[LittleForgetMeNot]

I hate my heart and my emotions. They are just so stubborn and stupid!

My ex-bestfriend, Rachel, has done so many bad things to me. She was mean behind my back, never to my face, stealing friends and boyfriends, talking ****. but every time she did it was easy to get rid of her. I just shut her out, completely, right away, never talking to her again, never giving her that inch to rebuild our friendship.

When we had it good, it was good. The realtionship I had with Rachel, we would describe as being more than sisters, it was just like that, it was magic to us.. or at least to me. Everything was more than and beyond words could describe!

But it was always easy to throw her away after she would stab me in the back. I could do it without feeling the pain dragging out weeks after.

But now with my ex-boyfriend, Jesse. Well damn. I can't just do that and he's been almost as bad as her! He's threatened to kill me, and he talks ****, and is mean to me, directly. With him it wasn't as magic when it was good but I felt safe.. everything was just moderately good, moderately fun, etc. etc.. Yet I'm stuck on him, the fact he cheated with her, it just hurts and I go from feeling hurt to hating him too much, talking about it so excessively that anyone could just look at me and say "You're not over him are you?"

Why!!!!!! It's so stupid! Everything was better with Rachel, and I loved her like my sister and more, yet it was so easy to say bye and I dont even care about the fact that she took my bf cause I expected it from her. With Jesse it was always rocky and always on the okay to negative side, yet I just don't wanna let go of it!!! I expected it from him too but I never waned to believe it.. my reactions are backwards and it gives me headaches..

[Belle1979]

((((((littleforgetmenot)))))

Backwards, forwards - emotions are not something that generally make sense when you are hurting.

I knew that there were things about Lou that I possibly couldn't live with.. didn't like.. doubted.. but it's easy to forget or be blinded to these things when an end comes that you are not prepared for/happy about/didn't want to happen.

No one likes endings, unless they are fairy tale endings and even then the story must go on.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I do agree, but my thoughts and dreams are still stuck on this. Jesse was always one to be in my dreams every night and these past two weeks, well i've either completely forgotten them as soon as i've woke up or they've been of me going out with his friends and him suffering. it's getting to the point where i dont really wanna go out with him but i wanna see him suffer which is immature of me, really. but even so i'm just yearning for contact in anyway.

I havent been able to sleep because everytime I try my thoughts come in and start making plans for me to figure out what went wrong, why he hates me, how i can make my best friend pretend to hate me and talk to him just so i can figure out the truth, etc. it's such an obsession, and i can feel it getting unhealthier by the second. especially since now my subconsious brain is against me in this too ]:

[Belle1979]

Wanting answers is natural. I wanted answers when Mark left me for a girl 9 years younger than me... I wanted answers as to what changed with Louis for him to end it.
Yes it becomes an obsession.
Wanting them to feel the hurt that you are feeling (anger/rage at them) will come and go.
I still want Louis to contact me, come and see me when he is in Perth... It probably wont happen but the hope it still there. I want to have contact with him even though it will hurt - him even changing his FB profile pic hurts??!

The hate will come and go. The dreams will stop (or at least become very infequent).

If you are blaming yourself for the break up, please don't. One thing that I learnt and are still learning is that it's just not true. Things change, people change..and grow apart.

Guys (and I am not trying to be sexist) see to have a "is the grass greener" approach. Thinking that maybe there is something better out there. the truth is that it's not, it's just different.

I know you want answers.. everyone does. These answers (and mine) are not ever really going to be found. As hard as it is, sometimes just trying to let go of the questions is the only way.

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Yeah, I know it'll pass, I just want it go to away now. I hope we can both get over these silly feeling soon <3 if only life had a fastforward button

[Belle1979]

fast forward (or even a delete!?! LOL) buttons would be so handy right now

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I so agree!! Rewind would be good too, just to do it all over again, possibly change stuff to prevent the pain!

[Belle1979]

How are you doing? find a rewind/fastfoward or eraze button yet Not a real one of course.. just a way to help you cope?

More than once I have expressed my displeasure with stereotyping in replies to a post or thread. Everyone stereotypes. What is problematical for me is the absence of an acknowledgment that although a stereotype may be true in a general sense it may not be true for a particular individual.

Fostering a good relationship is challenging. In my view, one of the challenges is to get past the stereotypes and into the soul of the person who has captured your attention. If you do not, there is research that indicates the one you fancy may learn to present the behavior you stereotypically attribute.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/print/25335
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...re-stereotypes
http://literacyandbilingualism.wordp...l-stereotypes/
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-individuality
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...s-and-couples-
http://www.onlinedatingmagazine.com/...isgreener.html

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I was stereotyping???

[Belle1979]

I think it was directed at me

I will refrase it : Guys that I DATE or have RELATIONSHIPS with seem to think that the grass is greener else where!

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Oh, haha. Yeah I got that with Jesse a lot.

Rachel first played her games at the beginning of April of 09. That was when she had taken my boyfriend Steven, after MONTHS of trying to break us up with words and attempted brainwash. So I stopped talking to her.

