How To Cope With Hatred.

I'm embarrassed to admit I have a dark part of me that feels hatred. Most of us are taught, it's a sin to hate another person and usually fear of sinning smothers the fires of hate or maybe it just pushes it into denial. How is hate different than extreme dislike?

I recently had a verbal disagreement with two acquaintances(a husband and wife) IRL and now I absolutely hate these people. Is it wrong to have these feelings since they're not friends or family? If it's wrong, how do I deal/cope with this feeling?

Does it matter if it's wrong or not? Sounds like you have the feeling, either way. If anything, thinking you shouldn't have it is going to make it that much harder to let go of it and move on.

As for how you came to react that way in the first place -- I'd guess those people posed some sort of threat to you that you weren't up to handling more gracefully. In that case, identifying the threat would be the first step toward letting go of the feeling.

hi lynni admire your honesty. i have a similar prob with rage. i think hatred may stem from your own fear of sumthin' that your situation triggered. often i try to look at me rather than the other person in these cases. we can't change others but we can change self and i think that's why you posed the question. justme but i pray for the other person when i feel ill will towards them. it doesn't help them probably but for some reason it helps me.
as for your having feelings of hatred-i was told by my T that "feelings are not facts", they are just feelings. we all have them. this situation you were in-i'm aware of it from other posts-tapped into your "protect mode." i feel it's natural to feel strongly about something like that.
prayer and acceptance of what is helps me. try to focus on getting on with life and not empower them, so to speak, with giving them "rent space" in your head. it will do nothing at all but disrupt your spirit. the past is the past. try to live in the now and embrace it. time also will remove those strong feelings.
enjoy the now and try to avoid those thoughts of rehashing what happened. there would be no "payoff" for doing so. hugs.

(((((Lynn)))))....Did you ever see in these people ,things that you admired?I am wondering what the relationship between you was based on prior to this?

Thank you to ((Fool Zero)) and (((madisgram)). Madisgram - your post made a lot of sense to me. I hope I'll be able to put what you said into action. It's strange I'm good at giving advice to others but I come up empty with being logical with myself.

I have been re-hashing it in my mind and I wonder why I/we do that. Does it just fuel the fire or does this help us process the feelings. I also think my feelings are intense because mean things were said about members of my family.

I also restrained myself during the argument because I didn't want to stoop down to their level but the nasty part of me, wishes I could have - so when I re-hash in my head I feel frustrated. Like you said -having this feeling will only hurt me and it doesn't hurt them - so I'll have to focus on that. Thanks again for help.

Thank you ((lissangil)) - I just saw your post. These people are neighbors down the street and we're aquantances - our 8 yr olds are in the same class. Our contact has always been friendly and we would just make small talk when we would see each other at school related events. TBH I never felt at ease with her.

My feelings comefrom an incident that I wrote about in another thread in Healthy Parenting. The incident was completely resolved through the school and I was prepared to totally let it go.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=155547

Ok, that's not a whole lot to go on but only you can determine what comments fit the situation anyway.

I'm concerned with this comment, as well:

Quote:

I also restrained myself during the argument because I didn't want to stoop down to their level but the nasty part of me, wishes I could have -

It appears to me that you have invested in this relationship and desperately want them to think like you do, and come to the same conclusions as you do, and be in harmony with the process as well. Maybe you feel your friendship is broken because it's not how you thought it was, that you all agreed all the time on everything, like "good" friends do?

Of course, good friends often disagree. It's the ability to allow each other to have a differing opinion yet still support each other that adds to the strength of a good friendship.

Did these people turn out to be so totally different than you thought, that it irked you? That would still be about you, though, you know? You could be feeling that they mislead you, or you were duped into thinking they were something they are not? But that would still be your misconception, right?

I agree that hatred does nothing for the person experiencing it, well, nothing good that is. It does plenty negatively.

I would begin by trying to "allow" this other couple to have their opinions. I would suggest you turn your hatred to the decision/opinion they made, rather than onto them. (I mean, it's tough to just totally disintegrate hatred and this is a step down approach.) Realize that their opinion has nothing to do with you and your values and opinions. "There opinion of you is none of your business" type attitude.

You can revisit whether you want to remain friends with them or not, but hatred shouldn't be a part of it. Decide --as we all do-- if this is a view that you can allow or not. (Some people just could not be friends with people who go against something they firmly believe in, such as God etc... ) Base your level of relationship with these people on factors you want for the future. Friendship needs to have a level of trust of what a person will do or say when the other is in the crunches of life.

I'm sorry you've suffered such disappointment, and hope you can remedy this for your own benefit.

