Out of control...

I feel like I'm completely losing it... and I don't even know what "it" is, exactly. A mask of sanity perhaps? Like everything is coming crashing down all at once. I'm a good pretender. I carry on a normal job, lead a fairly normal life... well, it's not much of a life. I am a single mom and all I do is work and take care of kids... don't trust people enough to actually have friends. But still, on the surface, all is okay.

But it's starting not to be. And that scares me. I'm losing my temper several times a day. With the kids, with random people at the store, with people that I work with... Rages that are out of control. Throwing stuff, etc... even hurting myself on purpose just to take it out on someone.

I contemplate suicide daily- I plan it out. The date, the details... it gives me a comfort of a near future ending to all this madness. I'm just afraid the mask of sanity I wear is coming off and I will lose my job, my kids... everything.

My T explains it takes time to go through things, to replace all the negative stuff we've been telling ourselves for years with positive. I don't have time! Not to live this way.

phew.... ok thanks for letting me vent.

Bless your heart ~ I don't think I like your therapist. He/she is almost saying - oH wait awhile - it will go away. CRAP!!!

Look, you are a vital, beautiful, important person -- and a mother. You are NOT alone. I have felt like that so many times I can't count them. I think everyone feels like that at times. The world is in such chaos, and there are things in our past that creep up and try to kill us. But somehow we have to learn how to DEAL with those things -- and that's where your therapist is SUPPOSED to be helping you. Are there things in the past that are haunting you? Are they hurting you and almost terrorizing you? If so, those things must be dealt with. This anger that you have comes from somewhere -- it doesn't just pop up from nowhere.

And the fact that you think of suicide daily -- why? Where does that come from? Is that coming from your past too? Or is that just because of your present circumstances? Because suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. This problem CAN be taken care of!!! If your present therapist isn't doing the job, then you need to find another therapist who WILL get to the issues that are torturing you.

You are needed ~ your children need you, your family needs you and WE need you. You can be of great help to others who are going thru similar issues, once you get thru therapy. Please - take care of YOU. God bless you. Hugs, Lee

Hey, Disaster,

Know how you feel regarding self-termination. Been there, done that. After all is said and done, it's not a very good idea, even if you don't have children. There really are Other Ways of Feeling, better ways, more comfortable ways, after you've crawled out of the disaster debris that covers you now. That's what T is supposed to be helping you do. If she's just pooh-poohing it, you need to ask her for supportive care. She'll know what that means. It means changing from an accent on progressive change to an accent on shoring you up in your present condition so that you don't flip out and do something silly to yourself or your kids. It's just temporary, until you find your feet again and get your balance, after which you switch back to a forward-moving type of therapy again. Are you sure your T knows where your head is at right now?

Self-termination is a really bad solution to a problem that has many, many other potential solutions, solutions with end-products of a much happier and more relaxed you. I know exactly what you feel like in that respect. I've spent three years wanting desperately to get rid of myself. But with my T I've been able to crawl out of that hell and into the light. No question you can do it too. Your children really deserve your doing that, getting away from the self-termination stuff. Would that be the way you really want them to have a last memory of you? Most people would say no.

Hang on, hang in there, do whatever you need to do to stay alive and treat your children well. If your present T doesn't measure up to your standards, find another. You CAN emerge from your present crisis into a sunnier world. THOUSANDS (literally, thousands) of PC members past and present have done it after being plagued by the same kind of awful thoughts of which you complain. You CAN do it. You CAN like yourself, your life and your children at the same time! Take care.

Hello, beautifuldisaster78. Please consider printing your post for your therapist. The treatment you are receiving is not working. You need more help NOW. Remember too, 911 is an option if you are in an immediate crisis. Going to the Emergency Room also is.

Some recommended resources and hotlines include:

http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
http://www.suicide.org/
http://www.hopeline.com/
http://www.suicideforum.com/

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/

You are in my thoughts.

thanks for feeling comfortable with sharing how you are feeling. i am no doc but sounds like severe depression or hypomania combined. please insist your therapist see you ASAP. i too don't like the previous response you got from your T but for now insist you see him. and hopefully schedule with a new T. also use the crisis hotline where you live. i've done so and it helped.
as for your sui...thoughts. i've been there too and got so down i told my T when he said, what would that do to your son? i replied it would be doing him a favor. NOT!!! my T took drastic measures cause that indicated how bad my thoughts were. your T needs to do the same. tell him exactly where you're at. tell him what you told us...u can print out your thread if that helps you not leave anything out about how you are feeling. you need not minimize anything. you need help IRL. meanwhile post as much as you like and lean on us. we do understand as many of us have suffered as much as you need to.
today i'm grateful i got the help i needed. i have 3 wonderful grandchildren i might have never known. i watched my son grow up and be a good man. i am so thankful i got the help i needed. hold on and fight back for your life...it can be wonderful. just don't give up. feel free to pm me if you want. i am willing to listen. we're all here for you.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. I was going to respond indaividully but I don't even know where to start so I'll just say a collective thank you. I talked with my T the other day (who I really like btw- I think I just meant to say that he is saying recovery and change takes time..and that is frustrating to me. i want to be better NOW!) Anyway, I've been thinking a lot, some good- some not so good. I can relate to madisgram saying it would be doing her son a favor. I often think it would be doing my kids a favor. I called the pdoc the other day too who gave me a script for ativan and i think that has mellowed me out some. doesn't help the depression a whole lot (im in the process of titrating other meds for that) but may be a help for awhile to at least chill me out on the rages and the desire for self harm.
Again, thanks all.

I wish you well, JayCee.

Hi beautiful~ hang in there! I completely understand the overwhelming feeling that comes from being a single mother. I am one myself. It is so important to take some time for self-care. Do something YOU like! pamper mom for a night! Hot bath, massage, long walk without children. Journal, keep posting. I like the verse you have quoted. If you are a woman of faith cling to HIs promises that you are woman clothed in strength and dignity. He has been a strength in my life! Oh and I though i don't know them, your children, would want no other mother but YOU!

I understand the impatience...therapy and healing are a long, difficult process. Hang in there!