[htownkboxer]

Hello there, I'm new to these forums. I'll introduce myself before I dive in.

My name is Dennis. I've recently hit a wall emotionally and thought it was depression given my mental/emotional/social behavior. However, I'm no doctor. So I thought I would ask the different forums to see if anyone can relate/has some advice

So here's the situation:
First off, I smoke a lot of pot. I know it can accelerate behavior disorders, but I smoke less than I did in college and this issue of mine was never a problem.

Anyways, it was about two years ago that this started. I moved back to my hometown from college and immediately I began to get irritated with the city and my friends. It just seemed like a lot less was happening and my friends were not willing to try out new things with me. Then i started getting irritated by my friend's actions. They would tell me I was wrong even if it was an opinion. A few of them backstabbed me b/c I was dating a girl unaware that my other friend liked her. I've since tried to step back and tell myself that I'm overreacting.

I was still managing through that in the background, but then my father's health issues came up. We were never really that close and in fact he has hit me a couple times (to this day he gets offended if I bring it up) during my adolescence. But now he wants to be all close and gets sad if I don't show enthusiasm for hanging out. He then whines and moans to my mother all day and night about me not loving him. It's not that I don't care for the guy, but what he's turn into isn't what I was raised to be. So sue me? Anyways, i feel terrible that my mother bares the blunt of it so now I'm trying to be more enthusiastic towards him just to ease the pressure off my moms. He's always been pretty emotionally demanding and quick to yell if we did the slightest thing "wrong". Honestly, my entire family yelled at me for stupid bull - my mom was the only exception). Then after one night of smoking, i had a little flare up with one of my siblings. It was at that point I realized that I was born to beat myself up even at the slightest "mistake" or "failure". I noticed I even preemptively turn myself submissive if I don't want to hinder others.

Then coupled with a few job opportunity rejections and college application rejections it got worse. Now I can't find joy or excitement in anything

All this has led to a more doormat, quiet Dennis. Almost unsure of who I am or what I believe in.

Anyone have any suggestions?

I know I just spilled my guts out something like BP, but I really want to find either an answer or method to get me out of the funk

Help please

[Leed]

Hi Dennis ~ All of this seems to have started with your father, right? You're going to need to decide for yourself that you are no longer your Dad's whipping boy. We can't live up to OTHERS expectations!!! You have to live up to your OWN. You may need to talk to a therapist for this Dennis. But you are your own person. You don't belong to anyone else - therefore, you don't have to ANSWER to anyone else. Stop letting the past dictate your present. What your Dad used to do has NO BEARING on today. You can decide to forgive and forget that -- if you carry around that resentment toward your father, it's going to eat you up like a cancer. "Resentment is the poison I take to kill you." Makes sense, doesn't it? The people we resent don't even KNOW we resent them -- so all we're doing is hurting ourselves! LOL We may as well just stop resenting them, and get on with life. What happened yesterday, or years ago is gone. It's over. It's up to us to let it go or dwell on it. I choose not to dwell on my past because it makes me sick.

Maybe talking to a therapist would help Dennis -- I've been in and out of therapy for years ~ finally I'm done. It might help you in dealing with this. Best of luck and God bless. Hugs, Lee

