[So It Goes]

How do you cope with overwhelming emotions at work?

A little backstory:
I have been in a position of leadership at my company for about 4 years. This was the first position I've ever held with this much responsibility. About two years ago, I was faced with a series of deep personal and professional crises that culminated in my long-term relationship ending and an enduring depression that has lasted since these situations started.

Naturally, my work performance has suffered. My position is unique at my company, which is a small business, so any opportunity for an extended absence has not been an option. My company does not have the budget to retain someone of comparable skillset and me at the same time.

I have been honest with everyone about the events of my life and the toll they have taken on me personally. While on the surface everyone is supportive, I can sense frustration. I am overwhelmed easily by my emotions right now, often times "shutting down" for extended periods of time, unable to focus or think cohesively. Unfortunately, this problem is compounded by my field. I am a programmer, so I have to retain focus and clear thinking in order to complete my tasks and come up with creative solutions, which is what put me in this position of leadership in the first place.

So, how do you deal with your emotions at work and the associated stress?

[embracinglife]

I don't know.....I have a lot of stress with my job too, and don't know how to deal with emotions. I feel your pain.

[pgrundy]

Is therapy an option? Many therapist offer evening hours and will work around your schedule.

I find therapy very helpful in sorting out emotions, personal issues, and work. I mean, it's not free, but some places do have sliding scales or separate (lower) rates for people whose insurance won't cover individual sessions.

[Nola22]

So It Goes, I'm wondering if you meant you were candid about your life events with everyone at your job? If so, that makes me curious about the overall workplace "culture" with which you deal. I believe being up front with folks is the best policy, however, it's come back to bite me in the butt in situations that may have been similar to yours. From that, I've learned to offer a bare bones explanation of what I may be facing, if that at all.

When at work, are you in a cube, or do you have the luxury of an office?

This may seem elementary, but when emotions become overwhelming, remove yourself from the office and head outside for a brisk walk, even if it's just around the building or in the parking lot. If you have access to a nearby gym, take lunch breaks there and beat the hell out of a punching bag (or do whatever other exercise you find cathartic). If there's a bathroom tucked away in the building somewhere that no one else seems to visit, go in there and scream.

When my concentration is shattered, I find walking away from a project, even for a few minutes, can often help me refocus. Remember where you left off, and as you go back to your desk, force yourself to mentally reattach to that aspect of the project with (hopefully) renewed vigor. I also have found working on several projects simultaneously helps me through rough spots, though that approach may not be for everybody, as some find it a scattered means of doing things. Not me--it's simply taking a local route until the interstate opens up again.

What are your usual outlets when dealing with intense feeling or loss of concentration? What do you do when you're home or elsewhere? How many of those strategies are applicable at work?

I wish you all the best, So It Goes. I know where you are, simply from a different starting point. I'm not sure any of my suggestions will work for you, but I certainly hope they do. If I can think of anything else that may be of use, I'll definitely pass it along.

[OrangeMoira]

Two years is a long time to be having such a hard time. I second the idea of therapy if you can. I'm glad they've been supportive so far, but it must be frustrating to sense their disapproval or impatience towards you.

A couple of things I've tried:

* Doing a mini meditation on my own or listening to a guided meditation with earphones for a few minutes on break or lunch. Even just taking a few deep breaths can help to clear the fog.

* Talking to a friend at work, on the phone, or online and just getting what's in my head out to another person. Sometimes that's what I need, and nothing else will help.

* Taking a few minutes to write out the thoughts/feelings/impressions I'm having. Even "gah, I can't think." It helps focus or ground me.

Oh, speaking of grounding, have you checked out the "grounding techniques" thread? There's good stuff there. Take care, and enjoy your weekend.

http://forums.psychcentral.com/showt...t=16719&page=2
http://psychcentral.com/stress/
http://psychcentral.com/lib/2011/12-...finding-focus/

I know you said you work for a small company, but how small? It's not usually a good idea to share too much personal info with work people - no matter how close you think you are to them, they will change the way they look at you. You may think you're indispensible, but in reality, no matter how harsh, you are not - I learned that the hard way. I definitely echo the others' suggestion of therapy,taking walks/breaks
but I would definitely recommend to stop sharing and set some boundaries at work. If you are in a position of leadership you need to be respected - it's hard to get that if you are in such a state.

I know you said you're a programmer - do ou have the flexibility to do some work from home, or flex your hours so that you can have a little bit of an easier schedule?

What i am learning is that if you don't take care of yourself, you can't do anything else effectively. Take care of yourself.

