[MtnTime2896]

"I'm paralyzed
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it's still alive
And it's taking over me where am I?"

- NF, 'Paralyzed'.

I just want it to stop. All of the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the dissociation.... I just want it all to stop.

I feel like I'm not even me anymore. I'm not Só leigheas anymore and maybe I never was. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a product of my upbringing and my past, nothing more.

I'm paralyzed and I can't get out. I can't leave this cage, this coffin that encompasses my shattered being. I'm trapped inside this enclosure just waiting for the torment to be over, but it never will. "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real." - Twenty One Pilots, 'Car Radio'. I can't escape it. Not even in sleep do my demons let me alone to rest. They will likely howl alongside me in death.

If ever an entity had mercy, they would do me the simple courtesy, of shutting me down.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

"I'm paralyzed
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it's still alive
And it's taking over me where am I?"

- NF, 'Paralyzed'.

I just want it to stop. All of the intrusive thoughts, the nightmares, the flashbacks, the dissociation.... I just want it all to stop.

I feel like I'm not even me anymore. I'm not Só leigheas anymore and maybe I never was. I don't feel like a person. I feel like a product of my upbringing and my past, nothing more.

I'm paralyzed and I can't get out. I can't leave this cage, this coffin that encompasses my shattered being. I'm trapped inside this enclosure just waiting for the torment to be over, but it never will. "I'm forced to deal with what I feel, there is no distraction to mask what is real." - Twenty One Pilots, 'Car Radio'. I can't escape it. Not even in sleep do my demons let me alone to rest. They will likely howl alongside me in death.

If ever an entity had mercy, they would do me the simple courtesy, of shutting me down.

I hate to hear you are in such a dark, lonely place. Are you discussing this with your T? maybe it's time to re-evaluate any medications you are on. Do you know the number of a local crisis line? Please reach out to some professionals. I say this with a very caring voice. I want you to feel better and feel safe.

[MtnTime2896]

I see my T on Mondays. I'm not on meds, anymore, even what I was on did nothing for me. A crisis line isn't always my favorite option but I do keep the number in my phone.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I see my T on Mondays. I'm not on meds, anymore, even what I was on did nothing for me. A crisis line isn't always my favorite option but I do keep the number in my phone.

Maybe they didn't have you on the right meds. Sometimes it takes a while of trail and error to get the right combo. Or it did for me. Plus it takes a while for meds to actually start working like they are suppose to. So try something else, and give it some time to work. It would be a lot better than feeling like you are feeling now. Ya know? Sometimes our chemical balance gets off and once it gets back in check you can start coming off the medication. But then sometimes it's long term. I think everyone hates to take meds. But given the choice to not take meds and feel like crap and not take meds and feel a little better I will take the meds. I'm not very compliant though and I need to do better with that, because I can tell when I'm not taking them.
Poor Crisis line people LOL No one likes them but they are still there for us and for this I'm glad. It's good to know that this last life line is out there for us and others. I don't want to use it but I hope I would if it came to that point.
Glad you still have the number.
That's good that you are seeing your T on Monday, please be honest with him/her on how you feel.

[MtnTime2896]

Thanks Trace.

The meds is an issue that will take a while and it already has. Right now, I just don't want to be so clouded. I've used the Crisis line a few times but hate taking someone away from another person in distress who needs it more. I'm pretty honest with my T. He's a good guy.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Thanks Trace.

The meds is an issue that will take a while and it already has. Right now, I just don't want to be so clouded. I've used the Crisis line a few times but hate taking someone away from another person in distress who needs it more. I'm pretty honest with my T. He's a good guy.

<<The meds is an issue that will take a while and it already has >>
What does this mean.

You don't want to be clouded? You are miserable right now, and very depressed. Don't you think trying some new meds would be worth a shot, to get you feeling a little better?

You are not taking away a crisis counselor away from helping someone else, they have tons of those people at call centers and on stand by. You deserve to be helped too! How about thinking a little more about how to care for yourself? Be a good mom to yourself? Take care of you as if you were your child. Wouldn't you want the best care and all the care for the little you that you could get? I think you would. You seem to be a very caring person and I expect you do take of others much better than you do yourself. I totally get that. But it comes a time when you have neglected yourself so much that you can help others and that's a hard thing to accept. So look at taking care of you 1st for a change then you can focus on others in a healthy way.

[MtnTime2896]

Would it make sense if I said that the voices weren't letting me talk to my pdoc? I feel insane when I admit that so I usually don't but there's no other way to explain this. Yeah, I'm miserable and I don't know how I'm still fighting this, and yeah, I could use some help from meds.

It's so hard to explain.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Would it make sense if I said that the voices weren't letting me talk to my pdoc? I feel insane when I admit that so I usually don't but there's no other way to explain this. Yeah, I'm miserable and I don't know how I'm still fighting this, and yeah, I could use some help from meds.

It's so hard to explain.

