

My ex-fiance (also a combat vet) did though, and because she didn't seek help, it ultimately ended our relationship. It took a couple of years but she let the PTSD take over and it grew. She stopped seeing her therapist and stopped taking meds. You can't go it alone. I've seen it in my buddies too, and it doesn't just disappear. Usually I find myself feeling guilty, as in, "why them and not me?" or "what makes me so damn special?" Then it just pisses me off that my brothers (and sisters) are still over there and having to go through

The bottom line is as vets we have a duty to help each other. You don't ever have to feel like your weak or less of a man or less of a soldier. The toughest people I've ever known struggle with PTSD and depression.

Hey, have you tried a Vet Center for counseling instead of the VA? Or even private therapy would be better in some cases than the VA.
The VA caseload is larger than ever due to OEF/OIF and greater recognition of TBI, PTSD, and other MH problems). I also suggest looking into the VA's Vocational Rehabilitation program, and also look into seeing if your state has it's own voc. rehab. program.

Just remember, when you talk about it in a safe, supportive environment, it starts to lose its power over you.

I find that just being around other vets is helpful. There isn't any comparable experience. Hey, your not old, you've just experienced a lifetime of trauma. It can and does get better with persistence and support. The hardest thing is sharing and talking about it, which MUST be done in order to get better. Our experiences "over there" were far outside the normal human range. I'm sure two deployments is probably what really harmed your psyche.

To a degree, the ADHD, which is my baseline (as it is for all with ADHD), had some protective measures. I don't experience the world in the same way as a lot of people, which protected me from myself. Oh, I have problems with this and that, but I'm fortunate in that I don't experience PTSD symptoms.

My ex-fiance (also a combat vet) did though, and because she didn't seek help, it ultimately ended our relationship. It took a couple of years but she let the PTSD take over and it grew. She stopped seeing her therapist and stopped taking meds. You can't go it alone. I've seen it in my buddies too, and it doesn't just disappear. Usually I find myself feeling guilty, as in, "why them and not me?" or "what makes me so damn special?" Then it just pisses me off that my brothers (and sisters) are still over there and having to go through

The bottom line is as vets we have a duty to help each other. You don't ever have to feel like your weak or less of a man or less of a soldier. The toughest people I've ever known struggle with PTSD and depression.

Hey, have you tried a Vet Center for counseling instead of the VA? Or even private therapy would be better in some cases than the VA.
The VA caseload is larger than ever due to OEF/OIF and greater recognition of TBI, PTSD, and other MH problems). I also suggest looking into the VA's Vocational Rehabilitation program, and also look into seeing if your state has it's own voc. rehab. program.

Just remember, when you talk about it in a safe, supportive environment, it starts to lose its power over you.

Thanks Simcha,

I have looked into the Vet Center here in San Antonio, I know that they have helped a lot of other Vets but it wasn't a very good fit for me.
I'm looking into starting a PTSD Group for OIF/OEF at the VA hospital because there currently isn't one anywhere in the area....

I'm keeping up with my appointments and my meds, they help, but I always feel a little better after being here.
Even if I just read other posts I don't feel so alone, Thanks Ya'll

Sorry for the double post. I'm a little surprised about the Vet Centers, but I've heard that they are more poorly staffed and overburdened than they used to be.

My experiences regarding the treatment of PTSD at the VA relate to directly what I saw in my friends and my ex. Perhaps it's a good thing that there wasn't a group for PTSD at the VA in San Antonio, as I'm not impressed with the way the VA runs things. The PTSD group that my buddy went to only exacerbated symptoms.

The problem is they only had a short term group therapy (something like 10 sessions), and didn't really have good active individual therapy to ensure the Vets didn't fall to pieces. When you let stuff like that out, your emotions must be stabilized by the time you leave the session or bad things happen. People relapse and others become worse and more avoidant when they have poorly trained "professionals" in the therapist/psychiatrist role.

Additionally, the VA tended to use residents and other students of psychiatry as the therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist, with little to no apparent oversight. I guess that's what I mean by poorly trained--it was more like you were used for training purposes, but got very little in return. Actually, it often meant that you got nothing in return for it. Sigh...I hate to be a downer but that's what I saw from close observation of the VA in my area.

I really suggest getting a private therapist (a psychologist with experience in treating PTSD). It's a far better gamble than taking your chances with the VA, where resources are limited for the number of Vets seeking services. You'll also be guaranteed to get a professional who is fully licensed and board certified, instead of someone in training like at the VA. If you don't have insurance, many places offer a sliding scale fee.

I'd just go down the phone book for your area, and call up the therapist/psychologist entries in sequence. The main thing is to find out if they take your insurance and/or sliding fee offered, AND IMPORTANTLY if they have experience in treating PTSD. In theory, all therapists will have training in that area, but some might have more experience at it than others. Stay away from psychiatrists (the MD's), as they just offer drugs and very little are trained in current therapy modalities. Also stay away from academic hospitals and treatment centers, as you'll run into a similar thing as you would at the VA. If it turns out that you don't like the T and/or you aren't a good match, you can always find another T before you get too invested.

Let us know eh?
--SAM--
(4ID--IVY)