[So It Goes]

Thank you all for your responses. I should clarify: I don't reveal every detail about what is going on in my life. My company is small, less people than on a pair of hands and feet, so it's got a "work family" dynamic. I have been as honest as possible about the events that have occurred but never have gone into the full details of exactly how it's affected me.

[madisgram]

this may be a simple solution to a complex problem. when i worked as a professional, i left my life at the door. i reminded myself after work i would deal anything i was mulling over re my personal life or just to sit and cry if that's all i could do once i got home. after a while i set a time limit in the home for doing this, then refreshed my mind by relaxing before bed.
can you compartmentalize your mind this way perhaps? it sure helped me cause i had to be "on point" with the responsibilities pertaining to my job.
i hope this suggestion may help you.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I battle the same thing - fortunately I was able to use short term disability to get my feet back under me. I know that is not an option for you I will be heading back in less than a week and have the same concerns. My job is a high pressure, high stress, "I needed this yesterday" kinda job so I can relate on some level. Breathing helps me if I catch the stress/emotions early enough on. Also, sometimes I just close my eyes and say I can do this to myself (sounds dorky, but it helps) The last thing I try to do is not think about it as an 8 hour shift or a 10 hour shift - I tell myself, just get through the next 30 minutes and you'll be fine...over and over. Sometimes the above work, sometimes I'm in the restroom crying, and sometimes I just have to leave early (yeah, my attendance is terrible). If I can find something small to buy myself some time I can usually keep it under control.
Sorry you are going through this, it is hard to hold down a job when you feel like everything is falling apart. Hang in there!

[So It Goes]

Not really adding anything to this thread other than using it as a way to help deal with what I am feeling. Had a bad personal meltdown today. It's only three hours from a major presentation and I still have so much to do, yet no motivation to do it. No one to delegate to, no one with the same skillset as me here.

Don't know how I can do this anymore. I can never find balance in my work and personal life. I want to give up so bad but I know it won't help. Can't do this anymore. Can't stay strong enough, ever. Only end up hurting people I care about because of this job, this life that has grown increasingly meaningless.

I just want to be happy sometime. I know I'll never have it here, too results-oriented. But what job isn't? That's our society. That's our lives. All we have to look forward to is an inevitable grind to line someone else's pockets. I want out, but there is no "out". Tough luck I guess.

[So It Goes]

Less than an hour to go and still no progress. I can't figure anything out when I'm like this. Code is just like Greek to my enfeebled mind. I've failed again, just like every project like this. Just like when my GF left me last year. Just like when my ex-wife left and said I'd never amount to anything in this field. I want to go home but it's not possible without major repercussions for the rest of my team.

I have to be kinder to myself but I can't at the moment, my thoughts are completely beyond my control. Just trying not to cry in front of everyone and have the strength to face up to the shortcomings of this project in this meeting. Weekend's likely shot as I'll have to work for its entirety just to get the project where it's supposed to be. I'm supposed to have my daughter this weekend, too, no rescheduling as her mother will be out of town.

How am I going to keep myself held together? Where do I find the strength? I hate this life. I hate what I have become.

[Nola22]

Hi So It Goes,

I just saw your recent posts in this thread, and I hope the presentation was okay, even workable for you. I once worked in a place where they sent out those hourly reminders about upcoming meetings on the actual day; there were times when they'd pop up on my computer screen and I could hear the church bells ringing from the town square, counting down the time left 'til the walk to the gallows. I should have turned those stupid reminders off.

Please check in, even if you don't want to talk about the presentation. Or talk about it, and we'll all read/listen. Wishing you all the best.

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by Nola22

Hi So It Goes,

I just saw your recent posts in this thread, and I hope the presentation was okay, even workable for you. I once worked in a place where they sent out those hourly reminders about upcoming meetings on the actual day; there were times when they'd pop up on my computer screen and I could hear the church bells ringing from the town square, counting down the time left 'til the walk to the gallows. I should have turned those stupid reminders off.

Please check in, even if you don't want to talk about the presentation. Or talk about it, and we'll all read/listen. Wishing you all the best.

Thanks you for your message, Nola. I got lucky with my presentation, the client was excited enough about the forward progress that the shortcomings were overlooked.

I'm doing better now, though still shaky. I've got time to fix the rest of the problems with the project, so I think everything should be okay.

[OrangeMoira]

I'm glad the presentation went better than you feared, and that you don't have too much of a time crunch for the rest of the project.

Great job keeping it together despite the struggle. I hope you're able to appreciate your role in making the client happy.

Have a relaxing night and enjoy the weekend with your daughter.

[Nola22]

Originally Posted by So It Goes

Thanks you for your message, Nola. I got lucky with my presentation, the client was excited enough about the forward progress that the shortcomings were overlooked.