Welcome to p.c Dennis,
I understand the feelings you possess toward your father.I lost my mum around april.She reeeeeeely ummm,she really failed me in so many flavors.She,responded in a very accusatory fashion to me in 2001,when I began to gain memories of my childhood after an overdose that left me brain damaged to the point that it was suggested to my husband,we think you need to have her cared for in a nursing home.I was on a respirator for a bit of time following the overdose.
Anyways,The odd thing about regaining memories was that these memories began with being a child.In fact I did not recognize my 3 sons.I said"OMG these are mine?They are soooo beautiful."(Just to tell you the degree to which I was damaged.)
We really,at some point butted heads,because ...I had always been in the frame of mind that she was my mum and though I did discuss my childhood pain with others throughout my life,I never did with her.She was in essence the only family I had outside my marriage.
Alot of things arose in conversation about the pain and damage her role played in creating defecits in my youth,and subsequently in my role as a parent.I told her these feelings in the gentlest way I possibly could.The conversations were frequent if breif in general.She replied with a giant,"You're a spoiled ,selfish bit h" "I did the best I could,I was a good mum,I was damaged as a kid....blah blah"I held/hold a double edged sword for her.As I said She died in april.
She spent every day all day in a bar since I was 12....and partied with friends leaving me with who the fk ever all prior to that.The two sides of my feelings were....I hated her for the things she fk'd up in my life in the time frame that I was a child in need of a caretaker.I loved her because of the happier moments when we'd silently hold hands or be able to just have her near.
When she began to die,I went to her home,and was an in home caretaker for her,and prior to that juncture I stayed at her house often because her husband had just died and she was driving under the influence of wine,alcohol,pills whatever she laid her hands on.The "friends" at the bar would ring me saying...get up here your mom is drunk driving all the time,falling down.She'd have a black eye, a damaged car, a broken hip,lose her bladder ...the list is as long as my arm.
Noone understood why I was angry,disconnected,detached,(though I treated her with deep gentility,tender love and care,for she was frail)...My words didn't coincide with my actions.(I mean my words to others when the subject of her popped up).
You say ..."It was at that point,I realized that I was born to beat myself up at the slightest mistake/failure.....even turned submissive if I didn't want to hinder others."...the word "doormat" was brought up,"Unsure who I am ,what I believe in"....finding that you "can't find joy or excitement in anything".
I believe that it is possible that the "friends" you knew before have both 1)simply changed since before you left 2) some remained where they were in some areas (mindset) whereas you have grown.I think maybe these friends don't "fit" any longer to a degree.
It also sounds like your family dynamics were dysfunctional....as perhaps most peoples were....(We don't notice til we've separated from the family lair,and then return.Childs mind transforms to individualistic adult mind...and poof the lights are shining on the deficits within the family).
My sons experience.....(I have 3 sons ages 25,20,19)(speaking with regard to your family dynamics between how your mum and dad were with you).... are 100% spot on the same.My husband was like your dad...as far as being confused as to why they want nothing to do with spending time with him.And them being close to me.(those are the similarities.)They come to me now as they did then with every thing.We are very good friends.
Back to the doormat feeling,the lack of joy,self judgement....It all goes back to #1...there maybe an actual chemical imbalance (you must see a psychiatric doc. for assessment obviously) and #2 Please consider googling Cognitive behavior therapy and/or dialectical behavior therapy.See if finding out what those are feels like it resonates with you.As far as the smoking pot...I think it should be legalized if alcohol is.BUT...it does impact chemical balance in the brain....and I am unschooled as to the implications/side effects of usage so I can't address that.But google that too lol.As far as the job/ school thing.That will all fall into place in it's proper timing.Trust me on that.Pursue those goals and you will get things 'lined up'.Sorry for all the words.Some how your post felt like something I relate to.~WO.olf~

[E1234567]

Hi Dennis,

I don't know if you have depression or not, and frankly I think that diagnoses are little more than professional name-calling. I think that you described the truth of your feelings the best without use of diagnostic terms. You said you hit a wall emotionally, and that sounds like just it.

It sounds like you got in with a group of people that were not really a good match for you. Some people like to try new things, some like everything to stay the same. You may enjoy things more if you find a group of people who like to try new things like you do.

As for you dating a girl that somebody else liked - well, why didn't he ask her out when he had the chance? Or if he did or tried and she rejected him, does that mean that she is somehow off-limits to everyone else? Them backstabbing you for not knowing that someone else was interested but for whatever reason was not dating her is just immature behavior. You shouldn't have to be a mind-reader, if somehow you should have known that he was interested - he or they could have spoken to you openly rather than backstabbing you, and if she wasn't interested in him there was no reason she had to be deprived of your company.

As for your Dad, what you said reminds me of stuff I've seen - so forgive me if this doesn't actually apply to you. They push, yell, and cross the line because they don't want anyone to see how weak they really feel, then when they get old or ill, they feel like they don't have to be strong anymore and entitled to being coddled. The one who got pushed when they were young and helpless see this who punished them as a child for behaving just like the parent is now behaving, and the adult child looks at this person and wonders who or what this really is.