By May I met Jesse and we started going out June 23rd.

In August Rachel came back trying to reconcile after all those months of me completely ignoring her existence. As soon as we did she tried to break Jesse and I up with her words and attempted brainwash again. I realized this immediately and once again she was gone.

Then in November Jesse left me for about 3 hours, cause he had this idea that this girl Holly, at his school, liked him and he wanted that chance. I didn't really care then for some reason and I was over it by the time he came back.

In January/February, Rachel came back, in another reconciliation attempt, bringing this girl Kelsie with her. Kelsie was a trick and was only there to steal Jesse yet since it would be Kelsie who did it I would have no reason to dump Rachel as before. That actually worked, until about a week later when Jesse came back, and Kelsie left.

Then the first week of April, exactly one year since Rachel went after Steven, Rachel went after Jesse and Jesse fell for it. But this time, apparently, it was Kelsie pretending to be Rachel or Rachel covering for Kelsie. It sounds like a lot of bs, but whatever the truth was, she got him. About 2 weeks later, Jesse came back, 2 days after my birthday, 2 days after I started feeling 100% fine and getting a crush on this guy at my school.. and he was feeling guilty as hell. A week later, Rachel dumped him, saying she hated his guts and hoped he died and Jesse then PROMISED never to do that again.

I struggled with him, and my feelings for the boy at school, but as soon as school was out and my attempts at keeping contact with the boy failed immediately, I had no reason to resist Jesse anymore and we fell back into the trap of a relationship.

And then we come to August 14th when Rachel messages Jesse, telling him that she's sorry but she was so messed up right now and needed him to call her. Now lemme ask, WHO THE HELL DOES THAT? So he called her. WHO THE HELL DOES THAT TOO? And he was cheating ever since. The funny thing is that DAY I had confronted him about it, but he denied, until I found out for myself on October 2nd.

Its so retarded when I think back about it. But I really believed him and trusted him. We had our arguments and I put it off as because I DIDN'T trust him, but the truth was that I was mad because I did and I didn't want to. But I knew this was going to happen, I knew he had spoken to Rachel in some way on August 14th, and that day I had opened the door for him to go. I asked him if he liked her, if he wanted to go back to her, if he was talking to her. I said IT WAS OKAY if he did, I wouldn't put up a fight, I wouldn't be mad, I just wanted the truth from him. Why would someone do that? You get the door opened right there, here you go your chance to be a good man, walk away before it goes too far, walk away before you end up making yourself look like an asshole. You can leave, be happy with this other girl, and no one will hate you for it, you just have to say "yes". But he said NO.

This makes no sense to me at all..

[Belle1979]

How old is Jesse? He sounds like a confused boy to me!

Okay to the part where you say you wanted the truth and told him that... Ihave no idea why people don't come clean at that point... guilt? fear? wanting the best of both worlds?

I gave Mark every chance to tell me the truth... especially after I found her things in MY house.. he lied.. and got angry. This inturn made me feel that I was being paranoid, bad and just a horrible person for not believing him.. urrghhh I followed my gut in the end... and like you, found out the truth.

Nice people get hurt, lied too and sometimes destroyed (how I feel most days).

Neither you nor I can change that we are sweet hearted, that we want others to be happy around us.

Keep talking and writing littleforgetmenot.... I know it helps. Don't dwell.. just get the bad moments out of your head and away from your heart xxx

[LittleForgetMeNot]

Jesse is the same age as me, 15 but EXACTLY to the DAY 3 months older (which when we found out thought was extremely cool and enjoyed all that magic fate talk).

Rachel is 12 (turning 13 this year). I met her when I was 12 and she had just turned 10.. wow that's strange to think about considering my brother is 9.. Anyways Kelsie was 16 and Steven is now 16 as well.

Jesse was an extremely confused guy.. and to be honest, according to him and his friends, I was the first girl in his life EVER to actually pursue him and confess my feelings. Apparently he was just one of those guys who got rejected all the time.. which was why I always viewed him as the victim until this last recent time.

I could sense his vulnerability and I noticed that the first day I had met him, he tried to be cold to me and hostile, but there was a conversation and a misunderstanding and through that for a split second he just broke and in that split second I seen his sensitivity and I wanted to get to know him more and I fought to do so. I mean I can admit that I wasn't the best type of person out there and I couldn't offer a stable relationship with my state, confusion, and paranoia, but what I could always offer was honesty and at least a stable friendship, I explained this to him at least 20 times through out our relationship and that was all I ever asked of him in return.

I remember one night, a few weeks ago actually, some time in september in the midsts of his cheating I had gotten upset and everything and I was accusing him of all the things he had been doing and he was just calm and denied it. I burned out eventually and, like you said, I started feeling guilty for making claims I had no proof too.. so I apologized and said that I was sorry for my lack of trust and fluctuating moods, and he said it was okay and in that moment I put myself out there to be vulnerable and I asked him, to promise me that no matter what ever happened he would ALWAYS be honest with me, and he would always just, at least, be my friend.. cause I just needed him so much. And he promised.