Of course that makes sense. Have you been diagnosed with DID? That's way out of my league as far as understanding an knowing how you would deal with that, but it does make perfect sense and I'm glad you shared. How long have you been fighting this voice? Is there a way to make peace with it and explain how it would benefit all to feel better? Maybe you could educate me more on this, would you?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Of course that makes sense. Have you been diagnosed with DID? That's way out of my league as far as understanding an knowing how you would deal with that, but it does make perfect sense and I'm glad you shared. How long have you been fighting this voice? Is there a way to make peace with it and explain how it would benefit all to feel better? Maybe you could educate me more on this, would you?

DD-NOS is a better way of putting it. I haven't officially been diagnosed with anything other than PTSD and depression from my current T.
I have one guy, I like him, who's trying to help me and encourages me to listen to our T (our because he's wanting to start talking to him, too). Then there's this girl who doesn't believe any of us need help and that we deserve to be punished. There are others but they mostly don't talk to me.
The hallucinations outside of my head are usually people staring at me and giving off various vibes. Then there are the bugs that crawl over my walls, floor and me. Then there's hearing people argue in a separate room, hearing so many voices that it's equivalent to a busy shopping center. Sometimes a woman will laugh at me, too. I see someone play with my reflection, a woman who torments me.

That's a list of these things I deal with. The comforting guy I talk to has been with me since early childhood. The girl has been around since middle school. These other hallucinations have come and gone since I was 12 or 13. I can't reason with almost any of them except the guy and sometimes the girl.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

DD-NOS is a better way of putting it. I haven't officially been diagnosed with anything other than PTSD and depression from my current T.
I have one guy, I like him, who's trying to help me and encourages me to listen to our T (our because he's wanting to start talking to him, too). Then there's this girl who doesn't believe any of us need help and that we deserve to be punished. There are others but they mostly don't talk to me.
The hallucinations outside of my head are usually people staring at me and giving off various vibes. Then there are the bugs that crawl over my walls, floor and me. Then there's hearing people argue in a separate room, hearing so many voices that it's equivalent to a busy shopping center. Sometimes a woman will laugh at me, too. I see someone play with my reflection, a woman who torments me.

That's a list of these things I deal with. The comforting guy I talk to has been with me since early childhood. The girl has been around since middle school. These other hallucinations have come and gone since I was 12 or 13. I can't reason with almost any of them except the guy and sometimes the girl.

I like where the guy is going and I think he has your best interest at heart. Maybe once you communicate with the T and tell him all this maybe the others will feel more comfortable and safe in feeling better and communicating in a more supportive way. What do you think?

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

DD-NOS is a better way of putting it. I haven't officially been diagnosed with anything other than PTSD and depression from my current T.
I have one guy, I like him, who's trying to help me and encourages me to listen to our T (our because he's wanting to start talking to him, too). Then there's this girl who doesn't believe any of us need help and that we deserve to be punished. There are others but they mostly don't talk to me.
The hallucinations outside of my head are usually people staring at me and giving off various vibes. Then there are the bugs that crawl over my walls, floor and me. Then there's hearing people argue in a separate room, hearing so many voices that it's equivalent to a busy shopping center. Sometimes a woman will laugh at me, too. I see someone play with my reflection, a woman who torments me.

That's a list of these things I deal with. The comforting guy I talk to has been with me since early childhood. The girl has been around since middle school. These other hallucinations have come and gone since I was 12 or 13. I can't reason with almost any of them except the guy and sometimes the girl.

Who writes the poetry?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Who writes the poetry?

Me, mostly. That guy prefers rap to poetry, though they can be the same. It's been the only way I can explain my state for a long time and it's just the way I think. If it's in a stanza, pattern, rhyme; I comprehend it all better.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

Me, mostly. That guy prefers rap to poetry, though they can be the same. It's been the only way I can explain my state for a long time and it's just the way I think. If it's in a stanza, pattern, rhyme; I comprehend it all better.

Does the T know about the different parts of you? If so what does he say that helps?

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by Trace14

Does the T know about the different parts of you? If so what does he say that helps?

I haven't been telling him too much. What I have, he's really wanting to know more before he recommends anything.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I haven't been telling him too much. What I have, he's really wanting to know more before he recommends anything.

I think it's time to be completely honest with him. He can't really help you if he doesn't know the scope of your pain and cause of your depression. Ya know? The sooner you get it out there for him to help you with the sooner he can help you look at options.

[reb569]

I totally agree with Trace here. In order to help you your therapist needs to know more about what's going on. I understand not being able to talk about certain things, there are certain things from my childhood that I remember vividly, but have never told anyone because I can't get the words out. I want to, I just haven't been able do it. These memories haunt me daily. I'm determined to do it.

But this isn't about me, it's about you. I just want you to understand that I understand where you are coming from.

Do you keep a journal? Maybe today journal your thoughts about your alters and how they impact you and share that with your therapist at your next visit? That way you don't have to try to verbalize it, your therapist and can start working with you on this?

From what I've read about meds when it comes to trauma, they are often only needed for a period of time, maybe a couple years, but there is hope that eventually you will be able wean off of them. Additionally, the meds will probably help you be able to discuss your alters with your therapist. Meds have different impacts on everyone, and it can take awhile to find the right one.