As someone who spent my 20s taking care of a father who was abusive to me when I was a child, I can give you some advice, but keep in mind that it may be slanted to make up for my mistake that left me feeling like I gave up an important stage of my life. Only you can give your best guess at what the right thing is for you to do.

Your parents are a part of your life, but they are not your whole life. They may emphasize that they will not live forever, and this is true. Lots of people will encourage you to set your needs aside "because how will you feel after they are gone?" That is a consideration, but the other things that you have to consider is that you are only at this stage of your life development for a finite amount of time too, and how much of your spirit are you willing to let them kill just because they brought you into this world and chose to accept the job of raising you?

Of course I'm not telling you to be selfish or that it's all about you - but it isn't all about them either.

As for the pot, it may not be a problem now and it may not have taken a visible toll on you yet, but you probably already know that stuff will mess you up permanently and probably pretty soon. Just find someone in their 30's or older who has smoked a lot of pot, and you probably won't want to smoke anymore. Remember that by the time they had deteriorated to the point that it's obvious to you, a lot of subtle stuff already happened that you wouldn't notice unless you knew the person before. Your last college may have been a bad environment for you, and obviously there are stressors where you are that you might be self-medicating for - so if you can't get yourself off the pot, you may want to see if a psychiatrist would prescribe something for you.

As for your general life situation, maybe it would be easier on you to find out which fields are hiring, and go to a technical school to get one of those quick certificates that will at least get you a decent paying job in that field and a ticket out of town. Nothing feels better than being able to stand on your own two feet, so to speak. And getting out of your hometown environment, which sounds toxic to your well-being, will probably do you a world of good too.

Just my opinion.

[htownkboxer]

@Wolf

No apology needed, thankyou for your input.

I'll look into the two therapies. Oddly enough, while I'm apathetic towards my father, I'm uncomfortable with the hollywood my-fathers-at-fault theme. I think it's bc I appreciate that he worked hard to support the family. I'm equally torn by the fact that his hard work led to my general misery, and he probably worked so hard bc he was annoyed with failure. It obviously led to mixed results.

But as you can see, i'm back and forth with my feelings about it all. So I'm coming to terms that I shouldn't rule it out. I do think addressing this issue would be one step forward

Thanks again

[htownkboxer]

@E1234567

Yea, unfortunately I'm also a bit timid/shy now so meeting new ppl (especially putting myself out there in this state) is a high anxiety task for me. I feel like if I put on a fake happy face they'll see right thru. So i withdraw a lot. This is not a main problem b/c I think it'll work itself out when I can get myself back to mental strength

My parents have actually said that very thing to me. I think in those exact words too. I really don't try to let them dictate my actions, but there is a small influence. However, I still feel the need to appease my father just to make my mom's life easier. It's not that I'm forced to do this, it's b/c I don't want him spilling his negativity to my mother. She's pretty much forced to be his emotional sponge. I don't think that's healthy at all. It is annoying to me tho

I don't have trouble putting down pot, but I do find I'm much more inflective and clairvoyant. I've actually come to understand myself a LOT more. It's nice. You think it could really have THAT much of an effect on everyone?

[htownkboxer]

Almost forgot to add

Your story is inspiring. Sounds like you're making the big strides forward that I'm hoping for

[ECHOES]

First off, I smoke a lot of pot. I know it can accelerate behavior disorders, but I smoke less than I did in college and this issue of mine was never a problem.

You mention this first. Do you think there is a reason for that? Pot is commonly used to avoid feelings, so it isn't usually identified as being the problem. What is it like if you give up the pot smoking?

Do you see a therapist to help you with the things in your life that you struggle with?

[Perna]

Hi, Dennis. I think, because you are not finding anything you want where you are now, your old neighborhood, it is time for you to make some major changes in your life. Sounds like you are in the throes of either staying stuck with the old or moving on and making a life for yourself. I would pick an area of interest to you (career, place to live, new friends, other interests) and move toward that and see if that does not help your mood. I'd also quit the pot altogether, maybe put the money spent toward some goal; the longer you smoke the harder it will be to quit, just like cigarettes, and it isn't "helping" your situation at all, just draining it; I'd try some new things to see if your mood doesn't change and, if not, then substitute some therapy for the pot.