I'm doing better now, though still shaky. I've got time to fix the rest of the problems with the project, so I think everything should be okay.

Hey, you're welcome, So It Goes. I'm glad things turned out better than you had expected, and a happy client speaks volumes about your work, the project, and the company. Also, there's nothing like the feel of cool, refreshing time infused into any project that formerly felt parched and stretched to its limits in that capacity.

Once the shakiness subsides, I hope you'll reward yourself in some small way--buying yourself a book you've wanted, grabbing a few leisurely hours at a nearby park tomorrow, just watching life happen and enjoying the day, or whatever you may like. Find time to relax, and have a great weekend!

[So It Goes]

It's hard to even write this, to even think that I am important enough to warrant others reading it. Work is hell. I've had to get stern with members of my team this week because I had to pull two projects they were working on and take them on myself. On top of that, I had to get my own project ready enough to be reviewed by the CEO of the client.

I finally was able to take a night off last night to rest but it ended terribly. My ex-GF (the one that left me and said I was emotionally abusive) keeps contacting me for technology/computer advice. Why? If I was so bad that she had to leave me with no notice and walk out on our life a year ago, why keep contacting me? Is my expertise all I'm good for? Am I only meant to be a means to an end? I feel like a tool, something to be used, not human.

I am barely sleeping, haunted by my issues and my past. I can never take back the harm I wrought and there is no way to possibly atone for what I have done, but I feel obligated to give her whatever advice she wants since I caused her so much pain.

Meanwhile the clock ticks by and time is wasted. There is no time for me. There is no time for me to even feel what I need to feel. I patch myself together enough to make it through the day. That's all that can be done.

Survive.

[So It Goes]

Just overheard the only other programmer here answer a phone call from a well-known staffing agency in the area. Probably looking for other work. Want to confront him about it and can't. It's his right to find other work.

Then it will just be me again, totally overwhelmed. I know I should have a more positive outlook but I know from past experience that I will face another 3 to 6 months before another person is hired. It's happened like this 3 times, with the longest stretch I went without help being 2 years.

It never stops; life is unrelenting. No matter what good things happen something else goes wrong. When something goes wrong, something else just goes wrong, too.

I need change but I have no way to accomplish it. I feel myself letting go and I can't control it, can't raise the strength to fight it anymore. I can't even feel the consequences if I lose everything. It just feels like it's going to happen anyway.

[Perna]

So It Goes, maybe read the book Fried by Joan Borysenko, it's helping me a lot:

http://www.healyourlife.com/author-j.../are-you-fried

((((((So it goes)))))

[OrangeMoira]

You don't owe your ex any help. If you no longer have a relationship and contact from her hurts you, you have a right to cut her off. Are you staying in contact in hopes that she'll change her mind and get back together?

Sounds like they're really piling it on at work. The other programmer has a right to look for other work, yes. However, you have a right to talk to him or tip off the management so your job can start the process of hiring someone else. Hopefully they can find someone in a short time; there are a lot of qualified people seeking employment. I'm sure it will be rough during the transition, though. That stinks.

Try to be kind to yourself and make time to recuperate. Maybe if you do it will be easier for you to concentrate when you are working. It sounds like you have a lot of worries about things that you can't really control. Are you able to see a therapist? Do you keep a journal to get your worries out? I hope you're feeling better and you get some peace this weekend.

[winyourdivorce]

have you seen a counseling psychologist? I mean to help you with your problem and alleviate your stress which keeps on bothering you especially at work. Psychologist is not only for someone who has mental problem, but also to someone whose undergoing life problem which affects your daily activities. They could surely help you with your problem right now. they have a lot of therapies for you.

[So It Goes]

The other programmer here just gave less than two weeks' notice for his resignation, so I'll be alone again soon. I am sick but still at work trying to deal with the fallout. Something in me has just switched off. I don't care anymore. I want to, but I can't.

[OrangeMoira]

(((((So It Goes)))))

Ugh, you called this one. Hope you can motivate the folks at work to hire a replacement quickly.

[So It Goes]

Originally Posted by OrangeMoira

(((((So It Goes)))))

Ugh, you called this one. Hope you can motivate the folks at work to hire a replacement quickly.

Yeah, it's going to have to happen quickly. Unfortunately I have to do the search and interview process in addition to my own workload (and the other programmer's workload, once he leaves). I have a small budget for outsourcing for the time being. I guess that will have to do.

Right now, I'm just frozen. Can't make a decision to save my life or seem to do anything productive. Need more time off but now that is out of the question.