(Yes, hatred and intense dislike are two different things to me. I don't hate squid, but surely intensely dislike eating it. )

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. ~ Hermann Hesse

Thanks ((JD)) for your wise thoughts on this. Yes I completely agree with everything you said and particularly this statement. I thought they were nice people. It also infuriated me, they tried to say I was 'histrionic' for getting the school involved, then had the nerve to say "your daughter has zero credibility". To top it off, the husband dragged a lawsuit case that was well publicized and painful for our family, into this. I mean, what does that have to do with this problem. They're not supposed to bash a childs father. I don't fight dirty and they resorted to mud slinging. I'm also frustrated this was solved earlier and they made it worse. I never want to speak to them again.

We tell our kids to tell if they're touched in their private parts and my daughter ends up being told she has zero credibility. This was a mole hill and they made it into a mountain. Thanks again JD.

Thank you for this quote ((Melbadaze)) and I agree with it. I wish I knew exactly where this is coming from in me. If anyone has suggestions I'm willing to listen.

hi lynn, again, thought about something that helps me sometimes, while you're ruminating, why not write them a letter but certainly don't mail it! write down all your frustrations, what you wished you had said, etc. my T has me do this and at first i thought how stupid but later realized the benefits. after you've written everything you can think of that you want to spew out, reread the letter in case u forgot something, then tear it up!!! you will undoubtedly feel better cause you've had your say albeit without their audience. it really helps me so i hope it will do the same for you.

That's a good idea madisgram -I think I'll try that. After the initial argument, I thought about going down there and ruining their Halloween decorations lol, but with my luck I would get caught.

Usually when I have bad feelings about someone - I rely on Karma to make me feel better - I think "God will punish them for being so mean". I was willing to handle this diplomatically for the good of the children and the kids were talking to each other up to this point. Kids forget so much easier than adults and I never wanted to get face to face about this. Even sharing here helps but I'll try writing the 'no send letter'.

Lynn,

In my humble opinion, there are people in this world who don't deserve the moisture of one breath exhaled. But, the intake of a deep breath can give profundity to your being.

May your breaths be many and strong.

Thats why people hate me....it's not really me but themselves....thats a relief

[quote Originally Posted by Melbadaze ]
If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us. ~ Hermann Hesse[/quote]

You know you're right ((Notz)) - why should I waste my mental energy and stress myself out over 2 mean people, who don't have the decency to settle problems fairly.

((((((((((((( lynn P ))))))))))))
I agree that these people don't seem to be worth your breath or thoughts

Sending peaceful and positive vibes

Some people just can't be dealt with intelligently. Seems like you tried and it didn't work. I like Madisgram's idea about writing it out. An argument, or any uncomfortable situation will fester with me because of all the things I wish I'd said or done...but didn't.

I've carried a lot of guilt about one particular family member that I think I truly hate. That's when I first started reading self-help books some 20 years ago...to try to fix me because those feelings must be wrong, right? I tried more than once to mend the fences but I just couldn't manage to master it. I finally reigned myself to the fact I still feel the same disdain for this person. Now I just avoid her. There are so many people I do like....I'm not going to beat myself up for this "one" that I don't

I hope you find peace....

Hello, (((lynn P.)))! This is a good one - I struggle with this, too, especially where my abusive "family" members are concerned....Grrrr.

However, growing up in the southern Bible Belt, we were always taught to "hate the sin, but love the sinner." Whether in a faith-based or logical context, this makes sense - to separate the acts from the actors. To maintain our respect and compassion for the dignity and flaws of our fellow humans - to condemn hateful acts as such, but make allowance (forgiveness) for those who have not yet matured or become "enlightened" enough to know better.

Further, putting this principle into practice with others reminds us to afford ourselves the same respect and compassion for our own dignity and human flaws whenever we commit such errors, and to refrain from self-condemnation which is just as counterproductive as condemning others for their mistakes. We must acknowledge and take responsibility for our mistakes (and hope that others will do the same), but we must also allow ourselves to move beyond and learn from our mistakes so that we can become wiser and better people - and give others the same opportunity.

I readily confess that all too often this, for me, is easier said than done. lynn09

I know what that feels like...I have felt like that towards people as well, But lately I've been doing a lot of self searching/ self-reflecting and have uncovered many ugly things about myself. I believe that God allowed me to see these things not so that i will feel condemed but...so that I can change these things. I say all that to say, Today I'm less inclined to feel such strong negative feelings towards others. Before I get caught up in their uglyness (personality) I'm quickly reminded of mine. and that makes me a whole less critical.

Thank you Fuzzybear, Lynn09, Muser and wontgiveup. I almost forgot about this thread and didn't notice the replies. I appreciate all of your wise advice.