Paranoid?

I'm not sure paranoid is the right word to use here, but I don't know a word that describes this feeling.

Last evening I went to an event where there were a couple hundred people, most of whom know me, at least by name and on sight.

And walking in I realized that I always have this feeling going into a group setting -- that these people really don't like me, that they will greet me happily, but they really don't like me.

I have a strong sense that they kind of put up with me. They smile, say nice things, and compliment me. But it's easy to see that they really don't want a response to their questions. They are looking around to see who else they should be talking with. They change the subject from what their question was about.

And when the chance comes, they're off to speak with someone else. So, it's no wonder that I feel like I'm really not liked.

Maybe I've worked at distancing myself for so long that I've given all of these people the wrong signal (lol, or the right signal). I have no friends to speak of. Some might say that we're friends, but we do none of the things that real friends trend towards.

I recognize that my ptsd might be at work here and that all of this is misperception rather fact.

Either way, all of it just makes me reluctant to engage with a group where I'm pretty sure that I'm disliked and unwanted. Have you had experience like this? Do you think it's me or the ptsd thinking?

Paranoid?? A few sessions ago with my T, she asked me: "Do you think everyone is out to get you?". It kinda took me aback. My first reaction was no, but then I thought maybe.

I am so very hypervigilant that I cannot stop "fighting my war". While my "war" doesn't stem from a combat situation it is still a war. My T says: "You need to put your swords away, take off your battle armor, and stop fighting" it's hampering your progress in therapy. Easier said than done; I need to keep myself safe!!!

The depression makes me very numb; I want to be left alone. I don't want to talk to anyone, I don't want anyone talking to me. I want to disappear into the woodwork.

I think my family (I have no friends) merely tolerates my existence.

Not sure if this helps-maybe so you know your feeling are the same as some one else's??? IDK

hon I don't think it really has anything to do with you per sey. I feel like that too when I am with a group. I think it is called low self esteem. I feel shunned all the time. no it is not a good feeling. ((((hugs))))

I agree with bebop.

I too feel that way with anyone that is not related to me. I feel like they just want to run the other way and not have to talk to me at all. I try to convince myself that I'm just being paranoid. I'm usually so uncomfortable that I break up the conversation. I'll look around and fidget (act like I'm looking for my kids or something). Because of this behavior some people thought I was a snob and they are afraid to approach me. When here I am just very shy. People have told my sisters that I was a snob and was afraid to talk to me, I wish I knew how to change this behavior, I don't want people to be afraid of me or think that I'm snobby.

If you were having a conversation with me I'd probably react like this and you would think that I didn't like you, when really it's me not having any confidence. If we could only have our feelings on a name tag.

You are not alone with how you are feeling, I think it's a very common feeling.

thanks for your notes on this. At least I know I'm not alone.

Another part of it is when I am talking to people, it's like they don't even hear me. Especially if we're 2 or 3 people and I say something, the conversation goes on like I didn't even open my mouth. Sometimes I wonder whether I said it or just thought I said something...try again, same reaction.

That's another part of what makes me think this is not just paranoia. If people ignore that fact that you've actually said something to them, there must be more than paranoia.

My voice is soft, so i try saying things louder to get people to respond. Then they look at me like I'm crazy for talking so loudly. ...lol, then they go on with what they were saying.

If I miss a word and ask what was said, people don't respond. I ask a second time. Same thing. A third time, louder. Ignore me.

I'm starting to get a complex of all of this. You see why I think I'm unliked?

No I don't see why others don't like you-I like you just the way your are. We shouldn't change ourselves for others, we should change because we want to change for ourselves.

Some people can just be rude. I would be feeling that way too. If I were you, the next time I was in that situation, I would have to say something outrageous to see if I get a response from them. But really I'd find a new circle of friends.

I don't know if you are a member of your local VFW but my husband has made some friends there.

It's not you, it's your company.

You aren't paranoid, though evidence of hypervigilence can give you feelings of paranoia. It's the hypervigilence of PTSD that causes this. No, it doesn't just change because now you know what it is. But the constant identifying it, having someone who is thinking rationally for you (your Therapist especially) you can begin to recognize it yourself, and with time also begin to NOT sense everyone is out to get you.