But then when it all came down, he said promises were meant to be broken, walked away, jumped back in saying he was sorry, then jumped back out and treated me like dirt.

You would think in some way or another, maybe in my over-romanticized imagination that he would always have that kindness for me, for I was the FIRST EVER to give him a chance that he needed. I built his self-confidence, he thought of himself as completely worthless when I first met him. I talked to him and we had fun and through that year and a half, through everything, I gave him unconditional love and forgiveness, no matter what he did to me I would always respond with "it's alright".. maybe I guess it got to his head for once he started getting better girls started noticing him more, and when they did, he thought he deserved better, and now it's come to this point where he sees me as a compete nothing, someone who is pathetic and deserves all the pain he and Rachel have inflicted.. Although when it comes down to it, if it hadn't been for me he would still be that shunned loser everybody hated >_<;

Because of past events, and how Rachel is, I'm always going to have this feeling, at least until after Christmas if it never comes, that he or she is going to try and find some way of contacting me again. But don't worry, I'm not dwelling anymore, I know that if I was I would still be complaining about this to my Dad and to my friends around me, it's just one of those letting it all out type things.. and also maybe keeping a record of my progress and moods so IF these two ever decide to come back, I gave written documents of myself and others reminding me exactly what happened the last time :P

[Belle1979]

try the mood tracker under quizzes its great

[LittleForgetMeNot]

heh, thanks :] though for me, i wont fully understand my past reason unless i write it out and over explain my thoughts. I have a journal I keep, though in it I can never really be bothered to go over my emotions again and I keep it full with random thoughts.. I used to write a lot about the people i was friends with, the guys who I liked, and when something bad would happen to me, i would find myself going back to that diary entry when I was just overflowing with positive feelings, and scribble the page black or tear the pages apart.. so I went to computer to hopefully get out of it, but.. i just would end up deleting everything.

When I'm upset I get very.. I don't know the world, aggressive? Jesse and Rachel would describe me as over-emotional and dramatic but it never really described my episodes. In April when Rachel first went out with Jesse I ripped a christmas card he had sent me to shreds, as well as numerous other things I don't remember.. On the 2nd I just sat there taking off all the tape I had once tried to repair it with, and I thought to burn it.. Thinking back at that time, after I had finished crying and hyperventilating my mind was just so very dark and dead.. it was kind of scary actually, the thoughts that were going through my mind, weren't things I would have normal thought of.

I don't go through many of those episodes anymore. I used to a lot 3 years ago, they were a daily thing and involved screaming and yelling and me destroying things in my bedroom and throwing things at my Dad. I would get them with my brother, and get them with our roommate, with my mother when she lived with us. It's like I have a self destruct button and then it was set off everyday ^^;

This site is kind of the only place safe from those emotions cause I have yet to find any way to delete a post on here.. and I really don't want to be told if there is.

[Belle1979]

I kept journals for EVERYDAY of my life between 13-17.... I threw them out when I moved in with Mark... now I regret it. I started a journal when Mark and I broke up... I still have it don't write in it and I can't go back and look at it. It would destroy me i think.
Same as you writing here is like a journal of sorts and nope you can't deleted it (as far as I know too).
Occassionally I go back and re-read my posts.. old ones but more often than not I don't.
The threads about Mark are pages long with hundreds of replies.

I am glad that over the years your "self destruct" button doesn't get hit every day
Mark always said to me (when I was upset and ranting)... "bit dramatic don't you think".. and call me a drama queen... It always made me laugh in the end...and stick my tounge out at him.

Having a safe place is important. I have here and my T... and also I have a wonderful friend (who i made on this site) that I can email and get all my thoughts out.

I hope you are well and having a good day today xxooxx

[LittleForgetMeNot]

I'm glad I've over it too, my self-destruction was mostly caused by my computer addiction, set off every time my limit was up. People say, when I would talk to them about my attachment to Jesse and Rachel, that I'm too obsessed with them.. but they didn't see me when I was 12. When I was 12 I had met this boy Rene, and let me tell you, the feelings I felt for that one guy, it makes all my other relationships seem so insignificant.

My friends online didn't know how to deal with me if I was like that, which is probably half the reason why Rachel disliked me. As they were younger than I was, and didn't know me face to face, they didn't know what to do as much as they thought. They would argue back with me, which fueled my fire. In real life, when I would get like that with Dad, Dad would retaliate for 5 minutes, and in those 5 minutes he would determine whether or not I was being too emotional to think normally. Usually I would be, so he would just ignore me until I burned out.. which usually took about an hour or two.

Right now I'm not sure where my safe place is. On a lot of occasions since April it's turned into my Dad, who would logic me into stop crying and calming me down. It worked in the middle of things, and he can make me laugh no matter how upset I feel. But when it comes to the little things I can't get myself to go to him for those.

I'm doing good so far, I hope you're well too!