Finding a loving relationship

For many years I have been quite content to be single.

Recently after a man attempted to move me into a space where a relationship could be possible, I have been feeling like having a partners support would be something that would be nice. This relationship didn't work out as I knew it wouldn't because I refused to enter into a relationship with someone who hasn't left there current partner.

My problem in part is I choose the wrong men and that I seem to scare them off by getting needy.

I now feel really upset that no-one will ever want me because they can't see past my mental scars. Has anyone else any experience with getting to know new partners?

Would I be best going back to just being happy with my own company?

If you want someone, figure out what you want in a person. Make sure you know yourself first (my biggest problem, btw).

I know what I want but I am not sure that they are the sort of people who want someone with CPTSD.

I think I know myself and the problem for me is that I am not healthy enough for a relationship. I just get tricked into thinking I am on a better day.

Thanks SorryShaped

I keep thinking that, I occasionally go on OKCupid where I have had a profile there for ages but the last person that approached me there I backed off from because I didn't feel well enough for a relationship.

But then when I feel lonely I go back - it's a revolving door - I hate not being loved or not having someone to love

Hi Thirty shades. I used to choose the wrong men for a long time. My parental units lied to me (amongst other things) so thoroughly that I was still emotionally a “child” at 19. I have good A levels and a degree so clearly I’m not “stupid”, but I didn’t experience anything approaching healthy parenting, and I didn’t even have a good, close, honest relationship with a teacher or aunt. The parental units hid the “truth” from others in the “family” also. And I have no siblings Basically I had no positive role models of how to be a healthy, happy “well adjusted” (whatever that means) “adult”.

I have had some “relationships” with very abusive men. I was engaged to an abuser (who I met at university). But the abuse became so bad that eventually I tried to end it. This is a long and unpleasant story so I’ll just conclude with letting you know that it is possible to have a good loving relationship with a partner .. I’ve been married to Papa Bear for a long time.

Thank you for posting .. please keep sharing here

It is very hard when this happens. It is almost worse for me than if I just accept being single. I can then get into a good place where I can offer myself the love rather than give it to someone who isn't going to return it. Just be nice to find a person who understands.

Sending you a big hug Carmina

Thank you Fuzzy Bear.

I can totally empathise with your childhood experience. I have a brother but for some reason my mother offered him all the love and always put me down. She lied to me too, about what sort of person I was when I was upset and kept me much younger than my real age. In adulthood she would always throw all of this back in face on a regular basis.

As a result I married an abusive man who used low level violence but mainly emotional abuse against me. I was trampled on while six months pregnant and locked in my bedroom to prevent me escaping. I gave in to his bullying until I felt strong enough to escape.

That is when the abuse escalated. I could not escape it as he became quite sly and the police never caught him. They did believe me as they could tell from my statements that I was telling the truth. My ex called me a mad woman and later joined forces with my father (deeply religious who disagreed with me seeking a divorce to get away from the abuse) and they have turned many people against me. The positive thing is you learn who your friends really are and I have a some really good ones.

All of this makes me very wary of starting again but I do feel a loving relationship would help with a degree of healing. I can understand that just explaining my life to someone would scare most men off. So perhaps I would just be opening myself up to so much more heartache, that I don't think I could bare.

I am so pleased you have found Papa Bear and have his love and support. Did he have any negative experiences from childhood to help him understand or is he just a very understanding person, if you are happy to say?

I too keep thinking I'm ready for a relationship, but, know that I'm not capable. I like the idea of being in love more than I like loving others.
PTSD makes it difficult for me too, because there are times I'm triggered and don't know why and can't explain it. It means there's times I don't know what's going on. It confuses and disturbs women. They want to fix me but there's not a missing part to replace, just a whole where nothing can go. Add to it that I'm bipolar one, ADHD, and a victim of many many assaults

Very sorry to hear you have suffered many assaults.

I can see why you have made this decision. I did think the same way, became unsettled by a mans advances and now think that it is ultimately better to focus my love where it is appreciated, with my family and friends together with self love and care.

If only there really were an island for us broken toys, where we could hang out and understand that we're all f----- up and that it's ok to be that way....

That would be great. Lets face it, we are all far more understanding than the population at large that think they are so much better than us. We are just "those kind of people" and rather than get to know you and treat you with respect, they judge you to boost their own ego's.

We have a little island of hope in this forum. I'm glad to know you in cyberspace SorryShaped.

As we aren't nearby, we can chill in here, ok? Hit me up anytime you need someone to talk to.

Thanks Sorryshaped, and let me return your kind offer. Take lots of care until we next chat

I love this post, it’s so true. We’re all more understanding here than people who haven’t endured these abuses and other “stuff”

I have a hard time with people who judge to boost their own egos

Papa Bear hasn’t had adverse experiences in his childhood, he’s very kind and understanding. But he doesn’t understand fully

My husband and I both had traumatic childhoods, abusive relationships, etc. We both just hold each other along.

If it weren't for him, I'd still be chasing unavailable and abusive men, because I thought that was all I deserved. I've had a lot of good therapy too, but I needed to be able to fill that "hole in my soul" myself first.

Still together after eight years (over seven of them married).

That sounds lovely

What a heart warming message. You and your husband have a greater understanding of what it means to be soul mates.

Thank you for posting.

Resonates with me x

After a few duds, I had stumbled upon my husband. He is very kind, compassionate and protective. He wants to hear anything I can share and he wants to help. It's been 27 years and still going strong.

Good partners do exist. I t may take awhile to find a compatible partner; never give up! I had stumbled across my husband's path quite by accident, I was not then seeking a relationship.


WC

I desire marriage myself after six years single (I was quite content for awhile there as well so wanting marriage surprised me lol). I'm honestly learning how to even begin to navigate healthy relationships with others let alone romantic ones (I'm basically a very mature child in a 29 year old body due to childhood trauma). Maybe I can share what I learn along the way. Lesson one for me...I have more love around me than I think.

The last relationships I had with men...lets see...one guy who had a crush on me invited me out and told me he was an alcoholic (we were nineteen). I definitely understand that we all struggle, but that (and other reasons...mainly he that he got around) was cause for pause for me.

There was another guy who I was talking to around that age. He told me that I looked so good he wanted to rape me when he first saw me. Lets just say that should have been a HUGE red flag for me and I shouldn't have gone out with him. I'm still learning how to not walk into abuse. There was another guy that told me he was a sociopath when we first hung out (and I still hung out with him). My last boyfriend accused me of "leaving him hanging" after I spent a week in the ward (it's taken me six years to understand how insensitive he was for saying that and why it hurt me so much). I sure knew how to pick em lol!

Thanks to anyone for sharing. Disclosure is one of my biggest fears when it comes to getting close to a man. I don't want my guy to run away screaming. I know that people do commit to each other though despite our imperfectness. That gives me hope.

Yeah, this. I realize I'm not quite there yet. But I hope to be one day.

Yeah, sometimes I worry that I want to receive all the love and affection but don't want to give it in return. I have to remind myself that a relationship involves two people. I don't want to get myself into a position where I want my man to fix me.