Maybe it'd be easier to just clam up. If they don't give a s* about what I'm saying, why even try. New groups, pretty much the same. I must have some bearing or inflection in my voice that tells them to avoid me, ignore what he's saying, don't even answer.

When people are engaged, their remarks are all just the opposite, comments of admiration, asking advice, and so on. I'm doing something to turn them off in the next instant.

Similar things again today. Kinda adds to the weight of all of this and makes me want to just withdraw farther.

I know I can charm people if I work at it, but I always see it as an effort and as manipulation because when I turn off the extra energy, we're right back where we started - ignored.

Maybe my new friends should be me, myself, and I -- what am I saying, I don't have any now... and that seems right.

Troy,

This is my first post here. I've recently become acquainted with someone who's been through combat and wanted to get a better understanding of what he might be dealing with and what I can do to help (or to at least avoid making it harder for him).

I've really appreciated reading your posts, Troy, particularly. Some give me bits of understanding about my friend, and some, surprisingly, have given me insight into some of my own childhood experiences... and the feelings/responses I have to certain situations. I'll try to comment on those later in those threads. Mostly, I am amazed at your strength in getting through all you have and then, even after all that, still attempting (and succeeding) in reaching out to people.

For now, I wanted to comment on this topic. I don't know what the solution is.

I just wanted to share some of my own experiences and offer you some encouragement.

As a kid, I was frequently bothered by the feeling that most people interact - give greetings, ask how you are, give hugs, and even say "I love you" without really meaning it. Neither do they particularly seem to care about what the response is. My perception of this has changed lately. I suspect that (1) people do a lot of those things as a sort of "intro" or "filler" between having more meaningful interactions - they're not really mean to be a big deal but they might enable a closer connection should the opportunity arise (2) I am the one who has little or no feeling about those things but some of the people doing them really DO mean them. Some of my family members do feel affection/warmth when hugging - or at least genuinely care even if they aren't feeling it at that particular moment. I couldn't understand it because I didn't always share that feeling - don't understand it. I suspect I don't get attached to people very easily or am, in some way, keeping them at arm's length emotionally.

I also noticed that while many people seem to have friends that they invite out for a drink or to their homes, I was rarely one of them. This has changed lately to an extent as well.

I don't know what one event triggered it. It seemed to happen gradually in different ways. For example, I had contact with a guy who routinely asked me how I was. I answered truthfully - ok. He asked "Not good?" And before I knew it we were chatting about all kinds of interesting things... some personal for me and others just relaxed and fun. Although I don't hear from him often anymore, due to our work being in different regions, I still occasionally get a call from him and we still share a certain connection.

I also made a concentrated effort to join a social group - a non-denominational church - and get involved and try different things. At first, it didn't seem any different from any other attempts I'd made at getting the hang of social situations - of making 'friends'.

However, one workshop involved a lot of writing and also breaking up into groups and talking about some things that were a bit personal. I found myself hearing a lot of things and sharing a lot of things - a lot of things I thought I was "alone" in and found out that I wasn't... and I guess some of what I said must have resonated with them as well. I attended a few other smaller group activities and found those to be good ways of connecting as well.

I never have liked large gatherings although it's not just that people seem uninterested in me. I frequently find myself utterly bored with the sorts of conversations people have in that situation. I don't have a lot of patience for "small talk" and prefer one on one, deeper conversations with real meaning to them. It's hard to find people to do that with, though, without dealing with some gatherings now and then to find them.

One simple thing I realized was that I don't tend to do a lot to encourage people to talk to me or invite me to do things with them. Neither was I ever in the habit of inviting people for lunch or to my house. I've made more effort at that over the last few years, and I've started to have deeper relationships that way.

I find it much easier to connect to people online - it's easier to find people who share similar interests or problems and want to talk about them together. I don't find it quite as satisfying as I found having a best friend (my now ex husband), but it still helps a lot...

I'd encourage you to not give up. It may, indeed, be something in your way of approaching people. At least, I suspect that's the case with myself and am not surprised that there are others who share that experience. I suspect they are things that can be learned though or changed. In fact, I'm thinking of seeking some counseling or perhaps coaching on it.. for my own sake.

Well, I hope this wasn't too long-winded or TMI.

Take care,
Numani