I also want to point out the text crisis program that Trace posted about recently. Crisis Text Line If you need to "talk" but have an issue verbalizing your concerns, this may be a good option for you.

Anyway -- just joining in to lend my input. Be good to yourself and please find a way to let your therapist know what's going on. Maybe just print this thread off and hand it to him? Hugs out to you!

[MtnTime2896]

reb567,

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry you deal with the sort of memories that can never be spoken aloud, even though they need to be.

You and Trace are right and I should be more open. The guy I speak to wants me to be honest and he's really trying to encourage me to do so. Honesty means I have to deal with it. All of it.

How the guy puts it, "Might as well tell because forgetting isn't going to happen for any of us again. We've long passed that point. Only way out is to deal with it now."

He makes a fine point and so do you two. I've always just been really stubborn. I'll probably read off from this thread to him on Monday.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

reb567,

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry you deal with the sort of memories that can never be spoken aloud, even though they need to be.

You and Trace are right and I should be more open. The guy I speak to wants me to be honest and he's really trying to encourage me to do so. Honesty means I have to deal with it. All of it.

How the guy puts it, "Might as well tell because forgetting isn't going to happen for any of us again. We've long passed that point. Only way out is to deal with it now."

He makes a fine point and so do you two. I've always just been really stubborn. I'll probably read off from this thread to him on Monday.

I'm glad that I was able to help. I'm glad you are going to let him know. By letting him know through handing him a piece of paper with the general facts, or reading to him from this post, you've let him know where you are, then you can dig in slowly. It will take time and patience, but just the fact that he will know is a major step and a major accomplishment.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by reb569

I'm glad that I was able to help. I'm glad you are going to let him know. By letting him know through handing him a piece of paper with the general facts, or reading to him from this post, you've let him know where you are, then you can dig in slowly. It will take time and patience, but just the fact that he will know is a major step and a major accomplishment.

Thank you.

It'll take a lot for the medication side of things, though. I say this because of few voices in my head really don't like it and get heated whenever I try. I have had intense episodes of paranoia where I assume it's poison or taking a piece of me away as some experiment and/or I'm being micro-chipped; it's weird and doesn't make any sense until I'm in that mindset.

I've talked to my T about that and how, for some odd reason, my psyche doesn't like allowing me to speak whenever I'm with my pdoc. I just shut down and I didn't know why until another user on here explained it to me. So, my T and I are already set to work on that and how to get passed it.

We'll see how Monday goes, I guess. It sounds like it's going to be a full and busy session. Might even have to stay over like last week. Only time will tell.

[reb569]

I think the key here is making sure the therapist has all the information he needs. Take it one step at a time. After working with him for awhile, maybe the thought of meds will be less intimidating to you.

Good luck and stay in touch!

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by reb569

I totally agree with Trace here. In order to help you your therapist needs to know more about what's going on. I understand not being able to talk about certain things, there are certain things from my childhood that I remember vividly, but have never told anyone because I can't get the words out. I want to, I just haven't been able do it. These memories haunt me daily. I'm determined to do it.

But this isn't about me, it's about you. I just want you to understand that I understand where you are coming from.

Do you keep a journal? Maybe today journal your thoughts about your alters and how they impact you and share that with your therapist at your next visit? That way you don't have to try to verbalize it, your therapist and can start working with you on this?

From what I've read about meds when it comes to trauma, they are often only needed for a period of time, maybe a couple years, but there is hope that eventually you will be able wean off of them. Additionally, the meds will probably help you be able to discuss your alters with your therapist. Meds have different impacts on everyone, and it can take awhile to find the right one.

I also want to point out the text crisis program that Trace posted about recently. Crisis Text Line If you need to "talk" but have an issue verbalizing your concerns, this may be a good option for you.

Anyway -- just joining in to lend my input. Be good to yourself and please find a way to let your therapist know what's going on. Maybe just print this thread off and hand it to him? Hugs out to you!

Love the idea about journaling and turning it over to the T. Reminds me of how I communicated with earlier T's. It was so much easier. Good advice, thanks for sharing.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

reb567,

Thank you for replying and I'm sorry you deal with the sort of memories that can never be spoken aloud, even though they need to be.

You and Trace are right and I should be more open. The guy I speak to wants me to be honest and he's really trying to encourage me to do so. Honesty means I have to deal with it. All of it.

How the guy puts it, "Might as well tell because forgetting isn't going to happen for any of us again. We've long passed that point. Only way out is to deal with it now."

He makes a fine point and so do you two. I've always just been really stubborn. I'll probably read off from this thread to him on Monday.

That sounds great!

[MtnTime2896]

I was honest and pretty open. My T appreciated that. Those in my head were happy by the end, aside from one, but she's never happy.

So, now to make more torturous baby steps.

[Trace14]

Originally Posted by Só leigheas

I was honest and pretty open. My T appreciated that. Those in my head were happy by the end, aside from one, but she's never happy.

So, now to make more torturous baby steps.

That sounds wonderful. Good job!! I know that was hard but it's really the best thing for you all.