[E1234567]

Originally Posted by htownkboxer

You think it could really have THAT much of an effect on everyone?

Congratulations, you're normal. It is said that in a person's late teens and early-mid 20's, it is common to feel "invincible" (okay, they don't really think they are invincible, they just have a stronger sense of "bad things happen to other people, they don't really happen to me" that is supposedly common throughout humanity). Yes, I do believe that it can have that much of an effect on everybody. I don't believe that it has exactly the same effect on everybody (but generally close enough) and I'm pretty sure that it takes a different amount for a particular level of damage to each person, but eventually after enough usage, the same sort of thing happens to everybody.

Originally Posted by htownkboxer

I do find I'm much more inflective and clairvoyant. I've actually come to understand myself a LOT more. It's nice.

Inflective is probably quite true. Pot decreases activity in certain parts of the brain, so you don't have all the irritating and distracting thoughts of an untamed mind getting in your way. Another way to accomplish that is to actually tame the mind rather than put a chemical leash on it. There are some good meditations at the very beginning of this free book that can help: (had to remove link because I don't have enough posts yet. Please search Mastering the Core Teachings of the Buddha) and no, you don't have to become Buddhist to use the meditations, nor will following these meditations magically turn you Buddhist.

It might be easier to smoke pot than to develop the discipline of meditation, but if you tame your mind through meditation rather than pot, when you use inflection there will be more to inflect on.

As for clairvoyance, since pot doesn't give you anything you didn't have before, there are 2 possibilities. The pot may turn off the part of the brain that blocks yor natural clairvoyant abilities, or pot could present you with the false impression that you are clairvoyant. Being fooled by your mind - losing your touch with reality - would be bad enough to say that pot is a bad thing; but I'd say that it would be even worse if pot has already shut off your blocking mechanism for clairvoyance. First, if pot shuts that down, it can shut other things down including the clairvoyant ability itself. Second, if there is a blocking mechanism there, it has to be there for a reason. It makes sense to me that we shouldn't have clairvoyance until we have reached a certain level of mental development.

Originally Posted by htownkboxer

unfortunately I'm also a bit timid/shy now so meeting new ppl (especially putting myself out there in this state) is a high anxiety task for me. I feel like if I put on a fake happy face they'll see right thru. So i withdraw a lot.

Yeah, people can spot fake happy, but if you got in a new environment and just took school or your new job seriously, the sense of accomplishment can lead to happiness - and new people will come with the new environment.

Originally Posted by htownkboxer

I still feel the need to appease my father just to make my mom's life easier. It's not that I'm forced to do this, it's b/c I don't want him spilling his negativity to my mother. She's pretty much forced to be his emotional sponge. I don't think that's healthy at all.

You're not forced into this, just manipulated by your own conscience... and maybe slightly influenced by them, too. Your mother also isn't forced into taking his negativity. She chooses every day to stay in that situation, and she chooses every day to not require behavioral improvement from your father.

You're right that it isn't healthy - it isn't healthy for either of you.

[lastyearisblank]

That's rough.

It kind of sounds like you want to be there for your dad, but maybe he's just not at that point where he can admit he made a mistake/(s).

I didn't know about the connection between pot and behavioral issues ( do you have these?) But I would suggest that you stop smoking pot every day, if you are. You can end up really out of it. I would try to figure out what matters to you other than smoking pot. It seems like a goal (any goal?) would be helpful right now. Maybe make some friends that don't smoke all the time, if the ones you have do.

As for the job/college thing don't worry- you're not alone.

[snowsnowsnow]

[quote=htownkboxer;1669663]Hello there, I'm new to these forums. I'll introduce myself before I dive in. , but I smoke less than I did in college and this issue of mine was never a problem.
You know why you smoke pot? Yes, to get a buzz and escape from reality.But you see reality now and you act on it.That is normal. You can better deal with reality when you are not smoking pot. You are becoming mature in a real world. You can think and respond to life without pot. Grow up

snowsnowsnow